Sunday, February 26, 2017

Redneck Red Carpet Review

The Oscars are tonight folks and the celebs are in full on fluff, puff and blow dry mode as we speak. The cleanses and microdermabrasions have been completed, and there ain't a pair of Spanx to be found on the shelves in the entire state of California. But sadly, with the recent discovery of another solar system, scientists say these new life forms have invaded our beloved performing artists' minds, which explains their erratic behavior of late.

Yep, the good ol' days are gone when the most shocking thangs we saw on the red carpet were some of these epic designs:
Cher 1986
Demi Moore 1989
Whoopi Goldberg 1993
Bjork 2001
Diane Keaton 2004
Helena Bonham Carter 2011
And it's a crap shoot now what the aliens will allow to spew out of the winners' mouths when they have the honor of standing at the podium. Ya can't really count on the run of the mill thank you to the cast and crew, or a tear jerker message to Momma, or even the occasional plug to some obscure nonprofit. So for my own mental stability, I can no longer watch award shows until word on the street is that the aliens have been extracted from our celebs and returned to their own planets. Hopefully Hollywood will then return to the Hollyweird we all know and love. Until then, I prefer to remember a simpler time with my all time favorite Oscar speech:
Pictures: Here


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

You Can Teach an Old Bitch New Tricks

Hey folks, I am living proof that you actually CAN teach an old bitch new tricks. Look, even my dog is trying to get in on the action. So, this new game my 16 year old is trying to teach me is called spikeball. Check out my amazing concentration and phenomenal hand eye coordination. Uh yea, not so much. I lasted about 5 minutes and the only thing that spiked was my blood pressure. The object is to try to keep the ball on the trampoline. Let's just say anything involving me and a trampoline usually does not end well, because what goes up always comes back down.  But, the important message is that I tried and realized that I'm much better suited for spiking the punch!
Even though that first attempt at learning something new pickled me off, I tried again with my friend Lisa and we ventured out into the world of  Pickleball. Now I'm trying to be Kosher about it, but I feel confident we are gonna dominate this sport. It's not too sour and it's not too sweet, which is just right. If you relish the idea of a cross between tennis, badminton, and ping pong, then pickleball is the sport for you. Plus, for anyone who is middle aged, you will be the youngest person on the court by about 20 years so you really feel like a big dill. I mean why pickle on someone your own age when you can crush the competition. How's that for some spear-it? With a few more lessons I envision us blasting the Vlasic rock and getting into a few pickles just for fun.
So there ya have it folks. It may take more than one try to teach an old bitch new tricks, but you're just gonna have to dill with it.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Redneck Red Carpet Preview

I got a golden ticket, I got a golden ticket! That’s right y’all, this little ol’ redneck not only scored a ticket to attend the Golden Globes with the date of my choice, but to also dress the stud to the best of my ability. Dang, I guess my years of bein’ on the D list for my Redneck Red Carpet Recaps moved me up the food chain.

So, the first order of business was to decide who would be my date. Of course I wanted to be escorted by a nominee, because if I’m gonna attend one of the biggest fashion events of the year, I wanna have the paparazzi in my date’s face as much as possible screamin’ and hollerin’ for him to turn this way and that for a photo op. But how can a girl possibly choose between such amazing nominees like Ryan Reynolds (swoon), Denzel Washington (classy), John Travolta (icon) or Bob Odenkirk (quirky)? It sucks to be me.

Then after surfing the entire list of nominees, it hit me like a giant wave. The animated film Moana is nominated for two Golden Globes, and its demigod star just happens to be the reigning Sexiest Man Alive. I screamed to myself, “Oh Yea Girl, go big or go home!”

Yep, I’m walking the red carpet with none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tonight, and I have styled him in a classic black tux. In a tribute to the movie, as well as to his partial Samoan heritage, I decided to add a pop of color with an island print bow tie and matching pocket square. Of course one of the reasons Dwayne looks and feels his best is because he’s wearing Tommy John underwear underneath that classic style. Nuthin’ is bunchin’, pinchin’ or saggin’. Just sayin’!

Now I’m sure y’all will understand why I can’t post my regular Redneck Red Carpet Recap tomorrow with all the hits and misses of tonight’s fashions. Here in Hollyweird they have after parties, and my fantastic date was nice enough to invite me to the Moana splash.
I might be a redneck but I ain’t nobody’s fool. I beat that other bitch in the mud wrestling contest to win that golden ticket for two reasons: 1. When the big wave hits, I want to personally observe Tommy John’s claim of how their undies support a man in all the right places; and 2. Secretly I’m hoping The Rock forgot to pack his Tommy Johns for the after party. WHOOP WHOOP!
Images designed by Max Gamble