Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Live From New York, It's the Macy's Day Parade

Today I depart for the Big Apple to fulfill one of my lifelong goals: to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live and in person. I've wanted to go to the parade since I was a little kid, and what a more perfect time to do so than a couple of weeks before I turn the big 5-0. For the past 30 years or so I have had a ritual on Thanksgiving morning. As soon as the parade starts at 9am, I pop open the champagne, claim my spot in front of the TV, and write out my Christmas cards while watching all the balloons, bands, rockettes, and stars go by. Believe me, by the time I hit the middle of the alphabet in my address book, the words are a bit slurred on the envelope. Perhaps I should do mailing labels in the future, but that would ruin all my fun.

Anyhoo, this year my fat ass is gonna be on the streets of NYC at 6am among the masses just waitin' for the action to start. My luck I'll probably pass out or pee my pants from the excitement of it all. As this is the #1 item on my bucket list, after Thursday I can truly die a happy woman 'cause my life will be totally complete. How many people can say that?

I'll be back with y'all next week with pictures from my trip. If you happen to tune in to the parade, I'll be the unruly chick screamin' and shoutin' one block back from Times Square who is probably bein' tasered by the law dogs when the Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo balloons pass by.

P.S. If you are on my Christmas card list, your card is gonna be REAL late this year.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Nice Rack!

Ladies, ya gotta check out this new bra called the wine rack
You may not be well endowed, but in alcohol, you will never lack.
Fill 'er up with 25 ounces of your favorite libation
All day long you will feel like you are on vacation!
Selling on Amazon for only $29.95
This bra will surely make you feel alive!
Perfect to slip under your business suit to work
Especially when your boss is being a jerk.
All ya gotta do is reach inside and pull at your nip
Take out the tube and enjoy a good long sip.
Stuck at home all day with the kids screamin' and yelpin'?
I know a lotta Mamas this hidden gem is gonna be helpin'!
No need to pay those corkage fees next time you go out to dine
Hah, no one will even know you brought your own wine!
If hubby comes home pouting 'cause he had a bad day
Offer him a swig and watch his troubles magically go away.
Obviously this bra is a win/win
Not buying one today would be a sin.
Thank you to my friend Tina, with a nice big rack of her own, for sending me this blogworthy material!

Buy: Here

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Bathroom Humor

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and if you are in need of a little extra cash this holiday season here is a shitty job you can apply for. Michael Li, posted an ad on Craigslist saying he needs a partner and copywriter for his business ToiletFinder.com. All ya gotta do is be willing to give the straight poop on the conditions of some public restrooms. Gee whiz, sounds purty good to me, 'cause who ya gonna piss off in that job?
I shit you not, candidates just need to submit humorous reviews of public NY shithouses that are creative, helpful, and slightly disgusting. Anyone who makes him laugh gets 20 bucks, and the Whiz Kid gets the gig at 100 smackeroos a day to keep the reviews a comin' just like explosive diarrhea. Anyone with shit for brains should apply 'cause even if ya do a piss poor job, you can still call the place a dump and maybe earn a giggle from Mr. Li.

Even though it's a crap shoot whether or not you would actually get the job, why not take a whiz at it? So go on, quit stalling for time, shit or get off the pot!

Story: Here

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bad Reputation

Dang, Joan Jett was kicked off the South Dakota float in New York's iconic Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade due to her vegetarian lifestyle and because she has a Bad Reputation for being an outspoken PETA activist. Apparently, South Dakota is heavily reliant on agriculture and livestock production so Ms. Jett will switch to another float and focus on the entertainment value of the event. Ain't that a Cherry Bomb?

Since I will be attending the parade this year as the #1 item on my bucket list, I gotta tell ya Joan, I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL and I certainly do not Hate Myself For Loving You just 'cause you don't eat meat and I prefer a big, fat, greasy cheeseburger. Sometimes Love Hurts girl, but stay true to yourself and you can Love Me Two Times from some tree hugger float. See ya in the Big Apple!

Story: Here

Friday, November 15, 2013

Goin' for a Spin

Wow folks, today I got a story fer ya of a woman who seriously took her love to new heights and put a new spin on the concept of marriage. There's Linda Ducharme with her "husband" Bruce who just happens to be a dilapidated, unwanted ferris wheel. Even though Ms. Ducharme suffers from objective sexuality where she actually loves an inanimate object, her life has taken a new turn 'cause she's got a free ticket to ride baby! Bruce must be a helluva wheeler-dealer 'cause he stole his wife from previous romantic relationships with an airplane and a train. Guess that carnie took her for a ride she'll nevah forget!

Now doesn't this quote just make your head spin: "I love Bruce for who he is. He’s a skydiver, he’s made of fiberglass, he’s made of steel and aluminum. I love his mechanical aspects — I love the smell of the hydraulics and the oil that runs through him,” Ducharme said. Well, she certainly found her wheel of fortune!

For the sake of their marriage I just hope Linda takes Bruce to a spin doctor to get repaired so this couple can take turns gettin' stuck on top. Plus, I'm gonna send them a nice playlist for their upcoming 2 year anniversary which will include, Spinning Wheel, Slow Ride, Wheel in the Sky, This Wheel's on Fire, and of course the cult classic You Spin Me Round, which must have been their wedding song:

Thank you so much to my friend Rossie who knows a blogworthy story when he sees one!

Story: Here

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Rockin' in the USA

It's Wacky Wednesday time and did all of you Snakeskin Cowboys hear that Ted Nugent may run for President in 2016? No I don't have Cat Scratch Fever and this ain't no Journey to the Center of the Mind, but rather you may actually see Mr. Nugent Stormtroopin' through a city near you on his political campaign. You know Detroit is gonna be the Motor City Madhouse in support of their home town boy.
Although the Spirit of the Wild may become Paralyzed with sweaty Teddy's conservative views, one thang is for damn sure, the USA will no longer be a Free for All under his command. Hey Baby that will surely make some folks do the Wango Tango!

All I really care about though is seein' the commander in chief put Wang Dang Sweet Poontang in a Stranglehold baby 'cause remember If you can't lick 'em... Lick 'em!!!!!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Friday, November 8, 2013

Let 'Er Rip

How long did it take you to break the barrier?
Thank you Erin for the laugh of the week.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Joke Is On Us

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this story. Do y'all remember Patricia Krentcil, better known as the "tanning mom" who was accused of taking her young daughter into a tanning bed with her? Well, after posing nude, doing a rap video, and starring in a gay porn flick, last month she booked her first stand up comedy gig at The Parlor in Hollyweird. Dang, her career has certainly picked up. She's really cookin' now!
I wish I could just laugh this off, but The Parlor is a purty well respected place, and since this chick was the butt of so many jokes in the past, clearly the joke is on all of us. Of course since Michael Lohan was there to either laugh with her, or at her, perhaps I should retract my statement that the joint is a well respected place.

But this is no laughing matter; tanning mom has filed for divorce, a mere 3 weeks after she joked in her comedy routine about her husband's small penis and their terrible sex life. So just in case Mrs. Krentcil needs another joke for her act I wrote one for her:

What am I going to do if my pencil dick husband doesn't give me spousal and child support like I demanded? Tan his hide!
Story: Here

Monday, November 4, 2013

A Thank You for a Thank You

Technically I suppose I should ask Miss Manners this question, but I thought I would throw it out there to all of my readers to get a real global perspective to this quandary. Question: when someone does a nice gesture and the recipient says thank you, is the original person obligated to send a note or do something in return as a thank you for the thank you?

I realize that sounds confusing, so let me give you two real life examples that happened very recently to illustrate. Uncle Jeffy was just doing his job like he does every day. He received a nice thank you card and gift certificate from a patient who was very appreciative of his work. Inside the card was included 2 stamps and a separate piece of paper which listed the patient's address. We assumed this meant he was supposed to send back a thank you card for receiving the thank you card and gift certificate. We might be rednecks, but we ain't stoopit. So, Uncle Jeffy got a thank you card outta the drawer, wrote a thank you for the thank you, used the patient's stamps, and promptly sent it.

Another case in point was on my child's football team this year. The team Mom asked for donations from all the parents to buy the coaches' gift certificates as a thank you for all of their hard work. The day we were to present the gift certificates, another Mom sent out a group email saying she bought the team Mom a bottle of wine and a gift certificate as a thank you (which was also a hint for cash contributions). Here again, a thank you for a thank you. Some parents even went so far as to thank that Mom for her gesture. That actually makes it a thank you for the thank you for the thank you.

HOT DAMN, when does it end folks????? Whatever happened to a simple thank you, you're welcome kinda deal? Lemme hear from ya, 'cause I bettah get a move on if I gotta hunt down the names and address of all of them trick or treaters and send them a thank you card for them saying thank you to me for handin' out kick ass Halloween candy.

Saturday, November 2, 2013