Friday, May 31, 2013

I Dream of Being Jeannie

Yea, I know I'm showin' my age and some of you young'uns probably have never even heard of Barbara Eden or that famous 60's sitcom I Dream of Jeannie, but just play along kids. For all of you kinky types, she coined the term "yes master" before Christian Grey was even born. She was a freakin' SEXAY bombshell back in the day. I wonder if Larry Hagman (who played Major Tony Nelson on the show) ever hit that in real life? I sure as hell hope so 'cause ya know she could do SO MUCH more for Major Nelson than just cleanin' up those goofy messes he and Captain Healey always got themselves into.

So, there is Barbara today at age 78 wearing her iconic costume at The Life Ball this past weekend in Vienna. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! Right there is my motivation to push away from the table a bit more and keep movin' my ass!
And that's how Jeannie grants her master's wish.  Although Major Nelson has passed to the great beyond, I know Jeannie is still makin' lots of dude's dreams come true!

Story: Here

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Moon Shot

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and there must have been a full moon recently 'cause some of the thangs people do sure makes me think they are moon struck or somethin'. Check out this butt head Mom in Virginia who was jailed for disorderly conduct after shooting the moon to a school bus full of 45 kids.
Yeppers, Lisa Grant got into a butt ugly argument with the bus driver, who sent a note home saying Grant's son was misbehaving. After she basically told the driver she was gonna whip her butt, Grant pulled down her pants and mooned everyone on the school bus. Sure hope those poor kids didn't toss the moon pies they had for lunch 'cause those thangs is good eats!!! One thang is for sure, Grant is gonna be the butt of some jokes in the slammer. At least she won't be sittin' around feelin' sorry for herself listenin' to Blue Moon all day, 'cause rumor has it she is bein' heavily recruited by that moonies cult behind bars.  story: Here

And thanks to my blogging buddy Adam for sending me this pop culture story from down my way in Charlotte, North Cackalacky of a Mama who obviously takes that commandment "thou shall not steal" pretty dang seriously. It seems Latasha Renee Love had her 13 year old son arrested for taking her Pop Tarts without asking first. Guess that's better than poppin' a cap in the kid's ass hey? When the media tried interviewing Love about why she had her son arrested, she just popped off with an obscenity. I realize those Pop Tarts cost about 50 cents a pop, but her son got 'em for a steal. Hope Mom and Pop are happy now that the boy is in juvie. Maybe they can send him pop rocks and soda pop for good behavior. story: Here

Monday, May 27, 2013

Random Act of Kindness

Today I'm participating in the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest sponsored by Wayman Publishing. For the next few days bloggers all over the blogosphere will be posting about kindness in the hopes that readers will be inspired to share some joy with others. LAWD knows in this weird and wacky world we can all use some more lovin'!

As some of you know, my Dad is quite ill and I have been traveling back and forth to PA, not only to spend time with him, but also to make final arrangements and to get all of his affairs in order. Because my Mom is suffering from her own mental health issues, she is not able to assist. Being an only child living 8 hours away can be both beneficial and a pain in the ass. Trying to manage my own family, as well as deal with my parents' issues, has caused my stress level to rise to the boiling point. Fear not folks, this ol' gal ain't gonna boil over, rather, I just take to the bottle a bit more than usual to deal with the stress. In addition to my frequent buyer status at a couple of wine shops in town, the guy at the lickah store now knows me by name. Sad but true.

Anyway, several weeks ago while I was running errands, I received the following text message from my friend Desiree: "I dropped something off at ur front door.. Been thinking about u and ur Dad." I was positively shocked because I honestly did not realize she even knew my Dad was sick. Yes, we are friends, but Dez is the wife of one of my husband's partners and we rarely see each other outside of office functions. She is a young whippersnapper in comparison to me, we don't live close, and our lives just don't intersect that much. However, Dez is one of those rare folks who has such a pure heart and probably never had a malicious thought in her entire life (quite unlike me hey?)

When I got home I found this gorgeous orchid on my front porch. It's not really the orchid itself that is so special, it's the fact that Dez cared enough to take time out of her day with 3 small children to buy the flower and drive across town to hand deliver it to someone who was going through a rough time. Because of her random act of kindness I gave myself permission that day to grieve, really grieve for the impending loss of my Dad. When I cried it all out, I realized that no matter how much my life sucked right now, there were others who also needed a boost. How hard is it to reach out and spread some joy? It can be as simple as a smile or an old fashioned phone call to someone who is hurting. So, if you have ever been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a random act of kindness, I hope you remember how good it felt and want to pay it forward. That's what life's all about folks, that's what it's all about!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

I'm looking for a nude beach this summer 'cause the thought of bathing suit shopping is even more frightening.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Holy Spicoli Sean Penn!!!!

Holy crap, when I saw this photo in my local newspaper the other day of Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn it sent me racin' to my computer to get the Sweet and Lowdown on his birth date. I knew we were about the same age in The Tree of Life and I wasn't far off. Mr. Penn was born August 17, 1960. He's only 2 1/2 years older than me. HOLY SPICOLI!!!!! As I'm turnin' nifty fifty this year, I'm payin' more attention to the aging process more now than evah. From the looks of thangs, I think it's Fair Game to say Sean may have had a few more Fast Times at Ridgemont High than most folks. I don't know what's on Taps at his house but I sure as hell don't want any. Although I do like me some Bad Boys, it's nice to be able to see them At Close Range without losin' your cookies and Milk. I doubt even all The King's Men can save this Dead Man Walking.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Doggie Delight

It's Wacky Wednesday time again, and I'll be doggone if my friend Rossie didn't find another local blogworthy news story for me. DANG, folks here in southeastern North Cackalacky have really gone to the dogs.
There's 24 year old Jeffrey Bynner, from the county right next door to where I live, who is charged with "unlawfully, willingly, and feloniously committing the abominable and detestable crime against nature with a Chihuahua dog". No other details are available other than he is currently not in the dog house, but still in the big house under a $10,000 bond. Well, Drop My Chalupa folks, 'cause all I can think about is the famous Taco Bell dog sufferin' through some rear entry at the hands of that beast.
Obviously Mr. Bynner takes that Yo Quiero Taco Bell (I want some Taco Bell) slogan pretty seriously. He wanted more than just the run of the mill dog meat served on the menu hey? That stuff makes me sick as a dog, hence my term of endearment "Taco Hell", for the hell it causes to my digestive system. Guess the dude was seriously jonesin' for some real doggie style action. Just imagine the size difference between Mr. Bynner's big burrito and the tiny tamales that little canine was used to feelin' in her taco. I can't help but think how truer words have never been spoken in a commercial when the Chihuahua said back in the day, "Uh Oh. I think I'm going to need a bigger box". That poor doggie's box is probably stretched to the size of a chimichanga after all that penetration.

At least we now know Mr. Bynner is takin' it like a dog with Bubba and the boys. Perhaps I will send him this poster to hang up in his cell to give him somethin' to dream about at night. After all, everybody has a movie star fantasy don't they?

Story: Here

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Booby Prize

    Could one of you be the big WINNAH in Florida of the estimated $600 million Power Ball? I suppose if you are, you ain't takin' the time to be readin' any blogs this mornin'. Rather, you are holed up somewhere with your inner circle, and hopefully some high powered attorneys and financial advisers to help you sort out your new windfall. Obviously I'm still poundin' away at the keyboard at this high payin' bloggin' gig 'cause I was a big LOSAH. On the 7 tickets we purchased, we did not even hit one single number. Not one, nada, zippo, zilch. How low can you go baby??? Now that's a loser!!!

    Uncle Jeffy went back to work today makin' the world a more beautiful place. Since people seemed to get a kick outta my FaceBook post yesterday regarding my booby prize, I thought I would share it with all of you:
    didn't even get one stinkin' number on 7 Power Ball tickets. WTH????? Looks like I'll keep on makin' the big bucks with that stellar blogging career while Uncle Jeffy continues to make the world a more beautiful place one boob at a time.

    Like · · Promote ·
    So while some folks are obviously perfectly happy accepting the booby prize, I just want the WINNAH to know that I do believe I'm your long lost 33rd cousin twice removed on your maternal great, great Aunt's side. Sure would love to get together real soon and catch up. Hey, whatever happened to creepy Uncle Freddie who always sat at the kids' table during holiday dinners?   


    Saturday, May 18, 2013

    Weekend Wisecrack

    Wonder what song is playing in her head?
    A special thanks to my awesome friend Hot Tamale for posting this video on FaceBook!!!!

    Friday, May 17, 2013

    Buzz Kill

    DANG folks, yesterday when my friend Mindy texted me this awesome news story from Sweden about a horny guy dying after having sex with a hornet's nest I got busy as a bee writing my blog post for today. It appeared as if a 35 year old man known only as Hasse, who probably sported a buzz cut, had 146 sting marks on his body. The poor dude was even stung where he was hung 54 times. His neighbor described finding his body and said it was so swollen he initially mistook it for a whale carcass, but recognized him from the tattoo on his neck.

    The news reports went on to say that dried semen was found on some of the dead wasps, some of the man's pubic hairs were found at the entrance to the nest, and his fingerprints were on the hive itself. Nothing was reported from "bee"hind the nest. This led authorities to believe Hasse attempted to have sex with the nest when the wasps attacked and killed him. Talk about a buzz kill!!!!!

    But imagine how mad as a hornet this Queen Bee was when I found out the entire story was an internet hoax!!!  Uh Yea, I had some really funny puns for you dedicated readers today regarding that worker bee. Damn, those hoaxsters sure do know how to stir up a hornet's nest hey? That sure does sting!!!!

    Story: Here

    Wednesday, May 15, 2013

    Three Card Monte

    Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks where today I'm gonna cut right to the chase and tell ya how con men really play games. Instead of that ol' standby con trick with the three cards that anybody can learn how to do, hard core criminals play head games during their threesomes. They even cut their losses. That's right.
    Ashley Hunter
     Just ask head case Ashley Hunter of Fargo, ND who met up with his old prison buddy Orlando DeWitt at a bar back in February. They go back to Hunter's house for a party where DeWitt started kissing a woman named Leticia. Then I supposed Hunter wanted to play heads or tails and he picked heads. Leticia began to perform oral sex on Hunter while DeWitt was goin' at it doggie style. Obviously Leticia was at the head of the class in the dirty dog department 'cause when Hunter asked to switch positions DeWitt refused to pull outta the race.
      Orlando DeWitt
    That's when everything came to a head. Hunter then made a cutting remark and basically told DeWitt to fish or cut bait. DeWitt shoulda learned to go head first 'cause when he tried to head for the hills Hunter pulled out a butcher knife from his couch and stabbed him twice.  DAMN, that ménage a trois sure did cut like a knife. I guess the lesson here folks is two's company and three's a crowd hey?
    Thanks so much to my friend Rossie who posted this story on his FaceBook page. What perfect Wacky Wednesday material!

    Story: Here

    Monday, May 13, 2013

    A Triumphant Victory

    Yes, I know it's hard to believe that I was actually awarded the Triumph Trophy 'cause considerin' my life has been pretty shitty lately, there certainly haven't been many victories. But, I think my hilarious and kindred spirit friend Menopausal Mother just felt sorry for me so she let me in on the action. I loosely follow the rules with these awards anyway (must be the attorney in me trying to find the loophole in anything I can) so here they are according to moi:

    1. display the trophy on your post
    2. start your piece with , "I didn't kill _____ today". It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose
    3. this award is now passed on like an STD to any other triumphant blogger who just needs to vent or rant and rave. Have at it blogging friends!!!

    I didn't kill any other drivers today. Actually this post relates to yesterday when I was fortunate enough to drive the 8 LONG hours back to North Cackalacky from PA on Mother's Day. After visiting my extremely ill father for 5 days and making the final arrangements for his eventual demise, I decided my reward would be to travel back home on Mother's Day in anticipation of a nice cold Debosa waiting for me upon my arrival. Timing is crucial. If I left by 6am I could avoid the Baltimore and DC traffic and be home by early afternoon sippin' Debosas on the back porch.
      Everything was goin' according to plan and I was zippin' along about 75mph when, BAM, all traffic suddenly comes to a standstill because of this stupid freakin' sign. Three lanes of traffic are goin' to be merging into two lanes ahead. For the life of me I can't figure out the physics behind the phenomenon of bumper to bumper traffic on a highway for 45 minutes going absolutely nowhere just to merge lanes two miles ahead. Yeppers, people honkin', yellin' out their windows, and screamin' obscenities that would even make a sailor blush. Okay, that was just me, but this Mama had a very emotionally taxing few days and this traffic jam was puttin' a serious monkey wrench in my drinkin' plans.

    You will all be happy to know I put the pedal to the medal in that bad boy, made up for lost time, stayed off the law dogs' radar, and had my Mother's Day libations as planned. Now that my friends was a victory indeed!!!

    Saturday, May 11, 2013

    Friday, May 10, 2013

    Asinine Awards

    There have been a few news stories lately that are so unbelievable they deserve some special asinine awards. Congratulations to Dave, right here where I live in Wilmington, North Cackalacky for makin' national headlines and doin' all of his homies proud.
    Dave wins the Dumbass of the Week award for callin' 911 and complainin' that the drug dealer he gave 80 bucks to did not come back and bring him his marijuana and cocaine. He explains to the 911 operator that he was waiting for the drug dealer to come back and do the right thing because the dealer was ripping people off. And not only that, Dumbass Dave even complained that when he bought drugs from this particular dealer in the past, the drugs were substandard and he was not able to get high off them. The audacity of that dealer!!!! I'm quite certain the operator dispatched the law dogs right on over to Dave's house to take a full report on that horrendous robbery and to get a detailed description of the suspect. What a tremendous loss for our entire community! Everyone please keep Dave and his family in your thoughts during this tragic time. And if anyone out there knows any information about the perp, for the love of GAWD please contact Dave 'cause I hear he's still jonesin' for his fix. Story: Here
    The crazy ass award goes to the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller/Denise Richards triangle after social services removed Charlie and Brooke's 4 year old twin boys from Brooke's home because her drug use is jeopardizing their safety. In a normal world, the kids would go to Brooke's ex-husband and father of the children, who just happens to be Charlie Sheen right? But this is Hollyweird we're talkin' about folks and we know them people be freakin' crazy! Obviously Charlie ain't fit to take care of anybody, so the judge awarded temporary custody of Brooke and Charlie's boys to Charlie's ex-ex-wife Denise Richards because she is the most stable person in their lives. Yeppers, how many of you ex-wives would take custody of your ex's kids with another woman? Crazy Ass!!!! Uh Yeah, Denise should also win some sort of special award for now raising 4 spawn of Mr. Tiger Blood. Story: Here
    The Happy Family
    The last award goes to me because when I read this story about 20 year old Samuel Dye beating his 61 year old grandmother with a hammer and attempting to rape her because he couldn't get a girlfriend, I think I'm entitled to kick his ass! Samuel showed up at his grandma's house in Chester, South Carolina complaining that he wasn't able to find a girlfriend and said he was going "to get some". You want some Samuel, I'll give ya somethin' to remember for a long, long time, and when I'm dun openin' up my can of whoop ass on ya, whatever Bubba and the boys do to ya in the slammer when you drop the soap will seem like a walk in the park. Story: Here
     Unless someone kicks it first Samuel, your sorry ass is MINE dude!!!!
    Thank you to my friends Guy and Mindy for sending me these blog worthy stories and lettin' me run with 'em.

    Wednesday, May 8, 2013

    Sexual Healing

    Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday! Monday I wrote about International Clitoris Week, and since there's so much sex in the news lately, I thought I may as well keep the theme goin'. I'm sure most of you know that May is National Masturbation Month. Have you been treating yourself nicely so far this month? Not to worry if you are a few strokes behind 'cause it's only the beginning of the month. There's still plenty of time to take matters into your own hands.
     In fact, the city of brotherly love is hopin' for lots of self love by hosting its first evah masturbate-a-thon until the 27th where sponsors can actually donate money for every hour participants spend "being charitable". I love me some Philly!!!!! Through the event, local sex education groups hope to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure. Prizes are being given for most creative fantasy, most unique way of gettin' the job done, and most money raised. Dang, I think I would be a serious medal contender in the fantasy category for all the outlandish ways my warped mind has conjured up to turn Anderson Cooper straight. Story: Here
    And folks, I'm sure it's a load off your mind, as well as his, to know that Wesley Warren, the Las Vegas man with the 132 pound scrotum is recuperating nicely after the successful removal of his sac. When Mr. Warren turned down Dr. Oz's offer to pay for the surgery in exchange for exclusive interview rights, he was criticized as basking in the fame his giant organ brought him. After all, that extra baggage did earn him spots on the Howard Stern Show, Comedy Central and made him a local celebrity in his hometown. But, after being forced to urinate on himself 'cause his tallywacker was buried so deep in the growth, he decided to undergo the operation so he could be a normal man and have a romantic relationship with a woman. Look out Sin City 'cause when Wesley gets the green light from his doc he's headed straight for the red light district baby!!! Story: Here
    This just makes me wanna go for a nice, long, hard ride!
    Last, I will leave you with Jonah Falcon's hilarious new video "It's Too Big" about his record setting, world famous 13 1/2 inch penis:

    Monday, May 6, 2013

    A Clitoral Celebration

    Ladies, grab your partner, your favorite electronic device, or even take matters into your own hands and have a quiverin', screamin', shout it from the mountain top kinda orgasm 'cause today marks the beginning of the first evah International Clitoris Week. WHOO HOO!!!! Yeppers, May 6-12th has been designated as the week to bring awareness to this delicate part of the female anatomy that can bring us as much confusion as it can desire. Confusion in the fact that the clitoris itself has no reproductive function, but damn, you pleasure that little puppy just right and you desire more, MORE, MORE!!!!

    Apparently, the group Clitoraid decided to highlight the clitoris in order to make women around the globe feel more comfortable speaking out and celebrating their sexuality. They are hoping some women will even go to masturbation seminars. Dang, perhaps I should sign up to instruct one of those seminars 'cause I got that whole self love thang down to a science.

    So women everywhere, celebrate every single day this glorious week by doin' what feels good to you. I trust you have long since figured that out!!! And guys, pay extra attention this week to that lovely, highly sensitive, feel good button type object between your partner's legs. I promise you won't be disappointed!

    Story: Here

    Friday, May 3, 2013

    Off the Deep End

    Ya know at first I thought Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes had a spirited rivalry goin' just to see who could do the wackiest thangs for our entertainment. But Amanda Bynes kinda stole the spotlight lately from Li-Lo with her off the wall antics. Let's see, it started with a run of the mill DUI and hit and run charge, but got a little juicier with the incident at the tanning salon where she was walkin' around nekkid lookin' for eye goggles. Then she got kicked outta an adult gymnastics class for wearin' fishnets and a leotard that looked like lingerie and muttering to herself. Last week she was booted from Planet Fitness in Harlem for smokin' weed in the bathroom, and she recently posted that lovely picture of herself on Twitter with 1/2 of her head shaved. Whew, ya still with me folks? I'm exhausted just hammerin' it out on the keyboard.

    Although she admits battling an eating disorder, at what point does someone in her inner circle need to call in the authorities and have this girl involuntarily committed?  Hell, I wouldn't mind a brief respite every now and then. I hear they don't even give ya mirrors in those places so ya can't smash 'em and cut yourself. No mirror to see how horrid I look, 3 squares a day, and lots of happy drugs doesn't sound too bad for a little while.

    Just the other day Amanda posted this picture on Twitter saying she weighs 135 pounds, she gained weight and needs to weigh 100 pounds. At 5' 8" tall, 100 el bees would be frightening. Obviously the girl needs help and I'm not discounting that. However, one quick weight loss method she might want to consider is to drain about 10 pounds of saline off each of those massive implants and watch the scale miraculously plummet. Or she could also shave the other side of her head to make things a bit more symmetrical and lose a few more unwanted pounds. Problem solved!

    Story: Here

    Wednesday, May 1, 2013

    Bearded Fellows

    It's Wacky Wednesday and did you folks know that in a new survey researchers found that men with a 10 day beard were most attractive to women? Hhhhhhmmmmm, I got one word to say to that: "OUCH"!!! And, on a few amazing days outta the year my inner thighs might be sayin' the same. But apparently I'm in the minority.
    Researchers at The University of South Whales showed hundreds of women photographs of different men. Each man was pictured clean shaven, with 5 days growth, 10 days growth and then with a full beard. The fellas with 10 days growth were voted most attractive, and those with 5 days of stubble were seen as least attractive overall. Dudes with a full beard scored highest for potential parenting ability. Wonder if those same chicks would want any of these bearded guys to be the father of their children:
    The Blooming Onion
    The bow tie

    Can't wipe that smile off his face!

    Story: Here
    Images via Google Images