Monday, June 22, 2015

Don't Go Green

I realize green smoothies are ALL the rage and have been for several years. Ya can't even open the bible, er People magazine, without seein' some gorgeous movie star sippin' on some such concoction. So, when my friend Sheri told me about a certain brand of green smoothies that can help make your skin glow and clean you out, I thought, Hallelujah, I'm gonna join the cult and drink me some of that green Kool Aid too. Now she did warn me that it tasted purdy bad, but the benefits were well worth it. Since Sheri has fabulous lookin' skin I was willin' to give it a whirl.

At my local grocery store, they only had one flavor of the brand Sheri recommended, but it was chock full of berries for 4 bucks for a teeny 12 ounce bottle. Daym, I throw berries in the blender all the time and make a huge ass smoothie for a whole lot less money than that. Not one to be deterred, I found a similar brand that contained all sorts of greens for the same whoppin' 4 bucks a bottle. I draw the line at choppin' up spinach and romaine lettuce in my blender, so I threw it in my cart. A girl's gotta have standards ya know.

So at the check out line I always go to the same lady named Catherine who truly keeps it real. She picks up the bottle to scan it and asks, "what is this crap"? I told her it was supposed to make my skin glow and clean me out. She raised her eyebrows and in her very New York accent asked me, "Why don't you just buy some Miralax and get a facial? It will be much more pleasurable".
Obviously Catherine the check out lady was right 'cause that's all the nasty greens I could manage to choke down. I estimate it was about $1.50 worth of spinach, romaine lettuce, collard greens, carrots, pineapple and a splash of turmeric for good measure. Truly it was the worst tasting stuff I have evah experienced and it ruined my appetite for the whole day. However, I now know the skinny secrets of the stars. Those green smoothies destroy their taste buds so nuthin' tastes good anymore. And, they must spend all day on the toilet. As for me, I ain't goin' green no more, unless it's green with envy every time I look at my friend Sheri's glowing skin.

37 comments:

  1. That looks disgusting.
    Lime is the only green thing I'm putting in my blender.

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    1. It really was disgusting. Lime would have been a welcome flavor!

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  2. oh, sister, why would ya buy it when you can do it in your blender? And you can use any combo that you like to make it actually taste good? It really does wonders to your body because believe it or not most people have layers of crap in their intestines that is there for years sometimes even a decade or so :) and it causes bad skin and tons of other problems... when you cleanse yourself inside you pretty much blossom....

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    1. I am so lazy Dezzy which is why I bought that crap. Send me a delicious recipe so I blossom.

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    2. I prefer fruity ones which I do every day and haven't had a flu in ten years or more :) Since I have raspberry shrub in my yard over summer I mash a banana, a cup of raspberries, an orange and some honey each day. Or kiwi instead of berries during winter. But always with honey.
      Or you can mix banana with honey, cocoa and cinnamon and that mix treats even cancer to some extent.
      With the green veggies I'd probably ad celery leaves and lemon to make it more drinkable :)
      Or you can mix beetroot with a carrot, orange, honey and peach and that's a winner mix too - cleanses liver and intestines and plus livens up the blood.

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    3. Now these I can do. Can't wait to try these yummy smoothies.

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  3. I love to make homemade green juice but would not touch store-bought with a ten foot pole. No way, there's no point.

    Enjoy the new week and boogie boogie.

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    1. I'm sure your homemade green juice is fantastic! I would love a recipe.

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    2. Do you have a juicer? Really, no recipes, just toss stuff in that tastes good. I love to use organic vedge. So yummy. But mine do contain organic spinach and kale - they are packed with healing yumminess.

      But seriously, I just toss stuff down the shoot and use the pulp for other things.

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    3. I don't have a juicer but I do have a high powered food processor. I will give it a whirl. Can't taste any worse than the crap I just put into my body.

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    4. Yep got it! I'm cranking Dezzy's recipes on high.

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  4. Oh, if only every grocery store had a Catherine! The amount of money people could save!
    That stuff you drank looks a lot like a spit cup for tobacco chewers. I can't believe you drank as much as you did.

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    1. Catherine rocks and she was recently voted most valuable employee! You are right, that crap does look like tobacco spit and I imagine it tastes like it too.

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  5. I'm one of those assholes that drinks green drinks to stay healthy, but I just make my own. And I choke them down in the privacy of my own home. And I don't for a minute pretend that I'm enjoying what I'm doing. "Yum, I love chewing on my drink! That's totally a normal thing to do!"

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    1. I might have to become a healthy asshole and choke down one of my own green creations.

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  6. Blah, that looks like something the cat yakked up. I tried one of those green super food blend things before, disgusting it was.

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    1. Yea how about that sediment at the bottom? I did almost yak it up.

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  7. I will stay with drinking plenty of water.

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  8. You're a brave soul!! I certainly wouldn't have taken more than the first sip. The picture looks gross. You look fabulous girlie and all you need to do is keep doing whatever you're already doing.

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    1. You are sweet. Thank you my friend. I was trying to get on the green bandwagon.

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  9. The secret of the stars is lots of money with which they pay a "trainer" to not let them eat. Hey, I'll let people pay me to slap food out of their hands and say "faster and more intense."

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  10. I think green smoothies became the rage about the same time the kale farmers decided they needed to sell more than a bushel of the stuff any given season. The kale folks probably invited the pomegranate and acai producers over for a little marketing pow-wow.
    While I have great respect for people that are willing to "hold their breath" and gag down green chunky shakes, I have to think that a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and eating right doesn't require us to choke down fowl tasting smoothies.

    I think I would like Catherine, the check out lady.

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    1. Catherine is awesome. And what the hell is acai and how do you really pronounce that?

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  11. That one does look rather disgusting. I've had some green smoothies that were really good. I particularly like the Green Passion Power Smoothie at Panera Bread. You can't even tell it has spinach in it beyond the smoothie being green.

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    1. Ah, now there is one to try. Thanks for the tip!

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  12. I used to work a produce department that had similar ones in the juice section. I would pour some out of date ones down the drain and they looked terrible

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  13. Think I'll grind up my lawn clippings and sell it for $4. Totally organic and artisan.

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  14. I almost puke whenever I see someone making or drinking that green crap. Really? I'm sure Sheri already had glowing skin, right? It's like Jennifer Aniston advertising skincare products, as if she had ugly skin at any point. I think I'll stick with chocolate milk and prunish skin.

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  15. That stuff just looks nasty tasting. I will stick with throwing fruit in the blender with a little half & half to add liquid and whirl away. Most of the fruit is naturally juicy anyways. Pear/cucumber is good, apple/mango, pineapple/watermelon. You can always add ice to make it a slush for summer and if you're in a party mood, toss in some rum. I call it a WIN!

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