Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
Last year, I told y'all the story of the time the "landscape specialist" surprised me at my door on the first day of school and I drunkenly mistook him for a stripper. You can read about that mishap here. Today I thought I would enlighten you with another comedic adventure that also happened on this annual soiree. My friend Glenn inspired me to tell on myself after he sent me a story of a chick who glued her butt cheeks together while tryin' to give herself a bikini wax. Although I can't make that claim to fame, I did have an interesting experience with one of those home waxing kits.
One year after the kids were safely on the bus and I had a few glasses of liquid courage, I thought it was a good idea to hot wax little Miss Susie Q by myself, 'cause frankly professional waxing was getting expensive, time consuming, and embarrassing. If ya can take matters into your own hands, why not give it a shot right? With drunken double vision I read the instructions, put the wax in the microwave and blindly hit some buttons. The jar didn't seem quite hot enough so I fired that bad boy up some more. AAAAHHHH, nice and HOT just like a steaming latte. So like any domestic diva, I propped my leg up on the bar stool in the kitchen and slathered that goopy wax all over my hoochie coochie. WHOA, somebody call 911 'cause we got ourselves a bush fire!!! Not having a fire extinguisher available, I knew I needed to wait for the wax to harden to get it off properly, meanwhile suffering what amounted to second degree burns where the sun don't shine.
I laid the strips on top and RRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPED. After the screams of horror subsided, I looked down through tear soaked eyes to see that hair wasn't the only thang that came off. A strip of skin was also missing. Sadly I was sober enough to realize I had to match up the other side because my lawn currently looked like the mower ran outta gas half way through the job.
Thinking the bathroom might offer better lighting, I moved the entire operation in there forgetting about the slick tile from my recent shower. Trying valiantly to hold on to the jar of wax, I made it almost all the way to the bathroom sink where it spilled down over the cabinet, seeping into the drawers, where most of the evidence of my experiment remains today almost 5 years later.
I learned two important lessons that day: 1. uneven hair patterns causes you to get frightened, confused and even disgusting looks in the gym locker room; and 2. laser hair removal is the best damn invention EVAH!!! Here's hoping the start of the 2013-2014 school year is much less eventful (lifts Debosa and takes a LONG sip).