Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Stuck Like Glue

Martha Weizman and Matthew Caleda too stuck up to talk to reporters.

Lawd folks, when my friend David sent me this news story about Martha Weizman and Matthew Caleda of Syracuse being stuck in love I just had to share with y'all. According to a super sleuth, the couple had to call emergency services after accidentally mistaking a tube of industrial super glue for sexual lubricant. Although paramedics tried to cover them with blankets, they were nekkid and afraid and stuck together in a super explicit sexual position. The ambulance passed right on by Jiffy Lube on the way to St. Joseph's Hospital Health Center, and luckily was not stuck in a traffic jam.

The people in the waiting room were super skeptical of the couple's deviant behavior and one 83 year old woman called them a bunch of perverted exhibitionists. Good news though, the surgeon played superman and after a three hour delicate surgery, the duo can no longer say, "I'm stuck in the middle with you". Thank Gawd, the poor couple did not need to be sent to the glue factory.

The moral of the story here folks is to throw away your tubes of super glue and buy yourself a glue gun. There ain't no mistaken that sucker! In New York alone this sticky situation has happened to 27 couples since 2013. Otherwise, you might find yourself with this catchy little tune stuck in your head:

Story: Here

Monday, September 28, 2015

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Since I'm a week late on my signature redneck red carpet recap of the Emmy awards, I'm gonna shake thangs up for y'all this time. As I sat down and opened up the bible, er People magazine, imagine my glee when their inside cover was the "standout styles" of the evening. So, I thought I would have me a little bit of fun. I immediately covered up the faces and asked Uncle Jeffy which dress he liked the best. He pointed to the frumpy disco ball. This, coming from a man who wears cargo shorts like a teenager, and still prefers 80's acid washed jeans if I don't throw them away.  Uh yea, I'm not even considering his opinion valid.
Hands down my choice was the royal blue and I thought to myself, "Damn, what a rockin' hot body that chick has and she has the confidence to wear those sexy cut outs". The final decision went to 15 year old Ry Guy who was in the middle of a serious video game. He put the video controller down for 15 seconds and said, "I like the blue one". That's my boy!
Then we revealed the faces. Yeppers, our winnah was transgender Laverne Cox! Rock on sista!
Who is your red carpet winnah? 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Feel Good Friday

Hoping y'all find your inner peace!
Sthank u Wayne for noing that thith gal alwayth finishesth what she starths!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Monday, September 21, 2015

The Witch is In

I know it's not technically fall.
But I had somethin' stuck in my craw.
Time to break out the old, the new, and somethin' scary too.
I had to turn this joint into a spooktacular witch's brew!
This gears me up for the entire holiday season.
Starting with Halloween is the main reason.
I just love those little ghosts and gouls.
This time of year really rules!
Uncle Jeffy will only allow me to "junk up" the inside for now.
'Cause he's afraid the neighbors will have a cow.
But come Oct. 1st I will give a rebel yell.
That's when the outside becomes tacky as hell!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Feel Good Friday

My guilty pleasure, candy corn, is now on the shelves, and it ain't survivin' at my house!

Monday, September 14, 2015

Little Orphan Debbie

I am now an orphan. At age 51, it feels so weird to say it, write it, or even comprehend it. But it's true. My Dad passed away in 2013, both of my grandparents died within 40 days of each other last summer, and then last week I received the dreaded phone call that made me an orphan. My Mother's doctor called and told me he had bad news. I braced myself as he informed me that my Mom's neighbors noticed that her newspapers and mail had not been touched in a couple of days and they had not seen her so they called 911. Sure enough, she was laying on her bathroom floor, dead of "sudden cardiac death" at 72 years young. She had not been sick as she had been to her doctor just last week. However, she had a heart attack about seven years ago, still continued to smoke like a freight train, and refused to take any medication except for a baby aspirin. Yeppers, cigarettes will kill ya! So I packed up, hopped in my car, and drove nine hours north to PA to make arrangements.

Ya know, everyone grieves in different ways. For me, I'm so glad she didn't have to suffer for six months like my Dad in a hospital and then a nursing home with horrible pain. Even though we were able to prepare ourselves and say good-bye to him, that was truly awful. The last conversation I had with my Mom was filled with joy and I will always hold that close to my heart. Shoot, as I was cleaning out her apartment, she had still had a cup of coffee on the table and some cigs in the ashtray. Two of her favorite thangs to git 'er goin' in the mornin'. As Steven Tyler says, I guess this time "her get up and go, got up and went" (to the pearly gates in this case)

Sadly, my parents were not much on takin' pictures throughout their life, but they sure did save some other crazy shit. I had some rip roarin' laughs at some of the items I found because the memories were so great:
Some hideous craft I made in 8th grade. I think it's a frog?
My first job when I was 15. I was the drive-thru Queen baby!
My t-shirt from my high school band trip to Mexico. It was freakin' awesome!
Now folks, even though my name might be Deb, I refuse to be a Debbie Downer. Here are a few thangs I have learned these past few years:
1. I am an incredibly strong woman. Ya might be able to throw me some sucker punches, but ya ain't gonna knock me out.
2. What I lack in siblings to share the load, I make up for a zillion times over with the most amazing friends on earth. I can only hope to be half the friend they have all been to me. I am humbled and grateful beyond belief for my support system.

3. I missed my calling in life 'cause I should have owned and operated a professional cleaning service for the myriad of shit I have cleaned up over the years. As I am now in charge of my Mom's special needs brother with no plan in place, Deb's clean up crew is on it!
4. If anyone else dies, I'm gonna kill ya!