Monday, September 30, 2013

My Name in Lights

The uber talented, and hilariously funny Pat Hatt from It's Rhyme Time has made a video starring little ol' me as a cartoon character based on some of my crazy personality quirks. Click Here to check it out and please become one of Pat's stalkers if you aren't already. I look forward to his silly rhyming posts every single day, and I don't think the guy sleeps 'cause he cranks out a children's book about every other month. A true phenom I'm tellin' ya!!! Hope you enjoy!!!

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack


Dear John, that 19 year old will trade in your gear shift for a faster model when you run outta gas.
 
Thanks Collette for the great joke!

Friday, September 27, 2013

Walk While You Work

Can't find time to work and go to the gym?
The chances of doing both sometimes can be mighty slim.
But check out this handy dandy tool
Tell me this invention doesn't rule.
The new treadmill desk lets you exercise while you work.
If you are so inclined you can even try to twerk!
No excuse now not to move your lazy ass
Get out the aggression when your boss is being crass.
Set that sucker for a full on run
Break a good sweat before you are done!
How many miles can you log in a typical day?
Those unwanted el bees will surely melt away.
For only $479.00 on Amazon that's quite a deal.
Come on folks, let's be real.
How are you gonna use your keyboard while trying not to trip?
I envision many falls ending with a big, fat lip.
Imagine a conference call huffing and puffing
Your colleague will think you are wiener stuffing.
Does anyone think this is a good idea, may I ask?
Maybe for the king or queen of the multitask?
As for me, I'll sit on my butt and blog away,
And save my work out for another part of my day.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hard Times

Wacky Wednesday is here again folks and today I'm gonna give ya the long and short of it.  A hard headed 66 year old Columbian man learned the hard way about the risks of Viagra. Apparently Mr. Long John Silver got a big head and enthusiastically overdosed on the drug to impress his new girlfriend. The dude was hard as a rock for several days and had to be admitted to the hospital. There he learned real quick from the school of hard knocks that he was suffering from a penile fracture and swelling, with symptoms of gangrene. It was a hard days night but doctors had to amputate his penis to keep gangrene from spreading to other parts of his body.

Good news is that if you ask him a question, he may be stumped, but he's definitely not hard of hearing!

Now if this story gave any of you the hard luck blues, take a look at this chart my lovely friend Heather sent me. Damn, I might try to drive a hard bargain just to get to the Congo some day. Find your favorite hard candy in the wheel above, and remember what Mae West always said, "A hard man is good to find".

Story: Here

Monday, September 23, 2013

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

The Emmy awards were last night, and if you missed the three hour snore fest, consider yourself lucky. There were no huge productions numbers, no trips and falls (except one completely staged by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler), and sadly, no wardrobe malfunctions. As always, I'm here to give ya the snarky redneck red carpet recap, 'cause like I've said before, if the purple/grey haired Kelly Osbourne is now considered a fashion critic, there's a market for anyone.
Body huggilicious with no bootilicious showing this year.
Zooey Deschanel wrapped up like a pretty package.
How about Tina Fey showin' some boob?
 
In contrast, someone please buy Claire Danes some tits!
 Heidi Klum needs some horns and a pitch fork to be one sexy devil.
I made a D on this watercolor painting in third grade.
So glad to see stars can get creative with a glue gun and appliques.
Amanda, Halloween is next month.
So that's what happened to my 70's beads. Did you steal my disco ball too Julianne?
January Jones wearing Pepto Bismol pink 'cause her stomach still hurts from those rumors of her being the other woman in the Miley Cyrus/Liam Hunksworth triangle.
Connie Britton staying snuggly and warm in a velvet bedspread.
And the fugliest dress award goes to Lena Dunham for wearing her outdoor garden to an indoor event.
 
Fashions: Here
 



Thursday, September 19, 2013

What a prize!

CALM DOWN FOLKS!!!! No, I did not cross over to the dark side and become a Benedict Arnold to my team. Not that I have anything against the Vols, except that the ever annoying, and always pouting Peyton Manning came outta that program, but my allegiance will always lie with my beloved West Virginia Mountaineers. It's just that it's football season and this story about a fanatical fan auctioning off his step daughter like some half time prize was too awesome to pass up . Check out this ad that was placed on Craig's List, the mecca for Ted Bundy types chomping at the bit for their next prey:

Free Ticket! Tennessee-Florida This Weekend on the 40 – $1 (Sec 36, Row 19)
My step-daughter’s date backed out (his loss, your gain) for the game…
1 Free ticket for the Tennessee-Florida Football game this Saturday (cost to me, $150) on the 40 for the right gentleman. You must be an attractive, professional, single well educated gentleman, with a good sense of humor, 25-33. You also must not be threatened by an attractive, professional, single well educated lady, (as she is). If you do not qualify, please pass this ad to a friend.
The fine print: I lied! (Sorry…not totally free). Your cost will be a modest dinner, drinks and delightful conversation with her before or after the game.
P.S. (Being a Tennessee Vols fan is not required but is highly desirable)
Only those that respond with pictures and resume will be considered! Be creative!
9/17 3:55pm EDT updated info: due to the overwhelming response we have received so far, (and to the fact that we’re doing this completely off the cuff with absolutely no planning whatsoever) we decided to put a deadline on entrance. All entries must be in by midnight tomorrow (Wed) night EDT. A winner will be notified by 10 a.m. EDT Thursday. Thanks to all the respondents, and good luck!
I realize it's late in the game, but maybe some of you single players might want to apply. I'm sure they would make an exception for a top recruit! So apparently the guy is a die hard Vols fan who has never heard of StubHub. Call me a cynic, but if this chick can't get a date without her stepdaddy pimpin' her out on the personals, there's a reason. Probably because she's one of those hand to the hip posers. Granted I've been guilty of this pose myself, which is now a Facebook epidemic 'cause it masks your arm fat. But in general, ya gotta watch out for those types of girls who are trying to emulate Angelina Jolie on the red carpet. News flash, Brad Pitt already put a ring on it so he probably ain't interested. And why can't she just take a girlfriend, unless she doesn't have any? Sadly, I fear the next time we hear about this story we are gonna see some middle aged dude wearing a Tennessee Volunteer shirt on Unsolved Mysteries pleading for the safe return of his beloved, beautiful step daughter who was last seen on a beach in Aruba.

Story: Here

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Tweet, Tweedle-Lee-Dee

It's Wacky Wednesday time folks and today I thought I would share with y'all some entertaining tweets from the awesome website dumbesttweets.com. Dang, and I thought I was a twittiot. Wait 'til you read some of these gems:
Somebody needs to retake geography.
 
Uh yea dude, that's Morgan Freeman, who played Mr. Mandela in a movie.
Like the saying goes, "common sense can't be taught".
Can you kill the stupid people?
Math can be challenging. 
Dang, America aged quicker than Keith Richards.
Jesus must be a Republican.
I demand a recount.
Wow, not only did Trayvon turn into an alien, but poor Air Jordan is now thought to be Michael Vick.
 



Monday, September 16, 2013

I'm Corny

I'm the first person to admit that I don't know much about anything, but one thang I do claim to be an expert on is the art and science of eatin' candy corn. Yea, I know you can't earn a PhD in the subject, but hey, somebody's gotta know somethin' about this fall staple right? As soon as I see those little white, orange and yellow sugary triangles my body starts to quiver and shake like an orgasm building deep down inside of me. Since it is someone's idea of a cruel joke to tempt my will power by putting this delicious treat on store shelves as early as August, I have to stay strong and not allow myself to give into temptation until at least mid-September so I won't blow up like Rosie O'Donnell before Halloween. Saturday was my breaking point. I held out long enough. It was time to go whole hog baby!!!

First of all, Brach's is the best brand hands down. All others are cheap imitations. Second, there are several ways to eat this fat free candy. Unlike other sugary confections, there is no advantage to licking it and sucking it before swallowing. Rather, you can pop a few pieces in your mouth and chew the whole load all at once for a delightful sugar rush. Or you can savor the flavor by biting off the tiny white tip first, then going down on the meaty orange middle, and saving the yellow base for last. WHEW, is anybody gettin' hot and sweaty from that explanation???????
I'm Corny
There are other little known facts I discovered over my years of study, like if you decorate with candy corn and candles it does burn. Actually, it sort of bubbles up first and then when it burns it smells like you are at the county fair with that wonderful scent of cotton candy in the air. If you happen to put it in water for an extended period of time be prepared for a slimy mess. Those little suckers can be fun and challenging to stack in a make shift game of House of Cards and they can also be used as chips in a round or two of poker. And last, but certainly not least, it makes some sweet fangs. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fact or Fiction?

Time for another round of fact or fiction. This dude wakes up from anesthesia, sees his wife of 6 years and hits on her saying things like: "Are you a model; Man you are eye candy; You are the prettiest woman I've ever seen." When she tells him she's his wife he says "Holy shit. Man, I hit the jackpot". Some folks are questioning the authenticity of the video. What do you think? Is the guy full of shit or is he really wacked out on meds?
No matter the truth, I'll have what he's havin'.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Double Play

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Today is dedicated to all of you two timin', double trouble freaks who ever rejected the idea that double happiness was somethin' you ordered from a Chinese menu, but rather somethin' you got from your twisted twin fantasy.  
But not just any kinda twins folks, on November 26th, the porn industry is bringin' you double the fun by creating the first adult film featuring "conjoined twins". As you can tell, these girls are not really joined at the hip. Honestly the fake prosthesis looks more like a big wad of double bubble gum stuck between the two. However, they do have a nice set of twin peaks don't they? I know some of you dudes wouldn't mind doin' double duty on these two peas in a pod, and I'll bet you double or nuthin' at least one of my male readers is thinkin' gettin' two heads is better than one.

Although the film sounds over the top, the stars' two cents worth is that it will connect with the mainstream. Apparently there is gonna be some lesbian action and a dramatic ending, enough to give you double vision. I dunno, even if they filmed at the Double Tree Inn, they would need a bigger bed than just a mere twin size to accommodate all the players. Either way you look at it folks, it would take two and a half men to unattach that fake connecter, just to use a body double.


Story: Here

Monday, September 9, 2013

Twerking Fail

Thanks to my friend Travis we can all learn several lessons from this 30 second video depicting a big ol' twerk fail. Although this chick may not receive the same fall out as Miley Cyrus, she sure did suffer a fall of a different kind. First of all, I can certainly appreciate the day drinkin' 'cause no one likes to get their groove on more than me after a few libations in the middle of the afternoon. However, GIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLL ya gotta learn to cut the tag outta your thong when ya first bring it home from the lingerie store 'cause havin' it hang outta your yoga pants just ain't sexay. Now while candles do add mood lighting, they probably are not necessary during daylight hours, and if you watched the video, are actually a bit of a hazard. And last, but certainly not least, always, always, double bolt the lock before you begin any wild shenanigans 'cause otherwise you are just askin' for trouble! Good news is, with that nice ass and those awesome moves, combined with the candle mishap, she can truly claim, "This Girl is on Fire"!!!!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Happy 18th Birthday Conner

 
Born on September 6, 1995
Eighteen wonderful years you've been alive!
You sure do look exactly like your Dad.
No paternity test needed to be had.
You started out as the world's most colicky baby.
I thought I could give you back somehow, maybe???
But then you turned into a really sweet boy
Who was always willing to share a toy.
I'm so impressed with the level of your smarts
Much more so than your stinky farts.
Even though you've reached the age of majority
You live at home, so I'm still the authority.
If you hit it big today with the purchase of your first lottery ticket
You better share with your Mama or there's gonna be a picket.
Otherwise you can forget about those crab legs you ordered for your evening meal.
Show me the money, or believe me, there ain't no deal! 
As we blow out the candles tonight on your cake
I must admit my heart will break.
'Cause now you've started your senior year.
And that actually makes me shed a tear.
Next year you will be in college on your own.
The man you have become will clearly be shown.
I love you Conner more than words can say!
I only wish you the best every single day!
 
 
 
 
 


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Show Me the Money

It's Wacky Wednesday time again, and today I'm gonna give ya the straight poop about some butt head from Tennessee who stole 5 G's from her boyfriend and stashed it up the ol' Hershey Highway as a hiding place. Not to worry folks, there was no dirty money involved 'cause when the law dogs came to arrest her for the stolen goods, she tried to use a toilet brush and a pair of tongs to remove the $5,000 butt plug. Holy shit, she woulda been better drinkin' an entire bottle of prune juice and lettin' nature take its course 'cause that debacle landed her in the hospital with severe rectal bleeding. Butt, at least she didn't dump and run. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
So there's Christie Black, who was "framed" by her asshole boyfriend to see if she would steal the cash. He put the money inside two envelopes in a medicine bag, placed it on a foosball table and went to bed. When he woke up the bag was missing so he called the cops. Miss Shit for Brains admitted to stealing the loot 'cause she was afraid her boyfriend was gonna kick her to the curb and she needed a place to live. Wonder if the dude thinks he got a shitty return on his investment?

I suppose there is good news and bad news regarding this wacky story. The good news is that Ms. Black recovered from her injuries and can now shake her money maker again. The bad news is that no more money bags will be appearing when someone tells her to shit or get off the pot, which is really sad, 'cause for an instant there Ms. Black coined a whole new way of "making a deposit".

A special thank you to my friend Claire for sending me this mad money story.

Story: Here

Monday, September 2, 2013