Monday, June 1, 2015

The Golden Ticket

Ya know how there's so many remakes these days of movies? I swear every other movie is part 2, 3 or 15 of somethin' we already seen. Well, when my friend Midge sent me this news story, I thought, DAYM, these folks done a real life modern day spin off on the classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory down there in Florida. Whoda thunk it?

Seriously, just like Mr. Wonka was givin' out golden tickets to tour his heavenly chocolate factory, Tito and Amanda Watts were sellin' golden tickets to heaven for $99.99 each. All ya had to do was present the golden ticket at the pearly gates and you were in, just like presentin' that coveted ticket at the entrance to Mr. Wonka's chocolate factory. Tito got the tickets behind the KFC from Jesus. He also met an alien named Stevie, who said if he got the cash together he would take him and his wife on a spaceship to a planet made entirely of crack cocaine. Tell me that doesn't sound exactly like somethin' Mr. Slugworth would do! And right now who isn't picturin' Charlie, Grandpa Joe and Mr. Wonka in the Wonkavator when they press the "up and out button", break through the factory, and tour all over the city? The similarities between these stories are simply amazing!
Tito and Amanda Watts
 
When the law dogs arrested the couple they confiscated over 10 grand in cash, 5 crack pipes, and a baby alligator. Jaysus, the Watts are addicted to drugs just like that gluttonous Augustus was addicted to food. Sadly, they both drowned in their addictions. Poor Augustus couldn't keep his fat ass outta the chocolate river, and I guess this couple went down in the swamp to get their pet alligator.
Now that's where the parallels end folks, 'cause I doubt this twosome will be carried away by cute little oompa loompas to await their fate.

Story: Here
 
 
 

37 comments:

  1. I bet those two beautiful specimens will make gorgeous children.

    Also, if heaven contains these two, mountains of crack cocaine, KFC Jesus, and Stevie the alien then please just send me straight to hell.

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    Replies
    1. I'll meet ya there! Definitely not the heaven I want to go to.

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  2. lmao they actually made 10 grand off their scheme? Are people that much of a sap? Maybe the aliens were really oompa loompas in disguise.

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    Replies
    1. Do you believe that? Lots of folks must think $99.99 is a purdy good deal to get into heaven.

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  3. They must have had some pretty good drugs in their system to actually believe all of that

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  4. lol!! I'd like to buy a golden ticket to heaven. There's nothing wrong with a little security. hahahaha

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  5. I cant believe they made that much money!! They must have sold it to the crack house during prime time and made their pitch. Craziness!! Of course they had a pet alligator. SMH

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    Replies
    1. Wonder who is taking care of the poor alligator now?

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  6. Replies
    1. I said Yikes when I saw Tito's magic marker/tats on his face.

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  7. Dude! Tickets to heaven!
    I could put those suckers right up on ebay...
    oh...
    I'll, um... I'll be right back.

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  8. what's that on Tito's face? He kinda looks like a lemur!

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  9. Wow, tickets to heaven! You mean you can sin all you want and just buy your way in?

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    Replies
    1. with the way some churches treat people who fulfill their tithe,

      YES!

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  10. What's with the stripes on Tito? Does he think he's a tiger and letting everyone know he can't change?

    Tickets to Heaven? I wish I could say I've seen/heard it all, but somehow, some way, some other douche nozzle will find a way to top that.

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    Replies
    1. Those tiger stripes aren't even symmetrical. That would drive me nuts.

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  11. morons

    Deb, hilarious comparison to Wonka World.

    and thanks for noticing my 'skinny winnie' pic. You always make me LAUGH OUT LOUD!

    ♥renae

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  12. These two are poster children for the anti-drug foundation.

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    Replies
    1. They should be on a poster to scare the hell outta folks.

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  13. The only problem was that it was Jesus the gardener.
    Soooooo......

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    Replies
    1. Jesus is a common name for a gardener isn't it?

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  14. I know I am not a salesman, but gee, I can't imagine buying anything from this couple. And who were these fools that forked over a century note and ended up with a penny in change? And what will St. Peter do when you show up at the Pearly Gate with their "Get in Free for $99.99 Card"?

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  15. As bizarre as this whole story is, I'm perplexed by the baby alligator. Why?!

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    Replies
    1. I was too, but drugs make ya do some crazy shit.

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