Monday, November 26, 2012

1-800-Thanks-4-Nuthin'

Do you look at those slot machines and break out in a cold sweat? Does your heart start racin' and your palms start sweatin'? Well, I suppose if you are a die hard gambler all kinds of physical and emotional reactions go on in your body that most of us will probably never understand. Gambling is an addiction, just like drugs and alcohol. Believe me, I'm just sorta figurin' that out first hand. I know I've alluded to my dysfunctional parents in the past. Hell, they put the prefix "dys" in the word functional fo' sho!!! You might say they are a bunch of crazy 8's. Hence the reason I live 8 hours away. However, I learned a looooooong time ago, ya gotta play the hand you're dealt.

Long story short, my parents have a gambling problem amongst several other issues. The gambling, lies, denial, mental illness and a series of bad decisions have all led them to lose their house. They rolled snake eyes too many times and are now totally crapped out, living off a measly social security income, having wagered their entire retirement and second mortgage away in a matter of 2 years. Even though it was a long shot, Uncle Jeffy and I have given them untold amounts of money over the years. You can bet your bottom dollar that was a bad decision as we were just enablers. Unfortunately, I'm an only child, who has been more like a parent to my parental units for over a decade. Things have gotten so bad now that it's time to stage an intervention, and for me to travel to PA to do damage control.

So, Friday night I called the National hot line for Gambler's Anonymous to ask for assistance on how to set up such a come to Jesus meeting for my parents. I mean we are talkin' 70 year old folks who can barely afford to eat, but they gotta go all in to buy lottery tickets hopin' to hit the Mega Millions!!! No one answered so I left a message. Well, it's Monday and I'm still waitin' for my call back. Not one to be deterred, I called on Saturday morning and waited on hold only to hear the nice computer generated voice tell me, "don't worry, your call is crucial, and someone will be with you momentarily". After 10 minutes of that message, the computer told me, "so sorry, there is no volunteer available at this time to take your call, please try again later". Guess everybody decided to take off for the holiday weekend and be shopoholics instead. DAMN, I'm so glad I'm not the one with the gambling problem 'cause we all know those gamblers have the patience of Job. Seriously, can't ya just see that gambler who is holdin' the line waitin' for that support system to tell him not to pull the lever on that one armed bandit or make that call to his bookie. But, when no one is available, that poor dude risks it all, doubles down, and goes for broke.

Yeppers, thanks for nuthin' Gamblers Anonymous. Now I gotta go put on my best poker face and try to call my parents' bluff. Odds are they ain't gonna listen to me. But maybe I'll actually hit a wild card and be able to knock some sense into them. Anyone want to put a wager on that dark horse?

Anyway, please forgive me while I'm in PA dealing with this crap, not writing regularly, and being a bad blogging friend by not reading and commenting on your amazing posts. My chips may be down for awhile, but I haven't folded yet!!!

Images via Google Images

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Friday, November 23, 2012

My Glorious Obsession

I make no secret about my obsession for Anderson Cooper. He and I have a beautiful, amazing life together in my fantasy world. The fact he came out not long ago was a mere set back for me 'cause I just made it my life's mission to turn my man straight. Isn't that every girl's dream? Seriously, if you can convince a dude to come back and play for your team, you are a helluva woman!!!!

So, last weekend my gorgeous friend Heather and I were having more than a few drinks at a local watering hole, when to our great surprise, my future mother in law sat at the far end of the bar. Yeppers, Glorious Gloria Vanderbilt herself was in our little ol' town. I apologize for the poor quality photo, but the pussy of a bartender would not accept Heather's monetary bribe to get a closer vantage point in order for us to get a better shot. Be that as it may, the legendary designer did in fact get up from her seat and walk over my way. Not one to ever be called shy, I struck up a conversation with Anderson's Mama and told her exactly how I felt about her boy. Although she never took off those big ass shades, I knew she was pickin' up what I was puttin' down. Ever so gracious, she explained, that like every mother, she just wants her son to be happy.


DANG Anderson baby can I EVAH make you happy!!!! I'm thinkin' your Mama likes me too. Heck, many successful relationships started on much less than that fo' sho. Just give me one shot at bat Andy and I guarantee ya a home run!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Derby Deb

It's not only Wacky Wednesday folks, but it's the day before the gluttony begins here in the good ol' USA. Have you done your Thanksgiving grocery shopping yet? If not, my advice is to gear up, 'cause I went this weekend, and lemme tell ya, the natives were gettin' restless. It was an all out, knock out drag out, to the check out line!

So before I attempted to enter the grocery store, I got into full on Derby Deb mode. Yeppers, I slipped on the ol' knee pads, elbow pads, head gear, and even donned a pair of brass knuckles in case I needed to take out that SOB who tries to start a fight while we're both reachin' for that coveted can of creamed corn. Good thang I was so prepared 'cause some fools were lobbin' around them Butterball turkeys like they were tennis balls. I swear I saw a frozen turkey whizz by my head just as I ducked for safety behind the ample posterior of some 300 pounder. People were gettin' downright nasty in the produce section 'cause the collard greens were almost all gone. Apparently Kale is not an appropriate substitution. DANG, I just grabbed a bag of cranberries and got the hell outta there! Over in the baking aisle thangs were a little friendlier until some woman realized her kid crushed the graham cracker crust she just put in her cart. Guess that little whipper snapper ain't gettin' no pumpkin pie this year. And don't even get me started on the ladies debating over herbed vs. corn bread Pepperidge Farm Stuffing. So, once I put my tub of Cool Whip in my cart it was time to start bobbin' and weavin' my way over to checkout.

I'm pleased to report that when my big ol' bird is carved tomorrow I will have no battle scars from going into combat. The same can not be said of that crazy bitch who tried to beat me to the last container of pumpkin flavored egg nog. Hopefully her hair stylist was able to do somethin' about that chunk of hair that's now missin' from her head.

Images via Google Images

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

 Debosas will be served at 9am when the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade starts, and will be free flowin' until the tryptophan works its magic.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Christmas Cuties

Well folks it's the week before Thanksgiving and it's crunch time for the ol' Christmas card photos. Have you thought about what unique or special way you will pose your beautiful family this year to show off and send to all 137 of your closest friends around the country? Just in case you are having a brain fart this year and need some inspiration, here are some awesome ideas for you to consider:

The trees that grow together, stay together.
 
Guess those PJ's don't come in men's sizes.
 
The bulk discount blue light special from K-Mart.
 
When Adam and Eve procreated.
 
Now we know how we became grandparents.
 
Quick Mommy, hide Daddy's Christmas present for you from the camera.
 
My kinda folk right there!
 
Those Magic Mike wannabees can make a helluva snowman!
 
Is the kid foreshadowing, or are the Christmas sweaters driving him to the brink of insanity?
 
Thanks Santa, now that's a balloon every little girl can enjoy!
 


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Elmo a Bad Boy!

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks! Today I got disturbing news for ya. Ya know that red, furry monster everybody knows and loves from Sesame Street? Well, turns out Elmo might not be the sweet little innocent guy y'all thought he was. Nope, Elmo a bad boy. Elmo not happy right now. Elmo need a big hug! But be careful if you give Elmo a kiss 'cause Elmo might ask you to play, and he ain't talkin' about on the playground my friends. Elmo a sexual deviant.

Yeppers, Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind the famous Elmo character, has taken a leave of absence from Sesame Street to dispute allegations that he had a sexual relationship with a 16 year old boy. The accuser is now 23 years old, and Mr. Clash claims the relationship was between two consensual adults, and says he is saddened that he is characterizing it as something other than what it was.

I don't know folks, I have always had my suspicions about that red monster with the ping pong balls for eyes. Seriously, that glazed over look and that high pitched voice just reminds me of a sexual predator. Plus, there's somethin' a bit off when you talk about yourself in the third person. And that tickle me Elmo doll gets downright orgasmic from a little tickle to the tummy. All that shakin' and shiverin' from small children rubbin' on your belly ain't normal behavior.

At least with Bert and Ernie and their bromance ya know what your gettin'. And that slutty Miss Piggy always chasin' after Kermit the Frog makes no bones about the object of her affection. Personally I think Big Bird is asexual, and Oscar the grouch is too damn mean to even think about gettin' his rocks off. But, any monster who lives in a fantasy world all his own most days is not to be trusted. I'm tellin' ya folks, keep your kids far, far away from Elmo 'cause I hear the theme song for the new Elmo doll goes somethin' like this:

la la la la la Elmo's world
la la la la la Elmo's world
Elmo loves his butt plugs, his underage boys too
That's Elmo's world!
 
 
Story: Here
             







Monday, November 12, 2012

I Demand a Recount

Now you folks know I tend to keep thangs a bit light and humorous around here, so I have purposely stayed outta those heated political discussions 'cause that just makes the veins pop outta people's heads. But I can stay silent no longer!!! When I heard that LA voters passed Measure B, which mandates condoms on porn sets, I thought it was my patriotic duty to speak out. We are talkin' the nation's porn capital here folks, where 90% of the adult films are made. Now that beautiful, romantic moment when the two star crossed lovers FINALLY decide to make love after a cliff hanging story line is gonna be interrupted with opening up a foil packet. Is nuthin' sacred anymore??????

Just imagine the decline in quality of our entertainment. No longer will we be able to see flesh on flesh, skin to skin contact, or the full 10 inch salami being sunk into that warm toasty bun without  seeing a rim of latex at the base. I fear for our future generations! Will they be resigned to watching old reruns of Jenna Jameson and Lexington Steele movies just to see the pure, raw emotion of porn? And MY GAWD, what about the  money shot??? Will that classic scene now be totally eliminated, or will the condom have to be removed before we viewers get our happy ending? OH THE HORROR!!!!

Please LA voters, I implore you to reconsider the ramifications of this law, or at the very least recount those votes and hopefully restore the sanctity of the porn industry!

Story: Here

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

As a Yankee transplanted to the South, I have had numerous big ol' belly laughs over some of the thangs these Southerners say and do (and I'm sure they get just as many laughs at my expense). When three different people sent me the following video thinkin' it was blog worthy, I just knew I had to share it with all of you. One of the gals is even a born and bred refined southern lady and she can even find the humor in some of this quintessential southern shit that people say 'round these parts. ENJOY:





Friday, November 9, 2012

The Village Idiot

So there's 32 year old Cleveland resident Shena Hardin, who drove on the sidewalk on a daily basis to avoid waiting behind the school bus on her morning commute. Because Ms. Hardin didn't like the ol' stop and go in the mornings, the bus driver contacted the law dogs one day before his route so they would be waitin' for her. In addition, the driver of the magic bus filmed Ms. Hardin's lack of stoppin' in the name of love on his cell phone. Take a minute to check it out:

DANG, that gives bus pass a whole new meaning hey? But, that slick maneuver turned out not to be so idiot proof 'cause the judge sentenced Ms. Hardin to wear a sign at an intersection for two days that reads, "only an idiot drives on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus". Hhhhhmmmm, perhaps next time Ms. Hardin will take the time to stop and smell the roses or do a little stop and shop. Her drivers license has also been suspended for 30 days, so I wonder if she will buy a bus token as her temporary  mode of transportation?

But for right now, this Cleveland community knows fo' sho this chick ain't no idiot/savant, but rather their village idiot needs to ride the short bus.

Story: Here

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

My Wacky Life

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today I thought I would entertain you with a few little funnies I heard this week from my very own family. Sometimes the wackiest, weirdest things happen right in front of our very own eyelashes.

So there's Uncle Jeffy dressed up as The Wizard of Oz for Halloween. A little trick or treater said to him, "are you bald"? He replied, "yes". She said, "OK". Then he looks at me and says, "Damn, even the Wizard gets no respect"!

My 12 year old son Ry Guy was in Spanish class and the teacher asked from what country a certain dialect came from. Ry Guy raised his hand and answered, "Nicaragua". The kid in front of him, who was clearly offended, turned around and said, "WHAT did you just call me"???????

My boys were talking about girls yesterday in the car. I just drove and pretended like I wasn't listening. My 16 year old commented to Ry Guy about this one particular girl, "she's pretty but she's kinda gross". Ry Guy, ever the comedian, replied, "yea, let's just say if Gary Johnson was ever president, her profession would be legal" (one of Gary's presidential promises was to legalize prostitution in case you didn't know).
 



And last, I was at the grocery store buyin' some pumpkin beer to celebrate the season and the African American cashier carded me. I told her she made my decade. Unfortunately, she was hardly amused and replied, "I don't mean to be racist, but you people age different than us". When I handed her my driver's license she looked at my birth date, looked up at me, looked at the date again, looked at me and said, "GIIIIIRRRRLLLLL, you crack my shizz up". Uh yeah, "us people" don't know how to handle that kinda humor so I went home and took a Xanax with my pumpkin beer after that encounter!!!!!

Images via Google Images

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Happy Blogiversary


Happy Blogiversary to me, Happy Blogiversary to me, Happy Blogiversary Dear Just Keepin' It Real Folks, Happy Blogiversary to me! WHOA, I can't believe one year ago today I wrote my very first blog post, not havin' a clue what a blog really was. And now 247 posts later I can actually post pictures and YouTube videos on my blog. That is a monumental milestone for a technology dinosaur such as myself.

I started writin' this blog in response to some of my friends who said, "Deb, you should write a blog 'cause your Facebook posts are so hilarious". Well, I took their advice, set a goal of spreadin' joy through my warped and wacky sense of humor, and here I am today. I obviously don't have thousands of followers, and I don't have corporate sponsors beatin' down my door to advertise on my blog 'cause my page views just ain't blowin' up the charts. However, I do hope I put a smile on the faces of my faithful readers who visit my humble abode. And, if you ever spit out your coffee, or if water comes shootin' through your nose while readin' one of my posts, then I really know I have made you laugh. That, my friends, is the true measure of success!!!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Beauty and the Beast

Awwww who doesn't love Beauty and the Beast? You all the know the story. The beautiful girl realizes beauty is only skin deep, and falls in love with the beast despite the fact that he's been beaten with an ugly stick. Uh yea, well life don't always turn out that way does it? Just ask Jian Feng of China who thought his baby was so butt ugly that he accused his wife of infidelity 'cause he didn't think there was any way in hell he could be the baby daddy. When a paternity test proved the ugly truth that he was indeed the father, his wife came clean and admitted she had over $100,000 worth of plastic surgery done before she met him.
 
Talk about an extreme makeover!!! WHOA, now it was time to face the facts. Mrs. Feng was your classic ugly duckling turned swan. Mr. Feng divorced his wife and sued her for false pretenses for not having a face to face talk with him before the marriage, and duping him into thinking she was beautiful. When they faced off in court it sure was an ugly lawsuit. The judge agreed with Mr. Feng and ordered his ex-wife to pay him $120,000. Mr. Feng did try to save face by saying, "he married his wife out of love, but as soon as they had their daughter they began having problems". He claimed their daughter was so incredibly ugly that she horrified him. How would you like to be that little girl whose father thinks she's coyote ugly?
 

Now I hate to be ugly folks, but it seems to me Mr. Feng is bein' a bit two faced. He says he married his wife for love, but then sues her for bein' ugly? Did he fall face first in love, but then did she scar him for life when it came time to face the music? The whole thang is just an ugly situation.

Well, Mrs. Feng may have lost the lawsuit, but at least she ain't facing doin' any more time with that beast of a husband. She can go on Facebook, put on a happy face and find someone who still lives by the mantra "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Yeppers, it's gonna take a helluva lot more than a facelift to get rid of all of Mr. Feng's scars. And hey, Mrs. Feng got the last laugh after all 'cause obviously her plastic surgeon kept her in stitches!!!!

Thanks goes to my friend Allen for hooking me up with this blog worthy story!

Story: Here

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Friday, November 2, 2012

From Drab to Fab

There ya have it folks. Either under, on top of, or knotted around that nasty 80's inspired bedding is where all of the hot, steamy, sweaty action has occurred for the past 20 years. It never really bothered me much because the rest of my house is so full of color that I call it a crayola crayon box. The bedroom was just sorta like that black sheep of the family that you keep hidden away from the rest of society. But, you know it's time for an update when your redneck husband, who still wears jorts, says, "we gotta get rid of that damn 80's paisley bedspread". Hey, ya don't have to tell me twice mister anti Carson Kressley. I AM ON IT!!!!


I mean look at this shit. Talk about uninviting and drab, drab, drab. The only positive thang I can say about this decor is that it was definitely snoozeville, and we are in the bedroom for Gawd's sake. The bedroom walls had never been painted since the house was built in 1995, so it still had the boring speck paint on the walls. Now as much as I love Uncle Jeffy, the man is cheap. Gettin' him to spend a dollar is like pullin' an impacted molar. He's thinkin' we can slap a coat of paint on the walls, go to Target and buy a new bedspread, and call it a day. Uh, not exactly much of a redo huh? So, after much negotiating and hiding the designer's invoices from el cheapo, we decided we had to keep the furniture and do our best with that restriction. Uncle Jeffy laid down the law and said the deal breaker was gettin' rid of his big ol' bed that he has come to love so much. Okey dokey then.

VOILA!!!! All nice, new, crisp bedding mixing some pricey items with some budget finds. Although the picture doesn't show it, the spec white walls, have been painted a nice tranquil blue. I'm lovin' the custom bench and pillows. Plus, those fancy schmancy curtain like thangs actually close around the bed for some private time. Sorta makes me feel like a queen!
 
And that hideous drab chair and its evil twin have been recovered to create this little sitting area. How about that cute white table I found at a second hand store for 30 bucks?????? I had an artist paint the same pattern on top as the custom bench below the bed.  Sometimes I freakin' amaze myself. But by far my favorite part of the room is:

OH YEA BABY!!!! Just think of the possibilities!!!!!!



Design credit to Shannon Darrough and Lindsey Cheek of Poplin and Queen

At Home Take 2