Monday, December 3, 2012

I Survived the Zombie Apocalypse

Well, I'm back folks. Did ya miss me? Not only did I do a helluva job at damage control regarding my parents' myriad of dysfunctional issues for the past week, I actually survived the zombie apocalypse. In case you missed the shit goin' on in my life lately, you can catch up here. I know it's hard to fathom such incredible good fortune happening to just one mortal soul, but I'm tellin' ya it's true. Ya gotta believe me!!!

 After a few days of openin' up a can of whoop ass on my parents for losin' their house and their every last penny on gambling and a variety of scams, I could no longer take the lies, deception, denial and plain ol' craziness that comes with addiction. I could feel the psychoses seepin' into my body and I had to escape back to some sense of normalcy. Honestly, I felt as if I did everything I could for them. Now it's time for my parents to act like grown ups and figure out this situation for themselves.

 So, I woke up at 5am on Saturday morning for the long trip back to North Cackalacky. Now as it was pitch black outside and on the weekend, I really didn't notice the lack of traffic at first. However, when I got to the beltway around Baltimore and there was only me and 5 other cars, I started to suspect something was wrong. Really wrong! Usually, 695 West is packed with traffic headin' into the city. I glanced down at my phone and there were no texts or email, which I also thought was odd. I started to get a bit nervous, but continued on. As I approached D.C., maybe 7 or so other cars appeared, which was highly unusual. The beltway around D.C. is typically a hotbed of traffic in all 6 lanes zoomin' around like it's the Autobahn. That is when I knew for certain that the end of the world happened and I was one of the few survivors along with the other lucky folks on the road with me.

I started to question why. Why in the hell would I be chosen over someone else to live on in this apocalyptic world???? I'm just a Plain Jane, a Joe Schmo, someone who doesn't stand out in a crowd. I mean I don't have any God given talents like singing, painting, athleticism, nor do I play a musical instrument. Furthermore, my professional skill set is severely limited, having chosen to give up a legal career to stay at home with my kids for the past 12 years. As far as physical attributes go, I used to have a great rack, but gravity has taken care of that. I'm quite sure those zombies would want someone much younger whose hooters stand up loud and proud.

But then it hit me. Those damn zombies are warped, and they want somebody around with an equally warped sense of humor. That's why I was spared a quick and easy death. Not only can I take a lickin' but keep on kickin', I can crack a warped and wacky joke about it too. Obviously these zombies who now rule the world want a laugh or two. So, when a hungry zombie bites off someone's arm, I might give it back to the wounded and say, "let me give ya a hand". And when the walking dead rips out a brain, I'll pipe up with the ol' standby,  "guess he gave ya a piece of his mind hey"? Or when that nasty zombie eats someone's lower extremity I can quip, "that zombie's got a leg up on ya now dude". Of course when the undead chows down on a survivor known to be a complete asshole, it will be so easy to say, "butt he made ya do it".

Yeppers, we all have our unique place in this here world of ours, and it looks like I found mine amongst these zombies. One thangs fo' sho though, I'm buyin' some breath mints for the undead 'cause when them zombies laugh, their breath will knock your socks off. WHEW!!!!!!!!

In other news go check out my friend Patt Hatt's new children's book on Amazon The Honk of Zagonk. Read about it Here

Images via Google Images

13 comments:

  1. all the zombies are at the mall this time of year

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  2. So a zombie court jester, essentially. I like that angle. And here this whole time I just planned to kill them like a chump. Perhaps the answer has always been to slay them... with laughter.

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  3. Sorry about your parents that sucks, but at least you are not getting dragged down with them... They are adults, even if they don't act like it. ZOMBIES FOREVER!!!! :)

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  4. Awh, Deb! you are back! so misssssssed you. zombies are gross, there I said it. your parents are not parents. parents are adults. they aren't adults. you are the adult. live your life and they will lives theirs, looks like.

    i broke my camera. today and this week are not going to be fun.

    so sorry your unparents are being dumb.

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  5. LMAO the piece of his mind one was great. You can sure handle to zombies with ease and at least there was no traffic. Sorry the parent fiasco didn't go better and thanks a ton for the plug.

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  6. But how do you get them to eat the breath mints? Are they brain flavored?

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  7. So glad you're back! You and your puns were sorely missed.

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  8. If ya don't mind I'm stealing the "zombie survival team leader" pic and "got a leg up on ya now dude" hilarious. That's too bad your parents lost so much with their gambling. Never a good thing.

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  9. I always knew you would be the one to survive zombie apocalypse, you know!

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  10. Do you watch The Walking Dead??

    If you don't, you totally should.

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  11. You can swing by Baton Rouge and pick my parents up while you are in the process of raising grown-ups...

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  12. Good daughter...ugh, what a job. Zombies come in various forms.

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