Monday, February 18, 2013
Dear Night Shift Nurse,
I understand my Dad is a pain in the ass to say the least. He's belligerent, combative and cusses like a sailor, 'cause he was one. However, he is also recovering from triple bypass surgery, is in kidney failure, and has dementia. Believe me, I don't like when you call me at 2am most nights to inform me that he fell flat on his face tryin' to go to the bathroom 'cause it's against the law to put restraints on him and rails on his bed. That must be extremely difficult for you to deal with on a daily basis. I get it that it sucks workin' in a nursing home. You are overworked and understaffed. But I gotta tell ya, it ain't cool when I get a call from the ER at 6am tellin' me my Daddy is totally unresponsive 'cause you loaded him up with Ativan and Oxycodone to keep him still and quiet through the night so you could watch the late, late show or shop on QVC. Uh yeah bitch, ya coulda killed him. So instead, he had to spend 3 nights in the ICU, getting drugs to counteract the overdose, and more dialysis to flush the drugs outta his system.
Girl, you really need to get to know your customers better. For instance, where were you Saturday morning when I suffered severe pain from Ulthera treatment????? Ya see, I got jowls I wanted tightened and toned so Uncle Jeffy signed me up to be a guinea pig at his office for this new ultrasonic energy therapy guaranteed to make my skin look as youthful as the day I was born. Yes, I was premedicated with Xanax and another pain pill, but if you are givin' those suckers out like candy, bring 'em on sista!!!! Don't waste 'em on my elderly father who isn't even havin' pain, but is just a pain in your back side. Give 'em to someone who would really appreciate them!!! Lemme tell ya, it freakin' hurts like hell to look like Joan Rivers, but I'm willin' to suffer for the ultimate result. I was squeezin' stress balls in each hand, moanin' and groanin', and even screamed for mercy at one point during the treatment. But you weren't there to snow me into oblivion. Oh no, you just wanna make your job easier by gorking out the old folks.
Plus, I hear those puppies go for some serious bucks on the street. I got two kids to send through college and I'm always lookin' for creative ways to maximize their college fund. I'm thinkin' all of those drugs ya pumped through my Dad's system woulda gone for a couple of grand on the street. Did ya even think about that? Instead of community college, my boys coulda gone to a state school with the money I coulda earned from sellin' some of those coveted beauties. So to you night shift nurse, I'm giving you this gift from my friend My Half Assed Life 'cause you deserve it.
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