Monday, April 29, 2013

I'm Too Sexy

On the radio this morning I heard a blurb that 3 Saudi Arabian men were deported from their own country for being too handsome. Apparently their good looks were causing impure thoughts in too many women. DANG, shouldn't the ugly Saudi effer's actually thank these dudes for givin' the chicks somethin' to fantasize about while havin' sex with their nasty asses? But no, instead the government makes their entire society suffer. Such injustice!!!

The Huffington Post reports that they have no official names of the 3 men, but one speculation is Omar Borkan Al Gala, a self described photographer, actor and poet who has been posting a series of glamour shots of himself on Facebook and Flickr, along with a link to the story. So I guess until we have confirmation of the 3 men, we can all just satisfy ourselves with changing the words to that famous Right Said Fred song:

I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me.
I'm too sexy for my turban, too sexy for my turban
So sexy I'm going urban
I'm too sexy for Saudi bitches, too sexy for Saudi bitches
so sexy my crotch itches.  
And hey sexy Omar, over here in the good ol' USA we welcome folks of all nationalities and religions, and impure thoughts of women are WAY down on our government's hit list. The beach in southeastern North Cackalacky is real nice this time of year. Just sayin'.
Story: Here

Thursday, April 25, 2013

NFL Draft

Geno Smith
If you've been around these here parts long enough, you know I'm a HUGE college football fan, and I LOVE me some WVU Mountaineer football. In honor of some Mountaineers who I will be watching intently tonight at the NFL draft, I'm wearin' my WVU gear from head to toe today right down to my undies:
I'll spare ya the shot of me actually in those boy shorts.
I'm pullin' for my boys Geno Smith and Tavon Austin to do well tonight in the draft. Let's Go Mountaineers!!!!!

Now in honor of the NFL, and to give all of you folks a chuckle, whether you are football fans or not, have a look/see at the following hilarious video. Sure makes me glad my name is nice and simple!

Thank you Jane for sending me this video and causing rip roarin' laughter that was sure to scare the neighbors. 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

From Dark to Light

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and who could EVAH forget the tanning Mom who "allegedly" took her 5 year old daughter into a tanning booth with her? At the height of her tanning addiction, Patricia Krentcil's skin looked like you could peel it off and make it into a nice leather handbag with a matching pair of boots:
Although Patricia is now considerably less dark, she has found a new hobby in which to keep us all entertained. TMZ has reported that last week she posed for about 100 photos on a quarantined beach. She may be lighter in color, but she also lightened up the amount of clothing she wears. Oh yea folks, ya just KNOW this is gonna be good shiz!!!!!!
 The new Sports Illustrated swim suit cover model. 
Demonstrating the plow position.
Givin' Gisele a run for her money!
Oooohhhhh you sly little devil you!!!!
Story: Here

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Turdball Tuesday

Yea I totally made up that title because some thangs are just too relevant to wait until Wacky Wednesday. So I'm thinkin' America's sweetheart Reese Witherspoon is a bit of a turdball after she and her high powered agent husband Jim Toth were arrested over the weekend in a DUI related incident in Atlanta. First of all, why do celebrities even get DUI's when they can certainly afford to hire drivers? Secondly, Mr. Toth was driving a Ford Fusion. HEEEEELLLLOOOOO, a freakin' Ford Fusion on his salary?????? That's like Kim Kardashian bein' forced to drive a Honda Civic. OH, THE HORROR!!!!!

Anyway, Mr. Toth was pulled over by the law dogs 'cause his swanky silver Ford was weavin' in and out of lanes. As the cops were dealin' with her husband, the demure southern belle was yellin' out the window that she didn't believe the cop was a real police officer. He told her to sit on her butt and be quiet. She then got out of the Ford Fusion (sorry I just can't help myself) and said she was a US Citizen and was allowed to stand on American ground. Good thang Reese is so patriotic 'cause that turdball move got her handcuffed. Of course when you're handcuffed it's always a good idear to start mouthin' off right? So, in an Oscar winning performance, the actress shouts at the officer, "do you know my name, you are about to find out who I am, you are going to be on national news". Yeppers, and so are YOU Reese 'cause you  wouldn't shut your pie hole, you became combative and got yourself arrested for disorderly conduct. Nice mug shot though.

In an attempt at good ol' southern hospitality, Reese's publicist had her release the following apology:

Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that was no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I am very sorry for my behavior."

Not that I would know, but girl, maybe ya shoulda stuck with your signature hair color 'cause I hear blondes may have more fun. Them brunette types can be real scary bitches!

Story: Here

P.S. My hilarious and talented blogging friends Brandon Meyers and Bryan Pedas published yet another novel called Lost and Found, which is sure to be a big hit. For details check out A Beer for the Shower.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Monday Funday

Seize the opportunity!
Can ya tell I was too lazy to write a real post today? Instead ya gotta little touchy, feely action.  And, congratulations to my fellow blogging buddies Mama Melch  and Dezmond who will both be receiving a copy of Tracy Beckerman's hilarious new book Lost in Suburbia from my giveaway this weekend. It's a definite must read!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Tracy Beckerman is HERE with a GIVEAWAY!

I feel like a rock star today because nationally syndicated humor columnist, and frequent TV and radio guest, Tracy Beckerman asked little ol' redneck me to be one of the hosts of her blog tour for her rip roarin' hilarious book "Lost in Suburbia". OH EM GEE, I can so relate to the laugh out loud stories Tracy tells about trading in her ultracool power job for that high paying, highly appreciated job of a stay at home mom (uh yea, that is total sarcasm folks). Ya gotta love a woman who can find humor in embarrassing situations, laugh at herself, and triumph through it all.

So after I read this amazing Momoir, I posed a few questions for the coolest chick to ever grace the state of New Jersey. Here are Tracy's answers, followed by a giveaway of a signed copy of her book to one lucky reader. Oh yea my friends, 'cause that's how Tracy rolls!

1.                 I peed my pants reading about you in the dressing room with those chicks next door with their New Jersey accents. How have you learned to adapt?
 I started speaking with a Jersey accent.  Now I fit right in. Except for the fact that I don’t have big hair.

2.   Didn't you want to shoot yourself in the head when you weened your son off the binky? I kept a diary of that time with my now 17 year old son and will give it to his wife someday.
 Those things are like crack for babies. I know babies have the need to suck, but that’s why God created a thumb.  Every time the binky would pop out of my son’s mouth in the middle of the night he would start to cry because he couldn’t find it again. You can’t lose a thumb when you are sleeping.  Weening him off it was the single hardest thing I had to do, you know except for that 36 hour marathon labor. And not being able to pee afterwards. And then there were those hemorhhoids. OK, so maybe the binky wasn’t the hardest thing, but it was pretty annoying.
3.   I applaud you for giving up your high powered TV job without much inner turmoil because you actually missed your cryin', screamin', poopin' baby. What benefits did Mom get?
 I got a cryin’, screamin’, poopin’ baby and no salary or days off.  What’s better than that?
4.   Isn't signing up for toddler classes an interesting way to meet other moms? Did you ever have to get through those times like I did with Mama's little helper (wine in a sippy cup)?
I thought that a straight intravenous drip would be a much more effective and efficient way to deliver the vino.  However, I was so tired from having one toddler on the run and being pregnant at the same time that I probably would have benefitted from a coffee IV instead.
5.   I totally understand being at a cocktail party and people instantly discounting you when they learn you "are just a stay at home mom". Ever regret your decision to leave the cool job?
 By the time I left the job, I was losing the love for it anyway.  I spent 10 years being married to my job because it was the kind of job that demanded it. But once I had a husband and son, I wanted more balance. Of course I hadn’t planned to have the pendulum swing completely in the other direction and spend every moment of every day being super mom.  I was really happiest when I had the best of both… a part time cool job and full time mom.  I did however miss the praise I got for doing the big cool job.  For some reason your kids are just not that inclined to walk up to you and say, “Hey mom, you are doing an awesome job raising me, helping me formulate a positive self-image, and teaching me how to be a responsible, independent thinker. Thanks for that!”

 6.   How about your son finding your vibrator in your bed? Well played telling him it was a back massager. Does he still like back massages?
 Wow… did I put that in the book?  I’m going have to talk to my editor about that. And for the record, it wasn’t a vibrator, it was a “personal massager.”  That’s what they call it at Brookstone and I’m sticking to it.
7.   Good for you for rockin' a short haircut and a tattoo. What advice do you have for women who want to reclaim their own cool or individuality after motherhood?
 Figure out what it was about you that made you feel good about yourself before you had kids, and then get it back!  There is nothing about motherhood that precludes you from having short hair or green hair or no hair if that’s what it takes to make you feel good, even if it does get your kid beat up on the school playground. If you are a happy parent you will be a better parent, for sure.
8.   OK, how did it really feel to knock out stuck up, control freak, peanut-free Cheryl in kickboxing class with your cross punch?
 Pretty awesome. Some people just need to have their lights punched out. Not that I’m advocating violence. A well-placed pithy comment can also go a long way to making you feel better.
9. I'm so with you on not understanding how women fit into their prepregnancy clothes 2 weeks after giving birth. Do you think it's massive colonics, 'cause one thang I know for sure is breast feeding doesn't burn the amount of calories some people claim it does?
I think the ones who started out tiny stayed tiny through pregnancy and then they only had about two pounds to lose after they gave birth. I was not particularly petite to start out with and then I gained 60 pounds with each kid.  Not that those Pop Tarts I ate for nine months had ANYTHING to do with that. I’m not that good at math, but even I know when you then give birth to an eight pound baby, that leaves roughly 50 pounds still remaining to lose.  You can breast feed the whole planet and still not burn enough calories to shed that kind of weight anytime soon.   
10.                 Damn girl, you started on this monumental road to success after writing a story about how you botched your son's Valentine's Day cards. What advice do you have for us podunk bloggers who have dreams of making it big some day as a writer.
 I started as a Podunk blogger. Or at least a Podunk columnist. I had one column in my local paper, and then grew it from there. It takes patience, practice and “chutzpah.”  Write a lot so you get good at it… go after lots of fish… and when they say no, come up with another way to get what you want.  Or bribe them. That works, too.
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Friday, April 19, 2013

Pseudo Reality

OK, I admit I do not watch much TV. The extent of my television viewing consists of serious shiz like Mob Wives, anything Bachelor related, and Days of our Lives. So how pathetic is my life that while I'm blogging I listen to these ridiculous pseudo reality shows that Uncle Jeffy and the boys are watching intently in the living room? Such gems as Operation Repo, American Pickers, Storage Wars, and my all time favorite Swamp People are background noise for me.
Now last night Jack Daniels may, or may not, have been involved during an episode of Operation Repo 'cause Uncle Jeffy was gettin' his boxers all in a wad about the fact that the show was "scripted" instead of being full on reality. He's yellin' at the TV sayin' it's a travesty that the show is obviously using actors now instead of the real deal. Apparently there was some scene where one of the "stars" of the show shot some guy in the leg with a needle and the guy instantaneously passed out, when in fact that would take about 15 minutes in real life. There's no more camera guy out of breath runnin' after the dead beats who owe money, but rather the camera is now very carefully placed at perfect angles to capture all of the fake action.

Uncle Jeffy was so incensed he made 13 year old Ry Guy email the show and complain about the lack of reality, saying he will NEVAH watch again because they have sold their soul. WTH??????? You will all be so happy to know we did receive a canned response saying "our viewer's opinions are very important to us, and although we can't respond to each individually, we do read and consider all viewer input." Oh I'm just sure Lou, Sonia and the gang will just forget about entertainment value and go back to their roots after that email.

P.S. Instead of my regularly scheduled programming of a Weekend Wisecrack tomorrow I have a special treat and giveaway for you that is not to be missed. Be sure to tune in folks!!!!

Image via Google images

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Rumor Mill

It's Wacky Wednesday time and today I got that catchy little jingle from the Hee Haw Honeys stickin' in my head. Anybody old enough to remember this: "Now we're not ones to go 'round spreadin' rumors, Why really we're just not the gossipy kind, No you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip, So you better be sure and listen close the first time!" Anyway, since I LOVE me some juicy gossip and make no bones about it, I was quite sad to hear the news reports that one of the most solid celebrity marriages may be in trouble.
No matter what you might think of this family, I have always admired Ozzy and Sharon's commitment to stay together through thick (her pre-gastric bypass days) and thin (his wasting away from a drug induced diet). So when tongues started waggin' yesterday that Sharon was seen lunching without her wedding band, and moving furniture out of a van into a separate Beverly Hills property, I thought is nuthin' sacred anymore??? I mean if ya can stay with the dude when he bites the head off a bat there ain't no mountain ya can't conquer together. Ozzy was quick to set the record straight on FaceBook saying he and Sharon are not divorcing, but that he's just trying to be a better person after taking drugs and drinking for the last year and a half, and he's sorry for being such an asshole to his family. Come on you crazy kids, I KNOW ya got it in ya to work thangs out.

I mean just look at Danny DeVito and Rhea Pherlman who were married for 30 years, separated for 5 months, and recently got back together. Seriously, when ya start to look alike, ya just know your soul mate. Some thangs are pretty doggone obvious.
Now one piece of juicy gossip I don't think many ladies will be too upset about is the trouble in paradise between Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. There will be plenty of hot babes standin' in line to mend that boy's broken heart if there is a spark of truth to that rumor.

Images via Google Images
Story: Here

Monday, April 15, 2013

Cheery Cherry Blossoms

It appears Wilmington, North Cackalacky wasn't the only place this weekend where people went a tad bit crazy on their fashion sense. I'm tellin' ya, I saw some pictures of folks right here in my hometown that looked like they fell down the rabbit hole and ended up where Alice did in Wonderland. WHOO WEE, believe me when I tell ya, the mad hatter ain't got nuthin' on them.

But apparently up north in Washington, DC for the cherry blossom festival people break out some funny attire too. The difference between there and here: the DC folks actually realize they are wearing a costume. Check out some of these gems my friend Mindy saw up close and personal:
The Asian cross dressing Dorothy and Toto.
Wearing the white house on your head.
The cat in the hat with dreads.
Damn straight!!!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Weed at the Garden Party

It's that time of the year again here in Wilmington, North Cackalacky. That's right, 5 entire days devoted to a flower. Not just any flower mind you, but an azalea. WHOO HOO!!!!! For the past several years I have hibernated and stayed away from all thangs "Azalea related", 'cause frankly I think it's ridiculous and I've aged out of the party circuit. However, this year as part of my duties as PTO Prez of Ry Guy's school, I met Queen Azalea and the "celebrities" (and believe me that term is used VERY liberally) who came to town as part of the festivities. The highlight for me was meeting the stunning Emily Maynard, from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette fame. She's also a West Virginia girl so you can bet your bottom dollar I was quick to say GO MOUNTAINEERS!!!! Lemme tell ya, when ya stand next to her, ya sure do feel like an ugly duckling!
Now in honor of the big event, I am repeating one of my favorite posts among the locals:

It's Azalea Festival time again here in Wilmington and that means scads of people comin' to town to celebrate our beautiful azalea bushes for 5 fun filled days of activities. YEE HAH!!!! Since I'm a transplanted Yankee livin' in this southern town, it took me quite awhile to get used to ALL things south of the Mason-Dixon Line, but most especially 5 full days dedicated to a flower.

The HIGHLIGHT of these 5 days is the annual Garden PAR-TAY today where anybody who IS anybody will be in attendance for a mere $150 per ticket to stand in line for a barbeque buffet and to fight your way through the crowd for a cocktail. Now when I first arrived in town 16 years ago, I was a working attorney. I was the only female attorney in the firm, and the guys told me about the PAR-TAY a few days before the big event. There was a strict rule at our firm that we were NEVAH allowed to drink alcohol at lunch with clients, regardless of whether the clients ordered a drink. The senior partner informed me that Garden PAR-TAY day was the one and only exception to that rule.

HHHHMMMMMMMM, I thought this must be some sort of special event huh? So, I put on my best herringbone patterned suit that day, nude hose, and navy close toed lawyerly like pumps. I think I even went all out and put a fancy schmancy pin on my lapel.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the PAR-TAY and all the women were dressed like that, and I looked like Susan Boyle before she was discovered by Simon Cowell. Deb, the lawyer, looked like a dried up, nasty weed, amongst beautiful, luscious, spring like flowers. Yeppers, I was the weed at the Garden PAR-TAY!! I truly wanted to hide in those stupid ass azalea bushes and not come out until they were sweeping up the last barbeque residue. DAMN, that was one of the most embarrassing days of my life!!!!!

However, I rebounded quite nicely and that garden PAR-TAY became a highlight for many, many years. It was a drunk fest from 9am til 9pm. Hell, sometimes I even wore a fancy hat just like I was born and bred in these here parts. Our posse had a whole routine. We would go to this certain place for breakfast at 9am and load up with carbs (to soak up the inevitable alceehol) and share a few mimosas. Then we would be the first arrivals when the gates to the PAR-TAY opened at 10:30am and get first dibs on the cocktails. The guys would set up "base camp", meaning they would park their asses on folding chairs, while the ladies started workin' the crowd. If we got separated we always knew where base camp was located. All day in the sun drinking cocktails sure gives you a nice buzz. But when the gates close about 3'ish EVERYBODY who is ANYBODY goes to the after PAR-TAY down by the water. Now most people go to this one certain establishment, but you are literally standing shoulder to shoulder, and I swear one of these days that dock is going to collapse with hundreds of people falling into the intracoastal waterway dressed in their Garden PAR-TAY finest. We always preferred to go to the less crowded joint next door where we could actually have a waitress, a seat, and a view of the water. We would stay partying our asses off until someone in the crowd had sense enough to say it was time to go home. Lights out, PAR-TAY over.

There is a picture of me and the gals at the last garden PAR-TAY I attended 4 years ago. That's me on the far right end (sans hat). Although I have fond memories of the PAR-TAY, as they say, all good things must come to an end. I feel as if I finally "aged out" of this tradition. Gettin' all dressed up, liquored up and peeing and fallin' down in the azalea bushes just doesn't hold the same appeal to me anymore. Now if I want to do those things, I prefer to do them either in the privacy of my chambers, or with a few good friends, rather than in front of the whole damn town.

So instead, I'm hosting a small gathering at my house for like-minded individuals who are also tired of the crowds and all the hoopla. There will still be the famous garden PAR-TAY punch, barbeque, and a fancy hat or two. I'll even pee in my own azalea bushes just to keep the spirit of the real Garden PAR-TAY alive!!!! Gate opens at 9:30am, so if you are in the area stop on by.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Fond Farewell

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and sadly, over the last few days the world has seen the passing of a few true icons. All trailblazers in their own right, and all with their own unique sense of style.
The country clubers from The Hamptons to La Jolla are mourning the death of famed designer Lily Pulitzer with her preppy pink and green frocks adorning the chosen few who can afford the outrageous price tags to match the outrageous patterns.
Ah, then the 50's generation, and perhaps some baby boomers too, are sad about the loss of squeaky clean, girl next door Annette Funicello, the fresh faced mouseketeer who probably wouldn't say shit if she stepped in it.
And across the pond, I'm sure the Brits are keepin' a stiff upper lip as they bid farewell to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the ultra conservative who was rarely seen without her signature strand of pearls.

Now try as I may, try as I might, I was unable to find an image on the web that morphed the most recognizable trait of these three icons into one solo image so we could bid them all adieu in one fell swoop. Come on folks, I can't be the only one to have thought of this: The Iron Lady's famous face atop the latest Lily design with Micky Mouse ears on her head. If any of you are savvy enough to create such a work of art, please indulge us. What a way for all of these ladies to be memorialized forevah!!!!!

Images via Google Images

Monday, April 8, 2013

Copy Cat

I saw this little clip in the bible, er People magazine, the other day and I thought I would beef up their interesting observation with my own weird and wacky style, 'cause I love y'all so much and I know you can appreciate the humor.  It appears that The Biebs is a copy cat of none other than The King of Pop.

First there's a monkey named Mally.
Michael had a chimp named Bubbles.
Next, the Biebs dons a mask.
A mask was standard public attire for MJ.
Last, a fingerless version of......
  the famous glove.
So the moral of the story here folks, is be original, be your own person, find your true identity, because we all know how this is gonna turn out for poor little ol' Justin. He'll go for a few innocent plastic surgery procedures to look like the lovely Diana Ross:
But end up lookin' like that famous character from the land of Oz:

Images via Google Images

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

The other night I tried using the excuse, "I've been cooking too much because all of our plates are dirty. How about take out for dinner"? Cheapo Uncle Jeffo replied, "How about running the dishwasher"? Busted again!!!

Image via Google images

Friday, April 5, 2013

Polar Opposites

The residents of New Bern, North Cackalacky need not be disappointed that a Cracker Barrel restaurant is not coming to their town 'cause, believe it or not, they got a polar opposite event that is even biggah and bettah to look forward to. Yeppers folks, this quaint little town right up the road from where I live will be hosting the National Championship Pole Dancing Competition on April 28th. The organizer of the event explains that pole dancing is a form of gymnastics, it helps muscle mass, burns fat and strengthens endurance. He says the event is not sexual in any way, although he admits some of the pole cats either currently work or have worked in strip clubs.

Now I'm certain most of the chicks who can do this move wouldn't touch Cracker Barrel's famous fried apples with a ten foot pole. But I'm sure there are still some folks in New Bern who are mourning the loss of those tasty vittles and the delightful trinkets from the old country store. So fear not New Bern, 'cause my gal Lulu here proves you can have your chicken fried chicken and pole dance too:
I'm pullin' for Lulu to get in pole position in the competition baby!!!!!
Thank you to my friend John for giving me the scoop on this blog worthy story.
Story: Here
Images via Google Images

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I Admit Defeat

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and today's wacky story, like last week, comes from my own pathetic life. Ya know I'm really gettin' worried about myself. If you have been a veteran reader of my blog then you know about my obsession with Anderson Cooper. We have an amazing, beautiful life together in my warped and deranged mind. If you are a newbie to my blog, you can read about how devastated I was the day he came out of the closet Here.
 However, I kept holding on to the fantasy that I would be the woman who could turn a gay man straight. Hell, even his Mama, the famous Gloria Vanderbilt was pullin' for me. Check it out

But, just like Kenny Rogers says in that famous song, "ya gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run". And sadly, that's just how I felt the other day when I was doin' cardio at the gym and Anderson's talk show was on TV. This 45 second clip says it all:

I admit defeat!!!! That boy ain't NEVAH gonna play for my team!!!!!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Takin' a Whiz

Gee whiz folks, I gotta tell ya that sadly, this story ain't no April Fool's joke. It appears that a 34 year old whiz kid named Sydney Levine from St. Louis is facing criminal charges from using a prosthetic penis to try to pass a drug test. Mr. Levine was on probation for possession of a controlled substance and was required to submit a urine test. When an officer came whizzin' by he spotted the fool using a prosthetic device, known as a Whizzinator, which is touted as a fool proof way to pass a drug test by using someone else's urine. Guess that was fool's gold 'cause Mr. Piss For Brains was charged with possessing a forging instrument. Dang, I imagine that pissed him off hey?
So there's the actual Whizzinator with its 4 inch penis and all the attachments. Since the Company has been sued for selling this contraption as a way to pass drug tests, it is still sold on the web as a sex toy. Now I must be playin' the fool here 'cause who is gonna get any satisfaction from a measly 4 inch dildo? I suppose the only folks pissin' their money away on this foolish toy are the golden shower crowd.

Story: Here