Monday, December 31, 2012

HELLO 2013!!

It's New Year's Eve, the biggest drunk fest of the year. WHOO HOO!!! Bring on the party hats, noise makers, champagne, strippers and midgets!!! Hells Yea, be sure to kick 2012 to the curb and ring in the New Year in style.

Ya know, ya hear so much jibber jabber about new year's resolutions, but as we all know, most of those are complete failures. I witness it myself. January is a hotbed for energetic newbies at the gym hoggin' up all the good cardio machines, only to see them drop like flies in February. By March, the gym is back to the same hard core old timers. Unless you are willing to make a lifestyle change, it ain't gonna happen with a resolution to lose 20 l bees.

After many failed resolutions myself, I wised up several years ago and made new year's themes instead. I meditate on the theme as much as I can through out the year so it stays fresh in my mind. When your mind is set to a daily intention, you are more apt to bring about the action. And, I'll be daggone, this shizz really works!!! For instance, 2 years ago my theme was "git 'er dun in twenty, one, one". That encompassed a whole host of things from cleaning out messy closets, buying sexy lingerie, to checking off things on my bucket list. Last year my theme was "pursue what you are meant to do in twenty, one, two". I really focused on blogging and improving my writing style. As a result, I became more disciplined and comfortable with my writing, and I won a local blogging award.

This year I decided on "success will come to me in twenty, one, three". As I've gotten older I've redefined my meaning of success. When I was a young whipper snapper, I thought success was a mansion and a fancy schmancy car. However, success to me now means good health and happiness. Every day that I can get out of bed and exercise without breaking a hip I start chanting that famous cheer from my high school days, "S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that is how we spell success". Anything extra is the cherry on top of my sundae. Funny thing is, those cherries are startin' to pile up already so I better start chowin' down on my ice cream.

Seriously folks, give the theme a try. You can substitute any word in place of "success" this year for whatever you want to bring into your life. Perhaps it's love, good fortune, a new rack, a crack ho, whatever, there's no judgment here. Just be careful what you wish for, 'cause I hear them crack ho's are real crazy bitches!!!



Friday, December 28, 2012

Party Crashers

Yeppers folks, in addition to "redneck", "crazy bitch", and "road rager", I can now add "party crasher" to my resume. Ya know, I never really thought of myself as rude, nor would I ever dare go to a soiree uninvited, but I'll be dang on if I didn't check off both of those things on the most magical night of the year. Ya see, on Dec. 23rd I received a text message from my neighbor Loopy Lu that read:

Christmas Eve- having our casual get together anytime after 8 feel free to come by! Merry Christmas.
 
Since I love me some Loopy Lu, I was trying to restructure our already busy day so we could fit in this new invitation. So here was the plan: Lounge around in PJ's all day; requisite nap around noon; shower; do hair and makeup; rearrange fabulous family dinner to 5:30pm; open up one gift per family member, which is our annual Christmas Eve tradition; go to my friend rockin' Robin's house for some kick ass wine; then cap off the night at Loopy Lu's. Yes it seemed busy, but Uncle Jeffy and I decided, even though we are old as dirt, we ain't dead yet. So, bring on the challenge!!! It was Christmas Eve for Gawd's sake.
 
Everything went along swimmingly and according to plan. We got home from rockin' Robin's house about 9pm, grabbed our bottle of champagne to take to Loopy Lu's as a hostess gift, and started the long, treacherous walk all the way across the street to her house. We could smell the delicious aroma of food in the crisp, cool air as soon as we left our humble abode. Another 10 steps and we were ringin' the doorbell. Her daughter and another lady answered the door and looked quite surprised to see us. I looked to the right, and to MY surprise, there were like 20 people sittin' around the gorgeous dining room table havin' an obvious fancy schmancy dinner. Loopy Lu gets up from her seat and says to me and Uncle Jeffy, "Did we say Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve"? HOLY CRAP!!!!!!
 
Uh, obviously, we were there at the wrong place and time 'cause this was no casual get together, but rather a formal dinner PAR-TAY, in which we were not on the invite list. Honestly, if the floor could have opened, I would have gladly slipped on through. Ever so gracious, Loopy Lu asked if we had eaten, but even rednecks know their place, and our place was not at this swanky event, but rather to take our sorry asses outta there ASAP.
 
We laughed all the way home, and made fun of our faux pas sayin' at least we didn't get kicked out of the joint like those White House party crashers. We held our heads up high and walked out on our own thank you very much!!! Poor Loopy Lu was so embarrassed when she checked her text messages and realized her mistake. Apparently I was the only person who received a text that invited me on Christmas Eve, instead of New Year's Eve. I'm so very special. Hey, I did at least leave the hostess gift so now they have a bottle of bubbly to ring in the New Year. It was the neighborly thang to do.
 
Images via Google Images
 
 
 
 


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

2012 Redneck Recap

It's the last Wacky Wednesday of the year folks, and I thought I would give you my redneck recap of the top 10 wackiest people, news stories, or just plain ol' wacky things that made us laugh in 2012.

10.  Early in the year we were introduced to the revolutionary new Tug Toner, guaranteed to make you lose inches the hard way.

9. The oh so fashionable Japanese underwear skirts that leave little to the imagination.

8. Because the "Real Housewives" wasn't trashy enough, we got a taste of Italy with "Mob Wives" and Big Ang.

7. Now that's a ballsy news story.
 

6. The hot dog hooker. Instead of just schlepping the basic hot dog and fry combo out of her food truck, she is willing to lick the relish off your wiener for a mere 50 bucks.

5. Octomom turns to porn to put food on the table for her brood.
 
 
4. The face eating Zombie from Florida who couldn't wait til the apocalypse on December 21st like the rest of the world. He had to ingest bath salts and get ahead of the curve back in June.
 
3. Gangnam Style. The dance craze that has rocked the world!
 
2. The tanning mom. She passed healthy glow a few sessions back, and now has a face to match her new leather handbag.
 
And the #1 wackiest event to hit the trailer park scene this year, HAS to go to:
 
1. Honey Boo Boo. You better redneckognize and pass the pork rinds and cheese balls. I need a dollar to make me holler baby!!!
 
Images via Google Images
 





Monday, December 24, 2012

Ho Ho Ho Hobo

Here's an oldie, but goodie, to get ya in the holiday spirit:
 
 
I got some bad news for ya folks. Some REAL BAD news!!!!!! Santa ain't comin' to town. It seems jolly old St. Nick has fallen on some hard times. As you can see, his cheeks don't have that rosy glow anymore, and he's lost quite a bit of weight. My son Conner and I chased him down on his bicycle at this gas station where he was buyin' some smokes.

Yea, Santa came to Wilmington back in the summer for vacation and that is where things turned ugly. Mrs. Claus done left him for a horny elf, and none of the reindeer could stand the damn heat and humidity, so they flew on back north leavin' him high and dry without a sleigh. The Mrs. cleaned out their life savings, and from what I hear, she and the elf are shackin' up somewhere in Cabo.


And that sweet pad he used to have up at The North Pole? That went into foreclosure and he now lives in this dilapidated truck behind a dry cleaners in Wilmington. I'm quite sure most of his meals come from the dumpster belonging to the restaurant next door. He no longer has children sit in his lap telling him their Christmas wishes. Instead, he sits in that chair and asks for handouts.

So my advice to all of you who want your Kindle Fires, IPads, iPhone5's, etc., ya better get yourself a sugar daddy or sugar momma real damn quick 'cause the old fat man ain't comin' down your chimney this year. However, if you are in the market for a velvet Elvis, a singin' fish (batteries not included) or an old can of Crisco, you can buy that right outta the back of Santa's truck. The deals are freakin' AMAZING!!!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Sure hope you opened at least one present early, just in case it's your last.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Fulfillin' My Dreams


Hey folks, does anyone know what time the world is supposed to end tomorrow? I have crucial plans to get my hair did at 10am, and there ain't no way in hell I'm goin' to the next phase of my life with all these gray hairs sproutin' all over my head. I need my monthly color and highlights ya know before I will feel truly comfortable. Otherwise, when I'm taken I'll be in that unsettled middle place where I'll be wanderin' around what's left of this earth spookin' any survivors with my ghostly apparition.

So how are all of you spending your last day on the planet? Are you using your time wisely, or are you not payin' much attention to the matter and goin' on with your life as usual?


As for me, yesterday I got a facial 'cause I thought my skin should look nice and purty when I meet my maker. And since today is supposedly my last day of livin', I'm gonna do it up right and fulfill all of my unfilled fantasies. I'm hittin' the social media sites to try to set up a threesome with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I figure I got nuthin' to lose since a big ol' asteroid is gonna destroy the earth tomorrow, so if I'm humiliated, who cares? I'm also puttin' out the feelers for uber hot Ryan Reynolds. Ya know my life long fantasy is to be a cougar, and I can't think of a more perfect cub to make me MEOW like a big ol' kitty cat during my last and final romp.

I got all of my favorite Kid Rock songs loaded and ready to play, and my very favorite wine, Swanson Alexis, will be my drink of choice to lick off Ryan's rock hard abs later tonight. He looks more like a beer kinda guy though, but maybe he will indulge me.

Now as I'm waitin' for my suitors to come a callin', I thought I would go ahead and fulfill another lifelong dream, that being to dress up as a restaurant mascot for a few hours and have a helluva good time cavorting with the customers. Since nobody would know who I was, just imagine the kind of trouble I could drum up inside that giant purple suit.

So folks, if this is indeed your final 24 hours, I hope you do something grand and make it a day to remember!  Assuming those deliciously naughty boys take off my handcuffs and restraints, I would so enjoy reading your comments on how you plan to spend your last day on this here earth of ours!!!

Images via Google Images

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Bring on the Pork Rinds!

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and just when you thought you needed to loosen the ol' belt a notch or two from all of your holiday indulgences, we now discover that obesity tops hunger as the world's biggest food problem. Now that's a weighty issue fo' sho!!!

It's true!!! Global health data shows that the years of life lost from obesity outnumber those lost by hunger. What's more, obesity is a problem in all countries except sub-Saharan Africa. Story Here DANG, and I just thought Americans were the king of porkers. So, as I was ponderin' this problem, I really think my buddy Wayne hit the nail on the head with the idea of a telethon to help bring awareness to the issue. Who knows, maybe even a cure will be found other than the obvious zip your lip and move your ass remedy.

Yes, as the world watches with an industrial size bag of pork rinds between our legs and a 2 pounder of peanut M & M's for dessert, a few portly stars will man the phones so we can relate to their plight. John Goodman, Rosie O'Donnell, Jack Black and Gabourey Sidibe could all make tearful pleas for money, sayin' they didn't become obese on purpose, but rather the pressure of Hollywood and its many opportunities for the In-N-Out Burger chain led them to overeat. 

However, we know there IS hope. Just look at the likes of Al Roker, Star Jones, Randy Jackson and Roseanne Barr who have all had gastric bypass. Go under the knife baby, and voila, the fat just disappears and you shrink to half your former size. Or how about sprinklin' some of that magic fairy dust SENSA on your food which is guaranteed to make you eat less, and hence lose up to 30 pounds in 30 days. Hey, if it's good enough for the Millionaire Matchmaker, it's good enough for me baby. Of course there's always juice cleanses, colonics, and fasts, but who wants to starve themselves and sit on the potty all day when other, more humane methods are so readily available.

Like this wacky form of weight loss I came across while doin' my research for this post. It is a form of acupuncture called ear stapling. Just a simple staple to the piece of cartilage just above and to the left of the tragus portion of the external ear is said to suppress the appetite. Practitioners claim ear stapling works wonders, and with a price tag of only 35 to 60 bucks per ear, whaddya got to lose, except some unwanted l-bees. Research: Here 

So before you do anything drastic like call up that crazy bitch Jillian Michaels who is sure to open up a can of whoop ass on ya, why not try sportin' a fashionable ear staple. It sure looks like it will make a nice accessory to most any outfit, you won't be weigh in over your head with surgical complications, and who knows, you may even hear alien radio signals and communicate with Elvis given that new found piece o' metal in your ear.

And for those of you who may be weigh over budget this year, have no fear. Simply go to your desk drawer, and KA-CHUNK, KA-CHUNK, you can start melting away the pounds.  Warning: you may need some liquid courage before this DIY project!!!!

Images via Google Images



Monday, December 17, 2012

Oooops, They Did it Again.

Tell me folks, how is it that an Oscar nominated actress gets all dressed up for her big movie premiere and forgets her undies? I know it was Les Mis not eatin' for the part, but ya definitely made enough money to buy a thong or two Ms. Hathaway. Those butt flossers go great with every outfit, and cover your vajayjay from pesky paparazzi who just might happen to be at that special event snappin' photos. But you probably didn't even think about that huh? Uh yea, looks like a carefully orchestrated publicity stunt to me. So Anne, next time you want to channel your inner Britney Spears, at least look like a skank, 'cause I hear your short and curlies actually matched the color of the hair on your head. SHAME!!!!!  Story: Here

And how about LeAnn Rimes with the nip slip at a Hollywood party the other night? Obviously, it was a hair raisin' experience from the look of the dude beside her.  Story: Here  However, in my redneck opinion, if you're gonna have a wardrobe malfunction, at least have somethin' to show for it:

See, that's what I'm talkin' about folks!!!! Now THAT is a nip worth slippin'. If ya got it, flaunt it. You go Nancy Grace!!!!  Anorexic flat chested LeAnn ain't got nuthin' on you girl. Picture: Here



Friday, December 14, 2012

A Boy and His Truck

Folks, you know I rarely write sentimental posts, but 'tis the season as they say. There is my now 17 year old son, Conner, pictured with his brand new truck. That picture was taken over a year and a half ago when Uncle Jeffy surprised him with this beauty before he was even old enough to drive. Conner named it Clifford, the big red truck, after Clifford the big red dog cartoon, and that baby became my boy's pride and joy!!!!


Unfortunately, last week a Volvo ran a red light going 55 mph, hit Clifford going 8 mph, causing Clifford to spin 180 degrees and flip on its side with Conner inside. A guardian angel was looking over my boy that night 'cause Conner walked away from the accident scene without a scratch. I'm also eternally grateful to Toyota for their amazing durability, seat belts and airbags 'cause Clifford definitely did his job!!! Sadly, Clifford the big red truck, is totalled and did not survive the impact.

As part of an English assignment Conner had to write a poem modeled after a great American poet. Thought y'all might enjoy his rendition. Dare ya not to shed a tear.

A Farewell to Clifford

 
So long, to your cherry red paint
working as mirror when I am in haste.
You left me too soon
and our time was cut short.
So long, to your wonderful gas mileage,
that saved me so much money.
You were my first love
and will always have a special place in my heart.
So long, to the rev of your engine,
a sound that gave me great joy.
I will always remember
the places we've been together.
So long, to your seats
that envelop me in comfort.
You will be hard to replace
but it is a necessary evil.
So long, to all the heads you turn
and the compliments that you get.
We had a good run
that I will always remember.
So long to Clifford,
my first car and my first love.
You saved my life
and I will be forever grateful.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Monkey Business

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and it looks like there was a bit of monkey business goin' on up there in Toronto the other day when a little monkey dressed in an overcoat and a diaper went ape shit runnin' around the parking lot of an IKEA store. That little ape man sure put a monkey wrench in people's shopping plans fo' sho!!!

Apparently this wild thang got loose from a cage in its owners' car and decided to go bananas while lookin' to find a barrel full of monkeys to hang out with while its owners were inside the store shopping. When other folks approached the little feller, it was monkey see, monkey do, 'cause he just kept monkeying around and playing chase. I gotta say I do like his version of the monkey suit much better than the plain ol' boring black and white style everybody else wears. A real trend setter ya might say.

Good news is this little primate has created a social media frenzy, and he has thousands of followers on his new Twitter account. I say he should cash in on his new found celebrity status and start spankin' the monkey, 'cause sex sells baby, sex sells!!!!!!!

Story: Here

Monday, December 10, 2012

Kookie Kardashian Cookies

This past Saturday was one of my favorite holiday events of the year-Dirty DIAAAAANA's annual cookie exchange. Believe me, this ain't your Mama's kinda cookie exchange folks. First of all, someone either has to move to China or die before you get on the coveted invite list. I'm proud to say I knocked someone off several years ago in order to score that golden ticket baby. Every year is a theme, and ya better bring your "A game" 'cause these chicks are in it to win it.

The Kardashian Cookie Klan

The theme this year was "Kardashian Family Tree" and you were to come prepared to explain how you fit into that famous family. Of course you also need to bake cookies to exchange with the other 30 ladies, but everyone knows the party ain't about the damn cookies. As expected, there were several Kims with ample assets, a Kris, a couple of Roberts and loser Scotts, the requisite paparazzi, and a personal trainer of course. A plastic surgeon named Dr. Ivanta Bigrack, from Austria, even made a special appearance to put to rest those nasty rumors about whether or not Kim had butt implants. Although there was no foreign material seen on the x-ray, he concluded that previous intermittent penetration from non-USA citizens could not be excluded.

Now lemme tell ya, several chicks got really creative this year, thought outside the box and really nailed it!!! For example, one woman strapped a cooler to her ass and filled it with pictures of all of Kim's ex's to depict "junk in the truck". Elvis was even there to stir the pot about Khloe's paternity. However, some might say other folks were smokin' a little too much ganja when they were thinkin' up their little skit, 'cause anyone ever hear of Kris Kardashian havin' an affair with Bob Marley and producin' 3 illegitimate kids? Uh Yea, neither has anyone else in the world. Or how about Kate Middleton actually bein' the offspring of Robert Kardashian and Kate's Mum after a one night stand? Someone was eatin' some kookie cookies fo' sho!!!!! Good thang it's all in good fun hey?


Now even though I wasn't the only OJ Simpson at the PAR-TAY, I did manage to pull out 3rd place with this little diddy:


Yo, I'm OJ Simpson, a famous football player.

Some say Kris Jenner and I had an affair.
We was best friends back in the day.
As for foolin' around, I ain't gonna say.
Rumor has it, I'm Khloe's biological Dad.
I've been called worse, so that ain't so bad.
I'm takin' the 5th on how I fit into the Kardashian family tree.

But it don't take no genius for your eyes to see,
That Khloe don't look like the rest of the clan.
Hell, that chick kinda look like a man.
Remember her "Dad" Robert was my attorney in that famous case.
On those murder charges he was the dream team ace.
'Cause if the glove don't fit,

Ya gotta acquit!
But now I'm doin' hard time for some trouble in sin city.
When I drop the soap, there ain't no time for bein' witty.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Anyone with a December birthday, like me, can relate to this: the stupid ass combo gift wrapped in Christmas paper; no birthday party 'cause it's too close to Christmas; and my all time favorite "we'll celebrate your birthday after Christmas". Well folks now that I'm an adult and able to plan my own PAR-TAY, Jesus' big day ain't got nuthin' on mine. I'll be 29 again this Tuesday. Alert the authorities.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Keep Calm This Christmas

Is anyone feelin' a bit overwhelmed preparing for the holiday season? Trying to pick out the perfect gift for all of your loved ones, puttin' on your best game face for the dreaded office party, the cooking, the baking, and bein' forced to sit with creepy Uncle Eddie at the kid's table who just got released from the big house is enough to make anyone blow a gasket. But folks I'm tellin' ya, ya gotta breathe. Just take a deep breath and stay calm. Seriously, it ain't bad enough to slit your wrists over.


Unfortunately, this little feller here failed to get the memo. He was so stressed out bein' the early bird catchin' the worm every damn day that he decided to end it all before Santa came to his tree to leave a big juicy earthworm in his nest. Yeppers, my boys and I were sittin' on the couch the other mornin', and BAM, along came Mr. Wren slammin' into our front door. Thank God he wasn't a suicide bomber with 10 pounds of T&T strapped to his chest or my family woulda been blown to smithereens. Instead, he just took himself out with one last flight straight into the door. POW!!!! Now that's a heck of a swan song hey?
 
So what possibly could have been so stressful to make this fine feathered friend want to be food for worms? Perhaps he caught wind that he was on Santa's naughty list and was gettin' a pet cat for Christmas. Yea, best to go out on your own terms buddy. Smart bird!!!!
 
 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Weekly Wacky Windup

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and since I've been absent for a bit, I thought I would list a few wacky stories that hit the news recently. I apologize to those of you who may have already written about any of these headliners, but I'm just now gettin' my groove back.

I see the Biebs broke out his best formal attire to meet the Prime Minister of Canada who was presenting him with a Diamond Jubilee Medal. Being a huge WVU Mountaineer fan myself, I can tell ya Justin that if ya gonna dress like a redneck, ya need a pinch of chew between your cheek and gum. Oh sorry, guess ya ain't old enough to buy tobacco products hey? What a lameass redneck you are!!! Story Here

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, a few short months after giving birth to her first child. Guess she can kiss that sweet endorsement deal good-bye from Weight Watchers, 'cause those 60 lbs she lost are just waitin' to find their way home on Jessica's thighs, belly and ass. Better stock up on those Weight Watchers' frozen dinners and chocolate cakes now girl before you lose your freebies!!!! Story: Here

Villagers in a tiny Serbian town believe a blood sucking vampire is on the loose, and the town council has warned the locals to put garlic in their pockets and to place wooden crosses in their rooms. Apparently 5 people have recently died in this local community, and the town council does not believe this to be an accident, but rather an act of Serbia's legendary vampire ghost Sava Savanovic. Perhaps these folks have been watchin' a bit too much of Edward, Bella, Jacob and the gang. Story: Here

So everyone is raggin' on Demi Moore, 50, for dating Vito Schnabel, 26, wondering what in the heck they can possibly have to talk about. Well, the important things of course. Like: "Oh baby, that feels SOOOOOOO good"; "OOOOOOHHHHHH I like it when you touch me there sweetie"; or "Faster, faster, don't stop, I'm just about ready to........ AAAAAHHHHH YEAH"!!!! Seriously, is there anything else to say? Story: Here


And last, but certainly not least, Lindsay Lohan punched a psychic in a New York City nightclub who offered to give her a free reading. Uh, remind me nevah to pay for a psychic who isn't in tune enough to know whether I'm comin' at her with an upper cut or a right hook. Plus, how psychic do you have to be to read into Linday's future? I see self destructive behavior, alcohol, drug, and more legal problems ahead in the very near future. Oh, and ironically enough the IRS recently seized Ms. Lohan's bank accounts to satisfy unpaid taxes. DAMN, I always knew I had "the gift". Story: Here


Monday, December 3, 2012

I Survived the Zombie Apocalypse

Well, I'm back folks. Did ya miss me? Not only did I do a helluva job at damage control regarding my parents' myriad of dysfunctional issues for the past week, I actually survived the zombie apocalypse. In case you missed the shit goin' on in my life lately, you can catch up here. I know it's hard to fathom such incredible good fortune happening to just one mortal soul, but I'm tellin' ya it's true. Ya gotta believe me!!!

 After a few days of openin' up a can of whoop ass on my parents for losin' their house and their every last penny on gambling and a variety of scams, I could no longer take the lies, deception, denial and plain ol' craziness that comes with addiction. I could feel the psychoses seepin' into my body and I had to escape back to some sense of normalcy. Honestly, I felt as if I did everything I could for them. Now it's time for my parents to act like grown ups and figure out this situation for themselves.

 So, I woke up at 5am on Saturday morning for the long trip back to North Cackalacky. Now as it was pitch black outside and on the weekend, I really didn't notice the lack of traffic at first. However, when I got to the beltway around Baltimore and there was only me and 5 other cars, I started to suspect something was wrong. Really wrong! Usually, 695 West is packed with traffic headin' into the city. I glanced down at my phone and there were no texts or email, which I also thought was odd. I started to get a bit nervous, but continued on. As I approached D.C., maybe 7 or so other cars appeared, which was highly unusual. The beltway around D.C. is typically a hotbed of traffic in all 6 lanes zoomin' around like it's the Autobahn. That is when I knew for certain that the end of the world happened and I was one of the few survivors along with the other lucky folks on the road with me.

I started to question why. Why in the hell would I be chosen over someone else to live on in this apocalyptic world???? I'm just a Plain Jane, a Joe Schmo, someone who doesn't stand out in a crowd. I mean I don't have any God given talents like singing, painting, athleticism, nor do I play a musical instrument. Furthermore, my professional skill set is severely limited, having chosen to give up a legal career to stay at home with my kids for the past 12 years. As far as physical attributes go, I used to have a great rack, but gravity has taken care of that. I'm quite sure those zombies would want someone much younger whose hooters stand up loud and proud.

But then it hit me. Those damn zombies are warped, and they want somebody around with an equally warped sense of humor. That's why I was spared a quick and easy death. Not only can I take a lickin' but keep on kickin', I can crack a warped and wacky joke about it too. Obviously these zombies who now rule the world want a laugh or two. So, when a hungry zombie bites off someone's arm, I might give it back to the wounded and say, "let me give ya a hand". And when the walking dead rips out a brain, I'll pipe up with the ol' standby,  "guess he gave ya a piece of his mind hey"? Or when that nasty zombie eats someone's lower extremity I can quip, "that zombie's got a leg up on ya now dude". Of course when the undead chows down on a survivor known to be a complete asshole, it will be so easy to say, "butt he made ya do it".

Yeppers, we all have our unique place in this here world of ours, and it looks like I found mine amongst these zombies. One thangs fo' sho though, I'm buyin' some breath mints for the undead 'cause when them zombies laugh, their breath will knock your socks off. WHEW!!!!!!!!

In other news go check out my friend Patt Hatt's new children's book on Amazon The Honk of Zagonk. Read about it Here

Images via Google Images