Saturday, September 29, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Today I thought I would post some real funnies I heard this week straight outta the mouths of my family and friends:

Me: Did you hear Princess Kate is pregnant with twins?
Dirty Diana: I thought she already flashed her twins for a photographer.


In Spanish class a girl sitting next to my 17 year old son says to him: "Who is you lookin' at?"
He replies, "Clearly at someone who needs English class more than Spanish".


I decided to dress like Honey Boo Boo's Mama for Halloween this year. Uncle Jeffy says to me, "where are you gonna get the 3 chins"?

Images via Google Images

Friday, September 28, 2012

Gender Bender

Most of us old timers probably remember the androgynous character named Pat on Saturday Night Live. Well, I was lucky enough to see a real live Pat the other day, and lemme tell ya, I'm still confused by the whole deal. So, on Wacky Wednesday my gorgeous and hilarious friend Hot Tamale and I had a long overdue coffee date to talk about everything under the sun like kids, school, vacations, sex etc. While sipping my pumpkin latte, Hot Tamale informs me there is someone sitting directly behind me who is so androgynous that she can't tell if the person is a male or female. Of course I can't turn around to see for myself 'cause that would be flat out rude. We continue with our lively conversation, and right when Hot Tamale is educating me on the meaning of "carrot crotch" (red pubic hair in case you didn't know), the shemale gets up to go to the bathroom.  The person was quite thin, wearing surgical scrubs, sneakers, and had long hair pulled back in a ponytail.


It all happened so quickly that I didn't think to grab my phone for a photo op or to stalk this person to see what bathroom they went into. However, what did grab my attention was the sideburns on the gender bender. WHOA, for a slightly built, mousy haired person of about 25'ish, she/he was sportin' some serious chops!!!! So, Hot Tamale and I had a conversation that purty much went like this:

Me: WOW, it had nice hair but did you see those huge ass sideburns? I'm thinkin' it's a dude.
HT: Yea, but it's built like a woman in those scrubs.
Me: No tits though.
HT: True but lots of chicks aren't as lucky as us. (Pushes her amazing cleavage together for the full effect)
Me: HaHa maybe she's Greek. Greeks have serious facial hair issues.
HT: (laughs) Even if she was mentally challenged, you would think someone close to her would do something about those nasty ass sideburns.
Me: That's why I'm tellin' ya it's a guy.

So we watch as the shemale exits the coffee shop and walks slowly and deliberately to its car, which is an old model green Jeep Grand Cherokee. How androgynous can ya get there folks??? After checking its phone messages, FINALLY we got our answer:

She flipped down the rear view mirror and carefully applied her lipstick and then rubbed her lips together like every refined lady does. Hot Tamale and I looked at each other and said in unison, "HOLY SHIT, it IS a woman". But I'm here to tell ya folks, the most beautiful shade of lipstick in the world ain't gonna do a thang for ya, if ya don't know the benefits of laser hair removal.

Images via google Images



Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

WHOO HOO it's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today I've got a wacky story for ya outta Texas. When I read this story I couldn't help but start singin' AC/DC's classic song "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap", 'cause this lady caused about $6,000 worth of damage carryin' out a prank, but bought all of her supplies at Walmart. DANG, I'm all about a thrifty shopper, and I got me some folks in mind that deserve to be pranked, so maybe this gal is for hire and I can get my dirty deeds done dirt cheap over here in North Cackalacky. This chick sure knows how to get the most bang outta her buck fo' sho!!

So there's 41 year old Tara Mauney from Colleyville, Texas who has been charged with felony criminal mischief in her role in helping a group of middle schoolers vandalize a neighbor's home using raw chicken, toilet paper and tampons. Police were called to the home of Jodie Rishel and found the entire house covered in toilet paper, two raw chicken halves stuffed into a mailbox, a toilet placed in the driveway, tampons and sanitary napkins soaked in ketchup stuck on the windows, peanut butter smeared on pillars, and the words "sluts", "suck it" and "whore house" written in black sharpie on the home's walls. Ya see how much little Miss Prankster did with so little?

Apparently Ms. Rishel was hosting a sleepover for her 12 year old daughter and some friends, when about 2am, they saw a group of people, including Ms. Mauney running away from the Rishel home. Now believe it or not, security footage from a local Walmart shows the Texas beauty entering the store earlier that evening with a group of 5 middle school age girls and 3 middle school age boys and she purchased three 36 packs of toilet paper and posed for a photo inside the store with the 8 kids.

Girl, first of all, you too high class lookin' to shop at Walmart. You stand out like a sore thumb. Ya gotta blend in with the other Walmartians by redneckanizin' a bit, wearin' your pajama bottoms, proudly displayin' your new ink on some exposed body part, and motorin' through the store on your Hoveround. Second, whatcha thinkin' goin' in that store without a good disguise? Security cameras are everywhere and ya gotta stay on the down low.  It's Walmart for Gawd's sake. You could dress up in one of Lady Gaga's costumes and no one would think it was odd. And damn bitch, NEVAH be posin' for pictures with your partners in crime the same night ya make the hit. That looks real bad in court!!! Next, we gotta get you in shape girl so you can at least run faster than your victims. Tara, ya got potential and ya got mad skillz, but we gotta work on your game before you can come East and start doin' some of my dirty deeds.


Now, one last tip for ya, on your next crime spree, ya might wanna tuck that big Texas hair under a cap or somethin' to avoid bein' recognized. I imagine the hair color says "natural" on the bottle, but your up do may actually glow in the dark honey. Good news is I hear bleach can wipe away fingerprints. Oh and hey, are those Walmart readers? Pretty cool pick up if so.

A big thanks to my friend Jane who sent me this story and thought it was blog worthy.

Story: Here At Home Take 2

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

He's Just Not That Into You

Now I ain't no body language expert, but if I was the smokin' HOT Mila, I might be on the hunt for another boy toy, 'cause it looks to me like Ashton might like a certain other toy more than her. Whatcha think folks? Mila is all pullin' her man in close and kissin' on him but he appears to be more interested in playin' angry birds or somethin'.

Girl, it's time to give that boy the angry bird if ya know what I'm sayin'.
Call me crazy Mila but he just doesn't seem that into you. Looks to me like Ashton wants to escape from your warm embrace. Good news is I hear your old boyfriend of 8 years has hit a dry spell and he could certainly use some lovin':

Yeppers, poor Macaulay Culkin is lookin' like he's goin' Home Alone!!!! 
 

Images via Google Images

Monday, September 24, 2012

Pot Calling the Kettle Black

So has anybody been following the latest Lindsay Lohan/Amanda Bynes drama? Whew, it sure is playin' out like a LifeTime movie of the week that's fo' sho! So, we all know of Lindsay's trouble with the law in the past. She has been arrested for several violations including drug charges, DUI, reckless driving, stealing from a jewelery store and served time in jail for drug charges and for violating her probation. Not exactly a model citizen hey?

But lately the former Nickelodeon tween queen has found herself in a heap of trouble with the law dogs. Even though she famously touted herself as a teetotaler, after a string of recent car accidents she's facing one charge of DUI, two charges of misdemeanor hit and run, texting and driving, and a license suspension. She was also photographed in her car smoking a small pipe. Her car has now been impounded.

So, Ms. Lohan decides to trash Ms. Bynes on Twitter saying, "Why did I get put in jail when a Nickelodeon star has had no punishment so far"? Whew, guess little Miss Lindsay nevah heard of the ol' sayin' "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". 'Cause guess what folks"? I open up the newspaper and what headline do I see? "Lohan charged with leaving scene of New York City accident". Yeppers, just a few days after she threw stones at someone else, Ms. Lohan was arrested in New York at 2:25 am while driving her black Porche through an alley when she clipped a pedestrian and did not stop driving. Now that is some purty damn quick Karma.

However, these two young ladies do have one very important thing in common that they may be able to bond over if they are ever lucky enough to share the same cell in the slammer. They both feel entitled enough to tweet the commander in chief about issues near and dear to their heart. Amanda tweeted Obama back in April requesting that he fire the cop who arrested her. Lindsay has now tweeted the Prez asking for a tax cut for millionaires. Uh yea girls, let us all know how both of those requests work out for ya.

Story: Here


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Since I'm a retired lawyer folks, I felt completely comfortable posting this joke. If ya can't poke fun at yourself, ya ain't no fun at all!!!!

Joke: Here

Friday, September 21, 2012

I'm Super Fly


 I know some of you bloggers have posted that you received some hate mail in the past. That's the price you pay for puttin' your words and thoughts out there on the Internet for all the world to see right? I've received a few hateful emails myself. However, my view has always been that once you receive hate mail, you know you have made it big, 'cause now ya got people hatin' on ya.
 
Now I hate to brag folks, but I REALLY hit the big time 'cause my blog is so fly for a white girl that it has actually been blocked from the United States Air Force computer data base. OH YEA BABY!!!!!! My friend and faithful reader Kelley, who also happens to be a member of the US Air Force, at first just thought it was a computer network attack, but now I'm thinkin' the Lieutenant General must think I'm on the restricted target list because of my weird and wacky sense of humor. That's right folks, I'm a victim of friendly fire. Believe me when I tell ya, I realize that my posts have a tendency to fly off the handle, and sometimes I just fly by the seat of my pants. But, I know I'm popular with the jet set and really that's all that counts.
 
DANG, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the decision was made to put my blog in a holding pattern. I would have gone into fight or flight mode 'cause I ain't no fly by night blogger ya know. I take this shizz seriously. Ya gotta admit, those HOT, handsome airmen deserve a little bit of humor in their day before they do a fly by and defend our country for God's sake. I'm merely tryin' to provide some laughter in their day, and maybe get to fly the friendly skies with one or three of those hunks as a fringe benefit of puttin' a smile on their face.
 
So for all of you fly boys who are readin' this in the privacy of your chambers, if you ever wanna fly me to the moon, I sure hope you won't deviate from the flight plan. Oh and hey, just so ya know, I'm a sucker for a man in uniform so I ain't NEVAH gonna tell ya if your fly is down!!!!

Images Via Google Images

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Hump Day Ha Ha's

WHOO HOO it's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and since I was too lazy to write ya a full fledged post today, I thought I would entertain everybody with some weird and wacky photos I found perusing the web. Hope you enjoy!

Does that comes with a side of hemorrhoid sauce?
 
OOOOOOHHHHHH girl, I can see your pussy.
 
Hey baby, yea I'm REAL happy to hear from you too!!!!
 
Nice back rack!
 
Father of the year.
 
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, this year's winner of the "Mr. Leatherface" contest.
 
Pictures: Here
At Home Take 2

Monday, September 17, 2012

Pam Falls Off the Wagon

Wasn't it just last month when Pamela Anderson was quoted in People magazine as swearing off men and booze during the entire season of Dancing With the Stars All-Star edition? With her self imposed season long celibacy she vowed to rehearse a lot more and try to stay out of trouble because she's a self sabotager. Well folks, the new season has not even premiered yet and it looks like the bodacious blonde has fallen off the wagon on both counts. SHOCKING I KNOW!!!!! Yeppers, it appears Ms. Anderson has her hands caught in the cookie jar there, one curled around an alcoholic beverage and another curled around a hunky stranger.

Apparently Ms. Anderson took a likin' to this fella 'cause they were seen dancin' and partyin' at Miroir Nightclub in Rio a few nights ago. She then tweeted, "Leaving my heart in Rio.. Madness... a blur". The night before this escapade the former Baywatch babe tweeted, "Live in the moment, let yourself be you, embrace everything". Looks like the girl was just takin' her own advice huh? I mean seriously why pretend to be somethin' you just ain't meant to be. No one expects the former Mrs. Tommy Lee and former Mrs. Kid Rock to be a virtuous woman. PUUULEASE, Pamela Anderson and "man ban" go together about as well as Lindsay Lohan and rehab. Plus, it's not like she's gonna win a boat load of money on the show. It's a freakin' trophy for Gawd's sake.

I say screw the mirror ball trophy Pam and go back to plain ol' fashioned screwin'. I'm sure there are plenty of dudes willin' to give ya a first prize trophy in that department. 

Story: Here

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Baby, OH Baby

WHOO WEE, folks sure are goin' nutso over the snapshot Jessica Simpson showed on Katie Couric's talk show on Tuesday of her 4 month old daughter Maxwell, wearing an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, homemade, yellow bikini. Ms. Simpson has been blasted all over the social media sites. Critics on Twitter had this to say:

One wrote: “Jessica Simpson posts a photo of her 4-month-old baby in a BIKINI – wrong wrong wrong.”
Another added: “A baby in a bikini?! Dear God, some people are just wrong!”
A third wrote: “I just saw the most ridiculously posed photo of Jessica Simpson’s baby in a bikini. Just awful. Poor poppet.”

And if that isn't enough, a spokesperson for the British child welfare charity named Kidscape says it is very disturbing to see a young baby wearing a bikini, and that baby bikinis contribute to the sexualization and commercialization of childhood.

Uh, excuse me, but the kid has a mohawk folks. Now THAT is freakin' disturbing!!!!! I'm tellin' ya people, one day things look all sweet and innocent:

But Ms. Simpson is gonna close her eyes and her baby girl just might grow up and decide to take a walk on the wild side:

Take control NOW Jessica before it's too late. Hide the electric razor and the hair gel!!!! Trust me, I got 2 teenagers of my own.

Story: Here
Images via Google Images



Wednesday, September 12, 2012

1, 2, Buckle My Shoe, 3, 4, Hair No More

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks!!!! When I saw this picture from China of these quadruplets' haircuts on their first day of school, I must admit that I peed my pants a bit. Their mother shaved numbers on their heads, according to their birth order, so it would make it easier for teachers and classmates to tell them apart. If this doesn't give those kids a complex, I don't know what will folks. However, ya gotta give Mom credit for a steady hand 'cause those numbers look purty damn good!!! So I decided to write a little rhyme for these young'uns based on their newly shorn locks:

Hey kid number one
You look like lots of fun.
Number one is the best!
You stand out from all the rest.
Plus you don't have to wear those stupid suspenders to keep your pants up.
WHOO HOO, I'll raise a big toast to you on that with my sippy cup.
Hey kid number two
Whatcha gonna do?
You second in line dude.
Look at you chowin' down on that food!
Sucks not to be number one I know.
But dude ya just gotta go with the flow.
Hey kid number three
You should go climb a tree.
'Cause you look bored as hell.
Why don't you give out a big ol' yell.
Ya gotta make your mark somewhere in life.
Pickin' your nails just causes ya strife.
Hey kid number fo',
Bro! you ain't got swag no mo'.
Must be 'cause you last in the peckin' order.
Maybe you should just run south of the border.
Pick up your head and be proud of who you be.
Smile for the camera and the whole world to see!
 
Story: Here
 

At Home Take 2

Monday, September 10, 2012

Party Poopers

WHOO WEE  folks, I'm here to give ya the straight poop on what happened in a popular deli in Lehi, Utah the other day when a mother with shit for brains took her twins and their porta pottys and decided to potty train them right there in the middle of the restaurant. I shit you not, this photo was taken by a lady in the deli and posted on Facebook. The mother obviously didn't give a shit and stripped her twins nekkid right there at the table while they were eating their combo #2. Just look at that cute little thang sittin' there on her potty just mindin' her pees and Q's.

Apparently other patrons at the Thanksgiving Point Deli were pissed off at seeing these whiz kids being potty trained in public, but they were just shit outta luck, 'cause the twins' Momma was obviously too pooped to take them to the restroom. Management received several complaints from customers about the incident, but since they were so busy at the time, they were unable to tell this woman to shit or get off the pot. Let's just hope she was kind enough to give a courtesy flush.

 So maybe the mother was confused and thought her kids were sittin' on the throne at Burger King?
 Or perhaps she thought she ordered the poo poo platter and pot stickers.
 
Either way, this lady must have thought the deli was a dump 'cause she allowed her kids to conduct their own version of dump and run. Hey, shit happens.
 
Thank you so much to my friend Mary who thought this news story was blog worthy.
 
 
Story: Here
Images via Google Images


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack


COMING SOON TO A WALMART NEAR YOU
 
These FABULOUS underwear print skirts that are ALL the rage in Japan.
 
If they make one with Gisele's ass in a bedazzled thong, I'm so rockin' that skirt baby!!!
 
The bookstore browser.
The talented teen singer.
The conservative shopper.
BoHo chic.
The suburban housewife.
Bad girls, Bad girls, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
 
Mindy you are awesome for sending me these gems!!!!


Friday, September 7, 2012

What a Ball Breaker!

Well bust my balls guys, just when you thought Lorena Bobbitt was your worst fear, along comes Joyce Maxine Gregory who threw her ex-boyfriend a curve ball by squeezing his scrotum until one of his testicles dislodged.  I'm thinkin' Lorena is such a wimp having to use a knife to inflict injury upon her man. Joyce plays hard ball by using her bare hands baby!!! Now that gives ball breaker a whole new meaning hey?

There's Ms. Gregory's mug shot from Shelby, North Cackalacky, my home state. The nuts and bolts of the situation are that Ms. Gregory attacked her main squeeze during an argument. When the man went outside to call 911, she went nuts and put his balls to the wall by squeezing a testicle from his scrotum, before he was able to free himself. I imagine that dude would give his left nut to not start an argument with that nut case again!!! The good news is that the urologist who treated the victim said there would be no long term damage.

So I was wondering if Joyce was a baseball fan and was inspired by the ol' squeeze play?
 

Or perhaps football is her sport and she enjoys a great sack.
Or maybe she is a pool shark and got carried away racking the balls.
 
But anyway you look at it folks, the poor guy busted a nut in a most unorgasmic fashion and Ms. Gregory must have been completely sacked out from the effort.
 
Thank you so much to my friendly neighbor who hooked me up with this story.
 
Story: Here
Images via Google Images

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