Saturday, March 30, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Hey kid, lemme show ya some Easter candy I got in the back of my windowless van.
 
Dudes, slip me some leftover ham and no one gets hurt this Easter.
 
 
Images: Here
 


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Cuff Me Baby

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks where today I'm wonderin' if somehow those 50 Shades books have corrupted my already warped and wacky mind. Seriously, I don't mind sharin' with y'all that I'm mostly a vanilla sex kinda gal with a few added condiments every now and then just to spice thangs up. But I started questionin' myself when I lost my cellphone at the bottom of my monstrous purse the other day and had to go searchin' for it. Lookie what I found instead:

Yeppers, those would be handcuffs. What makes this so wacky? Because not only were they in my purse, but I realized I flew on at least 2 domestic flights since I remember putting them in there. That translates into 4 times my purse has gone through the security x-ray screening. Can you freakin' imagine what the TSA agents are sayin' about me???????? I need to get a fake ID before flyin' the friendly skies again. Perhaps in the name of Anastassia?

Monday, March 25, 2013

Dear Stephanie.....

So a couple of months ago I had to attend my annual continuing legal education weekend in Chapel Hill, NC in order to keep my law license active. Unless Uncle Jeffy throws my ass out, I don't ever intend to practice law again, but it's always a good idea to have a backup plan in case this bloggin' gig doesn't pan out right? Over 300 lawyers sittin' through 12 hours of lectures ain't my idea of fun, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Anyway, one of the classes was held in this packed auditorium where I sat next to a hippie dude who looked strikingly similar to the picture above. He was a young guy, friendly enough, but he was obviously as bored as I was. 

The seats were so close together that you could smell the person's breath beside you. The poor fella got the raw end of the deal 'cause I'm sure I didn't smell like no rose from the pesto I had for dinner the night before, and the alceehol fumes from a very late evening. Hippie dude just ate some peanuts and his Pepsi was making him burp. I don't find the smell of peanuts or Pepsi offensive, so I would just smile and nod when he would look over at me sheepishly and whisper, "excuse me".
After a few more belches, he got out a legal pad and started writing something purty intently. I knew he wasn't taking notes on the lecture because we were given plenty of written materials in a notebook. Being the nosey, totally bored neighbor that I was, I thought I would check out what had this hippie so entranced. Believe it or not, he was writing a "Dear John" letter, only it was addressed to Stephanie. Honestly, I didn't think people still wrote letters, especially someone as young as him. So you better believe I was ALL over this shizz like white on rice baby 'cause this was the best entertainment I was gonna get in this hell hole. Here are bits and pieces of the highlights that my roving eyes could see:

Dear Stephanie,
 
I've been thinking a lot about our last conversation...
I admire your kindness, genuine spirit, zest for life...
Let me propose a 3 month break...
Despite your flaws, I miss you greatly...
We really connect on a level like no other, no other person ever really got me, really got me you know...
You taught me the art of loving myself, and for that I will be eternally grateful...
When I think of you, I think of a beautiful bouquet of flowers that... (I missed the analogy because nature called from my rehydration efforts)
 
When that 60 minute class was over, I saw tears in the poor hippie's eyes so I knew his Dear Stephanie letter was painful for him. Sure wish I had a joint to offer him to ease his pain, but sadly I had to move along to my next class, and hippie dude got lost in the crowd. So as we are closing in on the 3 month break period, I was wondering if hippie dude and Stephanie found their way back to each other? Have any of you ever received a Dear John letter? Peace out!
 
 
Images via Google Images




Friday, March 22, 2013

Sweet Jesus

Jeez-A-Weez folks I gotta tell ya the naked truth about some highfalutin Jesus Freak in Decatur, Alabama who was in his birthday suit outside a local high school and said he was "high on Jesus" after he paraded himself in front of classroom windows, urinated on cars, drove his car in circles, and threw hubcaps. When a hail storm came through the area, the man raised his arms as if inviting lightening to strike him. However, the storm left him high and dry 'cause his nekkid ass is still here on earth. Talk about High Times at Ridgemont High!!! Don't ya know he scared the bejesus outta those poor high school students.
Perhaps Ronald Ray Fletcher thought he was auditioning for a part in the high school musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" and got high as a kite in order to get into character. In any event, authorities are investigating whether Mr. Fletcher needs mental health treatment or whether he just had a few too many high balls. The high point of this spiritual story is that no one was injured or threatened with violence. Plus, as we all know, Jesus Saves!!!

Story: Here

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Red Hot Ladies of the Evening

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, where today's story is both triumphant and sad. Triumphant in the sense that the two ladies you are going to hear about had such a long and highly successful career, but sad just the same 'cause it's time they turn off the red light and close their legs. As they say, "all good thangs but come to an end", and unfortunately for Amsterdam's two oldest prostitutes, it's time to stop bangin' it out.
Yes folks, Louise and Martine Fokkens, 70 year old twin sisters who have been turnin' tricks for over 50 years, and who have slept with over 355,000 men between them, have decided to retire. Louise stated that arthritis has made some sexual positions too painful. Come on girl, don't go celibate, get some Celebrex!!! I pity all the poor dudes who are missin' out on the amazing opportunity to fulfill their twin fantasy. Plus, there goes any hope of a two-fer deal.
Quite honestly I think women everywhere should spread their legs in appreciation and thank these gals for doin' the dirty work for all of us. Just think of all the nasty guys they satisfied so the rest of us didn't have to. Case in point, Martine admits that even though she is retiring she can't give up one elderly John who comes to her for his weekly S&M session. I'll help you blow out the candles on your penis shaped retirement cake for keepin' that gem Martine!!
And like all smart business women, they do have a decent retirement plan. These ladies of the evening were the subject of a documentary last year, and they just recently wrote a book about their sexual escapades. Hopefully the royalties from both of those ventures will keep them honest for awhile. However, if they need to supplement their income, they could use their best asset, which is now mighty pliable, to stash away all kinds of goodies in exchange for cold hard cash. Imagine the amount of bricks of cocaine they could smuggle in for the drug lords. Hell, illegal immigrants could even cross over the border inside those stretched out vajayjays, 'cause seriously, who is gonna stop and search two little ol' sweeties? So congrats to you Fokkens twins on a stellar career, and may your golden years be filled with as many ups, downs, backs, forths, ins, outs, and screamin' good times as were your workin' days.

Story: Here



Monday, March 18, 2013

Have a Knockout Monday!

Ah, Monday, Monday can be so blue sometimes hey? Well folks, if ya need a little laugh today watch this quick 30 second video of a street performer in Australia to see how he takes care of some pesky jerk who tries to steal his joy. Well done mate!!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

May the green beer you drink this weekend NEVAH cause you to make out with someone as fugly as Shane MacGowan.
I doubt it was too much corned beef and cabbage that rotted those teeth.
 
 
Image via Google Images
 
 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Deep Six Granny

Today's trash talk comes from Okolona, Kentucky where Ellen Nicole Crawley ("Nicki") hit her grandmother upside da head with a frying pan. When her grandmother started to get back up, she told her to can it, and choked her to death while she was still on the ground. At first Nicki wrapped up her grandma in a blanket and put her in the backseat of her car. But two days later Nicki showed granny  her own version of gettin' canned. That's right folks, Nicki put grandma's body in the circular file. How would you like to take out that trash?

Sure hope the trashy murderer is an eco-warrior and believes in recycling. Wonder which bin Granny's body fit into? That sure would be a surprise for anyone who decided to go dumpster divin' that night hey? Alas, the law dogs said no can do and arrested that can can girl on murder charges.

Of course that piece of trash did steal several items from her grandmother's home and sold some of her jewelry, so prosecutors are seeking the death penalty. At least Nicki is now in the slammer hangin' out with all the other pieces of garbage while she awaits trial. I bet she does a killer can can dance while she's on trash detail.

Story: Here

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Who Would Kick Out Sponge Bob?

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and ya know sometimes ya don't have to look any further than your own crazy life to find the wackiest stories. So this past weekend Ry Guy and I traveled to Raleigh, the big capital city of North Cackalacky, for a special celebration. My boy was a winnah of the State Young Author's Contest, which is a purty damn big deal, and his poem Gridirion Glory is now published in a book. If you want to read his entry, check it out Here.

Our Friday night plans included meeting our good friends Raven and Josh at Ry Guy's favorite Brazilian steak house to eat meat until the cows came home. Dinner was a huge success. Then we went back to our FAV Embassy Suites to get tucked in for the evening. Now I do love me an Embassy Suites because of the free cocktail hour and complimentary breakfast. This particular Embassy Suites is very sleek and modern and we have stayed there quite frequently. However, that does not diminish the fact that the clientele at breakfast still usually rolls straight outta bed to stand in line for their made to order omelet. The last time I stayed at this hotel there were people eating breakfast in all kinds of ratty sleepwear, so I figured when in Rome, do as the Romans do right?
 Uh, not so fast. When I handed my breakfast ticket to the nice attendant, she took one look at my Sponge Bob pajama pants and toasty toe slippers and said, "Ma'am you have to have shoes on to eat. What the hell????? The 11 month pregnant dude in front of me with his stained tank top straining to cover his belly button is allowed to eat a dozen free pastries but I'm denied entry??? Sponge Bob was clearly offended. Ry Guy was so completely embarrassed and kept saying, "Mom, I can't believe you got kicked out of breakfast. How did you manage to get kicked out of breakfast"? It really does take some special kind of talent I suppose. Seriously, I thought I was doin' everyone a favor by puttin' on a bra so my tits wouldn't get lost in that huge vat of oatmeal. Plus, my Sponge Bob PJ's are the only sleepwear I own without holes in the crotch. Clearly I was dressin' up for the occasion.

Sadly, I was forced to go back upstairs and put on the same clothes I wore the night before just to eat a 7 minute meal, while watchin' some 350 pounder with her ass crack hangin' out over her size too small "PINK" sleepwear from Victoria's Secret push and shove her way through the hot buffet line to snag all the bacon and sausage.


All's well that ends well though 'cause I can clean up purty good. We made it to the ceremony on time, and I got to see my boy walk across the stage and receive his medal and book. Sponge Bob woulda been proud.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

I'm worried about humanity when 4 people, plus the contestant, actually said the last answer.
 
 
Picture: Here

Friday, March 8, 2013

Jail Bait

Today I need to thank my Facebook friend Holli for givin' me the scoop on this kick ass story. I really hate to crack a joke about this situation, but some homeless butt head named David Olienyk, gives a twisted new meaning to the term jail bait. Ya see, at a Greyhound bus station in Dallas on Saturday, this asshole took his own bite out of crime by biting a 16 year old girl on the butt. Apparently he had been following her around for awhile and then decided to go ahead and bite the bullet. What an asinine thang to do hey? While the poor girl was screaming and crying, the ass wipe stood there laughing and said, "it was worth it". WHOA, now that's a biting comment. I imagine Mr. Olienyk is a butt man and he liked those tight, firm buns of steel on that pretty young thang. However, old and saggy, or young jail bait, it all tastes like ass.

Well, it didn't take investigators long to crack the case, and now the butt ugly dude is in the slammer on assault charges. What a shame he couldn't even crack a smile for his mug shot. Wonder if he will bring up the rear in the chow line and tell everyone to butt out when he rips into his rump roast? Rumor has it the other prisoners have already nicknamed him "rump"elstiltskin.

I imagine the girl's parents don't wanna turn the other cheek, but would prefer to open up a can of whoop ass on this guy and tell him to bite the big one. Although it's gonna be a pain in the ass for the girl to see this crack head in court again, I just hope she's not gonna be once bitten, twice shy.

Story: Here

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dream On

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and whether you believe this rumor or not, it's just too darn wacky not to blog about. Apparently Steven Tyler recently broke up with his lady love and decided to get "Back in the Saddle". So, last week he went a little "Crazy" and was spotted on a date with the "Legendary Child" of Dirty Harry,  Miss Francesa Eastwood. As we all know Steven likes "Livin' on the Edge", so I guess the fact that he's 64 and she's 19 is merely the "Same Old Song and Dance" for an aging rocker dating a young starlet.  Rumor has it they arrived at The Little Door restaurant in Los Angeles and asked the photographer to delete pictures of them together. Well Dang, what were they thinkin' 'cause "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"? That just leaves me "Cryin".
 
As they "Walk This Way" what could the blonde beauty possibly see in Mr. Tyler? Perhaps it's his "Rag Doll" appearance, his "Sweet Emotion" or his "Big Ten Inch (Record)"? One thing I know for certain is that "Helter Skelter" is gonna break out soon enough if Clint gets pissed 'cause Steven might just sing about "Janie's Got a Gun", but if Dirty Harry says "Go ahead son, make my day", he might wanna run for cover. So I say "Dream On'" girl while it lasts, 'cause my bet is your Daddy might pull up with his 45 magnum and ask Mr. Aerosmith one question, "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk"? And that my dear is gonna be the end of "What Could Have Been Love".
And no folks that is not a pic of the hot "Girls of Summer", but rather Steven on vacay in Hawaii. This just proves with his moobs "The Dude REALLY DOES Look Like a Lady"!!!

Story: Here