Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Rest in Peace Dad

On June 24, 2013, the great beyond gained a true original. James Elwood Uffelman, better known as “Mike”, was born on May 18, 1939. He spent his early years tearing up the town of Windsor, graduated from Red Lion High School, and then shipped out with the Navy on the USS Essex. The tall tales from the Navy are so infamous it’s easy to see why Mike was neither an officer, nor a gentleman. However, the US military did survive Mike’s four years of service, and rumor has it they even retired his uniform. Not knowing what he wanted to do when he grew up, Mike held a variety of jobs including selling insurance and cars, but he is best known as the jovial bus driver from the Red Lion Bus Company who literally drove thousands of folks from the area to various destinations around the country. One of Mike’s favorite trips was to New York City, and if you were fortunate enough to be a passenger on one of his trips, you know that he may have been small in stature, but he could park that big ol’ bus on a dime. Mike also enjoyed telling a great joke and making people laugh. Red Lion is definitely a whole lot quieter now without his signature laugh.
Believe it or not, this wild man actually served his community in a variety of ways. He was a member of the Red Lion Elks almost as soon as he was old enough to join, holding the position of Exalted Ruler twice. He was also a 32nd degree mason, and for many years Mike drove ambulance for the Red Lion Ambulance Club. In his spare time, Mike enjoyed hunting and always looked forward to his annual hunting trip to the Sure Shot Gun Club in Potter County.
Mike is survived by his wife Sandy, who deserves her own medal of honor for sticking it out for over 50 years of marriage. He is also survived by: a daughter, Debra Church, son in law Jeffrey Church, two grandchildren, Conner and Ryan Church of Wilmington, NC; brother and sister in law Fred and Lynn Uffelman of York; brother and sister in law Bill and Ruth Uffelman of Hershey;  a variety of nieces and nephews; and inlaws George and Geraldine Heininger Sr. and George Heininger Jr. of York.
The family would like to thank all physicians, nurses and health care providers at York Hospital and Colonial Manor Nursing Home for taking such amazing care of Mike these past six months despite the colorful language you would often hear from his sailor’s mouth. To all of the angels at Heartland Hospice, you have made this journey much less painful and you have given dignity to even the most cantankerous of patients.
One thing is for certain, if Mike is in heaven, he is up there raising hell. If you knew the man, the legend, you know exactly what that statement means! In lieu of flowers, tell your best dirty joke to a group of friends, look up to the heavens, and say, “this one’s for you Mike”. That rumble you hear from the sky will be his big booming laugh in appreciation!
Olewiler & Heffner Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements and services will be private.

Monday, June 24, 2013

North Star

In case you were wonderin' what kind of direction to go in when buyin' a baby gift for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West on the birth of their new bundle of joy, I would stay away from a golden compass. It appears the child already has a great sense of direction since she is named North West. Yeppers, her given name is North, no middle name, last name West, hence if she ever gets lost she should just point her head in the direction from whence she came and she will always be headed north.

I sure hope this young'un follows directions as she grows up 'cause Lawd knows she could wreak havoc anywhere from North Dakota to North Cackalacky. Her best shot may be to settle in the wild, wild west or even in the hills of West Virginia 'cause both of them places are used to the likes of Mae West. But sadly, with the kind of misdirection she may be subjected to, I fear she could grow up to be the new Wicked Witch of the West.

Let's just hope when North has a bambino herself, she does what any proud parent would do and names the child after herself. Then she can legitimately claim her namesake and a compass heading all in one fell swoop: North by NorthWest.

Story: Here

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

The menu at a South Cackalacky establishment where I ate some tender vittles last week. You learn somethin' new every day!!!!

Friday, June 21, 2013

Deals of the Century!

When ya got insomnia and ya just can't sleep.
Turn on late night TV and take a peep.
Lots of  infomercials vying for your hard earned buck.
Buy some of these gems if you're down on your luck!
If tight toned buns were not a God given gift
Try out the revolutionary Brazil Butt Lift!
Guaranteed to shape, lift and firm
the ass of a supermodel you will earn.
Check out this handy dandy little pan.
An excellent gift for a woman or a man.
The perfect meatloaf every single time.
And it won't cost you much more than a dime!
If you have ailments like joint pain or digestive issues
No need to cry about it and wipe away tears with tissues.
Just one pill a day of the amazing new Omega XL
Will cure all your ills and have you feeling swell.
Why diet and exercise if ya got a few el bees to lose?
It's much easier to get skinny while you snooze.
All ya gotta do is sprinkle this magic fairy dust
On everything from ice cream to pizza crust. 
Tired of lookin' like a wrinkly old hag?
Cindy Crawford has this anti aging thing in the bag.
The secret ingredient comes from a rare French melon
Put that somewhere else baby and there just ain't no tellin'!!!!!


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Walking on Sunshine

It's Wacky Wednesday time again and if any of you folks are lookin' for the latest and greatest health fad, just follow the advice of 65 year old Navenna Shine who is conducting an experiment she is dubbing, "Living on Light". Little Miss Sun-Shine has decided to live without food for 6 months, sustaining herself only on water and sunlight. I hate to steal the lady's sunshine but, one major problem is that she lives in Seattle, a city that only averages 58 sunny days in an entire year. Guess ya gotta look on the bright side of thangs though, 'cause she already lost 20 el bees in 33 days. Heck, those folks on The Biggest Loser don't even make that kinda progress!
Anywho, Miss Sun-Shine says this is a "paradigm for living in which we as human beings do not need to ingest any kind of food whatsoever into our stomachs in order to thrive". She goes on to explain that we have a nutritional source of light embedded in our systems that gives us exactly what we need to be healthy and well. DANG, that theory just doesn't seem to hold water 'cause I've seen some dark and gloomy people in my day, and I know they ain't got much light embedded in their systems. Even folks with a sunny disposition can get can purty damn hangry if they go longer than 5 hours without solid food.
So, I say give it another week or two, put one of these bad boys in front of her face and Navenna is gonna chow down like she's in Nirvana. But, if sadly she doesn't survive this experiment, let's just hope her loved ones put the title of that famous Bill Withers song on her headstone, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone"!

Story: Here

Monday, June 17, 2013

Nuts and Bolts

Call me nuts folks, but when my high school buddy Denise put the ball in my court and said she thought I could "do something with this story", I just had to accept the challenge.  It takes some big balls to tackle a sensitive subject like testicular cancer, but I figure if some nutcase was actually the brainchild behind Senhor Testiculo, pictured above, to educate Brazilians about testicular cancer, the least I could do was bring the nuts and bolts of the platform to your attention.

Yeppers, it seems some nutty professor in a Brazilian cancer awareness group introduced the world to the Mr. Balls mascot to help propel testicular cancer research into the media spotlight. Personally I'm just glad they didn't go with a nutty buddy as the mascot 'cause I could nevah look at my neighborhood ice cream man in the eye evah again!!!!! At least the dude doesn't look like a hard nut to crack 'cause he and that little whippersnapper seem to be havin' themselves a ball.

Let's face it folks, it takes some serious cojones to get into that suit!!! So the real question becomes whether that pretty young female escort is actually a ballbreaker and puts the poor guy's balls to the wall every night. Because if she is, Senhor Testiculo is gonna teabag her tonight baby!!!

Story: Here

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Ultimate Sacrifice

We all make sacrifices in life. In starts when we are toddlers and our parents force us to share our favorite toy with some snotty nose kid so we can make friends. Then in high school you step back and let your BFF go out with the object of your affection while you are stuck goin' to the movies on a Saturday night with the class nerd 'cause ya ain't got nuthin' better to do. At your first real job you let some corporate climber walk all over you and take credit for your brilliant idea 'cause you haven't yet developed a back bone. You get the idea folks. When does it end? When do you decide enough is enough?

Well, the other day, my friend Grayson texted me and said "just realized it is your half birthday. Happy, Happy". DAMN, I forgot all about it. That means I'm 1/2 way through the year I turn fucking fifty. I decided right then and there, to forget about the same old, same old routine I've been doing. Time to take the bull by the horns. No more compromises and no more sacrifices for me!!! It's time this old bitch shake thangs up. I signed up for more Pure Barre classes even though my hamstrings are so sore I can barely walk up and down steps. The one ply sandpaper-like toilet paper that cheapo Uncle Jeffy bought has been deep sixed 'cause my wrinkly ass deserves bettah! I allowed myself an extra grande, decaf, nonfat, peppermint mocha this week 'cause to me they taste like an orgasm in a cup. The glorious sun beat down on my topless body without sunscreen or fear of shame 'cause it's my backyard and I own it (along with a generous mortgage from the bank). Hell, I even stayed up past my normal 8:45pm bedtime and watched a stupid Lifetime movie just to be a rebel. One day I went to the grocery store and indulged:
I really should have felt guilty when that lobster was trying to crawl his way to freedom in the seat beside me, but instead I felt empowered. In 6 short months I'll be hittin' a milestone birthday and I feel fantastic!!! So to you Mr. Crustacean, thank you for makin' the ultimate sacrifice for this old gal.

Dinnah was divine!!!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cum and Get it!

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, where in honor of Father's Day this weekend, I thought I would talk about one father who has made headlines recently for spreadin' his seed all over the Volunteer State. A modern day Johnny Appleseed ya might say.
There's 33 year old Desmond Hatchett from Knoxville, TN, who has cum clean about havin' 30 children with 11 different women. Mr. Hatchett appeared in court this week because he's cum to grips with the fact that he can't afford his child support payments and asked for a much needed break. His oldest young'un is 14 and his littlest whippersnappers are mere toddlers. The cool thang is not many dudes can make the claim to fame that they had 4 kids in the same year. Twice. Ha, take that Duggar family!!! The state already requires him to divide 50% of his minimum wage earnings among the 11 lucky gals, some of whom receive the whopping $1.49 a month.
So if my math is correct, I've cum to the conclusion that Desmond had his first pride and joy at age 19 and then sired 2.14 bambinos every year thereafter, with the exception of two years where he would cum around a little more often so that he was blessed with 4 more mouths to feed in each of those years. That's one kid every three months. Since the state can not mandate him to stop having children, maybe the best Father's Day present his extended family can give him is a hook up with TLC, E! or BET for a reality show to help pay his child support obligations. Perhaps it could be called "Sure Shot Shenanigans".

Story: Here

Monday, June 10, 2013


So how about 33 year old Trish Staine from Duluth, Minn who ran for 2 hours last Sunday in preparation for a 1/2 marathon, had a sore back that evening, thought the pain was from hard core training, went to the ER, and out popped a 6 pound 6 ounce baby girl the next day? She says she had no idea she was preggers because she didn't gain any weight, nor did she feel any fetal movement. Oh yea and the real kicker is her husband had a vasectomy. She and her husband John have 2 children, and she is the stepmother to John's 3 kids from a previous relationship, so she thought she was dun birthin' babies.

Besides the powerful force called denial that is obviously in effect here, I say either John's urologist is in serious trouble or she is!!!!!!

Story: Here

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

I saw this poster at my local Starbucks. For that kinda bank I'm hittin' the shelters, findin' a Taco Hell pooch, dyin' his coat to match those colors and takin' off to Cabo with my reward money baby. OLE!!!

Friday, June 7, 2013

A Cunning Plan

Unless you've been livin' under a rock, you have heard the news blasted all over the media that Michael Douglas admitted his own battle with throat cancer may have been caused by HPV, the virus which comes from that delightful sport called cunnilingus. Never mind the fact that Mr. Douglas was a heavy drinker and smoker, both known causes of throat cancer, or that he publicly said he does not regret either of those habits. Instead, the actor has to go and do some sort of twisted personal PSA about oral sex causing throat cancer. DAMN, way to make it tough for all of us gals who enjoy a little tongue action Michael!!!! As if it isn't scary enough way back in middle school when they show ya pictures of private parts bein' eaten away by STDS, now some high powered Hollyweird type is goin' around sayin' he could have died drinkin' from the furry cup. Is nuthin' sacred anymore????
Personally I think this whole thang is part of some cunning plan to prove that Michael is straight despite the fact that he was PERFECTLY cast as Liberace in the movie "Behind the Candelabra". Really Michael, no one cares about your sexuality and whether you slipped Matt Damon the tongue for pleasure or just for the part. So please, go give lip service to some other worthy cause and just allow the general population to enjoy some good ol' fashioned muff diving without fear of the big C.

Story: Here

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Life in the Fast Lane

It's Wacky Wednesday time and today's story comes courtesy of my blogging buddy Holli from Holli's Hoots and Hollers. It appears some 25 year old road warrior named Luis Briones down in Albuquerque put his Ford Explorer on cruise control while his female companion started waxin' his ride. She must have really been revvin' his engine and driving him wild while playin' with his gear shift, 'cause instead of pullin' over at a rest stop the couple went into overdrive. Sadly, right before Mr. Briones could drive his point home, the vehicle crashed ejecting the woman. That's a whole new take on Spanish fly now hey?
Then, Mr. Briones found himself in a prickly situation hiding behind a cactus with only one shoe on and his shorts inside out. Although the female was naked, she looked like a total wreck with deep cuts on her face and head. Mr. Hot Rod got in trouble for more than just your run of the mill click it or ticket. He was charged with DWI, reckless driving and evading police. Also, word on the street is the skid marks in his shorts were worse than the ones on the road.

Story: Here

Monday, June 3, 2013

School Days

Thanks so much to my blogging buddy One Bad Pixie for sending me this text book story of See Jane, See Jane spill punch, See Sue punch Jane, see Johnny's hammer, See Johnny hammer Sue...... Yeppers folks it appears more than just a kindergarten cop was needed in Cleveland on Friday during the kindergarten graduation ceremonies when an all out brawl started over some spilled punch. Two teenage girls started hittin' each other, then their families joined in, one participant pulled out a pipe and another whipped out a hammer. Adults were fightin' adults and juvies were fightin' juvies. Instead of night school, they had themselves some fight school.

I'm takin' an educated guess here and sayin' the 3 R's taught at Michael R. White Elementary School are reading, riting and rioting. Wonder if anyone involved was on the honor roll or even the teacher's pet? Well, at least they won't have to read a book over the summer, 'cause more than 8 people got booked for aggravated rioting instead.

So folks, let this be a lesson learned. If ya can't ring the school bell, at least ya can ring someone else's bell.  Obviously, the class valedictorian NEVAH goes down without a fight!!!

Story: Here

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Ever notice how most women prefer hard tacos and most men prefer soft? There's gotta be a sexual correlation there!