Saturday, August 31, 2013

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ode to Miley Cyrus

Girl, what happened to the Hannah Montana days of old?
Back then everything you touched turned to gold.
You sure were cute when you were a young tyke
Quite frankly your shaved head makes you look like a dyke.
Pity you fell victim to the Disney Disease
So many stars seem to do so with ease.
When your Daddy heals from his achy breaky heart
He needs to put his foot down and rip your butt apart.
Otherwise your life is goin' straight down the drain.
You already got one foot aboard the crazy train.
I will admit I'm envious of your tight toned ass.
But your VMA performance was totally crass!
Shakin' your thang and callin' it the twerk
Sure made you look like a stupid ass jerk.
Pressin' up against Beetlejuice who is twice your age
Lemme tell ya, your class ain't even on the same page.
Rubbin' that foam finger up and down your vajayjay
Made everyone think you were an easy lay.
But I got a feelin' deep down in my gut
That you want to be known as a skanky slut.
If that's the case I honestly feel sorry for you.
'Cause that's certainly not the best you can do.
So please stop tryin' so hard to reinvent yourself.
 Maybe just read a self improvement book off the shelf.
And what was up with that freaky tongue action you had goin' on?
Whew, if I didn't have bleach, my brain cells would now be long gone.
You really just left everybody shakin' their head.
I'm just glad I could turn you off and go to bed!
 
 


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

My friends Heather and Cameron both sent me this picture, knowing full well it captures the very essence of my jolly mood today. Ya see folks, today is the first day of school here in southeastern North Cackalacky and I have a LONG standing tradition of hosting a PAR-TAY for myself, by myself, on this historic day every year. It's not that I don't enjoy summah, or even havin' my kids home, it's just that I thrive on consistency and a schedule. When that big ol' yellow bus rolls through the neighborhood, the champagne will be popped and Debosas will be flowin' 'til that bus makes its afternoon stop. Of course the music will be blarin', and I'll strip down to my lacy undies and get my dance on for a few hours until my old haggered body gives out, or I pass out, whichevah comes first.

Last year, I told y'all the story of the time the "landscape specialist" surprised me at my door on the first day of school and I drunkenly mistook him for a stripper. You can read about that mishap here. Today I thought I would enlighten you with another comedic adventure that also happened on this annual soiree. My friend Glenn inspired me to tell on myself after he sent me a story of a chick who glued her butt cheeks together while tryin' to give herself a bikini wax. Although I can't make that claim to fame, I did have an interesting experience with one of those home waxing kits.

One year after the kids were safely on the bus and I had a few glasses of liquid courage, I thought it was a good idea to hot wax little Miss Susie Q by myself, 'cause frankly professional waxing was getting expensive, time consuming, and embarrassing. If ya can take matters into your own hands, why not give it a shot right? With drunken double vision I read the instructions, put the wax in the microwave and blindly hit some buttons. The jar didn't seem quite hot enough so I fired that bad boy up some more. AAAAHHHH, nice and HOT just like a steaming latte. So like any domestic diva, I propped my leg up on the bar stool in the kitchen and slathered that goopy wax all over my hoochie coochie. WHOA, somebody call 911 'cause we got ourselves a bush fire!!! Not having a fire extinguisher available, I knew I needed to wait for the wax to harden to get it off properly, meanwhile suffering what amounted to second degree burns where the sun don't shine.

I laid the strips on top and RRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPED. After the screams of horror subsided, I looked down through tear soaked eyes to see that hair wasn't the only thang that came off. A strip of skin was also missing. Sadly I was sober enough to realize I had to match up the other side because my lawn currently looked like the mower ran outta gas half way through the job.

Thinking the bathroom might offer better lighting, I moved the entire operation in there forgetting about the slick tile from my recent shower. Trying valiantly to hold on to the jar of wax, I made it almost all the way to the bathroom sink where it spilled down over the cabinet, seeping into the drawers, where most of the evidence of my experiment remains today almost 5 years later.

I learned two important lessons that day: 1. uneven hair patterns causes you to get frightened, confused and even disgusting looks in the gym locker room; and 2. laser hair removal is the best damn invention EVAH!!! Here's hoping the start of the 2013-2014 school year is much less eventful (lifts Debosa and takes a LONG sip).

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Score for the streaker at the Browns game!! Rumor has it he had a brown streak in his skivvies.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Post #400

Do you believe it folks? Willard Scott came to my door again and presented me with yet another Smucker's jar in celebration of my 400th blog post. Ya gotta love that guy! In appreciation to all of you for keepin' it real with me through the weird and wackiness, I thought I would treat y'all to some awesome pictures some of my faithful readers have sent me. Hope you enjoy!
We Americans supersize it baby!
Peek-a-boo!
Furry slippers would have been a much better choice of footwear.
Hey, I can still fit into my shorts from 40 pounds ago.
Oops, I do believe I sharted.
Always, always blame it on the dog!!
Guess they got tired of dirty money.
Awww, Mama gonna flat iron her baby girl's hair.
 
 
Thanks Mindy, Susan and Bill for sending me a plethora of blogworthy material. 


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Get the Skinny

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and if you are lookin' for a quick and easy fix to shed some extra weight, search no more 'cause I'm gonna give ya the skinny on a revolutionary new fat buster that's guaranteed to burn 27 el bees in one month. Dr. Oz, THE authority on all things from hair loss to heart surgery, has endorsed this amazing new product called Garcinia Cambogia, the holy grail in the battle of the bulge. This new pill made from a fruit grown in southern Asia allows you to lose weight while eatin' your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry's. No need to change your diet or even move your lazy ass.
 Who wouldn't believe this shiz? After all, Dr. Oz got his start on the Oprah show and she's literally one of his biggest supporters. The divine Ms. O has gotta be takin' this stuff by the handful 'cause just look at how svelte she is!!! She's wastin' away to nuthin' folks! And if you are seriously thinkin' about buyin' a bottle or three, I've got some prime waterfront property in Florida to sell ya real cheap!
In other wacky news this week everyone from Dr. Drew to body language experts are forming an opinion of whether Lindsay Lohan was telling the truth in her extensive sit down interview with Oprah recently. Among other things, Li Lo spoke about her addiction, recovery, time in the big house, and her spirituality. At one point Lindsay said, "I honestly have only done cocaine 10 or 15 times". If we're bein' honest here, 10 or 15 times in one night maybe. But all of this talk about whether or not this wild child can be reformed has really taken the focus away from the most pressing issue that was not addressed:
Giiiiirrrrrllllll, how many cc's of collagen are in those lips???????
 
 
Images via Google Images


Monday, August 19, 2013

Pee Pee with SheWee

Hey ladies look at what my friend Denise sent to me.
No more sitting on the toilet when ya gotta go pee.
Gone are the days of hovering over that nasty public crapper
Now ya just whip it out and whizzin' is a snapper.
 
Tinkle in the bushes, tee tee off a ship
Hit a moving target, shoot straight from the hip!
The possibilities are endless with this handy, dandy tool
Your friends will be so jealous you'll see them drool.
 
Girls, we ain't got penis envy no more
'Cause we can stand up and piss galore.
Now we are just like one of the guys
It looks like a working dick between our thighs!
 
Get yours now on Amazon for a mere $16.99.
Ya gotta admit that deal is mighty fine!
And it even comes in pretty petal pink
Wonder how long it takes til it starts to stink?
 
But please remember to still put the toilet seat down.
You don't want to be known as an inconsiderate clown.
Shake the tip and be on your way
I hope to see you at a urinal one fine day! 
 

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Kissing Bandit

Today's story comes from Venice, Florida where a modern day kissing bandit is on the loose. It seems Mr. Flash Gordon here likes to offer his victims money in exchange for the right to kiss their ass. Although the perp is described as a heavy set guy with moobs and a tat on his right bicep, I fail to understand why these ladies are viewing this as the kiss of death.  Hah, I would become the biggest ass-kisser in the world if I thought someone would actually pay me 200 smackeroos to plant their lips on my old, wrinkly bum. Oh and this note he gave one of his intended targets and her kissing cousin proves he's the real deal and that he ain't no flash in the pan:
Doesn't that note just give you folks flashbacks of your days in middle school? Sadly, the chicks gave the poor dude the big kiss off and the law dogs are still out lookin' for him. So I'm thinkin', given the current state of unemployment, this flasher could get some serious business if he set up a kissing booth and simply played some Juvenile "Back That Ass Up"! Now there is a win/win baby!!!


Story: Here

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Shock the Monkey

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Today's shocking development comes courtesy of my dear friend Mindy who truly knows the meaning of the phrase "good fences make good neighbors". The same can not be said of this poor fellow who didn't really try to hop the fence, but was rather shocked to find out that peeing on a 220 volt fence can be quite a shock to your system:
Shockingly, he survived, but Mr. Piss For Brains almost pissed his life away. Looking at this picture did spark an idea in my warped and wacky mind. Although I'm kinda on the fence about seeing the bright side of the situation here, I'm thinkin' all his partner needs is a bun and some sweet relish to make a damn good grilled hot dog! Pop open a Shock Top brewski and ya got yourself a mealo baby!!!!!!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Simon Says

Simon Cowell vacationing in Saint-Tropez with Andrew and Lauren Silverman in 2012.
 
Simon says I like to hang out with my friends and go on fancy schmancy vacays. Simon says it's great to have friends, friends with benefits. Simon says, actually old chap I fancy your wife, so I'm gonna take her for a spin while your fat arse sits in the back:
 Simon says two's company and three's a crowd:
Simon says thanks for making yourself scarce mate while I shag your wife:
Simon says, "Blow Me", I sort of forgot about the bloody birth control:
Now in 9 months Simon will say look at the chip off the ol' block:


Images via Google Images
 


Friday, August 9, 2013

Change of Heart

Times they are a changin' folks. ABC news editor Don Ennis lived as a woman named Dawn for 3 months, sporting a wig, skirts, and even a bra to support his hormone induced breasts. However, he now says that due to a two day bout of amnesia he's changing gears and it turns out he's just a boring straight guy after all. Guess it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind! Yeppers, Ennis accused his wife of playing a cruel joke on him by dressing him up in a wig and a bra and making a fake ID with the name "Dawn" on it. Geez, obviously his wife was not afraid of change. Perhaps she was able to actually change the channel on the remote by herself for those 3 months without her "husband" hoggin' it to himself. Maybe Dawn even helped her change the sheets. There are some advantages to livin' with a woman ya know!

Poor guy probably just got tired of carryin' around a change purse, 'cause let's face it, it's so much easier to just put your loose change in your pocket. Plus, wearin' heels is certainly a change of scenery to say the least. Just goes to prove a leopard doesn't change its spots!

So for any of you retro folks out there, a lesson learned here is "when it's time to change you got to rearrange, who you are into what you're gonna be":
 
 
Story: Here

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I See London, I See France, I See.....

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and today we are strippin' down to our undies for a post. The other day Twitter was abuzz about some old Ellle Macpherson lingerie ads from 2004 that resurfaced. Some critics called them "disturbing" saying these voyeuristic ads go against everything lingerie is about. Where I come from, sex sells baby!!!! Just take a look at Heff and Larry Flynt's net worth!!! Plus, ridin' on the coattails of the all the kinky S&M activities from those 50 Shades of Grey books that has women everywhere lookin' to spice thangs up is brilliant marketing.

Call me crazy, but a perv like me actually find the ads quite sexy. However, what I do find "disturbing" is Miley Cyrus posing in granny panties for Notion magazine. Good Gawd girl at least rock a thong!!!! And you wonder why Liam Hunksworth kicked ya to the curb if ya were sportin' those kill joys in the boudoir???
 
Of course I suppose nuthin' is more "disturbing" than the view my good friend enjoyed yesterday while tryin' to savor her footlong at Subway:
 

 

Stories: Here and Here

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'm a Nut (click, click)

I've been called so many names in my life that usually I just let them roll, 'cause if it's from people who don't even know me why should I even give a flyin' fig. However, when someone calls me somethin' that's true, like a "nut", I stand up and pay attention 'cause I know fo' sho I'm freakin' crazy as a loon. Turns out my hilarious blogging buddy Menopausal Mother bestowed upon me the squirrely blogger award for being nutty and quirky. All I have to do is give y'all 7-10 quirky facts about myself. Hold on folks, you are in for a wild ride:

1.  Speaking of squirrels, those pesky rodents with bushy tails get in my attic from time to time and I have been known to pack some heat and go on the hunt in my own house. I make a damn good squirrel pot pie so come on over sometime for dinnah. It tastes just like chicken!!!

2.  I'm a bit of a laundry Nazi and adhere to quite the strict schedule. Sunday is a load of colored wash, Monday off, Tuesday is the day for all of the sheets and towels in the house, Wednesday is back to another load of colors, Thursday off, Friday is a big day with a load of whites AND a load of colors, and Saturday rounds out the week with delicate wash. This includes thangs like thongs, nipple shields, banana hammocks and cleaning all the sex toys.

3.  Although I live in a beach community, I much prefer the mountains.

4.  Just like my squirrely friend Menopausal Mother I don't always flush the toilet after I tinkle, but for very different reasons than her. I started this habit when we lived in a cramped condo so small you would trip over yourself and I didn't want to wake up my sleeping child when my bladder woke me up in the middle of the night with the big WHOOOSH. For reasons unknown, I still feel as if it's a courtesy not to flush every night and wake up Uncle Jeffy even though he sleeps like the dead and snores like a banshee.

5.  I have seasonal obsessions with sweets. Starting in early September I go through more bags of candy corn than Carter has pills. (That was one of my Dad's favorite expressions) On November 1st I stop the candy corn cold turkey just like an addict, and I buy all kinds of Christmas candy that is wrapped in red and green foil. The favorites are Reeses peanut butter cups and peanut M&M's. Sometime after the first of the year those damn thin mints laced with crack will arrive, but I'm keepin' mum on how many boxes I actually eat in case my personal trainer reads this post. In years past I used to eat those malted milk Robin's eggs at Easter but I had to go to rehab. After bein' in there with the likes of Lindsay Lohan I'm stayin' clean!!!

6.  I always have been, and forever will be, a Disco luvin' Queen. "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, unh, get down tonight, UNH"!

7.  Try as I may, try as I might, I nevah did get the hang of "reverse mode" in a car. When I visit someone who has a driveway, I park at the very end and walk the rest of the way to their house. Sure spares many a mailbox, pets and even small children from debilitating injury should any of them have the unfortunate luck of bein' in my path on the way out.

8.  I'm amazed by zits and abscesses and watch countless YouTube videos of them POP POP POPPING. Told you I was a nut case!!!!

Now, for any of you blogging friends brave enough to reveal 7-10 quirky thangs about yourself, grab that award and have at it.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Still Goin' Strong!!!

27 YEARS AGO


Twenty seven years ago today, I married a West Virginia redneck with a porn star 'stash and a mullet, who drove an old beat up Cutlass named "the war pig", we lived in a trailer called "the crib", and we had 17 cents in our bank account. While we were short on cash, we were plenty in love. Through the years, mother nature took care of the mullet, the 'stash and war pig met their demise, some other piece of trailer trash bought the crib, and our bank account became more secure.
 
TODAY

 One thing never changed- we are still plenty in love. Happy Anniversary to my favorite redneck who is still making all of my dreams come true!!!!