Friday, December 27, 2013

Christmas Crap

OK folks, what do you do with that tacky, piece of crap you opened from your Great Aunt Gertrude? Instead of putting it into the Goodwill pile collecting dust until your lazy ass gets around to loadin' up that junk and makin' the run to your local drop off point, why not have a PAR-TAY? I have been havin' a Christmas Crap party for about 10 years where I invite my friends to come and bring the shit they received for Christmas and we all exchange. One gal's trash is certainly another gal's treasure. The stories you hear about who gave who what, and where so and so got this or that is truly a hoot! There is not a dry panty in the house at this soiree!!!
This was my all time favorite crapilicious prize I received several years ago. I had to cat fight for this bad boy, but that bitch knew if she ever wanted to be invited back again she better wave the white flag and give up Santa to the hostess. A little jingle when ya go tinkle just makes my day!! Through the years there were many other craptastic items like meatloaf pans, nose hair trimmers, white zinfandel, ugly picture frames, Land of the Lost videos, and Dolly Parton CD's that the chicks have fought over. I can't wait to see what hot ticket items were unwrapped this year. Of course no long term theme party would be the same without mascots. These gems were actual gifts that were received by seasoned Christmas Crappers, but are now Hall of Fame Christmas Crap Mascots:
Aren't they craptacular?

Friday, December 20, 2013

Elf Gone Bad

Folks I send y'all my deepest apologies for not postin' any pics this holiday season of my Elf on the Shelf performin' all of his silly shenanigans, but it seems that little fella has been kinda tied up lately. I always thought of him as a bit restrained, but I gotta tell ya, when he's not tied down to any particular lady Elf, that dude is quite unrestrained indeed. Yeppers, it appears my Elf found this handy dandy birthday present my friend Heather gave me and has become untied:
Honestly I thought I've seen it all until this mornin' when I woke up, found him hog tied, butt in the air with a candy cane shoved up........ whew the thought of it just leaves me tongue tied. Anyhoo, there is no reason to use restraint any longer with those G rated Elfs for the kiddie poos 'cause there is somethin' much bettah on the market for adults only:
I got a feelin' this gal is a gold medal winnah in the use of Sportsheets! Elfie and his new Ho, Ho, Ho might be bonded together until well after the New Year.

P.S. Heather and Chris, I hope you can appreciate my twisted and sick humor on your contributions to this post.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Christmas Card Time

If you haven't had time to pose for your annual holiday photo yet, not to worry 'cause I'm here to give ya some clever ideas for you and your loved ones. There's still plenty of time to rush to Walmart and get 'em printed.
 Man in drag, woman, preggers or just robust?
What is Santa doing with his other hand 'cause Mom seems to like it?
The tank top and Mom jeans that span generations.
I hope Santa brings Dad a razor to shave off his porn star stash.
Mom is more like a devil for puttin' her man in a diaper for all their friends to see.
Who put that doggie in the oven?
I'm stumped!
Images: Here

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Friday, December 13, 2013

A Good Time Was Had By All

I survived my big 50th birthday bash, and I'm here to tell ya, I have the BEST friends on the planet!!! The day started before sunrise with Uncle Jeffey goin' out to his car for work and findin' our house TP'd and full of crap in the front yard. Some crazy chicks put tacky Christmas shit all over the lawn and lined our driveway with empty wine bottles. They were nice enough to put balloons all over the place to at least give the joint a festive flare. Check out the scene of the crime:
Some Indian giver even had the nerve to ask for Mr. Cowboy back. I'm cat fightin' that bitch for him!
They must have gotten their drunk on before they came on over.
How 'bout that gem?
So, after a good laugh I had a Debosa breakfast with friends, got my hair did by my beautiful and talented hairstylist, and then it was off to the PAR-TAY. The crowd was amazing and I was very impressed that so many people showed up on a weeknight during this busy holiday season. In lieu of presents I asked for people to either give me their favorite picture or written memory of me to be placed in a keepsake album. WOW, to read what people think about you while you are still alive is so touching. I was boo hooing all day yesterday. Even though I asked for no presents, I got some damn good swag!!! A bon-bon lady even came and sang me a really cool personalized telegram. For a toast, I wrote this little diddy and entertained the folks in attendance:
I was born waaaaay back in the year 1963
Some of you young’uns probably think my Mama had to squat by a tree
I couldn’t imagine bein’ old when I was a young tyke 
So I’m here to tell ya, this is what 50 looks like
Wrinkles would cover my face like a prune if it wasn’t for the beauty of Botox
And every single month I get full grey coverage with professional Clorox
Just getting up from a chair causes me to hurt
Probably because I’m old as dirt
When you tell someone your age, they all want to take a jab
Like going to the gym is no longer working out, it’s called rehab
When I take off my bra my tits fall down to my waist
Oh well, at least I’ve always had good taste
‘Cause the best thing I ever did was marry a guy named Jeff
After livin’ with me the poor dude has gone deaf
My biggest regret is waitin’ so long and I still don’t have an empty nest
Whew, anybody my age will tell ya that puts your mind to the test
But don’t worry about me folks ‘cause I ain’t got no tears
I’ve done a lot of damn good livin’ in these  50 years
It’s so awesome to have friends like all of you
And you all know I like very, very few
By now I’ve earned the right to flip assholes the bird
Really, I don't need to say another word
As I look back on my life I think its been better than just plain old nifty
So everybody raise your glass, ‘cause today I’m fucking fifty! 
As the group thinned out, my gorgeous friend Heather taught me some classic Tina Turner moves to "Proud Mary".  I'm quite sure the bald dude at the bar had some amazing dreams about Heather shakin' her money maker! I did attempt to twerk with the uber talented Hot Tamale but I was no match for her. And of course no birthday celebration would be complete without gettin' liquored up and dancin' with your man to your college theme song. "Take Me Home Country Roads" Baby:
Photo: This is some West Virginia lovin' for sure. Happy to be a part of Deb's 50 and Fierce celebration.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

50 and Fierce

Look who is 50 and Fierce today. WHOO HOO!!!! So many people have asked me if I'm OK, if I'm sad, if I need antidepressants, if I need to see a therapist? While I appreciate everyone's concern, my midlife crisis and accompanying mental breakdown occurred at the thought of turning 40. Been there, done that, completely over it, and have been seeing a therapist for quite a few years thank you very much!!!! Honestly, I am totally excited about being fifty and joining the ranks of awesomeness, mostly because now I get a free donut with my coffee. America Runs on Dunkin' baby. Put the Hell to the Yea people:
 Photo: FINALLY!!!! Now I get a free donut with my coffee. WHOOP WHOOP!!!!!
Tonight I'm hosting a small gathering at a local watering hole for about 80 of my closest friends. The playlist includes several songs with the word "Boogie" in them. "I wanna put on, My, My, My, My Boogie Shoes and Boogie with you"!!! When the overhang clears I'll be sure to post some pics. Now rumor has it some crazy girls are gettin' this day started with a few Debosas. CHEERS to all of you for hangin' in there with my weird and wackiness!

Friday, December 6, 2013

As Seen on TV

Well folks, only 19 more days til Christmas, but who's counting right? If you haven't finished your shopping yet, you can get some awesome ideas for just 'bout everybody on your Christmas list just by watchin' TV. Here are a few gems fer ya:
Want that perfect potato every time?
Don't have to mess with grit and grime.
Not too soggy, not too dry,
Give Potato Express a try.
The hands free binoculars that look like sunglasses.
You don't have to tell anybody to move their asses!
'Cause you can see 300 times better than the naked eye,
The thangs you gonna see- Oh, My, My!!!!
Can't stand another hot, sleepless night? 
You wake up in a sweaty fright.
Put this cold pack in your pillow and chill.
Sleep like a baby you certainly will!
No need to exercise or restrict your food.
Why that would be downright lewd!
Just put on this miracle belt
And watch your belly fat melt.
The safe and effective way to remove ear wax.
If you order now you may not even pay tax!
Love that screaming on the TV ad
What a damn wimpy Dad!
Order: Here

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Bucket List Complete

I have returned from the Big Apple, thawed out from freezing my ass off, dug out from mountains of laundry, and finally have a spare moment to post a few pics from my trip. You may remember that I told y'all that attending the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was the #1 item on my bucket list. Well, it was everything I hoped it would be, and I even had the big O a few times over some of my favorite balloons. As an aside, my 13 year old and I actually got kicked out of a taxi 'cause we were standing on the wrong side of the street tryin' to go downtown and the cab was goin' uptown. Yep, the cabbie told me "you need to cross the street lady" and he opened the door and threw our asses out. How 'bout them apples???? I think it takes serious talent to get thrown outta a NYC cab and I'm proud to be one of the select few.
View from our hotel.
Statute of Liberty dude we stiffed 'cause we didn't have 5 bucks cash to pay him for the privilege of the pic.
Hip Hop ice dancer at Rockefeller center. My kids are in the foreground.
Macy's store front window.
Me up in lights.
Snoopy being blown up.
Start of the parade.
Santa's elves.
My $20 Broadway wine tumbler.
Bucket list complete!!!!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Live From New York, It's the Macy's Day Parade

Today I depart for the Big Apple to fulfill one of my lifelong goals: to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live and in person. I've wanted to go to the parade since I was a little kid, and what a more perfect time to do so than a couple of weeks before I turn the big 5-0. For the past 30 years or so I have had a ritual on Thanksgiving morning. As soon as the parade starts at 9am, I pop open the champagne, claim my spot in front of the TV, and write out my Christmas cards while watching all the balloons, bands, rockettes, and stars go by. Believe me, by the time I hit the middle of the alphabet in my address book, the words are a bit slurred on the envelope. Perhaps I should do mailing labels in the future, but that would ruin all my fun.

Anyhoo, this year my fat ass is gonna be on the streets of NYC at 6am among the masses just waitin' for the action to start. My luck I'll probably pass out or pee my pants from the excitement of it all. As this is the #1 item on my bucket list, after Thursday I can truly die a happy woman 'cause my life will be totally complete. How many people can say that?

I'll be back with y'all next week with pictures from my trip. If you happen to tune in to the parade, I'll be the unruly chick screamin' and shoutin' one block back from Times Square who is probably bein' tasered by the law dogs when the Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo balloons pass by.

P.S. If you are on my Christmas card list, your card is gonna be REAL late this year.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Nice Rack!

Ladies, ya gotta check out this new bra called the wine rack
You may not be well endowed, but in alcohol, you will never lack.
Fill 'er up with 25 ounces of your favorite libation
All day long you will feel like you are on vacation!
Selling on Amazon for only $29.95
This bra will surely make you feel alive!
Perfect to slip under your business suit to work
Especially when your boss is being a jerk.
All ya gotta do is reach inside and pull at your nip
Take out the tube and enjoy a good long sip.
Stuck at home all day with the kids screamin' and yelpin'?
I know a lotta Mamas this hidden gem is gonna be helpin'!
No need to pay those corkage fees next time you go out to dine
Hah, no one will even know you brought your own wine!
If hubby comes home pouting 'cause he had a bad day
Offer him a swig and watch his troubles magically go away.
Obviously this bra is a win/win
Not buying one today would be a sin.
Thank you to my friend Tina, with a nice big rack of her own, for sending me this blogworthy material!

Buy: Here

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Bathroom Humor

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and if you are in need of a little extra cash this holiday season here is a shitty job you can apply for. Michael Li, posted an ad on Craigslist saying he needs a partner and copywriter for his business All ya gotta do is be willing to give the straight poop on the conditions of some public restrooms. Gee whiz, sounds purty good to me, 'cause who ya gonna piss off in that job?
I shit you not, candidates just need to submit humorous reviews of public NY shithouses that are creative, helpful, and slightly disgusting. Anyone who makes him laugh gets 20 bucks, and the Whiz Kid gets the gig at 100 smackeroos a day to keep the reviews a comin' just like explosive diarrhea. Anyone with shit for brains should apply 'cause even if ya do a piss poor job, you can still call the place a dump and maybe earn a giggle from Mr. Li.

Even though it's a crap shoot whether or not you would actually get the job, why not take a whiz at it? So go on, quit stalling for time, shit or get off the pot!

Story: Here

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bad Reputation

Dang, Joan Jett was kicked off the South Dakota float in New York's iconic Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade due to her vegetarian lifestyle and because she has a Bad Reputation for being an outspoken PETA activist. Apparently, South Dakota is heavily reliant on agriculture and livestock production so Ms. Jett will switch to another float and focus on the entertainment value of the event. Ain't that a Cherry Bomb?

Since I will be attending the parade this year as the #1 item on my bucket list, I gotta tell ya Joan, I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL and I certainly do not Hate Myself For Loving You just 'cause you don't eat meat and I prefer a big, fat, greasy cheeseburger. Sometimes Love Hurts girl, but stay true to yourself and you can Love Me Two Times from some tree hugger float. See ya in the Big Apple!

Story: Here