Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Wacky Round-Up

It's Wacky Wednesday time and today is a collection of material from news stories, perusing the web, and one of my own true stories thrown in for good measure. A collection of wacky shorts if you will.
First we have the husband and wife team Teresa and Joe Giudice of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" facing up to 30 years in the slammer after being charged with 39 counts of fraud. They are accused of grossly exaggerating their income while applying for loans before they were on the boob tube, and for submitting bogus mortgage and loan applications from 2001-2008. The couple filed for bankruptcy, but are famous for living an extravagant lifestyle. Great news for them is all Joe has to do is get involved with the right people, knock someone off, and Teresa stands a damn good shot of gettin' a starring role on "Mob Wives". Their financial worries could be over as quick as that stiff would sink to the bottom of the Hudson with cinder blocks strapped to its ankles.
I sent my kid to the grocery store. On the list was Diet Club Soda. Since he couldn't find it, Mr. Smarty Pants decided this was the next best thang.
There's 23 year old Taylor Swift AND 23 year old Sydney Leathers, better known as Anthony Weiner's sexting paramour, both sporting the new fashion in bikini wear. Honestly, I doubt even a wiener like Weiner would find those granny panties sexay. Since I'm still in the market for a new bathing suit this season, I decided to go with the new sharkini, guaranteed to be a jaw dropper:
And just in case any of you have evah looked in the mirror and were shocked at the reflection starin' back, here's a few gems to make ya feel a whole lot bettah:
Nick Nolte definitely looks like he went from "Rich Man Poor Man".
Eddie Van Halen has obviously been "Runnin' With The Devil".
I think we can all agree that Jack would say this is "As Good As It Gets".

News: Here
Thanks to my amazing friend Mindy for providing me with such great material for Wacky Wednesday!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Walk of Shame

This past weekend Uncle Jeffy and I spent a night at a bed and breakfast in the gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains of North Cackalacky. We are frequent fliers at this establishment and have been staying here for the past several years the night before we have to pick up our 13 year old from sleep away camp. The day started with a hike at Stone Mountain. Lemme tell ya, do not EVAH choose a chili cheeseburger with slaw as your pre-hike meal, 'cause it will do thangs to your digestive system that are truly shocking!
However, I did survive the torturous trail, although I can't say the same for some wildlife along the way who sadly fell victim to that chili. Thankfully the only lingering side effect on me from the hike is sore calves from the steep climb.
Anywhoo, we went back to our lovely B&B for a much needed shower and settled in for the night. Now if you've ever been to a cozy B&B you know thangs are a bit intimate, the walls can be thin, and ya purty much hear what your fellow neighbors are doin' if ya get my drift. Well folks, noises were comin' from this one particular room which were unmistakable. The bed was creakin' in a familiar rhythm, the headboard was bangin' at precise moments, muffled moans of pleasure were interspersed between commercial breaks, and I think I may have even heard the Lord's name taken in vain a time or two.

The next morning at breakfast was awkward to say the least, as the 6 couples are tryin' to figure out who dunnit. Everybody was makin' small talk, but in our minds we were all playin' our own game of Clue, like was it Colonial Mustard in the library with the candlestick? Was it the quiet unassuming couple who looked shyly at each other while they passed the cinnamon buns? Mama always said to watch out for those quiet ones! Or could it have been the talkative Australian couple making their way from Florida to DC to visit their daughter? Hhhhmm, sure would be a satisfying drive for those mates. The elderly couple celebrating their 50th anniversary was a long shot 'cause I don't know if there's enough Viagra in this world to get the rust outta those old pipes. Perhaps it was the blow hard and his snooty wife who seriously needed to get laid? That would be a victory cry indeed! Maybe it was the nice middle aged couple who just needed a break from their teenagers for the weekend? Lord knows their young'uns were probably doin' the same thang wherever they were.

All I know is, after breakfast I packed my suitcase and took the walk of shame out to my car. My calves were not my only body part feelin' the effects from the day before. Hah, if I was a smoker I would have lit one up baby!!!

Friday, July 26, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

"Understanding Women" now available in paperback. "The Puberty Years" expected release date 2026.
Thank you to my awesome friend Erin for sharing!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Royal Buzz

 Raise your tea cup folks and bite into that scrumptious crumpet to toast the news heard all around the world. THE ROYAL BABY HAS ARRIVED! On Monday, July 22nd Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed a healthy baby boy. As of press time no name has been announced from the Palace, but the new Royal shall carry the title of his Royal Highness Prince (name) of Cambridge. This got me thinkin' that here in the good ol' USA we don't have the same pomp and circumstance surrounding our Royals like they do in other countries. Kinda makes ya get a stiff upper lip. Sure we got Queen Latifah:
And we got Prince:
But sadly the true Royalty got caught up in fame and fortune and succumbed to untimely deaths:
Now all we got left is a Royal Pain in the Ass:

Images via Google Images

Thank you Hot Tamale for getting me through my writer's block today. Mmmmwwwaahhh!!!!


Monday, July 22, 2013

Pooped Out!

Holy shit folks, today I'm givin' ya the straight poop on a female jogger who backs herself up against a wall, drops trow and gives a whole new meaning to the term "outhouse" by takin' a dump right there on the side of a man's house. She certainly doesn't give a shit about modesty. Guess the poor girl gets the runs when she runs. I'm not shitting you folks, this chick may be built like a brick shit house but she's got shit for brains. The security cameras have caught her on numerous occasions as she literally runs to the bathroom. She pulls down her jogging shorts, drops a deuce, does not wipe, and with no way to even give a courtesy flush she's back on her jogging trail in no time flat.

Now I know we all enjoy our morning constitutional, and some of us may not have the luxury of bein' in the privacy of our own chambers when the mood strikes, but, ya gotta admit, this is a purty shitty thang to do to another human being's personal property. Since the man who owns the house does not know the identity of this mystery woman, let's just hope the video jogs her memory of that old saying, "do unto others as you would have done to you". Maybe then she will come clean, or at least clean out the skid marks in her shorts.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Date Night!
Thanks again Denise for providing more blog worthy material!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Hooked on Phonics

WHOA, I guess journalism ain't what it used to be folks. My old friend Bill sent me the link to this video of when a TV reporter from KTVU announced live that they had just learned the names of the 4 pilots on board Asiana flight 214 when it crashed in San Francisco. The news anchor read them while the teleprompter prominently displayed the 4 names, which were clearly fakes.  Obviously the newscaster and the journalism team needed a refresher course in phonics before they evah should have allowed this story to air. The names were: Captain Sum Ting Wong; Wi Tu Lo; Ho Lee Fuk; and Bang Ding Ow. Check out the video and the corresponding apology once Da Stu Pid Arses figured out their error for relying on a summer intern at the National Transportation Safety Board without confirming the information.

Mor Ul Of Sto Ray: Ho Lee Crap Ubee Dumee 4 Bee Lee Vin That Sheetz. U Go 2 Chi Neeze West Want An Prac Twist Ur Eng Wish.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Snake Charmer

It's Wacky Wednesday time and I gotta thank my potty mouth WVU friend Joe for postin' this gem on his FaceBook page last night. So in Israel a two eyed snake bit a 35 year old man's one eyed snake while he was draining the main vein. Whew, the dude must have thought he was takin' a leak in a snake pit. Since the man was Jewish, rumor has it the snake wanted a bite of a kosher hotdog. That's my attempt at some bathroom humor folks.
Seriously, the guy must have been pissed off not only for getting bit, but doctors say he will have permanent bite marks. That poor whiz kid is gonna be rollin' snake eyes for the rest of his life. Hopefully his significant other has a sense of humor and they can at least do the Tube Snake Boogie together. And, I sure hope that reptile is now made into a nice snake skin belt so when he hollers "shit or get off the pot", it will be a reminder that he damn sure means every single word!

Story: Here

Monday, July 15, 2013

Gay or Gourmet?

So on Thursday I had a lunch date with my good friend Vanessa. After a 20 minute wait listenin' to a group of about 35 women meet, greet and be merry I started gettin' concerned I was bein' stood up. Turns out my concerns were valid 'cause Vanessa forgot all about little ol' me. Not to worry, I'm no stranger to dining alone. So, I grab my vino and head to the bar to enjoy my lunch 'cause quite frankly the dining room was gettin' a bit too crowded for my likin'.

Now at noon on a Thursday you can imagine the kind of dudes who are gonna hit on a woman sitting alone at a bar. Let's just say they are not the cream of the crop. Seriously, I had one overweight, zit infested guy ask me if my tan was real or whether I would allow someone to spray tan me. Wink, Wink. Uh Yea, bartender may I please have another????????

However, after that went nowhere fast, two handsome gentlemen sat down next to me and started chattin' me up even before their asses hit the chair. If you know me at all, you KNOW I can talk. As one ex-suitor so famously said, "It takes a helluva guy to handle you Deb". One of his complaints was that he didn't have sound proof ear plugs. Anywho, these dudes put me to shame. The thang is I still can't figure out if they were gay or gourmet. I'm gonna combine the guys' comments into one conversation line 'cause they were comin' fast and furious.

Guys: Oh, what a healthy salad. Good for you. And those heirloom tomatoes. They are so lovely this time of year? Your salmon looks a bit overdone. Would you like me to get the waitress for you? I'm sure she can put another order in and it will be out shortly. Shame it appears a bit charred on the edges.

Me: Actually I like my salmon like this and yes the tomatoes are (interrupted)

Guys: Oh please excuse me I didn't mean to offend you about the salmon. Some people do like their fish a bit on the well done side.  Your wine looks so refreshing. Is that a sauvignon blanc because it's much too light in color to be a chardonnay.

Me: I'm not a chardonnay girl, it's a pinot (interrupted)

Guys: Ah yes, a pinot grigio is perfect on this hot summer day. What is your favorite label? Do you prefer old world or new world wines? I like Bordeaux blends but lately have been enjoying some Malbecs. I know they aren't preferable in this heat so sometimes I will open a bottle of rose and sip it on the porch.

Me: In the winter I'm a huge California Cab blend drinker and I love me a (interrupted)

Guys: Oh, have you been to the wine country? Stunning, simply stunning! You can just drive down a beautiful winding road and find a small family owned winery with the most amazing wine.......

Yeppers, you get the idea where this one-sided conversation is going. They either talked about food, wine, or places that revolved around food and wine. I barely got a word in and I'm used to dominating the conversation. So much so that some folks want to put a muzzle on me.  I finished my healthy salad topped with my well done salmon and enjoyed every delicious drop of my pinot grigio. As I was paying the bill, my new friends were served dessert and asked for an extra spoon so I could join them. I politely declined, but I'm still trying to figure them out. Gay or Gourmet? What are your thoughts?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Friday, July 12, 2013

Ode to Randy Travis

Born and raised in the Tar Heel State
Bein' a country star was Randy Travis' fate.
But first he spent some time in juvie
His early years sure were a doozie.
But a talent sure was he
Randy played that guitar with glee.
He started makin' records and movin' up the chart
A manager named Lib gave him a jump start.
Turns out he married that cougar one fine day.
But he kicked her to the curb when she turned old and gray.
It was a wild ride on the way to the top.
The hits kept comin' and never seemed to stop.
 Then in the 90's I'll be damn
Everythin' dried up like a nasty old clam.
He tried some gospel and an acting gig or two
Sadly his life turned to a pile of poo.
Found nekkid and drunk after wreckin' his Trans Am
Threatenin' the lives of the law dogs ain't too glam.
Demandin' cigs in a store with no clothes on
He must have regretted that at the crack of dawn.
Randy's life is now critical after a stroke from an infection to the heart
His legacy may go down like a rank, stinky, old fart.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Things That Make You Go Hhhhmmm

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today is a conglomeration of pictures that were sent to me by some faithful readers who obviously get my warped sense of humor. It truly makes my day when someone sends me somethin' bizarre and says, "thought of you". Because I love y'all, I'm sharin' the wealth:
Guess we know who wears the (under)pants in her family!
Be afraid guys, be very afraid!
Somehow I doubt Cake Boss designed this beauty.
Got Milk?
Somebody needs a bikini wax.

Thanks so much to my friends Mollie, Bill, Mindy and my good friend who would rather remain anonymous to protect the innocent for sending me such blogworthy material.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Foot Fetish

Well kick up your heels folks and put your best foot forward 'cause I'm gonna kick start your day with a story a couple of my friends sent me about a 55 year old woman from the Netherlands who was experiencing 5 or 6 foot orgasms a day. Sadly, she was not head over heels in love! Instead, doctors say an infection caused her nervous system to be confused so that her brain could not differentiate between her left foot and her vagina causing an orgasmic feeling. DANG, now that is one time I wouldn't mind havin' two left feet!!!!

I have taken an informal poll amongst my friends and it was a unanimous decision that she put her foot in her mouth by even bringin' this condition to her doctor's attention and gettin' it corrected. How would ya like to foot that bill?  I know, I know, we shouldn't judge unless we have walked a mile in someone else's shoes. But seriously, 5 or 6 foot orgasms a day without havin' to undress, deal with a partner and their issues, or clean up any mess. I would jump in feet first on that sweet deal baby!

So, does anyone know how I can get my foot in the door and be blessed with that infection? Yeppers, I realize I should be kicked in the pants and stand on my own two feet at the gates of  hell for even wishin' such a thang. But, if the shoe fits, I'll gladly wear it.

Story: Here

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Friday, July 5, 2013

Skyrockets in Flight

WOW, yesterday here in the good ol' USA there were fireworks as far as the eye could see in celebration of our nation's birthday.  I'm so proud to live in the land of the free because of the brave!! As most of you know, the 4th of July is also a huge vacation week for lots of folks. It just so happens that one of the funniest bloggers, Travis, formerly of BamaTrav, was visiting the beach right here in southeastern North Cackalacky for his respite from work. We decided to get together and 'cause a little trouble. Even though we never met face to face, it didn't take us long to cut to the chase. I do love me a guy who can make me laugh! Turns out we share the same birthday. Although I won't admit who is older, I will say the word "cougar" is quite appropriate. 
Despite it being broad daylight, I casually mentioned to Travis I was interested in makin' some fireworks of our own. Bein' the southern gentleman that he is, he indulged this old hag. Sky rockets in flight....... Afternoon delight!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Goin' Bananas

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday courtesy of my old friend Denise. When we were kids we used to enjoy thangs like banana bread and banana splits on a hot summer day. Heck in 6th grade our talented friend Mindy made banana milkshakes for everybody and presented them to the class to that catchy little tune, "I'm Chiquita banana and I've come to say, Bananas have to ripen in a certain way, When they are fleck'd with brown and have a golden hue, Bananas taste the best and are best for you". Then as we matured we listened to those cool Bananarama 80's tunes and went bananas lookin' at HOT dudes wearin' banana hammocks. But times, they are a changin'!
 It's so yesterday folks to choose between ribbed, flavored, studded, ticklers or even lambskin to protect your banana from all sorts of heebie jeebies caused by those nasty fruit flies. Pfffffttttt, the revolutionary new Banana Bunker protects this delicate fruit from bruising and keeps it safe until you are ready for your snack attack. Plus, this handy dandy tool is expandable to fit all shapes and sizes. No need to worry about whether those magnums will slip off if a banana is not very well endowed. With 5 transparent colors to choose from you can still get a full frontal view of that delicious treat. Rumor has it this hot ticket item is on sale for a limited time at Banana Republic.