Friday, June 7, 2013

A Cunning Plan

Unless you've been livin' under a rock, you have heard the news blasted all over the media that Michael Douglas admitted his own battle with throat cancer may have been caused by HPV, the virus which comes from that delightful sport called cunnilingus. Never mind the fact that Mr. Douglas was a heavy drinker and smoker, both known causes of throat cancer, or that he publicly said he does not regret either of those habits. Instead, the actor has to go and do some sort of twisted personal PSA about oral sex causing throat cancer. DAMN, way to make it tough for all of us gals who enjoy a little tongue action Michael!!!! As if it isn't scary enough way back in middle school when they show ya pictures of private parts bein' eaten away by STDS, now some high powered Hollyweird type is goin' around sayin' he could have died drinkin' from the furry cup. Is nuthin' sacred anymore????
Personally I think this whole thang is part of some cunning plan to prove that Michael is straight despite the fact that he was PERFECTLY cast as Liberace in the movie "Behind the Candelabra". Really Michael, no one cares about your sexuality and whether you slipped Matt Damon the tongue for pleasure or just for the part. So please, go give lip service to some other worthy cause and just allow the general population to enjoy some good ol' fashioned muff diving without fear of the big C.

Story: Here

16 comments:

  1. poor Catherine Zeta Jones - she is constantly being embarrassed by the behaviour of her husband :(

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    1. she'd be worth the cancer

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    2. he didn't get it from her, those viruses are dormant.

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  2. LOL....you know, I had heard Michael Douglas was in the news for 'something', just didn't know what until I read this. I had to laugh as I saw a few commercials about him doing the Liberace biopic and, well, he was pretty damn convincing.

    But, like you said, who cares? :)

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  3. Unfortunately it might be true for women with the pappilomavirus. Scientists are working on a sauce that will disinfect the coochie (and add flavour).

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  4. I think Michael Douglas dropped all dignity at the door of "Behind the Candelabra". Really creepy watching him and Matt Damon. I am not there is enough money in the world that would be sufficient to play those roles. UGH!

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  5. Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael... "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt"

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  6. It's really a way of denying responsibility. "Sure, I smoked for 30 years, but I got cancer from that woman over there."

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  7. All of these previous comments are pretty great, too. I esp. like Martha quoting the fools cry. Thanks for the compliment of the purple lipstick, since you were the most vocal; which I loved to hear, really.

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  8. Why is it that someone out there always has to spoil a good thing. I doubt there's any science to back up this claim, and I don't care if there is.

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  9. Gawd I wish he could or would read this post! Well said there Deb.

    Maybe if Michael and some of the rest of the holyweird (intentional misspelling there) celebs were a little more discerning as to which muffs he chose to dive in, he could have avoided it altogether. Which would place the blame on the smoking and drinking where it rightfully belongs.

    Focus Mr. D, focus. Nobody questions your sexuality after movies like Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct and War of the Roses. Your parts were convincing because a lot of men have "been there" before.

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  10. What a load of crap. Yeah forget the smoking and alcohol, never could be that. Moron.

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  11. Wow, someone doesn't want to admit his illness might be due to his bad life choices, does he!

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  12. I thought the funniest part of this story was actually how it caused EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in his life to immediately rush to a microphone and holler "It was not me!" to passersby.

    As if the indignity of having slept with Michael Douglas wasn't enough already, right? I bet every night, after he goes to sleep, Catherine Zeta Jones gets up and paces around their big dark quiet house and thinks "Yeah, I shoulda definitely sold my soul to the Devil, instead."

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    IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE: Michael Douglas stands in front of a podium, explaining to the media that it was not cigarettes or drinking that caused his throat cancer.

    "It was 'Zero Bars,' guys," he tells the reporters. "Ever wonder why they're on the bottom of the rack at the candy aisle? Now you know: they're made of pure cancer."

    Elsewhere, Catherine Zeta Jones looks at the brimstone and hellfire that is eternally tormenting her immortal soul in exchange for having been a movie star for a few years, and says to nobody in particular "Beats having to lay under Michael Douglas every few days."

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  13. Personally, I thought he was a very odd choice to play Liberace, considering that he's pushing 70.

    But to blame his cancer on receiving oral is a bit far fetched. Now if he said that he got it while delivering said oral, then maybe it would be believable.

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