Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

My friends Heather and Cameron both sent me this picture, knowing full well it captures the very essence of my jolly mood today. Ya see folks, today is the first day of school here in southeastern North Cackalacky and I have a LONG standing tradition of hosting a PAR-TAY for myself, by myself, on this historic day every year. It's not that I don't enjoy summah, or even havin' my kids home, it's just that I thrive on consistency and a schedule. When that big ol' yellow bus rolls through the neighborhood, the champagne will be popped and Debosas will be flowin' 'til that bus makes its afternoon stop. Of course the music will be blarin', and I'll strip down to my lacy undies and get my dance on for a few hours until my old haggered body gives out, or I pass out, whichevah comes first.

Last year, I told y'all the story of the time the "landscape specialist" surprised me at my door on the first day of school and I drunkenly mistook him for a stripper. You can read about that mishap here. Today I thought I would enlighten you with another comedic adventure that also happened on this annual soiree. My friend Glenn inspired me to tell on myself after he sent me a story of a chick who glued her butt cheeks together while tryin' to give herself a bikini wax. Although I can't make that claim to fame, I did have an interesting experience with one of those home waxing kits.

One year after the kids were safely on the bus and I had a few glasses of liquid courage, I thought it was a good idea to hot wax little Miss Susie Q by myself, 'cause frankly professional waxing was getting expensive, time consuming, and embarrassing. If ya can take matters into your own hands, why not give it a shot right? With drunken double vision I read the instructions, put the wax in the microwave and blindly hit some buttons. The jar didn't seem quite hot enough so I fired that bad boy up some more. AAAAHHHH, nice and HOT just like a steaming latte. So like any domestic diva, I propped my leg up on the bar stool in the kitchen and slathered that goopy wax all over my hoochie coochie. WHOA, somebody call 911 'cause we got ourselves a bush fire!!! Not having a fire extinguisher available, I knew I needed to wait for the wax to harden to get it off properly, meanwhile suffering what amounted to second degree burns where the sun don't shine.

I laid the strips on top and RRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPED. After the screams of horror subsided, I looked down through tear soaked eyes to see that hair wasn't the only thang that came off. A strip of skin was also missing. Sadly I was sober enough to realize I had to match up the other side because my lawn currently looked like the mower ran outta gas half way through the job.

Thinking the bathroom might offer better lighting, I moved the entire operation in there forgetting about the slick tile from my recent shower. Trying valiantly to hold on to the jar of wax, I made it almost all the way to the bathroom sink where it spilled down over the cabinet, seeping into the drawers, where most of the evidence of my experiment remains today almost 5 years later.

I learned two important lessons that day: 1. uneven hair patterns causes you to get frightened, confused and even disgusting looks in the gym locker room; and 2. laser hair removal is the best damn invention EVAH!!! Here's hoping the start of the 2013-2014 school year is much less eventful (lifts Debosa and takes a LONG sip).

25 comments:

  1. OUCH! I was reading this and feeling the pain. Anyone who has ever waxed will sympathize!

    Yes, it's that time of year when the kiddies go back to school! How do I feel about it? Can you say ecstatic? I am also a person who thrives on routine, so I welcome the return of school with open arms.

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  2. vaxed drawers and cabinets? At least you removed all hair from them...

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  3. Woo Wee, you sounds likes my kinda ho, gits yo drunk ons erly and skrip down to yo g skrang, I knowed they wuz a reason I likted white womans. Nex times yu waxes that cat, let a nigga know and I come plays on that thang like a slip an slide!

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  4. The very thought of doing my own waxing makes my stomach churn. Some things are just better left to the professionals. I agree that laser treatments are the best invention EVAH. That is profound wisdom.

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  5. School started last week over here in western SC

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  6. Ouch indeed, walking billboard of why not to drink and wax hahaha

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  7. Yes good advice to have a Pro do it BUT i've had a salon rep my skin off too and made me bleed. That sucked so bad!
    Cheers to your kiddos being back in school and let the routines begin. :)

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  8. This is why I am thankful to be a man Deb lol.

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  9. Being a rather hirsute individual, I cannot even contemplate what you're talking about.

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  10. The things women will do for fashion. I think a little body hair on women is sexy.

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  11. Well, thank goodness you didn't go Brazilian.

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    Replies
    1. Gotta love spam and the command of the English language!

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  13. hmmmm, ...before I comment: Who is this guy above? seriously now they can't just spam our emails, they have to spam our comments? seriously?

    Deb, So glad your kids are out of the house and ...your story was hilarious, especially when you thought you needed to make it hotter via the microwave again. My niece is a esthetician and has done my eyebrows before and that wax was barely hot. Oh your poor "hoochie coochie".

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  14. WOW!!! If I had a 'Debosa,' I would surely lift it...

    So enjoyed, although, so sorry for your 'pain.'

    Have a great day, Slu

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  15. Ouch. My lady parts are cringing for you.

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  16. You'll like this tidbit: my daughter started school on the 27th and she has a day off already (30th) due to an all day teacher's workshop.

    And even my personal parts were cringing at what you did.

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