Monday, September 19, 2016

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

The Emmys were last night folks, and even though I couldn't watch the actual show 'cause I would rather poke a stick in my eye than see the ultra annoying Jimmy Kimmel, I did check out the stars arriving on the red carpet. My award for the most grounded, least entitled, and enthusiastic of all invitees goes to the child actors of Stranger Things. Wow, they were most impressive in their interview. Now on to the fun shall we.
Tracee Ellis Ross is a vision in white.
I see how Mandy Moore started to peel the layers of her dress away like an orange.
Jil Soloway channeling her best David Arquette.
She dropped 'em red in this number!
DANG let's hope Kristen Bell didn't get Lost in the Garden of Eden.
Leave it to Kerry Washington to make pregnancy look stylish and sleek.
There should be lemon laws against this.
So sad that Sarah Paulson had to wear pond scum. But, she did win the Emmy for prosecuting that scum OJ Simpson so it ain't all bad.
Sarah Hyland looks like a live version of a cocktail table.
If I wore this, I would be pissed too!
Images: Here and Here 


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Taco Tuesday Theory

It's Tuesday, and it's dinner time, and that means Taco Tuesday right? Very true, but it's also time to test out a little theory that's been eatin' at me for quite awhile. Do tacos have a direct correlation to sex? Maybe y'all can put on a sombrero, pour yourself a margarita, and help a girl out by taking the test and letting me know.
So here's the thing. In my most unscientific method, I asked a bunch of men and women if they preferred hard or soft tacos. The results were overwhelming. Guys like 'em soft and chicks dig the hard ones. And just in case someone thinks I'm not bein' PC, yes, I did include gay and straight folks in my unofficial survey. 
Women apparently realize length is not what matters in their taco. Just look at how thick that hard shell is stuffed! Girth is where it's at baby!
Guys on the other hand stuff their meat into a soft shell wrap and like it all nice and tight.
And what does it say about someone who enjoys eating those hard and soft shell combinations?

Y'all see the connection here right? I can't believe Taco Hell and Chipotle haven't picked up on this idea yet. The marketing companies could have a fiesta with this. Sex sells! Now someone just needs to test out whether folks who prefer spicy sauce are chandelier swingin' wild and crazy in the bedroom, while those who like mild sauce are Saturday night missionary style only.

Dang, now it's Taco Tuesday and I'm hungry and horny. OLE.

Images via Google Images


Friday, August 19, 2016

Ryan Lochte Rap

I seriously tried for hours to make a rap video, but I failed miserably. My family members (bless their heart) tried in vain to help, but I was hopeless 'cause white chicks simply can't rap. Apparently I can write lyrics, but I can't spit 'em. However, you can use your imagination and put these lyrics to Vanilla Ice's "Ice, Ice Baby."

Stop, Collaborate and Listen
Ryan Lochte in the bathroom pissin'
A security guard he be dissin'
All his medals he might be missin'
Ryan with your hair so white
Word on the street you got in a fight
Not with muggers as you claim
But with yourself, what a shame
Lies, Lies, Baby
Lies, Lies, Baby
Ain't no doubt when you in dat pool
You a winnah and you really rule
But you makin' up stories and that ain't cool
'Cause now you look like a big ol' tool
Come on dude whatcha be thinkin'?
You lose your morals after a night of drinkin'?
There ain't no shame in gettin' drunk
But that don't mean you can act like a punk
Lie, Lies, Baby
Lies, Lies, Baby
You represent America in this Olympic game
Instead of glory you bring home shame
You won those medals made of gold
Now you in trouble 'cause of the lies you told
You lied to your mother!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Trumped by the Crowd

Hey folks, if you ever have the opportunity to attend a presidential political rally, one thang is for sure, it ain't boring! Despite your personal beliefs, you can have a great time no matter if you are on the left, right, or some where in the middle. Yesterday, Donald Trump visited little ol' Wilmington, NC. Even though my friends and I had tickets, the fire marshal denied entry to us and about a thousand others 'cause the joint was too packed. Not to worry, 'cause we had a blast outside and made the most of the situation.

Here's my top 10 reasons why you should attend a political rally:
1. The entertainment is free.
2. You meet some nice and interesting people while standing in line for hours.
3. Suddenly you appreciate having friends and supporters in this world. No one wants to stand alone.
4. When you realize you are as orange as The Donald ya know ya gotta start makin' some changes!
5. Ya gotta respect the creativity of the protestors.
6. Friends on the inside with a bird's eye view will hook you up with pics.
7. If you are real lucky, you might spot Clark Kent in the crowd.
8. The enthusiasm of our youth is encouraging.
9. You can get excellent photo ops of all VIP's at the exits.
10. Standing outside in 100% humidity for over 3 hours allows you to fit into your skinniest jeans for at least 2 days without having to do a nasty cleanse.
Photo credits to Sue Gallagher and Preston Lennon.



Friday, August 5, 2016

New Venture

Ok folks, I know I've been a lazy blogger and you prolly think I've been loungin' on a yacht in the south of France. Obviously I have in my dreams. But in reality I have been havin' so much fun over at my new Deb Church FaceBook author page. I never thought I would do it, but I have been posting videos of all sorts of things from Pok√©mon Go, The Bachelorette, a Bug Zapper, to my favorite college football team WVU. If you are an old timer like me, and actually use FaceBook, you can click on the FaceBook icon on the margin of my blog which will take you to my new page.

Anywho, I am gonna try to blog about twice a month, while I get my author page crankin'. Ya know when ya feel somethin' ya just gotta go with it. This is what I'm feelin' right now. Hope to see ya there 'cause my mind is workin' overtime on some crazy ass video ideas! Who knows, maybe a Youtube channel is in my future?

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Time Flies When You're Havin' Fun

The Big 3-0. Dirty Thirty. Either way you look at it, it's a long time to be married, and somethin' to be damn proud of these days. I seriously don't know where the time went, but I know I had a whole lotta fun along the way. Ya know, even on our wedding night, we laughed so much about all the crazy shenanigans that happened at the ceremony and reception. And, our lives have been filled with laughter ever since, even under trying circumstances. So, when people ask me about the secret to a successful marriage, the first thing I think of is sharing a sense of humor with your partner.
On Saturday evening, Uncle Jeffy's fabulous team of coworkers hosted a special night for him to celebrate his 20th year in medical practice. How about this hilarious key lime pie? In case you can't read it, it says, "30 years wedded bliss/20 years classy tits." Gotta love those plastic surgery jokes!

Since today is such a milestone anniversary, we are crackin' open a special bottle of wine tonight, as opposed to our usual bottle of grocery store crap. Then maybe, just maybe, we should start thinkin' of replacing this outdoor table as a present to each other:

Friday, July 29, 2016

Feel Good Friday

The hazards of not securing a watermelon in the hatch of your car while unloading groceries. At least it was easy to slice for dinnah!

Monday, July 18, 2016

It's Only Rock and Roll

Well Jumpin' Jack Flash folks can you believe Mick Jagger is expecting his 8th child with his 29 year old girlfriend? He's showin' the world you can still Start Me Up at age 72 and get some serious Satisfaction. And to all those sayin' You Can't Always Get What You Want, I betcha Mick is callin' bullshit on that 'cause all he had to do was ask her to Spend the Night Together.
And let's face it, this beauty is certainly no Honky Tonk Woman, and for sure Mick is no one's Beast of Burden!
Story: Here

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Juneapalooza Tour

OK what did I miss? Did anybody get married, become consciously uncoupled, have  triplets, get arrested, have a scandalous affair with an ambitious politician, or participate in any other juicy news worthy event?  I feel so out of touch since Ry Guy's last day of school 'cause that was the official start of our Juneapalooza tour. We started with a couple of college tours, then I went on a girls' trip to the Grove Park Inn, which is my favorite place on earth, and ended with a family trip to Boston because we have never been to that city and always wanted to go. Then BOOM, yesterday was Independence Day. WOW, summah is flyin' by folks. Here are a few highlights of Juneapalooza. Can't wait to catch up with y'all.
Ry Guy at the famous Old Well on the campus at The University Of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
The Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC. My family and friends know this is where they better scatter my ashes or I will haunt their asses.
Dinner on The Sunset Terrace at The Grove Park. OMG the view!
Boston is beautiful!
And the food is AMAZING!
The real deal for those of you old enough to remember.
A cheap imitation of the real thang.
What is a visit to Boston without checking out Harvard? (said with my most pompous inflection)
Couldn't decide witch shirt I liked bettah at the Salem witch museum?

Monday, June 6, 2016

I Did Not Kidnap Richard Simmons

Oh Dear GAWD people, I woke up yesterday and read the news that one of my favorite celebrities, Richard Simmons, was hospitalized for exhibiting bizarre behavior. I know some of you are thinkin', "what's bizarre when it comes to Richard?" Well to me, that means anything uncharacteristic of his normal flamboyant, exuberant personality.
So ya know I've been following this story very closely, because Richard has not been seen publicly for over 2 years. In fact, I was one of the last people to see him (among millions of others) at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in 2013. There he is waving as he floats by and I'm honestly jumpin' up and down, screamin' his name like a freakin' maniac 'cause I'm one of his crazed fans. I got my sweatin' to the oldies work out right there on the streets of NYC.
But sadly about 3 months ago the story broke that he was bein' held hostage in his own home by his longtime housekeeper. I'm goin' on record right now and  swearin' on the holy bible I did not break through the crowd, chase down that giant green turtle float, hoist my fat ass up there, and kidnap that striped zebra. Seriously folks, he is Richard Simmons after all.
He would have taken me out! Plus, y'all know I can't be the perp 'cause I hate housework.
Story: Here