Monday, December 21, 2015

MIA in a Good Way

Dang, it's been awhile since I sat down at my computer and wrote a blog post. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't, but I sure missed my blogging buddies! I've been MIA, but mostly in a good way.

Let me try to condense my train wreck of a life for ya, so y'all can feel better about yours. I'm tellin' ya folks, this should put some Merry in your Christmas, some Happy in your Holidays and some Joy in your World.

Ok, as a result of my Mom dyin' in September I inherited her special needs brother. Uh yea, it's less than an ideal situation for me, tryin' to oversee his care from 9 hours away. So, a few weeks ago I headed to PA to deal with those myriad of issues. As a treat to myself for gettin' mostly all my ducks in a row, my childhood friend Mindy and I took a bite out of the Big Apple. For 2 1/2 days, we ate, drank, window shopped and saw all the magical highlights the city has to offer this time of year.
The gorgeous Christmas tree at Rockefeller center
Our delicious meal at Eataly
Kinky Boots freakin' rocked!
While I was gone, I received the best Christmas present EVAH. It's something I have not blogged about 'cause my friends are so damn tired of hearin' about it they want to slap me upside da head and say, "shut up bitch". But, just 'cause it's local news doesn't mean my blogging buddies even know about it.
Almost two years ago we discovered that the fat bastard above, who was Uncle Jeffy's office manager, embezzled over 500 grand from his plastic surgery practice. We will never know the full amount he stole because it cost the practice $1.4 million in direct and indirect costs to prove his guilt and to keep the business solvent. We simply could no longer justify spending good money to chase bad money. This "Guy" was our friend, our trusted office manager, who for seven years systemically and calculatedly stole from the 43 employees who worked there every single day.
 
After a most painful experience with the justice system, he pled guilty to 16 counts of embezzlement and one count of forgery while I was in PA. Living with this for 22 months has been pure hell. I sincerely hope none of you are ever a victim of a crime, 'cause as an attorney, I can say with full confidence that our legal system definitely holds true to the tenant of "innocent until proven guilty". Last Wednesday was the best day of my life as I watched the judge sentence the embezzler to spend the next 3-4 years in the slammer, hopefully bein' Big Bubba's bitch! For those of you who are interested in reading the article of how Uncle Jeffy got on the witness stand and blasted his ass in a victim statement, the link is Here
 
Even more so than the fact this nightmare is over, I am extremely proud that we reported the Guy's misdeeds to law enforcement instead of just firing him and trying to move on, that we had the stamina to continue to fight thru seemingly impossible odds within the legal system, and to send a message to the community that thieves need to be punished criminally. Although I lost a few friends and acquaintances in the pursuit of what I believe was the right and honorable thing to do, my rock solid family has reminded me of this famous quote, which I will leave you with today:
 
  
 

 

Monday, November 30, 2015

The New Sporty Royals

The modern day sporty royals like to play by their own rules.
They got no problem puttin' on a harness and showin' off the family jewels.
Hell with a package like that I would repel down a wall too.
Prince Willy's got 'em a built in strap on if the rope won't do.
And how about the prim and proper Duchess Kate?
There is nuthin' about her highness you can hate.
Even with her vajayjay full on show.
The bitch is not even sportin' camel toe!
 


Monday, November 23, 2015

Mr. Ugly

In some parts of the world, women anxiously await People magazine's annual Sexiest Man Alive issue. But in Zimbabwe, men actually compete for the coveted title of "Mr. Ugly". This year's winner is 42 year old Maison Sere, who beat five other contestants to win the $500 prize. Apparently that is a big deal in that country with such massive unemployment. Mr. Sere, who came in fourth place last year, thanked God and the judges for the title. Awe, such a beautiful acceptance speech
But in every pageant there are some sore losers. William Masvinu, a three time Mr. Ugly winner, who scored the $100 second place prize this year, accused the judges of not being fair and said the organizers need new judges for the contest to be fresh. Well folks, I think Mr. Masvinu's ugly behavior exemplifies that old sayin', "ugly is as ugly does"!

Thanks David for the butt ugly story.

Story: Here

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

An Unlikely Winner

It's Wacky Wednesday time folks and today I have to admit that maybe I'm the wacko. So how many of you watched the Charlie Sheen interview on The Today Show yesterday where he divulged that he's HIV positive? As I sat down to watch I was fully prepared to make jokes about tiger blood and write this blog full of puns like "no longer winning" and "who's losing now" etc.
 
But as I watched this notorious Hollywood bad boy fully disclose his private health status, and admit his high risk behaviors such as drug addiction and frequent sex with prostitutes, I felt real compassion for the guy. It takes courage to go on national TV to talk about such sensitive issues. But what really got me in "the feels" was when Charlie admitted the reason why he was going public with the news was because people had extorted so much money from him over the years by threatening to expose his condition. He has paid almost $10 million to buy silence from these vultures.  These fucktards are not just taking Charlie's money, they are taking money away from Charlie's children and grandchild. Seriously, anyone who would take a photo of his antiviral meds and threaten to post the pic on social media deserves to be slapped into next week. 

Believe me folks, I nevah thought I would be writing a post in support of Charlie Sheen of all people. But even I have morals, and I don't believe in blackmail when it comes to something as personal as your health. So good for you Charlie for taking the high road. You are winning! 
 

Story: Here

Monday, November 16, 2015

Friendsgiving


The holidays in general are so crazy with everybody traveling near and far to visit family they want to see, and family they are obligated to see, so why not slow down a bit and give thanks for the amazing friends in your life.  For the second year, my fabulous Pink Ladies Book Club will be celebrating our friendship and giving thanks for each other with our own Friendsgiving Extravaganza.

No need to exchange pleasantries with crazy Aunt Gertrude and creepy Uncle Charlie over green bean casserole. We will do that next week on the actual holiday. But in advance of Thanksgiving, all of us will gather around the dinnah table to break bread with each other. The host makes the turkey and each member of our book club brings a bottle of wine and a favorite family Thanksgiving side dish to share. Everybody signs up in advance so we don't have 10 bowls of mashed taters. The selection of vittles last year was absolutely incredible and I'm so looking forward to Friendsgiving this week.

So folks, if you need to break away from the madness, why not organize a Friendsgiving of your own? It's cheap, easy, and best of all, your stomach won't just hurt from eating all of that delicious food, it will hurt from rip' roarin' belly laughs. Now that is somethin' to be thankful for!

Monday, November 9, 2015

The Glamorous Life of a Writer

That's me folks, workin' on my edits and rewrites for my up coming coffee table book, Deb's Daily Drivel. As you can see, it's such a glamorous life. I haven't seen the sunshine in three damn days. Oh wait, that's a Kid Rock song. I haven't eaten in a week and survive on only coffee and cigarettes. Yea, maybe if I was a supermodel, but who am I kidding? I get off my ass every 15 minutes or so to peruse the contents of the pantry and fridge and sit back down again, usually with snack in hand. However, I do enjoy stayin' in my PJ's all day, bare faced, and wearin' a 1980's scrunchie in my hair.

So, please excuse my lack of blogging and commenting on your fabulous blogs for a bit while I try to get these edits in decent shape. Seriously, how do the famous novelists do it? My literary masterpiece is only 365 daily tidbits of comedic advice I learned along this wild ride called life and I can't seem to get my shit together. Laziness on my part I suppose. Anywho, don't expect greatness, but you can bet your bottom dollar I'm keepin' it real.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

A Hair Raising Experience

It's Wacky Wednesday time folks, and today I found a few thangs I thought might tickle your funny bone. In case you were wonderin' why Asians crush us slack ass Americans academically, it's 'cause we are too damn easy on our kids. This hair raising experience will put 'em at the head of the class:
I know some folks think the pumpkin spice craze is outta control, but I think 3 full rows of Quinoa at my local grocery store is ludicrous. Seriously, that much space for an item most people can't even pronounce is just over kill:
And hope y'all didn't forget to visit your dear old Granny this year or else you gettin' take out for Thanksgiving:


Monday, November 2, 2015

Scared Straight

I heard this study on the radio the other day that really has me perplexed. According to Chapman University's second annual survey of American fears, here are the top ten things people in the good ol' USA are most afraid of:

1. Corruption of government officials: 58 percent

2. Cyber terrorism: 44.8 percent

3. Corporate tracking of personal information: 44.6 percent 

4. Terrorist attacks 44.4 percent

5. Government tracking of personal information: 41.4 percent

6. Bio-warfare: 40.9 percent 

7. Identity theft: 39.6 percent

8. Economic collapse: 39.2 percent

9. Running out of money in the future: 37.4 percent

10. Credit card fraud: 36.9 percent

Now I'm certainly not one to judge anyone's fears 'cause I got an irrational fear of fish after seein' a dude get bit on the nipple from some crazy ass fish about 30 years ago. Weird I know, but I ain't goin' in the water after hearin' him scream and witnessin' that fish chomp down on his moob. Dang, I got me a bigger target.

Anywho, what I got a problem with is #1. So, without gettin' all political on ya folks, how can you have a fear of a known fact? That's my question. Almost 60% of the people who participated in the study have a fear of a known fact. That doesn't make sense to me. That's like bein' scared of the earth bein' round, or hidin' under the covers 'cause Santa isn't real, or bein' afraid the latest Kardashian scandal will get more news coverage than a hero who jumped into a burning building to save an entire family. Yea, that last one pisses ya off just like the corruption of government officials, but why worry about somethin' ya simply can not control? Surely you shouldn't fear it right?  Now slimy, scaly fish that could bite the hell outta your nipples, that will scare ya straight!

Study: Here

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Halloween Prank

Happy Wacky Wednesday of Halloween week! Here's a cute little prank to play on your family and friends that should give them quite a fright.

Thanks David for the spooktacular idea!

Monday, October 26, 2015

Bottoms Up!

Calling all winos: a new study suggests that drinking wine at bedtime can help you lose weight. Cheers to that folks! Sure there's that fine print that moderation is the key, blah, blah, blah, and that you must replace your after dinner snacks with a couple glasses of wine, rather than adding the libation to your established snacking routine. But, researchers at Harvard University, YES, HAHVAHD, found that women who drank two glasses of wine daily reduced their risk of obesity. Hey, if itsth good enoufth for folkth at Hahvardth then itsth good enoufth for thith little ol' red necth. Tho pour yourthelf some winth tonite before bedth and watch the poundth melths away.



Thank you Sara for validating my nightly wine consumption.

Study: Here

Monday, October 19, 2015

Return of the Valley Girl

So like this weekend Uncle Jeffy and I totally went to visit our son at college. On the second leg of our trip we like had the misfortune of sitting directly in front of two chicks on the airplane who totally were hell bent on bringing back the dreaded valley girls of the 80's. If you are of like a certain age, you totally know the rad lingo, you seriously know the gnarly accent, and you can fer sure like totally picture the excellent fashion of the 80's. I mean, O, My God, these girls did not like seriously stop talking the entire 75 minute flight. They were like going to be bridesmaids in a friend's wedding which was like seriously going to be so much fun, but this was like the tenth wedding they have been in in like the past two years, and like it is getting like seriously expensive. And O, My God, can you like totally even believe Jason is going to be there after what he even did to Amanda? Just shut up! I mean seriously.

Well folks, I learned a few traveling tips this weekend:

1.  Always pack a good set of earphones on your carry on luggage;
2.  Sometimes the outrageous price of in flight cocktails suddenly seems worth every penny; and
3.  The saying "always a bridesmaid but never a bride" like totally makes sense, 'cause who the fuck would marry that!

Friday, October 9, 2015

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and today's wacky story out of Bangkok might be a little hard to swallow. Apparently 39 year old Jiang Xulian, and a Chinese man were arrested at Bangkok's airport ready to rock and roll their way out of Thailand. Police had rock solid surveillance evidence of the couple stealing a 6 carat diamond at a jewelry fair.
Disclaimer: This is not Ms. Xulian. It's just some random Asian chick I found on Google Images holding a big ass diamond.
 
The couple initially denied involvement, but when an x-ray showed the diamond in the woman's intestine, she was between a rock and a hard place and she confessed. When laxatives failed to make her eat and run, she had to swallow her pride and submit to a colonoscopy so doctors could remove the object. Yeppers, that gives black diamond a whole new meaning! 
 
It's a tough pill to swallow, but if convicted the couple face up to three years in the slammer. Good news is that I hear if she uses her time wisely she can git 'er some rock hard abs and be a real diamond in the rough!
 
 
Story: Here

Monday, October 5, 2015

Spooktacular Costumes on a Budget

October is here and now it is officially time to start thinking about what to wear for Halloween. If you don't want to spend a lot of money on a costume you will likely only wear one time, here are some creative DIY ideas for you to make at home:
Twitter bird. #tweettweet #ItoughtItawapuddytat Oh wait, that's @tweety bird. I still don't understand Twitter.
These chicks look much more tame than the real Taco Hell sauces they represent.
ET phone home!
Spaghetti and meatballs anyone?
Special order your favorite latte.
A bolt of lightening is very, very frightening!
Plug it up.
The Spice Girls.
A newborn Italian footlong.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Stuck Like Glue

Martha Weizman and Matthew Caleda too stuck up to talk to reporters.

Lawd folks, when my friend David sent me this news story about Martha Weizman and Matthew Caleda of Syracuse being stuck in love I just had to share with y'all. According to a super sleuth, the couple had to call emergency services after accidentally mistaking a tube of industrial super glue for sexual lubricant. Although paramedics tried to cover them with blankets, they were nekkid and afraid and stuck together in a super explicit sexual position. The ambulance passed right on by Jiffy Lube on the way to St. Joseph's Hospital Health Center, and luckily was not stuck in a traffic jam.

The people in the waiting room were super skeptical of the couple's deviant behavior and one 83 year old woman called them a bunch of perverted exhibitionists. Good news though, the surgeon played superman and after a three hour delicate surgery, the duo can no longer say, "I'm stuck in the middle with you". Thank Gawd, the poor couple did not need to be sent to the glue factory.

The moral of the story here folks is to throw away your tubes of super glue and buy yourself a glue gun. There ain't no mistaken that sucker! In New York alone this sticky situation has happened to 27 couples since 2013. Otherwise, you might find yourself with this catchy little tune stuck in your head:

Story: Here

Monday, September 28, 2015

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Since I'm a week late on my signature redneck red carpet recap of the Emmy awards, I'm gonna shake thangs up for y'all this time. As I sat down and opened up the bible, er People magazine, imagine my glee when their inside cover was the "standout styles" of the evening. So, I thought I would have me a little bit of fun. I immediately covered up the faces and asked Uncle Jeffy which dress he liked the best. He pointed to the frumpy disco ball. This, coming from a man who wears cargo shorts like a teenager, and still prefers 80's acid washed jeans if I don't throw them away.  Uh yea, I'm not even considering his opinion valid.
 
Hands down my choice was the royal blue and I thought to myself, "Damn, what a rockin' hot body that chick has and she has the confidence to wear those sexy cut outs". The final decision went to 15 year old Ry Guy who was in the middle of a serious video game. He put the video controller down for 15 seconds and said, "I like the blue one". That's my boy!
 
Then we revealed the faces. Yeppers, our winnah was transgender Laverne Cox! Rock on sista!
 
Who is your red carpet winnah? 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Feel Good Friday

Hoping y'all find your inner peace!
 
 
Sthank u Wayne for noing that thith gal alwayth finishesth what she starths!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Monday, September 21, 2015

The Witch is In

I know it's not technically fall.
But I had somethin' stuck in my craw.
Time to break out the old, the new, and somethin' scary too.
I had to turn this joint into a spooktacular witch's brew!
This gears me up for the entire holiday season.
Starting with Halloween is the main reason.
I just love those little ghosts and gouls.
This time of year really rules!
Uncle Jeffy will only allow me to "junk up" the inside for now.
'Cause he's afraid the neighbors will have a cow.
But come Oct. 1st I will give a rebel yell.
That's when the outside becomes tacky as hell!