Sunday, June 28, 2015

Goin' Bananas

We ladies here in the good ol' USA go bananas over Magic Mike, but the chicks in Japan have gone absolutely ape shit over this gorilla named Shabani makin' him the hottest heartthrob to hit Asia since, well, I guess there ain't any Asian heartthrobs so that's why they are so crazy for a damn hairy primate. Shabani, who lives in Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya, has attracted a large number of female admirers who visit him because he is so "handsome". His adoring Twitter followers call him "ikeman", which means a good looking man. And, you can see why:
Channeling his inner Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Just look at that sly devil.
The Thinker.
Beefcake baby!
Story: Here

Friday, June 26, 2015

Feel Good Friday

Yesterday was half way to Christmas. Do you have your decorations up yet?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Goin' South

It's Wacky Wednesday time folks, and y'all know we as a society have been goin' south for many years by makin' that damn krazy ass Kardashian Klan famous for who knows what. And here I am writin' about 'em like I give a flying fig. But I gotta tell ya, when Kimye announced they were expecting a baby boy, I just never realized the true extent of Kim's intelligence. She might actually be Mensa. 
Seriously, just listen to Kim's rationalization as to why the little bugger's name will not be "South":

Kardashian didn't say what the couple will name their son. But it's pretty safe to assume it won't be 'South.'
"I don't think we'll go with another direction," she told the NPR's quiz show 'Wait wait ... don't tell me!' during an appearance earlier this month.
"I don't like South West," she said, "because that's like - you know, North will always, you know, be better."
"I mean, everyone keeps on saying South, and I think it's so stupid," she added.
It's fucking brilliant; "Go with another direction". That's it Kim! Veer off in a completely different direction and name the dude "Go". Then when the masses shout "Go West Young Man" at the little young'un he has every right to blame his fascination for becoming a fame whore on the moniker his parents gave him.
Story: Here

Monday, June 22, 2015

Don't Go Green

I realize green smoothies are ALL the rage and have been for several years. Ya can't even open the bible, er People magazine, without seein' some gorgeous movie star sippin' on some such concoction. So, when my friend Sheri told me about a certain brand of green smoothies that can help make your skin glow and clean you out, I thought, Hallelujah, I'm gonna join the cult and drink me some of that green Kool Aid too. Now she did warn me that it tasted purdy bad, but the benefits were well worth it. Since Sheri has fabulous lookin' skin I was willin' to give it a whirl.

At my local grocery store, they only had one flavor of the brand Sheri recommended, but it was chock full of berries for 4 bucks for a teeny 12 ounce bottle. Daym, I throw berries in the blender all the time and make a huge ass smoothie for a whole lot less money than that. Not one to be deterred, I found a similar brand that contained all sorts of greens for the same whoppin' 4 bucks a bottle. I draw the line at choppin' up spinach and romaine lettuce in my blender, so I threw it in my cart. A girl's gotta have standards ya know.

So at the check out line I always go to the same lady named Catherine who truly keeps it real. She picks up the bottle to scan it and asks, "what is this crap"? I told her it was supposed to make my skin glow and clean me out. She raised her eyebrows and in her very New York accent asked me, "Why don't you just buy some Miralax and get a facial? It will be much more pleasurable".
Obviously Catherine the check out lady was right 'cause that's all the nasty greens I could manage to choke down. I estimate it was about $1.50 worth of spinach, romaine lettuce, collard greens, carrots, pineapple and a splash of turmeric for good measure. Truly it was the worst tasting stuff I have evah experienced and it ruined my appetite for the whole day. However, I now know the skinny secrets of the stars. Those green smoothies destroy their taste buds so nuthin' tastes good anymore. And, they must spend all day on the toilet. As for me, I ain't goin' green no more, unless it's green with envy every time I look at my friend Sheri's glowing skin.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Gas Tax

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. When my friend Kristen sent me this story I thought it was such a gas, that I just had to share it with y'all. So apparently three time All Pro Denver Bronco linebacker Von Miller can't just toot his own horn about his skills on the field. No sir, he also takes the prize for being fined the most for farting in the team meetings. Yeppers, the players actually get fined a gas tax for cuttin' the cheese.
Passing the football might be an awesome thang, but passing gas, not so much. The Broncos prefer a silent meeting, rather than a silent but deadly one. Mr. Miller justifies lettin' 'em rip by saying it's not healthy to hold it in and he does break wind more than the average person.

The whole thang sounds like a stinky situation and makes ya want to tell the powers at be to blow it out their ass! I mean seriously, they are obviously full of hot air. So I say if you're gonna get fined anyway, go on and play your butt tuba and make it a magnificent symphony:

Story: Here

Monday, June 8, 2015

Triple the Pleasure

How 'bout that American Pharoah?
He sure made a ton of dough!
 The Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont; he won them all.
The other horses did surely fall.
History was made on Saturday night.
That horse crossed the finish line just right.
First triple crown winnah in 37 years.
His owner and trainer shed lots of tears.
Winning the triple crown is a most difficult feat.
One that certainly is hard to beat.
He doesn't have to race no more.
Sex will now be his basic chore.
Surely he will be put out on the stud farm.
Where mares will line up for his southern charm.
To be treated like a king.
All for his big ding a ling.
He can sire as many colts as his sperm will allow.
And the racing world will all take a bow.
Best thing is no child support will come his way.
Now that's a prize to surely make his day!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Feel Good Friday

I promise this is the absolute best 10 minutes you will see all day. Now commence watching and prepare to be inspired!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A True Winnah

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday Folks!  For the past couple days everybody has been yammerin' about whether Bruce Jenner's cover photo on Vanity Fair was photo shopped, air brushed, etc. Who really cares? She's got a damn nice rack and awesome legs, so I say flaunt it if ya got it baby.
But seriously, I think the real issue is that Bruce chose a name that could have very easily started with a "K" like the rest of the Krazy ass Kardashian Klan, but instead she decided to spell Caitlyn with a "C". No more bein' ruled by Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie. Caitlyn just proved she's her own woman. You go girl!

And dare I say that Caitlyn no longer has to keep up with a certain Kardashian, 'cause she just dashed passed her, hurdled over her, and vaulted her way to the top spot, provin' once again she's a gold medal winnah!

Monday, June 1, 2015

The Golden Ticket

Ya know how there's so many remakes these days of movies? I swear every other movie is part 2, 3 or 15 of somethin' we already seen. Well, when my friend Midge sent me this news story, I thought, DAYM, these folks done a real life modern day spin off on the classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory down there in Florida. Whoda thunk it?

Seriously, just like Mr. Wonka was givin' out golden tickets to tour his heavenly chocolate factory, Tito and Amanda Watts were sellin' golden tickets to heaven for $99.99 each. All ya had to do was present the golden ticket at the pearly gates and you were in, just like presentin' that coveted ticket at the entrance to Mr. Wonka's chocolate factory. Tito got the tickets behind the KFC from Jesus. He also met an alien named Stevie, who said if he got the cash together he would take him and his wife on a spaceship to a planet made entirely of crack cocaine. Tell me that doesn't sound exactly like somethin' Mr. Slugworth would do! And right now who isn't picturin' Charlie, Grandpa Joe and Mr. Wonka in the Wonkavator when they press the "up and out button", break through the factory, and tour all over the city? The similarities between these stories are simply amazing!
Tito and Amanda Watts
When the law dogs arrested the couple they confiscated over 10 grand in cash, 5 crack pipes, and a baby alligator. Jaysus, the Watts are addicted to drugs just like that gluttonous Augustus was addicted to food. Sadly, they both drowned in their addictions. Poor Augustus couldn't keep his fat ass outta the chocolate river, and I guess this couple went down in the swamp to get their pet alligator.
Now that's where the parallels end folks, 'cause I doubt this twosome will be carried away by cute little oompa loompas to await their fate.

Story: Here