Craptacular PAR-TAY 2013

The craptacular crap

Yeppers folks, it's that time of the year again. Ya start puttin' away all of the awesome gifts the big ol' fat man got ya for Christmas, and ya just about have your new Kindle Fire and iPhone 5 figured out. But there still sits that one gift. You know the one. The one that was wrapped all fancy and purty, but when you opened it, you thought what the fuck is this piece of crap???? You're lookin' around at your family on Christmas day thinkin' it's a joke, and every one's gonna bust out laughin', but no one does. So, you put on that fake Vanna White smile and wonder who you pissed off this year to deserve somethin' off the WalMart clearance rack.

The craptastic crappers.

 

Not to worry, everybody gets crap. In fact, for many years now I have celebrated this tacky trash with my annual Christmas Crap PAR-TAY the first Saturday after New Year's Day. What a craptacular event indeed!!! You wouldn't believe the shizz people get as gifts. I structure the event like a Chinese ornament exchange where everyone gets a number and you start pickin' from the lot. You can steal someone else's gift or pick another wrapped item. Believe me when I tell ya, one person's trash is another person's treasure.  Oh, and the best part is the story behind how the person came into possession of the actual piece of crap. It's usually a mother in law, co-worker, or some other relative who says, "when I saw this, I immediately thought of you". Oh Yea, that just gives ya the warm and fuzzies.

There I am in my cruise ship track suit my Mom gave me waitin' for my guests to arrive. That young lady with me is the official Christmas Crap mascot named Velour. Obviously she is anatomically correct, and was an actual crap present several years ago. Ain't she gorgeous???

This festive snowman was the highlight of the crap party this year, 'cause he wiggles his little butt to the tune of "Shake Your Groove Thing". He went quickly and was "retired" after two steals. However, the rest of the crap left us all shakin' our heads. Up for grabs were ugly Christmas sweaters, rot gut wine, Dolly Parton CD's, a Russian tea set, a meatloaf maker, cheap ass picture frames, stinky candles, and various other items you wouldn't want under your tree. But definitely, the one present that had us all in stitches was this beauty:

WTF???????

That's me proppin' up Sweetie Pie's head 'cause it popped off when all the crappers were admiring the cherry pie stains on her feet. At least it was clean break. Straight across at the neck. The bitch felt no pain.