Monday, February 18, 2013

The Smackdown


Dear Night Shift Nurse,

I understand my Dad is a pain in the ass to say the least. He's belligerent, combative and cusses like a sailor, 'cause he was one. However, he is also recovering from triple bypass surgery, is in kidney failure, and has dementia. Believe me, I don't like when you call me at 2am most nights to inform me that he fell flat on his face tryin' to go to the bathroom 'cause it's against the law to put restraints on him and rails on his bed. That must be extremely difficult for you to deal with on a daily basis. I get it that it sucks workin' in a nursing home. You are overworked and understaffed. But I gotta tell ya, it ain't cool when I get a call from the ER at 6am tellin' me my Daddy is totally unresponsive 'cause you loaded him up with Ativan and Oxycodone to keep him still and quiet through the night so you could watch the late, late show or shop on QVC. Uh yeah bitch, ya coulda killed him. So instead, he had to spend 3 nights in the ICU, getting drugs to counteract the overdose, and more dialysis to flush the drugs outta his system.


Girl, you really need to get to know your customers better. For instance, where were you Saturday morning when I suffered severe pain from Ulthera treatment????? Ya see, I got jowls I wanted tightened and toned so Uncle Jeffy signed me up to be a guinea pig at his office for this new ultrasonic energy therapy guaranteed to make my skin look as youthful as the day I was born. Yes, I was premedicated with Xanax and another pain pill, but if you are givin' those suckers out like candy, bring 'em on sista!!!! Don't waste 'em on my elderly father who isn't even havin' pain, but is just a pain in your back side. Give 'em to someone who would really appreciate them!!! Lemme tell ya, it freakin' hurts like hell to look like Joan Rivers, but I'm willin' to suffer for the ultimate result. I was squeezin' stress balls in each hand, moanin' and groanin', and even screamed for mercy at one point during the treatment. But you weren't there to snow me into oblivion. Oh no, you just wanna make your job easier by gorking out the old folks.

Plus, I hear those puppies go for some serious bucks on the street. I got two kids to send through college and I'm always lookin' for creative ways to maximize their college fund. I'm thinkin' all of those drugs ya pumped through my Dad's system woulda gone for a couple of grand on the street. Did ya even think about that?  Instead of community college, my boys coulda gone to a state school with the money I coulda earned from sellin' some of those coveted beauties. So to you night shift nurse, I'm giving you this gift from my friend My Half Assed Life 'cause you deserve it.
Images via Google Images

17 comments:

  1. I want to give you a big hug, even as I'm laughing my ass off. Your poor dad. Poor you - you've certainly had more than your fair share of stress lately.

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  2. Sometimes when my wife is too hyper and annoying I feed her Nyquil so she'll pass out and I can relax. But that can't kill her... right...?

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  3. Typical, having to use drugs to avoid doing their job. At least you'd sell them to people who haven't any job to begin with.

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  4. so it's against the law to put restraints on him, but not to put tones of pills in him? Horrible. I do understand the sufferings of nurses too, can't imagine the horrible aspects of their jobs, but they've chosen it themselves and that's that.

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  5. My dad had a nurse like that when he died from lung cancer

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  6. To hell with the kids college education. I am confident that paying back student loans for the rest of their lives will keep them task oriented. Take the "extra" pill money and use it on future beauty treatments. I don't think Joan Rivers got to where she is with just one visit. Don't we all aspire to look like the new and improved Marlo Thomas? Of course we do.

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  7. When I grow old I want to live out my years in the woods rather than a nursing home lol.

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  8. How long has your Dad had dimensia? I bet that would be extremely stressful! Good for you for venting some of your ager on your blog. I find it hard to vent anger and I am inspired by those who can do it so well.

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  9. hey Deb! Keep on cussing those 'care facility' nurses. When my brother was there we all termed it a 'hell hole' and I ain't a swearing woman.

    Thank you so much for your nice words regarding my grands, my looks and my 'sassy-ness'. You are such a nice friend!!!!!! Keep smiling!!!!!

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  10. Be better of hiring a homeless person, you'd give them a job and they'd be sure and take the drugs themselves.

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  11. I'm sorry. I couldn't get past that nurse shoving on a rubber glove and "pain in the ass."
    That reminds me.
    My physical is in four months.

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  12. I have no words. Because, evidently, you took them all. Where did you hide them, because I don't like having to go into word debt like I am right now, since I had to borrow these words to leave this comment.

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  13. I'm sorry about your dad and all youre going through girl. As long as your skin is tight, its all good though, right? Keep your head up and go kick the bitch.

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  14. Oh Deb I DID HAVE a fooooooood hannnnnnnnngoverrrrrrrrrr! I slept til NOON. If I didn't have to fulfill my civil duty and be at Cub Scouts this afternoon I would have stayed in bed all day. It was that gooooooooooooood.

    Yes, Macaroni Grill's Zucchini Fritti. YUM!!!!!!!!

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  15. So sorry to read about all this. I don't know you that well yet, but it sounds like a lot is going on.

    Hope things get better.

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