Thursday, February 28, 2013

Fact or Fiction?

Do you take things at face value or are you naturally a skeptic? Take a gander at this video and give me your thoughts as to whether the events captured on "the hotel's security camera" are real or staged? As the wise man Mr. Brady, from my all time favorite show The Brady Bunch, says "Can you spot a snow job when you see one"? Since I'm not that politically correct, I say you can't bullshit a bullshitter. What say ye?

Story: Here

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Whipping Post

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Today I've whipped up a good story from Waynesville, Ohio where landlord Ron Kronenberger loosened his belt and beat his 29 year old tenant who owed him $2,800 in rent. Dang, sure hope the guy was wearin' a pair of Spanx to soften the blow. It really is somethin' straight outta Fifty Shades of Grey 'cause the tenant actually submitted to the beatin'.  The dude seriously bent over and placed his hands on a chair "because he was scared and just wanted to get it over with". After all, it was for the little whippersnapper's ultimate pleasure and the landlord added another notch to his belt.
So there's the landlord who told his tenant "if he was going to act like a child, he was going to treat him like one".  Even though he doesn't have much hair to whip back and forth, I guess he's a firm believer in spare the rod, spoil the child hey? Obviously Mr. Kronenberger knows how to crack the whip and tan that boy's hide. Wonder if that corporal punishment whipped the tenant into shape so he will no longer be late on a rent payment again? Or perhaps the beatin' just gave the landlord a bad case of whiplash.
Either way, while Mr. Kronenberger is sittin' around waitin' for his court date on assault charges, he's got plenty of time to listen to Devo's "Whip It" while spanking his monkey.

Story: Here
Images via Google Images

Monday, February 25, 2013

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Long gone are the days when Cher would show up at the Oscars wearin' some outlandish Bob Mackie number. Now it's all about the glitz and the glamour, and that is really reekin' havoc on my redneck red carpet recap schtick I got goin' here. I ain't got much to work with from the Oscars last night 'cause everyone pulled out all the stops, but ya know my wacky mind can pull somethin' outta nuthin'.
The Emus hatched all over Amy Adams' skirt.
Catherine Zeta-Jones proving that if you can't win a golden statue, at least you can look like one.
With her height and new haircut, Charlize Theron is a dead ringer for Bridget Nielsen. Sure hope she doesn't end up marrying Stallone and being on Celebrity Rehab.
Daryl Hannah makes a splash in a mermaid dress.
Straight from the Halloween Express Store comes Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton.
Naomi Watts auditioning for Star Trek the Final Frontier.
And they call it, "Puppy Love"..........
Ann Hathaway may have won the Oscar for best supporting actress but her nipples got their own Twitter account.

 And what happens when you literally take a starving actress and put her in a dress that weighs twice as much as she does? SPLAT!!!!
Images: Here

Friday, February 22, 2013

In the Dog House

Doggone it folks, just when you thought sin city was all about fabulous casinos, gorgeous show girls, and bright lights, somebody's gotta go ruin it and make it go to the dogs. Kara Vandereyk was arrested in Las Vegas for having sex with a pit bull in broad daylight in her own backyard. When officers approached she appeared to be on drugs, greeted them with a "hi", and continued to touch the dog in a sexual way.

Now I could maybe understand the whole situation if Ms. Vandereyk wanted to get it on doggie style with the rapper Pitbull, but instead, she chose the four legged variety and is now in the dog house. She should just put her tail between her legs, 'cause how in the hell do you recover from the embarrassment of a bestiality charge? But don't feel too sorry for her, 'cause rumor has it Ms. Vandereyk is enjoying her doggie bed and treats at the pound while awaiting bail.

Story: Here
Image via Google Images

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Wacky Weirdos

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today I'm bringing ya a smorgasbord of wackiness, 'cause there have been so many weirdos in the headlines lately I couldn't decide on just one main entree. Dang, the full moon isn't even scheduled til next week, so batten down the hatches then folks 'cause LAWD only knows what's a comin'.

First, we have crazy ass Leann Rimes suing her dentist alleging his poor dental work stalled her career. Hhhhhmmmm, I think the only thang that stalled here is Ms. Rimes' willingness to chew and swallow food. She is also suing for the physical, emotional and psychiatric injuries she sustained over a 3 year period of treatment. Geez, which one of those injuries came first? Enamel erosion from puking up her dinner or the emotional problems stemming from a diagnosis of bulimia? Guess only her shrink knows for sure.  Story: Here

Then we have jackass Joe Rickey Hundley slappin' a stranger's cryin' baby on a Delta airlines flight and callin' the little tyke a racial slur. Yeppers, rumor has it Sir Mix-A-Lot wrote a new version of his famous song "Baby Got Back" just for Mr. Hundley and it goes somethin' like this:

I like quiet babies I can not lie
My hand will slap your face if you cry
Don't cross me if you be black
I ain't got no problem windin' it back
Tell your Momma to zip your lip
Cause kid I'm gonna give you da whip 
Baby Got Smack....
Baby Got Smack....

Next there's double amputee Oscar Pistorius who pulled out a double barrel shotgun and killed his girlfriend. Yes, he says the shooting was accidental because he thought she was an intruder. However, there was a history of domestic violence between them, and on the night in question she had locked herself behind the bathroom door that he shot through. Oscar may be able to out run the competition, but he can't out run the truth. Story: Here

Oh and how about the heart warming story of the heart recipient who fell in love with his donor's sister? Every time she lays her head on his chest she can hear the thump, thump, thump, thump of her brother's beating heart. Is that some sort of brotherly love creepy incest, or is that somethin' straight outta Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" ? Sure hope the dude doesn't have a fear of rejection. Story: Here
And last, but most certainly not least, is the revolutionary new Dildomaker designed by Francesco Morackini. This handy dandy pencil sharpener-like device can turn virtually any phallic type object into a dildo for your ultimate pleasure. Now if you will excuse me I need to add cucumbers, bananas, sausage and candles to my grocery list. Story: Here

Images via Google Images


Monday, February 18, 2013

The Smackdown

Dear Night Shift Nurse,

I understand my Dad is a pain in the ass to say the least. He's belligerent, combative and cusses like a sailor, 'cause he was one. However, he is also recovering from triple bypass surgery, is in kidney failure, and has dementia. Believe me, I don't like when you call me at 2am most nights to inform me that he fell flat on his face tryin' to go to the bathroom 'cause it's against the law to put restraints on him and rails on his bed. That must be extremely difficult for you to deal with on a daily basis. I get it that it sucks workin' in a nursing home. You are overworked and understaffed. But I gotta tell ya, it ain't cool when I get a call from the ER at 6am tellin' me my Daddy is totally unresponsive 'cause you loaded him up with Ativan and Oxycodone to keep him still and quiet through the night so you could watch the late, late show or shop on QVC. Uh yeah bitch, ya coulda killed him. So instead, he had to spend 3 nights in the ICU, getting drugs to counteract the overdose, and more dialysis to flush the drugs outta his system.

Girl, you really need to get to know your customers better. For instance, where were you Saturday morning when I suffered severe pain from Ulthera treatment????? Ya see, I got jowls I wanted tightened and toned so Uncle Jeffy signed me up to be a guinea pig at his office for this new ultrasonic energy therapy guaranteed to make my skin look as youthful as the day I was born. Yes, I was premedicated with Xanax and another pain pill, but if you are givin' those suckers out like candy, bring 'em on sista!!!! Don't waste 'em on my elderly father who isn't even havin' pain, but is just a pain in your back side. Give 'em to someone who would really appreciate them!!! Lemme tell ya, it freakin' hurts like hell to look like Joan Rivers, but I'm willin' to suffer for the ultimate result. I was squeezin' stress balls in each hand, moanin' and groanin', and even screamed for mercy at one point during the treatment. But you weren't there to snow me into oblivion. Oh no, you just wanna make your job easier by gorking out the old folks.

Plus, I hear those puppies go for some serious bucks on the street. I got two kids to send through college and I'm always lookin' for creative ways to maximize their college fund. I'm thinkin' all of those drugs ya pumped through my Dad's system woulda gone for a couple of grand on the street. Did ya even think about that?  Instead of community college, my boys coulda gone to a state school with the money I coulda earned from sellin' some of those coveted beauties. So to you night shift nurse, I'm giving you this gift from my friend My Half Assed Life 'cause you deserve it.
Images via Google Images

Friday, February 15, 2013

Post #300

DANG, this is the third time Willard Scott has come to my door 'cause today is my 300th blog post. WHOO HOO!!! I must say I still haven't gotten used to that dude ringin' my doorbell or seein' my picture on that Smucker's jar. Maybe by the time I hit the 1,000th post the hoopla will become old hat.

So today in celebration of the big event, I thought I would entertain you with my answers to some of the questions the delightfully hilarious, and always entertaining Menopausal Mother has challenged me with. Sure hope I can make her proud, as well as give y'all some more insight into who I really am. Here goes:

Where were you born?
Between my Mama's legs, and believe me,  it wasn't purty.
If you have children, how many do you have?
Two boys, affectionately nicknamed Yale and Jail.
How many pets do you have?
One crazy yellow lab named Casey. Good thang she's cute 'cause there ain't much between the ears.
Your worst injury?
One time after a few too many shots of  Botox I got the dreaded eye droop, so I looked like I either had Bell's Palsy, or like I was perpetually drunk for a couple of weeks. Not one to be deterred from a more youthful appearance, I'm still a faithful user of that glorious poison.
Do you have a special talent?
I can fart loud enough to break the sound barrier.
Would you bungee jump?
Only after Ryan Reynolds made sweet passionate love to me so that I was literally taking my victory swan dive. 
What is the first thing you notice about people?
Whether they are full of shit or not. My gut instinct is usually right on.
Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
Debosas (champagne with a splash of mimosa), Cabernet and Sauvignon Blanc. Hope you weren't expectin' somethin' boring like water.
What song do you want played at your funeral?
First of all, my funeral will be termed a life celebration 'cause I want my friends to have a rockin' good time when they remember me. So, several years ago I started keepin' a list of all songs I want played at the big PAR-TAY. It's up to 3 pages long right now and includes everything from "Boogie Shoes" by KC & The Sunshine Band to "I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas.
What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I hold a grudge FOREVAH. I'm still pissed at some bitch from middle school who wouldn't help me one day when I threw up in the bathroom.
What do you look for in a friend?
Someone who doesn't have a stick up their ass and knows how to have F-U-N.
What's the last thing that made you laugh?
My answer to the talent question, because sadly it's true. Ask the poor dudes who have the pleasure of livin' with me.

Image via Google Images


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day

Ain't that the truth? Best to pop a frozen Stouffer's lasagna in the oven and call it a night.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Here Comes the Judge

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today I'm takin' ya out to Michigan for a story about a legal eagle who gives a whole new meaning to the term "laying down the law". It appears Judge Wade McCree was suspended by the Michigan Supreme Court for having a relationship with a woman whose child support case was pending in his court. WHOO WEE, the verdict is still out, but rumor has it the Judge was doin' some illegal use of the hands and makin' illegal motions. Yeppers, he sure knows how to court a lady hey?  Be that as it may, the ball was definitely in his court until he got caught.
Back in October the high court reprimanded Judge McCree for misconduct for sending a shirtless photo of himself to a female court employee. Judging by his awesome pecs, I would say the dude works out a bit. What kind of exercises do ya think the judge performs at the gym to get so ripped? The jury is still out, but maybe his own version of a full court press?
Good news is we certainly don't need a jury of our peers to determine what this Judge wears under his robe. When he's not disrobing for the camera, this law man is a brief kinda guy.
Story: Here

Monday, February 11, 2013

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Well, the Grammys were last night and the music folks were out in high fashion this year. I must say I'm sorely disappointed 'cause in year's past the Grammys were THE place where you could really see the weird and wacky. But this year the powers that be laid down the law and sent out a memo to presenters and performers banning side boob, buttocks and butt cracks. WTH????? The show isn't really worth watchin' unless ya get a sneak peak of Lady Gaga's tit or Lil Wayne's ass. So, my apologies for not havin' such great material to work with today, but I'll give ya the best the Grammys had to offer. Shame on them for tryin' to go all high class.
Rihanna is red hot beeeeeautiful!!!!
This Grecian style dress flattens out Taylor Swift's supposed new implants. If ya got 'em, flaunt 'em girl!!!
 Riff Raff's name defines his style.
 J Lo, the woman who inspired the memo, pushin' the envelope.
Adele gives a whole new meaning to the term Big Poppy, but she sure ain't no David Ortiz 'cause she  did not hit it outta the ballpark.
I hate to tell ya Florence but T Rex has been extinct for a few million years.
 Sadly, I think John Mayer borrowed my 1979 prom date's purple jacket.
 Janelee Monae, the matador, came fresh from a bull fight. Ole!!!
 Wiz Khalifa demonstrates what can happen if a zebra smokes crack.
Forget the memo, Alicia Keys' underboob is on fire!!!! 
Images via Google Images


Saturday, February 9, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

The U.S. Postal Service will cease delivering mail on Saturdays. Guess whoever came up with the saying, "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds", never heard of email.
Image via Google Image

Friday, February 8, 2013

Oh No it's Camel Toe- Part Deux

Well, well, well my little pervs, I honestly can't tell if you are merely engaging me, or actually feel sorry for my fat ass regarding my last post about my unfortunate incident with camel toe. Judging by the reactions I received via Facebook, text, and the comments here, y'all thought it was purty funny. Lookin' back now it was purty funny, except it happened to me. However, now I don't feel so guilty about my unwanted el bees that have forced me to rock some camel toe like it's my job.
Check out this gem my gorgeous friend Collette sent me. Collette said when she saw it, she immediately thought of me. AAAAAWWWWW ain't that sweet.? Must have been that testimonial in the ad I gave about openin' a beer with my camel toe cup at a bar that clued her in. Except I would be in heaven with a redneck in a Mustang, rather than a Camaro.
So obviously camel toe is an allure to the male species, if ya can trust the feedback from my blogging friends Al Penwasser, Heff, BamaTrav and Dr. Zibbs.  I'm tellin' ya ladies, if ya wanna go hog wild some night, this handy dandy invention is just the thang to attract those dudes your way. Hell, several guys at the gym were checkin' out my sweaty nasty crotch the other day when I was sportin' camel toe au naturale, so just imagine what this cup can do for you in real clothes. Get all dolled up with hair and makeup and you will have to beat 'em off with a stick!!! Rumor has it Stephen Hayes, Adam and Andrew Leon are more the conservative type and prefer the "mild" gauge, but I'm thinkin' if you're gonna invest in this contraption ya may as well go for the gold and buy the "cougar" model. Size does matter ya know.
Besides the obvious benefits of pickin' up hot, desirable guys like Pat Hatt, A Beer for the Shower, Dezmond, and Optimistic Existentialist, just think of the other perks of this revolutionary new contraption. You could crack walnuts with your cup, open those pesky jelly jars, use it as a money clip, and have a real advantage in mud wrestling when ya got some bitch's head between your legs. Yeppers, the possibilities are endless!!!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Oh No it's Camel Toe

It's Wacky Wednesday time again, and today I might offend some folks, while others might simply shake their heads and say TMI. But y'all will have to forgive me here 'cause I ain't firin' on all cylinders lately. It all started over Christmas when I gained a few extra el bees from all of the holiday indulgences. I was doin' purty well gettin' off the extra weight when my Dad got sick. I'm a serious stress eater so that derailed the diet plan. Then the damn thin mints were delivered and all hell broke loose. Those girl scouts are sneaky little bitches. Lemme tell ya, eatin' a box a day ain't real good for the waist line, and hence, thangs in my closet ain't fittin' the way they used to.

Fairly accurate representation of my workout gear

 Even though I've been waking up in a fog due to lack of sleep worrying about my Dad, I do still try to hit the gym to get the endorphins flowin'. Obviously I didn't give myself the once over in the mirror before I left today, but I did notice a few dudes checkin' out little Lucy. At first I thought I may have had somethin' on my pants, but I found out soon enough what those nasty boys were lookin' at when I went into the ladies room. Glarin' back at me in the full length mirror was my life size camel toe. Holy Shit I could have put a saddle on that sucker and charged admission for rides on my crotch. 

Good news is the incident was a wake up call 'cause I certainly don't wanna end up with a full on moose knuckle. This may be the motivation I need to zip my lip and move my ass. Plus, I only have two, three, four, oh hell who's counting, boxes of thin mints to consume before they are all gone til next year.
So until those unwanted pounds magically melt away, I'm gonna keep pullin' an Erin Andrews and wear pants two sizes too small and rock my camel toe with pride. Hey, that chick does it every week on national TV for college game day and earns a damn good livin' so there must be somethin' to it hey?
Images via Google Images


Monday, February 4, 2013

I'm The Biggest Loser

All smiles pre-party
Not to worry folks. I wasn't a member of either the red or black team, and Jillian Michaels didn't break me down and kick my ass into shape on the ranch. Instead, I was a big fat loser of a different kind. Ya see, every year in Wilmington, North Cackalacky where I live, a local publication named Encore puts out its "Best Of" issue. Readers vote on 100 categories covering everything from best restaurant, best car wash, best spa and even best blog. Last year I won the coveted title of Best Blog 2012, and I'll be damned if I didn't wanna defend my title again this year baby!

You hate me, you really hate me!
So, on Saturday night the top 3 nominees in each category were invited to attend the annual "Best Of" party which is a rockin' good time!!!! A fabulous time was had by all until it was time to announce the WINNAH in my category of Best Blog. Whoever said, "it is an honor just to be nominated" is full of shit. Let's face it folks, everyone wants to hear their name as the WINNAH, 'cause winning is the only thang that matters in life. No one wants to pull a Susan Lucci. When my name was not announced as the Best Blog WINNAH, I felt like the biggest idiot standin' there with all of my friends who came out to cheer me on and support me for the evening. Seriously, who wants to hang out with a loser who has to put on a fake smile and pretend they are happy just to be nominated? So I didn't. Instead, I threw a big ol' temper tantrum and opened up a can of whoop ass on the bastards who now have their name engraved on that prized plaque.

I seriously pulled out all the stops to secure votes in the months prior to the awards ceremony. Short of turnin' tricks, I begged, bribed and bugged my friends to death to get them to vote for me. Hell, I even contacted friends of friends, mere acquaintances, and Uncle Jeffy's co-workers and offered them my next born child if they would cast a vote in my favor. Dang, I had a gut feelin' that I shoulda hit the streets late night and used some other talents to really bring in the votes from a different sort of population. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda hey?
The powers that be were kind enough to inform me that I came in a close second. PUUUULLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE people, close only counts in horseshoes, bocce ball and hand grenades. We ain't playin' those kinda games. We playin' for the "Best Of" and I didn't make the cut. Remember folks, it ain't how ya play the game that counts, it's whether you WIN or lose, and I'm the biggest loser.

For those of you who have been faithful readers of my blog, you know this post was written in jest with my normal weird and wacky humor. Thank you so much to all of my Wilmington friends who voted for my blog and who have supported me this year. YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

Legendary porn star Ron Jeremy is in critical condition with a heart aneurysm. Dang, could the hardest working man in showbiz really go out blowin' an aneurysm when he's famous for gettin' blown on screen? If so, just imagine the dudes lined up for that 10 inch organ donation!!!

Image via Google Images

Friday, February 1, 2013

Not So Finger Lickin' Good

Like most Americans I'm gettin' pumped up for Super Bowl Sunday. Not so much for the game, which is basically just background noise for me, but for the amazing food that is a necessity for the big day. And what would the Super Bowl be without some super sloppy wings? I love me some wings and the whole experience of gettin' the sauce all over my hands and face. That's part of the whole appeal.
However, two fancy schmancy dudes wanna take the fun outta the simple pleasure of eatin' this famous football food by inventing some contraption called Trongs, which is designed to keep your hands clean while eating messy food like chicken wings, ribs or even sushi. Is nuthin' sacred anymore????
Now I dig a practical invention just as much as the next gal. But like I said, its gotta be practical. If ya use these Trong thangs ya won't be able to enjoy redneck leftovers (lickin' your fingers later in the evenin' for those of you who aren't schooled in the art of redneck lingo).
Invention: Here