Monday, June 6, 2016

I Did Not Kidnap Richard Simmons

Oh Dear GAWD people, I woke up yesterday and read the news that one of my favorite celebrities, Richard Simmons, was hospitalized for exhibiting bizarre behavior. I know some of you are thinkin', "what's bizarre when it comes to Richard?" Well to me, that means anything uncharacteristic of his normal flamboyant, exuberant personality.
So ya know I've been following this story very closely, because Richard has not been seen publicly for over 2 years. In fact, I was one of the last people to see him (among millions of others) at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in 2013. There he is waving as he floats by and I'm honestly jumpin' up and down, screamin' his name like a freakin' maniac 'cause I'm one of his crazed fans. I got my sweatin' to the oldies work out right there on the streets of NYC.
But sadly about 3 months ago the story broke that he was bein' held hostage in his own home by his longtime housekeeper. I'm goin' on record right now and  swearin' on the holy bible I did not break through the crowd, chase down that giant green turtle float, hoist my fat ass up there, and kidnap that striped zebra. Seriously folks, he is Richard Simmons after all.
He would have taken me out! Plus, y'all know I can't be the perp 'cause I hate housework.
Story: Here