Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Bring on the Pork Rinds!

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and just when you thought you needed to loosen the ol' belt a notch or two from all of your holiday indulgences, we now discover that obesity tops hunger as the world's biggest food problem. Now that's a weighty issue fo' sho!!!

It's true!!! Global health data shows that the years of life lost from obesity outnumber those lost by hunger. What's more, obesity is a problem in all countries except sub-Saharan Africa. Story Here DANG, and I just thought Americans were the king of porkers. So, as I was ponderin' this problem, I really think my buddy Wayne hit the nail on the head with the idea of a telethon to help bring awareness to the issue. Who knows, maybe even a cure will be found other than the obvious zip your lip and move your ass remedy.

Yes, as the world watches with an industrial size bag of pork rinds between our legs and a 2 pounder of peanut M & M's for dessert, a few portly stars will man the phones so we can relate to their plight. John Goodman, Rosie O'Donnell, Jack Black and Gabourey Sidibe could all make tearful pleas for money, sayin' they didn't become obese on purpose, but rather the pressure of Hollywood and its many opportunities for the In-N-Out Burger chain led them to overeat. 

However, we know there IS hope. Just look at the likes of Al Roker, Star Jones, Randy Jackson and Roseanne Barr who have all had gastric bypass. Go under the knife baby, and voila, the fat just disappears and you shrink to half your former size. Or how about sprinklin' some of that magic fairy dust SENSA on your food which is guaranteed to make you eat less, and hence lose up to 30 pounds in 30 days. Hey, if it's good enough for the Millionaire Matchmaker, it's good enough for me baby. Of course there's always juice cleanses, colonics, and fasts, but who wants to starve themselves and sit on the potty all day when other, more humane methods are so readily available.

Like this wacky form of weight loss I came across while doin' my research for this post. It is a form of acupuncture called ear stapling. Just a simple staple to the piece of cartilage just above and to the left of the tragus portion of the external ear is said to suppress the appetite. Practitioners claim ear stapling works wonders, and with a price tag of only 35 to 60 bucks per ear, whaddya got to lose, except some unwanted l-bees. Research: Here 

So before you do anything drastic like call up that crazy bitch Jillian Michaels who is sure to open up a can of whoop ass on ya, why not try sportin' a fashionable ear staple. It sure looks like it will make a nice accessory to most any outfit, you won't be weigh in over your head with surgical complications, and who knows, you may even hear alien radio signals and communicate with Elvis given that new found piece o' metal in your ear.

And for those of you who may be weigh over budget this year, have no fear. Simply go to your desk drawer, and KA-CHUNK, KA-CHUNK, you can start melting away the pounds.  Warning: you may need some liquid courage before this DIY project!!!!

Images via Google Images



16 comments:

  1. Thankfully this issue will hopefully never affect me, I can save on staples too, YIPEEEE! haha

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  2. Could not have said it better myself, except my mouth is full of Oreos

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  3. While you are in the desk drawer, grab the scotch tape and put it over your mouth...can't hurt to have that as a backup to the staple.

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  4. I hear the US produces enough food to feed the whole world with animals included.

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  5. Ok, so i'm gonna be crazy honest with you and tell you i was one of those damn idiots about 10 years ago who got the staples. It fricking hurt and didnt do one thing except look funny. I can laugh now but i was obviously focused back then.
    Oh and i love watching Biggest Loser while eating my pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

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  6. You forgot that there is nothing like coming home and seeing Jabba the Hut laying there quivering with raw sexual bliss at the thoughts of YOU!

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  7. Gettin' a little personal and below the belt there, talking about someone eating from a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms. I'll have you know that bag lasts me a whole week. Usually.
    I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking the staple would probably work better across a person's lips.

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  8. Or, maybe, just stop eating sugar?

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  9. Ear stapling is one of the few weight loss practices I haven't tried. Must research this.

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  10. Gee, if only it were this simple... :D

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  11. Deb! i'm here finally! my droid is alive and well for comments but the main computer is mostly dead at my daughter's home awaiting my SIL to have time to work on it further. thank you for your kind words! i traded that weird fighting camera into a new cybershot that is better and AMAZING! and... i took an awesome SNOW photo TODAY. (hug) MERRY GRISWALD CHRISTMAS :D

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  12. doh! and... i loved the homemade method of getting the l bees out ta here.

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