Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Bridge the Gap

Today I'm honored to be the featured writer over at the delightful and truly hilarious Menopausal Mama as part of her Wacky Wednesday Writers Series. I only hope I can do her proud with my story of a lady who gave a whole new meaning to the term "booby trapped". Click Here to find out.

Thanks so much to my blogging buddy Robyn for sending me this blog worthy story!
Original Story: Here

Monday, October 28, 2013

Let Me Spell It Out Fer Ya

Folks, if ya wanna donate some money to a real charity case, ya gotta run out to your nearest book store and buy Tori Spelling's memoir "Spelling It Like It Is" where she opens up about her recent financial problems after growing up as the spoiled rich kid of extravagant TV mogul Aaron Spelling. Granted, I ain't gonna waste Uncle Jeffy's hard earned cash on this tell all, 'cause after readin' the recap in People magazine I was cryin' so damn hard I just knew I couldn't make it through that entire tear jerker without wantin' to clear out our bank accounts and send Tori our every last penny.

The poor girl has had to sell her 6,700 square foot mansion in Encino, CA and rent a more "modest"  home in the San Fernando Valley, she hasn't bought a Prada purse in 3 looooong years, and dare I even say it, but her kids are even wearin' each other's designer hand me downs. Oh the horror!!!!!

They are even watchin' their medical expenses like every budget conscious couple should. Considering Tori and her husband Dean McDermott have 4 kids less than 6 years old that sounds all well and good right? But wait, Tori had placenta previa with her last pregnancy and spent 55 days in the hospital and nearly died. Yet, their business manager advised the couple that Dean should not get the vasectomy he wanted because they could not afford it. Uh, yeah!!!!

Well Ms. Spelling, math might not be your strong suit so let me spell it out fer ya in words ya might understand: your manager sucks. The average cost of a vasectomy is about 1,000 bucks. If Dean can't keep his hands off your hot, sexy bod and you get preggers again, the average cost of pregnancy and newborn care for a vaginal delivery is $30,000 and for a C-section it's $50,000 smackaroos. Raisin' another young'un for a middle income family is $241,000. Of course you have no concept of middle income so the cost of raisin' your prince or princess probably costs you that much per month. If you have medical complications again, it could be catastrophic. So, unless you wanna risk slummin' it in some beach shack in Malibu and resortin' to shoppin' at stores like Target, I'm gonna "Spell It Like It Is": ya might wanna fire your business manager and make that appointment for the big V ASAP! Hell, you can even buy an amazing Prada purse and be ahead of the game girl!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

My friend Desiree sent me this joke 'cause she knows I'm a die hard West by God Virginia fan. Truer words have never been spoken:

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Dakota He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from WEST VIRGINIA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Shreddies, The New Teddies

Are you tired of your obnoxious farts?
'Cause they smell like rotten apple tarts.
Then try these revolutionary new underwear
When you have stinky gas, no one will stare.
Shreddies boast a material used in chemical warfare
Back your ass up and let one rip if you dare.
Made for men and women too
You know what you must do
Buy a few pairs to have on hand
When you chow down on somethin' not so bland.
These are essential under your jeans
For those unfortunate times when you eat beans.
And check out those super sexy styles
Whoo Wee, that should keep ya pumped up for miles.
Plus a hot model sniffin' your sweet ass
My, my, my what a lucky young lass.
So go buy your Shreddies today
Have them shipped without delay.
Your partner will thank you from the bottom of their heart
Now go on and have yourself a big ol' fart!
Thank you Rossie for the awesome blog material!
Story: Here

Monday, October 21, 2013

A Spooktacular Adventure

Well folks, I've got some good news and bad news for ya. The bad news is that the Naked and Scared haunted house tour in Sinking Spring, PA has been cancelled. Due to all of the national and international exposure, officials in the small town asked the owner to reevaluate his "Shocktoberfest" where participants took a nekkid walk through of a haunted house. I say BOO on that! Imagine getting the shock of your life when you saw the other patrons in line 'cause ya just know very few of 'em are gonna be lookin' as bootiful as those two in the photo. Now I ain't no scaredy cat, but seein' some of them WalMart types in their birthday suits would scare the pants off me fo' sho!!! That would have been spooktacular!!!

However, the good news is that a "prude option" will be available this year allowing adults to take the tour in their underwear. So, if you are in the area, break out those tighty whities and grannie panties and have yourself a frightfully ghoulish time!

Story: Here

Friday, October 18, 2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Trick or Treat

It's Wacky Wednesday time folks and Monday's post inspired me to search Google Images for some creative Halloween costumes. Do you know what you are wearing yet? I'm sure these spirited trick or treaters had original names for their costumes, but I hope you enjoy my commentary:
Dudes, Crackle needs to go in the middle.  
I'm a little wine box short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout.
Just a guy tryin' everything to get to second base.
Looks like Papa Bear wasn't too hot, too big, or too hard after all.

Somebody is not a natural blond.
Those double O's look more like double D's.
Images via Google Images



Monday, October 14, 2013

Monday Funday

Who Let The Dogs Out?
Thank you Mindy for the creative Halloween costume idea!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
"The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Thanks Bill for the awesome joke!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Screw You Who?

In case you haven't heard folks, Kris and Bruce Jenner have announced their separation, and in typical Kardashian style it is big ass news. First, there's that little hiccup of a no prenup with a mere $125 million fortune at stake. Gulp! Considering Bruce hasn't really done shit since the marriage, and Kris is the multimillion dollar Momager of the Kardashian Klan, Kris might be gettin' screwed in that alimony deal.
Then there's the recent F bomb rant Bruce went on recently shouting F you, F this, F that, and flippin' off paparazzi at a driving range with his daughters 'cause he wasn't in the mood to be talkin' to nobody about his personal business. Classy, real classy!
Now I certainly don't know who is gettin' screwed worse in this separation deal, but one thang is for damn sure. When you have Kardashian money, and you are a manly stud before, but look like a dyke post face lift, you Bruce are fucked!!!!

Story: Here

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Stars and Stripes and Boobs Forever

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Although the United States government may be shut down, there ain't no reason why we shouldn't wave the flag with patriotic pride. Hell why not just wave those stars and stripes and strip down to some red, white and blue pasties and a red thong at the President's Cup? Check out this streaker who did just that.
Although she was at the President's Cup, poor girl probably can't even fill an A cup. Hey, at least she knows the true meaning of the presidential medal of freedom 'cause that's gotta feel good to let it all hang out. My guess is that with her personality she's seen more than her fair share of wood off the golf course and perhaps experienced quite a few holes in one.

As Fred Couples looks on with a big ol' grin, he's probably secretly glad he's single. And, notice she takes off straight for the Woods, but shockingly, Tiger is no where to be found. Now I don't know how many ex-presidents were in attendance that day, but I did notice that thankfully there was no Bush!!!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Dirty Laundry

Dang, I realize I don't know shit about no Ivy League education, but check out this nincompoop who showed up in my news feed. Today I'm gonna give you folks the straight poop about some shithead at Yale who is using one of the laundry rooms on campus as his own personal outhouse. I can give ya a laundry list of reasons why this is not cool, but suffice it to say, that dropping a deuce on other people's laundry and then hanging it on a clothing line is a really shitty thang to do. The place looks like a dump huh?

Yale students are calling the offender the poopetrator and are keeping watch over their laundry to make sure the poop head does not soil their garments. The poor kids are staying up late at night and are too pooped to study. Just for shits and giggles, I would like to see him get caught, and be made to wear that dirty laundry to class for an entire week. One thang is for damn sure, the poopetrator may be at Yale, but he's got shit for brains.

Story: Here

Friday, October 4, 2013

Bitches Take Your Corner

In case ya haven't been following the highly entertaining, and downright laughable feud between Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes, I will give ya the short version to bring ya up to speed. So Glanville, on the left, was married to Eddie Cibrian and they had two children together. Eddie hooked up with LeAnn on a movie set. Both LeAnn and Eddie were married at the time, had the hots for each other, divorced their respective spouses in a highly publicized and nasty fall out, and are now married to each other. Since LeAnn snagged her man you would think she's got her happily ever after. But NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! These two chicks are still slingin' mud on every magazine cover, talk shower, twitter, etc.

Last Friday Brandi goes on Bethenny Frankel's new talk show and tells her that seeing her sons on social media interact with LeAnn "is the worst pain you could ever imagine". First of all, the boys are 9 and 5 and should not even have access to Twitter or Facebook. And, call me crazy, but stop following your ex and his new wife on social media so you don't expose yourself to that kind of nonsense.

Then instead of just ignoring Brandi, mature LeAnn takes to Twitter in a series of attention seeking rants last weekend saying Brandi is lying, Brandi has it bassakwards, Eddie is her soul mate, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Folks, this kind of middle school behavior has been goin' on for several years, with each chick having amassed thousands of followers and supporters.

I say they settle this thang once and for all in a knock out, drag out, hair extension pullin' fight in Vegas. Put each bitch in a corner of a jello pit wearin' their skimpiest bikini and let 'em slip and slide for their beloved Eddie. The odds makers will eat this shit up and the networks will be in an all out bidding war to win the rights for this once in a lifetime opportunity. Personally I'm puttin' my money on LeAnn 'cause she can hide lethal weapons in those nostrils baby.

Story: Here

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Poo Poo on You

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Today is weird and wacky mostly 'cause this actually happened to me. My friend Sarah sent me the following video and suggested I blog about this product called Poopourri spray, which is designed to take the shitty smell outta the bathroom when you poop. Sadly, several years ago some shithead actually gave me this handy dandy spray as a hostess gift. NO SHIT folks, as a hostess gift!!!! First of all, it's not like I ever shit a brick anywhere near this person, so how do they know whether my stench can clear a room in 10 seconds flat? And I'm here to tell ya, the crap doesn't even work. A lit match thrown in the John is still the cheapest and most effective method I've found. That's called tight, light and flight. (pinch a loaf tight, light a match, and take flight)

However, if ya wanna laugh your ass off today, take a gander, but I suggest if ya wanna be invited back to someone's house, don't take them Poopourri spray as a hostess gift: