Sunday, January 8, 2017

Redneck Red Carpet Preview

I got a golden ticket, I got a golden ticket! That’s right y’all, this little ol’ redneck not only scored a ticket to attend the Golden Globes with the date of my choice, but to also dress the stud to the best of my ability. Dang, I guess my years of bein’ on the D list for my Redneck Red Carpet Recaps moved me up the food chain.

So, the first order of business was to decide who would be my date. Of course I wanted to be escorted by a nominee, because if I’m gonna attend one of the biggest fashion events of the year, I wanna have the paparazzi in my date’s face as much as possible screamin’ and hollerin’ for him to turn this way and that for a photo op. But how can a girl possibly choose between such amazing nominees like Ryan Reynolds (swoon), Denzel Washington (classy), John Travolta (icon) or Bob Odenkirk (quirky)? It sucks to be me.

Then after surfing the entire list of nominees, it hit me like a giant wave. The animated film Moana is nominated for two Golden Globes, and its demigod star just happens to be the reigning Sexiest Man Alive. I screamed to myself, “Oh Yea Girl, go big or go home!”

Yep, I’m walking the red carpet with none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tonight, and I have styled him in a classic black tux. In a tribute to the movie, as well as to his partial Samoan heritage, I decided to add a pop of color with an island print bow tie and matching pocket square. Of course one of the reasons Dwayne looks and feels his best is because he’s wearing Tommy John underwear underneath that classic style. Nuthin’ is bunchin’, pinchin’ or saggin’. Just sayin’!

Now I’m sure y’all will understand why I can’t post my regular Redneck Red Carpet Recap tomorrow with all the hits and misses of tonight’s fashions. Here in Hollyweird they have after parties, and my fantastic date was nice enough to invite me to the Moana splash.
I might be a redneck but I ain’t nobody’s fool. I beat that other bitch in the mud wrestling contest to win that golden ticket for two reasons: 1. When the big wave hits, I want to personally observe Tommy John’s claim of how their undies support a man in all the right places; and 2. Secretly I’m hoping The Rock forgot to pack his Tommy Johns for the after party. WHOOP WHOOP!
Images designed by Max Gamble