Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Naked Truth

What would Wacky Wednesday be like without a crack head applying for a job buck ass naked? I mean it doesn't get much wackier than that folks. Although, I do understand that with the tight job market these days, you do have to find creative ways to make yourself stand out from the crowd. I imagine most people don't apply for jobs in their birthday suits though unless they are prostitutes, or they are applying for a job as an exotic dancer. Both of those professions would definitely require strippin' on down for the interview and showin' the boss man what ya got to offer fo sho'.

  But Jose Ayala wasn't applying for either of those jobs. Rather, he went to a welding shop stark naked, apparently high on methamphetamine, and said he was looking for work and was good with his hands. Ya know the naked cowboy is one thang, 'cause he's just mighty fine eye candy for the tourists in The Big Apple, but the naked welder might have some serious issues. I'm thinkin' one slip of the ol' blow torch and Jose's joystick is shootin' to the moon like a bottle rocket. SHAAAAAAAAA ZAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

And just imagine some of those hot flaming tools welders use to fuse two pieces of metal together. WOO WEE, if Mr. Ayala got too close to one of those suckers his family jewels might have been united together forever, which would cause much more pain than a mere hot glue gun. Wonder if that could be a new birth control method? Come to the welding shop guys and get your nuts fused together. I'm sure dudes would be lining up around the block for that one!!!!

But alas, Jose may not have showed up for his job interview in an expensive three piece suit, but now he's wearing the ever popular striped uniform courtesy of the Sacramento County Jail. Plus he gets fringe benefits with this job- three square meals a day, medical and dental, and an hour in the exercise yard. And that's the naked truth!!!!

Video: Here

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Deb the Dictator

I've been called many names in my life. Some of them silly, some of them stupid, some of them hurtful, and some of them downright hateful and ugly. But a few days ago I heard through the grapevine that someone called me a name that had me doubled over in laughter for about 30 minutes. I seriously had to go change my pants 'cause I wet myself a little from laughing so hard. I've been called a DICTATOR folks!!!!!!

Although I dig the name Deb the Dictator, I just don't see myself dressing like Sacha Baron Cohen for his movie role, because that's what I envision a real dictator to look like. That's just not my style. Those shoulder pads are SO 80's and military jackets can make me look boxy. Plus, I don't mind admitting that I like to show a bit of cleavage every now and then. Hey, if ya got it baby, flaunt it!!!!!

A little background information is in order I suppose. I'm President of my child's middle school PTA, which is actually a thankless job. No one truly wants to be in that position, and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. So, part of my duty is to delegate what school administrators tell me to do.  I'm like the queen bee who delegates to all of her worker bees. During the delegation process when I was transmitting a message from administration, I'm the one who gets called a dictator. Talk about shooting the messenger. SLAP, BOOM, BAM!!!!!!


  Now this folks is MY idea of a dictator. I realize that Imelda Marcos wasn't technically a dictator, but she was a de facto dictator, and that's good enough for me. Plus, I LOVE her nickname of the "Steel Butterfly". That woman didn't take any shit and loved to flaunt her extravagant lifestyle, even considering it "her duty to give the poor some guidelines". Yea, I could give the poor some guidelines with those $5 million spending sprees that she used to take. YEE HAH!!!!!!! So, I'm thinkin' I need to seriously start beefin' up my shoe collection if I really want to live up to my name Deb the Dictator. Imelda was rumored to have some 2,700 pairs of shoes in her collection. My idea is to ask for a donation of a pair of designer shoes from every parent at the school. If you don't make a donation suitable to my taste, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!!!

This Dictator is gonna start takin' some names and kickin' some ass (and laughin' myself silly through my newly stocked shoe racks)!!!!!!!

Images; Google Images and Here

Monday, February 27, 2012

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

I'm going to take another stab at this fashion critique thingy since my Golden Globe redneck red carpet recap was so well received. I don't profess to be a fashion guru by an stretch of the imagination. Hell, I don't know the difference between Versace and Vera Wang and can barely pronounce those names, but I can give you a real woman's perspective on the whole deal. I'm the kind of chick who rarely gets out of yoga pants on a daily basis unless I have something important to do. If so, I'll dress up and throw on a pair of jeans. But I figure if Ozzy Osbourne's daughter Kelly is now regarded as some sort of fashion expert on the red carpet, there is a market for just about anybody. So here goes folks.

First of all, I'm sorry guys, but no one really cares what the dudes are wearing. A tux is a tux is a tux. They all look the same. Sure you can change it up with a different color shirt, or a bow tie vs. a regular tie, or a vest vs. a cummerbund. But, does it really make that much of a difference if you are wearing John Galliano or something off the rack from JC Penney?

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler take the award for the hottest couple of the night. I agree with all the experts that Ms. Keibler looks like a live female version of the oscar statue in that stunning gold dress. Oh and I LOVED the one shoulder action that was an extremely popular style on many stars last evening. Penelope Cruz looked like a princess in her Armani gown, and Angelina Jolie was just a vision in that thigh high cut slit. WHOO WEE!!!!!!


Now I ADORE me some Melissa McCarthy, and I think she is quite possibly one of the funniest women on the planet, but this ain't no joke. I seriously think I wore a dress quite similar to this one to my 1980 homecoming dance and it cost about $39.99 at Lerners. And what was up with the beautiful, perky Shailene Woodley who was quoted as saying she was "super stoked to be there"? She's the only 20 year old starlet with a rockin' hot body who decided to cover it all up in a dress fit for an 80 year old woman. Kudos to Michelle Williams for wearing a gorgeous coral dress, but damn girl, grow yourself some hair. I'm SO over the Mia Farrow look!!!!!

Jessica Chastain wins the award for the dress most resembling the wallpaper in my 1/2 bathroom. Yeppers, the pattern on her dress is pretty damn close to the ugly green patterned crap in my downstairs bathroom. It is a horrendous site, and if I had the money and time to get that shit off the wall it would be gone pronto!!! I sure as hell would NEVAH choose to wear a dress that even came close to looking like that hideous wallpaper.

In my redneck opinion J Lo looked VA VA VOOM!!!  On anyone else, that dress probably would have looked sleazy, but somehow on her it just worked. She was missing her hottest accessory though because Casper Smart was not on her arm as she walked the red carpet. Bummer!!!! And how about Cameron Diaz? That chick could seriously knock out the top heavy weight boxer in the first round with those guns.

And the oscar for the gown most resembling Princess Jasmine in Aladdin goes to Sandra Bullock. Honestly, that is one FUGLY dress folks, and she needs to eat about a dozen In and Out burgers to fit into it properly!!!!!!! And there you have it. Sure hope you enjoyed my attempt at keepin' it real for ya on the red carpet.

Images: Here, There, Everywhere

Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Acceptance Speech

This is exactly how I feel today after logging on to my computer and learning that my fellow blogging pal WilyGuy over at It's My Mind has bestowed upon me the Liebster Blog Award. I'm couch jumpin' from room to room just like crazy ass Tom Cruise showing his affection for Katie Holmes on Oprah's famed couch. This award honors relatively new bloggers with under 200 followers, and helps secure our place among the greatest writers EVAH to hit the New York Times Bestseller list. WHOO HOO!!!!!!

RULES:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award.
It's My mind is written by the ultra cool WileyGuy who has tremendous wit and an excellent writing style. He's a bit of a bad ass, which I like of course, but I also find him clever and refined. Quite a combination fo' sho!!!! I thank WileyGuy for finding my warped and wacky sense of humor worthy enough for this amazing opportunity. Like I always say, I realize that my blog is definitely only for the discriminating reader. I'm so glad WileyGuy thinks I'm worth it. So folks, please check out It's My Mind, for an entertaining read.

2. Pick 5 deserving people and notify them on their blogs.
This has been most difficult to narrow down just 5 blogs who deserve the Liebster Award. I have become quite a blogging whore since I started this gig a few short months ago. I read and comment on a variety of blogs with all sorts of subject matter in an attempt to become familiar with the blogging world, and to hopefully learn how to improve my writing skills. But since the award has to be given to bloggers with less than 200 followers, I have decided upon these fine folks:

1. Whats On Your Mind Monkey Butt has been a faithful reader and commenter on my blog. I enjoy how she pours her heart out on her blog about her life and lets her readers feel her every emotion. Photo Fridays are great, and I get a little chuckle how she calls all of her readers "dingleberries".

2. Mayhem and Madness is written by Cari, who even though is young enough to be my daughter, I really think could be my BFF in real life if there wasn't miles and miles and a computer screen between us. She is just a really cool chick who writes about her life adventures with gusto.

3. Different Paths Same Destination is a blog written by 7 different contributors with a common goal of weight loss. The stories are inspirational, funny, and most of all relatable to all of us. Sometimes the pictures and the descriptions of the food make me downright HUNGRY!!!!!!

4. Random Thoughts of a Not So Random Mind is cute and quirky and she doesn't mind sharing intimate details about her life. Plus, there's just something so exotic about reading of her life in Argentina.

5. Bo Dean's Blog in Wilmington, North Carolina is my homeboy's blog who provides inspiration through his faith and his own journey of a 100 pound weight loss. I would be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to my fellow Wilmingtonian who has supported me in this blogging endeavor of my own.

3. Post the award on your blog and spread the love.

The love has been spread folks!!!!!!! And thank you for not cutting me off during my acceptance speech because I sure did NOT want to have to flip you the bird today like Adele did at the Brit awards. For that courtsey, I will just continue couch jumpin' on this Sunday Funday. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Image: Here

Friday, February 24, 2012

Safe Sex with Dr. Seuss

So Zac Efron drops a condom on the red carpet at The Lorax premiere huh? Hey, you never know when you might get lucky right? I guess Dr. Seuss can fire some people up!!! Yeppers, squeaky clean Zac reaches into his pocket to hand something to his publicist and out falls a gold foiled condom. You can see him mouth the words "Oh My God" before he reaches for his sunglasses and faces the paparazzi. Take a look at the video and get a little chuckle for the weekend.
My question is who is the object of his affection? Both he and Taylor Swift, who also stars in the movie, have denied dating rumors. DAMN, I certainly hope Zac wasn't planning on using that condom with any of his other costars. Somehow I doubt Danny De Vito is Zac's type and Betty White is just way too damn cool for Zac. She would chew him up and spit him out even before the appetizer arrived. So, perhaps Zac was planning on practicing safe sex on the Lorax himself. Some people do have that whole stuffed animal fantasy thing goin' on ya know.

Can't you just hear the new Dr. Seuss safe sex rhyme:

You can do it, oh yes you can
Buy condoms, you are a man
A french tickler, what is that?
Save some money, buy a three pack!!!
Sex is naughty but feels so good
Could we, should we, YES we should!!!
Please, Please do not get a hex
You must, you must, practice safe sex!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH, I sure am glad Zac practices safe sex. A combo of Zac and The Lorax, I suppose would be called a ZACAX, and that folks just wouldn't be purty!!!!!

Image Here

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Just Say YES!!!

It's another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks!!! If you have been lucky enough to be in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, then you have seen your fair share of liquored up women flashing their ta ta's in exchange for a coveted set of beads. Well apparently Alicia Martin and Kathryn Rayannic thought they would try the ol' Mardi Gras trick a few days early in exchange for some brewskies in a local Florida watering hole. Turns out the other bar flies weren't in the Fat Tuesday mood. The two chicks were offering to show male patrons their hooters in exchange for beers. The dudes actually asked the women to leave them alone.

WHOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE, after takin' a gander at those mugs shots I can certainly see why!!!!!! I would actually pay those chicks to keep their shirts ON!! When management asked the party girls to leave and escorted them outside, things turned ugly. Little Miss Martin has some anger management problems 'cause she punched one bar employee in the head and then pulled out a knife and threatened another. Yeppers, what started out as good clean flashing of the gazongas ended up with Martin being charged with assault with a deadly weapon and battery. Rayannic got off easy with a charge of disorderly conduct.

Now seriously, can you even imagine seeing the chumbuwumbas on those two? You just know those puppies would be all floppy and hangin' down to their knees. Kind of reminds me of that silly kids' song," Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, can you throw them o'er your shoulder, like a Continental Soldier, do your boobs hang low"?

Ya gotta give the girls credit though. They were hell bent on showin' their bazookas and they were willin' to fight for their right to PAR-TAY!!!!! A girl who pulls a knife on the manager of an establishment because he wouldn't allow her to flash her tits is one serious bitch!!! I wonder if the thrill wore off after a few hours of processing in the slammer?

Perhaps the girls would have fared better down on Bourbon Street hustlin' for those green and yellow necklaces. With everyone else flashing their assets they wouldn't have gotten rejected. After all, that's why these chicks threw such a hissy fit. It was because the guys in the bar rejected their "flash offer". No girl likes to be rejected. Let that be a lesson to all of you guys out there!!!!!! Next time a chick wants to show you her tits, just say YES!!!! Otherwise, she may just pull out a knife on ya.

Image:Here  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dumb Jock!!!!!!

Twenty Nine year old Jacob Jock just might qualify for the biggest bonehead EVAH to use Facebook. First of all, I realize he drew the short straw when they were giving out names, but he's certainly old enough now to make a legal name change to something not quite as sleazy. Jacob Jock?????? That just sounds like a porn star, or a complete loser, which he has proved himself to be quite nicely.

So Jacob is a juror on an automobile negligence case and thought it would be a grand idea to send a Facebook friend request to the defendant. The defendant told her lawyer and Jacob was promptly dismissed from the case. Now, that may have been the end of the story if he wasn't such a Dumb Jock. Yeppers, he probably thought he just pulled a fast one over on the judicial system figuring out how to get out of jury duty.  However, Mr. smart ass decided to take it a step further and posted this comment on his Facebook page: "Score... I got dismissed!! apparently they frown upon sending a friend request to the defendant...haha".

Well apparently the Judge didn't like Mr. Jock's sense of humor 'cause she sentenced the bonehead to three days in the big house on charges of criminal contempt. SCORE DAT!!!!!!!

Take a look at the defendant there folks. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that the Dumb Jock wanted to be more than just friends with that hot babe. I think he was thinking with his penis rather than his pea sized brain. He might want to rethink his whole Facebook strategy while he's sittin' in the stony lonesome for 3 days tryin' not to drop the soap in the shower while Bubba is standing next to him. Otherwise it's Bubba who's gonna SCORE big time!!!!! He and Bubba can become great Facebook friends!!!!

P.S. Thank you Mary for the awesome tip on this story!!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Back to Nature

Every year since 2002, my family has packed up and headed to the western part of North Cackalacky to take either one or both of my kids to Camp Cheerio, which is their absolute favorite place in the entire world. They spend two glorious weeks canoeing, shooting skeet, doing archery, riding horses, climbing, swimming and making new friends.

The weekend before we drop them off at camp we traditionally stay at a nice resort in Blowing Rock, NC. The kids are so damn spoiled. Since parents must pick up campers pretty early on pick up day, my husband and I usually stay at the Mom and Pop motel pictured above for one night. The motel is located on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and as you can see, is NO FRILLS. There are no TV's, you get no cell phone service, but the views of the blue ridge mountains are spectacular. Plus, there are hiking trails on the property, and my West Virginia hubby loves him a hike!!!! Of course when he goes on a hike, that guy likes to get back to nature if you know what I mean. We inevitably take a detour off the trail and get down to business!!! Those rabbits and squirrels ain't got nuthin' on us!!!!

But a few years ago, money was tight and we couldn't afford to take the boys to the nice resort before we dropped them off at camp. Hey, they were damn lucky just to be able to go to camp. So, we pumped them up for The Bluffs Lodge pictured above for one night. We were stocked up with reading materials, marshmallows to roast and a football to toss around. You should have seen the looks on their faces when we pulled up!!!!! They asked if we were going to be starring in some sort of horror flick. Ha, ha good one kids.  Then they said, "WHOO HOO we are room #2, check out this real screen door and the awesome closet we are sleeping in"!!! The boys actually were sleeping in a closet which was funny as hell. Yea it might not be The Embassy Suites, but damn it, we are going to have FUN, you hear me, FUN!!!!!!

The kids were really good sports about the whole deal. We toured the one room cabin down the road where the family had 13 kids back in the day. How do you even make 13 babies in a one room cabin when there are kids all around you???? That would be a natural birth control method for me fo' sho!!!!! Then the four of us went on an actual hike. No hanky panky this time. I could tell that poor Jeff was dying. Sometimes ya gotta take one for the team.

After that long hike, it was time to walk across the road to the coffee shop for dinner. Warning- if you want the fried chicken you either have to wait an extra 30 minutes, or you can have the front desk call ahead since that is the only telephone available. Now my kids LOVE them some country cookin' so this was the highlight of their day. Plus, the fruit cobbler is to die for!! After dinner, we walked back to our room and some guy was playing guitar around the campfire. We are talkin' wholesome goodness here folks. My kids started tossing the football to each other and I settled in with my People magazine.

All of a sudden, some other kids and parents came out to the lawn and asked if we wanted to play kick ball. Sure, what else do we have to do? Jeff had the illustrious position of "left ditch". We called it that because he was situated on the left side of the field down in a huge ditch. Everyone was laughing, running around, and having a blast playing this game with complete strangers. Hell, even some 75'ish year old granny nailed that ball and made it around to second base. I think I pulled my groin muscle jumping up and down cheering for her. Whew, after all that action, sleeping in that closet didn't seem so bad because those boys were dog ass tired.

Last night my family was reminiscing about our night at The Bluffs Lodge. I asked what they remembered and what they liked best. My little 11 year old comedian said, "If it wasn't for that kick ball game, we would have DIED". Died huh??????? Little does he know, his spoiled ass is staying at The Bluffs again this year before camp. 

Images via: http://www.nationalparkstraveler.com/2011/04/bluffs-lodge-along-blue-ridge-parkway-shuttered-20117899

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Bachelor Appeal

What is it about The Bachelor or The Bachelorette that is so damn appealing? I ask myself that question every single Monday night as I sit down with my giant goblet of wine and brace myself for the inevitable goofy one liners like: "I'm really ready to open myself up to the possibility of love this time" (translation- I can't wait to have rockin' hot sex with you); or "I've never felt this way before about ANYBODY" (translation- I have actually said this to all of my loser boyfriends); or my all time favorite, "When we're together, it just all seems SOOOOOOOOO right". UH HUH, while the bachelor, has 12 other babes he's feeding that same bullshit to night after night. Do those chicks actually believe that crap??????

I honestly can't figure out who is more stupid, the guy who amazingly always falls for the conniving bitch after being repeatedly warned about her, or me, for not only watching the damn show, but DVR'ing it just in case I miss one minute of the exciting drama. I even go so far as to tell my family that I'm "off limits" Monday nights from 8-10 PM so I can watch the Emmy nominated extravaganza in peace and read the live tweets from the hilarious @JenniferWeiner and @Possessionista. Believe me folks, the tweets are much more entertaining than the actual show.

When you really think about it, what is more natural than one lucky person being the object of 24 people's affection and that person having the luxury of the pick of the litter. Oh and it just so happens that every single person you date falls madly in love with you and wants to be your spouse after just 3 glorious dates. Happens all the time in the real world folks!!!! Isn't that how you found your happy ending? I was talking about the ridiculousness of this entire scheme with my friend Dennis and he said, "Yea well, they always go to those exotic places like Fiji. I could fall in love with Rosie O'Donnell in Fiji because everything is just so perfect". He's got a damn good point. Hell, I think I could even fall in love with Rosie in Fiji!!!!!!!!

It's no wonder the success rate of this reality show is so dismal. When these couples realize they have to make more decisions together than just whether they will order a pina colada vs a strawberry daiquiri, or whether they will have sex on the beach vs in the clear blue ocean, things just ain't as purty. Real life has a way of kickin' your ass sometimes and puttin' things in perspective. When the toilet overflows, the bank account is overdrawn, and you get one of those nasty viruses where crap is comin' out of both ends, does your fantasy fiance have your back? In most of these reality show situations, it seems not. The fame whores jump to the next reality show like The Bachelor Pad, or lobby to be the next bachelor or bachelorette so THIS time they can find TRUE love with another set of hopefuls because they BELIEVE in the process. The franchise certainly makes a believer out of me because I wouldn't miss the show for all the tea in China!!!!! I can't wait for Monday night!!! It's home towns baby!!!!!!!

Image via: http://www.buddytv.com/the-bachelor.aspx

Friday, February 17, 2012

And The Winner Is.....

And the winner of my very first give away is MARY !!!!! CONGRATULATIONS on winning a $20 Starbuck's gift card. I'm sure you will enjoy those yummy lattes. You expend almost as many calories to say their full name as you actually gain from ingesting them. My favorite right now is the grande, decaf, non fat, nowhip peppermint mocha. Try saying that 3 times fast!!!!! Stay tuned for more give aways as I get more sophisticated with this blogging gig.

Now for the results of my first blog poll where I asked readers to vote on which movie they thought will win the Oscar for best picture this year. It was actually a tie between The Help and The Descendants. Both were very fine movies, but I'm so disappointed that only one person voted for Debbie Does Dallas. Hhhhhmmmmmmm I wonder who in the world that could have been?????????????? Must have been some crazy bitch who wrote the survey. In my opinion classics never go out of style!!!!  Guess we will all have to watch the actual awards ceremony to see which movie takes home that coveted statue.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My Readers Rock!!!!!

When I started this blog a few short months ago, I didn't even really know what a blog was. As most of you are aware who really know me, I'm a computer dinosaur, bordering on the illiterate side. However, I took a gamble and went outside my comfort zone and started writing some humorous posts based on numerous recommendations of friends, who for whatever reason, think I'm funny. It was then, and still remains my goal today, to spread joy through my warped and wacky sense of humor. As all people experience when they start something new, I was beginning to doubt myself. I was wondering if I was accomplishing my goal. Do people actually find this blog funny? Are folks reading these posts and getting a daily dose of laughter? Are my attempts at humor even being noticed by anyone other than my closest friends who I basically bribe to increase my statistics?

Just when I was getting really depressed about it, I got a call yesterday from my friend Grayson. She said, "Hey did you know you won best blog in the Encore magazine"? SAY WHAT?????????? No, I had no fucking idea!!!!!!!!! Grayson was flipping through the magazine and saw the list of winners, and damn, if my blog wasn't among them. HOLY SHIT I WAS FLOORED TO SAY THE LEAST!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately called my husband and made him stop and get a few copies on his way home from work just to verify the fact. For those of you who are unaware, Encore magazine is a local publication that asks Wilmington residents to vote on a whole host of local restaurants, bars, retail establishments, etc. for their annual "best of" edition.

I was wondering why no one notified me of this HUGE honor since the awards ceremony was last Friday evening. It's because I'm such a complete doofus and never checked the box to allow my email address to be shown on my blog profile. The editors of the magazine had no idea how to get in touch with me. GEEZ, I'm just not the sharpest knife in the drawer!!!!!! But there I am celebrating and holding my plaque with pride.



So, this post is dedicated to ALL of my faithful readers who are receiving joy from these wacked out, warped and sometimes totally outrageous snippets of humor. Thank you so much Wilmington voters, and thank you to all of you who are regular visitors to my blog.

As a small token of my appreciation, I would like to offer a give away of a $20 Starbucks gift card to one lucky person. I'm sure someone out there likes a grande, decaf, nonfat, nowhip, peppermint mocha just as much as me!!! The rules of the contest are as follows:

1. You must sign up as a follower on my blog.
                               AND
2. You must comment on my blog (NOT my facebook page) as to what you like or dislike about my blog.

I will choose a winner at random. The contest ends Friday at 7 PM.

YOU GUYS ROCK and I'm goin' to keep on keepin' on with my theme for the New Year if that's OK with you: "Pursue what you're meant to do in twenty, one, two". I'm gonna keep on pursuing this blogging gig and see where it takes me.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ride 'Em Cowgirl!!!

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday!!!! Ya gotta love a girl wearin' her some cowboy boots. Especially when she's wearin' nothin' else!!! Such is the case with 18 year old Taylor Burnham, after police were called to an alley behind a subdivision in Corpus Christie, TX, at 3:30am and found the cowgirl, buck ass naked, except for her prized cowboy boots, standing near her Jeep Wrangler.


She then hopped in her Jeep and led the law dogs on a low speed police chase before she was arrested on drunk driving charges and evading arrest. I say the po-po gave poor Taylor a raw deal. I mean she's obviously a workin' girl who didn't have time to change out of her work uniform. Can't the police see that she literally got off her shift from a hard night dancin' on the pole???? I mean come on folks, alcohol is definitely a job requirement in that business fo' sho!!!! Those Texas cowboys must love them a stripper who will dance in their boots. WHOO HOO!!!!! Poor girl is just tryin' to pay the rent.



When that cowgirl got behind the wheel of that Jeep I'm sure she felt right at home with the feel of that leather on her bare ass. This time instead of riding one lonesome horse bare back, she wanted the feel of 200 horse power between her legs. Wonder if she rode reverse cow girl???????? Now that would take some serious talent, especially if her Jeep was a stick shift. And yes, I realize she shouldn't be drinking and driving, but since she was spotted in a residential neighborhood, I'm sure she was just trying to rope her an urban cowboy. Gotta give the girl credit for tryin'.

There's only one thing I'm confused about. I always heard about Texas girls that, "the bigger the hair, the more they will bare". Ms. Burnham needs a new hair stylist ASAP to tease and lift up her wig in order to make her fellow Texas sistas proud.

Images Via: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2101070/Taylor-Burnham-18-naked-cowboy-boots-arrested.html

Monday, February 13, 2012

First Date Doozies

I just returned from a few days in Chapel Hill, NC where I attended a continuing legal education class to keep my law license active. Although I have no plans to ever practice law again, I keep my license active just in case the hubby throws me out on my ass and I'm left to fend for myself. This class was two boring days of lectures with 790 other lawyers. SNOOZEVILLE!!!!!!! So, after 8 hours of stimulating legal learning, my brain was ready for some mindless entertainment.

I took a cab down to Franklin Street, which is THE happenin' street in the heart of The University of North Carolina. Believe me, New York City drivers ain't got nuthin' on Chapel Hill drivers. That was truly the scariest cab ride of my life!!!! My Nigerian cab driver was bobbing and weaving all over the road to avoid those crazy ass drivers. One car was actually perpendicular to all the other cars in the roadway. It was insane!!!

Anyway, I finally got to this cozy wine bar safe and sound and settled in with a nice glass of Cabernet. A couple came in and sat next to me, and by listening to their conversation, it was obvious that they were on their very first date. They both looked to be about 23'ish, college students of course, and had been through the drill of MANY first dates before. She was pale, red hair and freckles. He was your classic tall, dark and handsome. I immediately thought what a mismatch in the looks department. However, as soon as the dude opened his mouth, I realized there was a serious mismatch in the smarts department too!!!!!! He had a vocabulary of about 200 words.


The couple are doing the mandatory chit chat about their classes, projects, professors etc. She tells him she's preparing to go to medical school and wrapping things up at UNC. He is a theatre major, but for some reason starts every sentence with, "When I studied abroad". Guess that makes him sound smarter. At first I was playing a little drinking game with myself and taking a sip of wine every time he said that phrase, but the bartender couldn't fill up my wine glass fast enough, and my head started spinnin' around pretty fast. I have to say I was having a damn good time eaves dropping on these two. Then the dude starts telling the chick all about his "to do list". DAMN, I sure didn't have a "to do list" at age 23'ish. I was just thinking about the next good time. Believe it or not, the guy wants to go back and study abroad. SHOCKING!!!!!!!

Then the kiss of death. In all seriousness, the dude asks her, "What is your favorite country song"? I never got to hear her response because I laughed so hard that I literally spit my wine down my shirt and across my table and had to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. Damn, Cabernet doesn't taste near as good coming out your nose.

It was time for me to leave and reflect on some of my own first date horror stories. The one that I will NEVAH, EVAH forget is a guy who took me to a very nice dinner. I remember that I was wearing white pants and a purple silk shirt. He opened the ketchup to pour it on something and KABOOM!!!!! The bottle was spoiled and it completely exploded all over me ruining my entire outfit. Spoiled ketchup in my hair, all over my face and down over my silk shirt and white pants. I was so mortified and I suppose he was too. Guess the dude didn't like my new perfume of eau de rotten ketchup cause he never called me again.

So, on the eve of Valentine's day, does anyone have some really funny first date stories?

Images via: Google Images

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Boobylicious!!!!!

Some folks hold Guinness book of world records for things like the world's longest ear hair, the world's tallest cactus, the most Starbucks visited by a single person, or the longest distance traveled on a handstand. But by personal favorite is Sheyla Hershey, the 32 year old model who is ACTUALLY holding her assets in the picture above that are her claim to fame. Yeppers, Ms. Hershey holds the Guinness book of world records for the largest breast implants at a size 38KKK.  I wonder if that makes her an honorary member of the KKK???????????? Somehow I doubt those robes would fit over her massive gazongas.

Now Sheyla's bazookas ain't just for looks, they actually helped to save her life!!! When she was driving home from a Super Bowl party, she crashed her Mustang into a tree, but she miraculously walked away from the accident when her breasts acted as an airbag shielding the rest of her body from harm. Ladies, if that doesn't inspire you to rush out to your nearest plastic surgeon and get implants the size of the Goodyear blimp I don't know what will. I'm going to suggest to my husband's plastic surgery office that they get a new marketing campaign ASAP. Perhaps something like - You can't trust airbags, but Implants SAVE lives!!!!!!

Believe it or not, Sheyla used to boast a 38MMM until a life threatening infection caused her to lose those implants. These new implants have made her feel "almost whole again" because she is obsessed with maintaining her world record status. She even told The Sun newspaper, "once I reclaim my identity as the world's biggest boobs, I can be a better role model for my daughter". I know her daughter is going to be so proud of her Momma when she's on the playground and tells all of the other kids, "My Momma holds the world record for the largest pair of Ben and Jerry's". When all the kids come over expecting free ice cream, but all they see are giant melons, that poor kid is going to lose friends real damn quick. Who wants fruit when you are expecting ice cream??????

 Now I'm quite certain there is another reason Ms. Hershey has decided to have such large chumbawumbas. You see, I believe those ta ta's are the perfect hiding place for all sorts of things. She can run contraband to and from from her native Brazil, she can smuggle illegal aliens back and forth over the Mexican border, and she can offer a damn good hiding place during a game of hide and seek!!!!! But I prefer to think that with a last name like Hershey, that Milton Hershey's secret chocolate recipes are wrapped up and safely tucked away in her milk jugs somewhere. After all, milk is one of the prime ingredients in Hershey's chocolate. Hiding the secret recipe in Hershey's milk jugs. What a play on words. That Milton guy was a pure genius!!!!!

A special thank you goes out to my friend Erika who gave me the tip on this story. I love when people see things and immediately think they are blog worthy.

Image via: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2098909/Huge-breasted-model-31-walks-away-horror-crash-38KKK-chest-acts-airbag.html

Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm a Crack Head


Hi, my name is Deb and I'm a crack head. I reluctantly had to stand up and say this out loud in a room full of strangers after my family staged an intervention. You see, I'm addicted to thin mints. But not just any chocolate covered mint cookie. OH NO folks!!!! My drug of choice is thin mint girl scout cookies. After I saw that crack was one of the ingredients in those tasty morsels, I figured out real damn quick why I always had such a fantastic high after eating an entire sleeve of cookies.

I'm a second generation addict. My Mom was also addicted to thin mints, but she didn't know they taste much better if you put them in the freezer. I think the crack takes a bit longer to process through your system when it's really cold, so the high lasts much, much longer. Yea my poor Mom only got a quick cheap ass thrill. My high can last for hours if those puppies are frozen solid.

One of the ways I used to try to hide my addiction was to buy my drug from various suppliers. After all, I do have several friends whose daughters are in the girl scouts. If you spread the wealth around, you are helping out different troops, and it doesn't look like you have a serious problem. That worked for awhile, until my family found my hidden stash which could feed a small country in Africa. So now I have resorted to stalking all sorts of places where those little girls with the green sashes might be selling their wares. I will drive around town with a cooler in my car searching every grocery store, pharmacy, and WalMart in search of the girl scout cookie stand out front. When I see it, I start to sweat, my heart beats faster, and my hands start shaking. I just can't wait for my tongue to taste that delicious drug. The first few cookies I always devour in a split second, but then I take my time and start to savour every little crumb. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, when that crack starts flowing through my veins I see all sorts of beautiful colors and then the hallucinations begin. I'm talkin' all kinds of cool shit.

But alas, I've hit rock bottom and I am now in a recovery program. Life here ain't too bad 'cause the counselors give us 2 short bread girl scout cookies per day as part of our treatment. I've met some really nice people and we laugh and cry together. Some of these poor folks were snorting thin mints up their nose but the menthol burned their nasal passages. Others were freebasing those yummy treats but the chocolate kept melting and putting out the flame. DAMN, the things a crack head has gotta put up with to catch a high!!!!

Folks, please listen to this recovering addict. Those mint chocolate rounds of tasty goodness are really pure evil in disguise. PURE EVIL I'M TELLIN' YA!!!!!!!!!!

Images via: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rollinp/the-secret-ingredient-in-thin-mints-2b2d

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Bring on the Bacon

Folks, I just HAD to write this post today and inform all of you of this DELICIOUS new shake available at Jack in the Box for a limited time only. It's their bacon flavored milkshake made with real vanilla ice cream, bacon flavored syrup, whipped topping and a maraschino cherry. Jack in the Box is offered this delicacy as part of their "Marry Bacon" ad campaign. However, if you live in the Northeast or Midwest you are shit out of luck because you won't be able to try one of these yummy treats for yourself. You need to get your ass on a plane and go to another state where they are offering one of these gems. It will be well worth the trip!!!!

Listen to the nutritional value of one of these puppies. A 16 ounce bacon shake has 773 calories, 28 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat and 75 grams of sugar. A 24 ounce shake boasts 1,081 calories, 37 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat and 108 grams of sugar. I say if you are going for the bacon, go whole hog baby and get yourself the LARGE shake. Your arteries will thank you for it!!!!

One word of caution though. Jack in the Box warns that these beverages will only stay on the menu "as limited as limited can be", and encourages shake drinkers to act fast. If that doesn't put a fire under your ass to go out to your nearest Jack in the Box restaurant TODAY and order up one of those bacon milkshakes I just don't know what will. Plus, these limited items are NOT listed on the menu so do NOT be discouraged. The bacon shakes are a "secret item" that people can order. Aren't you glad I let you in on the secret?????? You are very welcome!!!!!!!!!!

Image via: http://blog.zap2it.com/pop2it/2012/02/bacon-milkshake-jack-in-the-box-gives-us-a-1081-calorie-reason-to-go-veggie.html

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Human Hourglass

It's Wacky Wednesday folks and I'm just havin' a HARD time believin' this chick is for real. Call me a cynic, but either she is a Barbie doll come to life, or she is lyin' to all of us about how her figure looks this way.


Her name is Ioana Spangenberg, the 32 year old Romanian model who boasts a 20 inch waist, and who is being dubbed the "human hourglass". DAMN, I've eaten cheeseburgers larger than that!!!!!! Ms. Spangenberg is about 5'7" and weighs 85 pounds, but insists she eats 3 meals a day including pizza, sausage, Mars bars, potatoes, and kebabs. The skinny bitch even goes so far as to claim she just has a small stomach, akin to a natural gastric band, and gets sick if she eats too much. Yea lady and I just had a threesome with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Come on, who in their right mind believes that shit?????

Some people are blessed with cranked up metabolisms. Perhaps Ioana is one of those lucky ones. However, I kinda doubt that just a revved up metabolism would allow a grown woman to weigh just 85 pounds. Most normal girls weigh that in about 4th grade before puberty. Yeppers, it's lookin' like the classic eating disorder to me. Now she might in fact partake in pizza, Mars bars and kebabs, but I would bet my bottom dollar that those tasty morsels end up in the porcelain God before they are even digested. And folks, do you really think that teensy, weensy waist is natural, rather than the result of some sort of surgical intervention, or from years of being squeezed inside a corset? 

Now tell me how in the hell all of her internal organs fit into that tiny little compartment??? They must be shouting at each other for some space. Can't you just hear her kidneys yelling at her large intestine,"Hey, move your load of shit, you're squeezing the piss out of us". Somethin's gotta give folks, and I would hate to be in firing range when those organs decide to break out their inner Twisted Sister, "We're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take it ANYMORE"!!!!! KABOOM, body fluids everywhere!!!!!!!!!!    

Image via: http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/model-shows-off-super-tiny-20-inch-waist.html

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Super Aftermath

I think I speak for the majority when I declare that the Monday after Super Bowl should be a National holiday. Someone should really start a petition and get the ball rolling on that. Better yet, the powers at be should wise up and air the Super Bowl on a Saturday, instead of a Sunday, so Americans could have a day to recover before the work week starts.

Personally, I didn't have a dog in yesterday's fight. I'm a college football fanatic and don't have an allegiance to any pro football team. So for me, the Super Bowl means PAR-TAY city, cooking football food, drinking way too much alcohol and socializing with friends. Unfortunately, I did all of those things to excess yesterday. I may have seen one pass the entire game. However, I did get lucky and see the ref give the safety signal, because that is my favorite signal in the entire game of football. Ya gotta love to see the ref clap his hands together over his head!!! BOING- SAFETY BABY- 2 POINTS!!!!!!

The commercials were pretty cool. Betty White just ROCKS!!!!! My favorite was David Beckam, clad only in a tight pair of white underwear. I think he was trying to promote his new clothing line for H&M, but all I saw was one DAMN, ROCKIN', HOT, SEXY, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!! That image will be plastered in my brain for a long, long time.

Unfortunately, another image from last night is also plastered in my brain, and that is of Cee Lo Green wearing a robe. That dude should NEVAH, EVAH wear a robe again because it just made him look twice as short and ten times as fat. All you could see was his giant cherubic face and three chins hanging over the collar of the robe. Damn, I wish I could "Forget You" on that fashion sense Cee Lo!!!!!  Now I also convinced myself that Madonna was going to somehow top Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. Although I thought Madonna's performance was very entertaining, I must admit, that I was a bit disappointed. I really thought she was going to do something absolutely crazy to make herself relevant again. Shooting the moon, a beaver shot, or at least some good ol' fashioned flashing of the ta-ta's. But nuthin', absolutely nuthin'!!!!

Other than that, I'm certain I now either need the master cleanse, or need to go to a food detox center. My belly looks like I'm about 4 months pregnant after the super indulgence. I seriously cooked more for the Super Bowl than I did for Christmas dinner. Check out this array of food for my party yesterday- chicken chili with all the fixins', pigs in a blanket, corn salsa, homemade guacamole. People brought giant subs, quesadillas, cupcakes, cookies and chocolate covered pretzels. Of course there are tons of leftovers so we invited everyone back to our house tonight for dinner. Even though there is no more football, we can hoot and howl over The Bachelor.

Image via: https://www.google.com/search?q=super+bowl+2012+pictures&hl=en&prmd=imvnsu&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=_swvT_udJ8Xh0gHryvDLCg&sqi=2&ved=0CEYQsAQ&biw=1024&bih=650

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Gym Rats

I don't mind admitting that I'm a gym rat. That is my preferred source of exercise. I would rather poke a stick in my eye than go for a run. I can't imagine anything more boring than that. I need the constant stimulation of people and variety in my workout. Oh, and the gym MUST be co-ed. I never understood those ladies only gyms. Who wants to work out with a bunch of chicks??????? Testosterone baby is what gets me fired up!!!!!! I need to see those dudes with ripped muscles pumpin' some iron, and hearin' a few deep grunts every now and then is just icing on the cake.

I mean who wouldn't want to look at that guy on the left while they were working out? It just gets your blood pumpin'!!!! People watching at the gym is one of my favorite past times. I normally go to the gym as soon as my kids leave for school. Unfortunately, at the gym I go to, that means I work out with the geriatric crowd and other domestic goddesses like me. So, there's really not much in the way of people watching, other than the old man who wears the same USA sweat suit every single day, and the old geaser with the body odor so horrendous that he literally clears a 6 foot path wherever he walks. However, every now and then, I'll shake things up, and go to the gym across town, or go to the gym at a completely different time than normal. Those are the times when I really get a workout and a good laugh at the same time!!!!

The other day I was riding the stationary bike and a guy was on the treadmill beside me running backwards. Now I have seen people walking backwards on a treadmill, but never running. I was laughing out loud because he looked so flipping ridiculous that I'm sure everyone thought I was schizophrenic laughing to myself. I was just waiting for him to fall and bust his ass because he had to keep stopping and putting his hands on the sides of the treadmill to steady himself. What in the hell was he trying to prove?????? Then there's this certain chick who wears big ol' sunglasses to the gym to workout. She either thinks she's a movie star, or she's the victim of domestic violence. I ain't never seen her in any movies, so I don't know what's goin' on with her, but she lets those sunglasses slide down her nose while she's on the elliptical and I don't see any black eyes either. Maybe she's just hiding from the world. And the girls who wear full face makeup to the gym to attract men are just a hoot. As much as I sweat, if I wore makeup to the gym, I would be looking like some sort of scary movie gone horribly wrong!!!!

Oh and ya gotta love the personal trainers who stare at themselves in the full length mirrors rather than pay attention to their clients. And the steroid kings with their massive muscles and blown out veins. Those people just crack me up. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, scares me more than this one personal trainer I will call "Helga". She is this giant German looking shemale who sits on her fat ass and barks orders at her clients. First of all, I don't know how she has any clients, because who in the hell would want to aspire to look like a female who could lift a Volkswagen?????? She literally sits on one of those giant exercise balls and yells at her clients to lunge, squat, go deeper, bend forward, or give me 10 more. Then when she finally musters up the strength to get up, you can hear the ball give out a sigh of relief.

Whew, now I'm primed and ready to go have a few laughs at the gym on a Saturday morning. If Helga comes after me, I might be forced to run backwards on the treadmill.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Who's Your Sugar Daddy?

DAMN, how about this 48 year old dude named John Goodman, the founder of the International Polo Club in Wellington, Fla, who legally adopted his 42 year old girlfriend as his daughter in order to protect his financial assets in a civil case. He is being sued by the family of a 23 year old man named Scott Wilson who was killed in a drunk driving accident, in which Goodman was at fault. Goodman was driving his Bentley at twice the blood alcohol limit, ran a stop sign, and slammed into Wilson's car. Goodman did not call police or an ambulance and left the scene of the accident on foot. To make matters worse, it was determined that Wilson did not die from his injuries in the accident, but as a result of drowning when his car plunged into the water. If the mother fucker would have called 911, Wilson may have been saved.

So instead, he thinks about savin' his own rich ass. Goodman's family made their fortune in the refrigeration industry and sold the family business for over a $1 billion. I wonder if they still have any freezers on hand, 'cause I imagine there are a few good people in this world who would like to put his sorry ass inside a sub zero unit and padlock the damn door from here to eternity.

Yeppers he seriously legally adopted his 42 year old girlfriend to protect his assets from the civil lawsuit. A judge previously ruled that a trust fund that Goodman established for his two minor children could NOT be considered an asset for any damages realized in the civil suit. Now, since his girlfriend is also his daughter, she is legally entitled to inherit 1/3 of his wealth. But that bitch hit the jackpot 'cause she's over the age of 35, and she can begin drawing money off the trust fund immediately. Now that gives sugar daddy a whole new meaning, 'cause he REALLY is her daddy!!!! If there was a "most hated list" in America these people get my vote to be at the top of the list. Such legal maneuvering to protect the rich, while the innocent people suffer. That poor kid came home from college for his sister's birthday and lost his life. His family is having to fight an up hill battle to receive justice for their son.

And folks, Florida is even more whacked out than I ever imagined. Get this- Goodman and his girlfriend/daughter will not be charged with incest if they have sexual relations because Florida does NOT consider a father and daughter to be "close blood relatives". SAY WHAT????????????????? Then tell me who in the hell are close blood relatives if a parent and child are not!!!!!! I guess second cousins are taboo in Florida but it's OK to have sex with your immediate family. Now just imagine when those two are in the heat of passion, and she calls him "daddy" and he calls her "baby girl", 'cause those are not just terms of endearment, but actual legal terms to describe each other. DANG, and I thought I seen and heard it all in those hills of West Virginia. Them there Mountaineers ain't got nuthin' on them there Gators!!!!

Image via: http://abcnews.go.com/US/polo-club-founder-john-goodman-adopts-adult-girlfriend/story?id=15490688

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Big Debate

It's the third edition of Wacky Wednesday and I thought I would take a stab at the big debate that has been ALL over the news. No, I'm not talking Newt vs. Mitt. I'm talking serious shit here folks. I'm tackling the issue of whether Christina Aguilera's leakage down her legs at Etta James' funeral was the result of a spray tan or female problems.

Before I even attempt that issue, what the hell was she thinkin' showin' off her buxom breasts like that? Have a little respect for the dearly departed girl. Ya know when I was researching this story, some people were angry and saying that folks who were raggin' on Christina were haters, and that the focus should be on Etta. Well, I totally agree that the focus should be on Etta, but who can seriously focus on Etta when the mourners are forced to stare at Christina's giant knockers. Those puppies ain't gonna be singin' Etta's famous song "At Last" when they are free from their constricting garment. Instead, they are gonna be channeling their inner MLK and shouting "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST"!!!!!!!!

Now the poor girl did have some sort of leakage problem. Period. It is a red substance running down from inside her skirt and down her legs. Period. Some folks are saying the leakage is the result of her sweating and causing her spray tan to streak. Period. I ain't never had a spray tan so I can't comment. Period. Other folks claim Christina had a menstruation accident. Period. Now that's somethin' I DO know about. Period!!!!! Whatever the verdict, Miss Aguilera needs a shower, a stylist who can dress her for appropriate occasions, and a suit that can better accommodate her new curves. Period.