Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Female Supervision Required

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks. You know that old saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman"? Well, it appears that the dudes in these pictures may have needed their "women" behind them to give 'em a bit of advice or supervision before they embarked on these hair brained ideas.

Who needs a tree stand when ya got a nice cozy hot tub and a beer?
To simulate road conditions, a motorcycle should definitely be taken on a test drive in your living room.
Redneck waterskiin'. Hold on Bubba!!!!
Thirsty? Go on and grab yourself a cold one from the tree.
Either somebody is on the naughty list at this house, or Santa needs to drain off some egg nog to fit down the chimney. 
Hhhhhmmm I might have let the hedges overgrow a bit. Going up?
Definite points for creativity!!!!!! Gotta love a man who knows how to use some power tools.
Thanks again to my friend Mindy for sending me these gems!

Monday, October 29, 2012

I Feel Nekkid

Yea, I knew that would get your attention. Although I do indeed feel nekkid, it ain't 'cause I'm lookin' anyway near as SEX-AY as Kim Kardashian in that picture. So sorry to disappoint you folks. You see on Saturday, I charged up my phone, sent a few text messages, checked my email and Facebook like normal. Then since it was raining cats and dogs outside from the effects of Hurricane Sandy, I decided to take a nice cozy nap. When I woke up about 2 hours later, I naturally reached for my phone. It was not only merely dead, it was really most sincerely dead. I'm talkin' it would not even power on. My heart started to beat a little faster as the panic began to rise, but I thought, OK, just calm down and breathe. Take the battery out and reboot. I did that 3 times. Nuthin'. Nada. Zilch. Zippo.

 My logical mind took over and thought maybe it was a network problem due to the hurricane. But my hopes were quickly dashed since my kids' phones were working like a charm. That is when I went into full panic mode. The shakes, the sweats, the whole damn deal. How in the hell can I go through the day without my phone???? I quickly call T-Mobile to diagnose the problem. As luck would have it, I can't get through after 10 minutes. Well, hurricane or not, my ass gets in the car, braves the elements, and drives to the nearest T-Mobile store because this is a freakin' emergency!!!

Now I'm one of the last dinosaurs on earth who still has a Crackberry. I don't need all of those fancy schmancy features of an iphone 'cause all I use my phone for is texting, email, and Facebook. I rarely surf the web on my phone simply 'cause  I have no idea how to do so, nor do I care to learn. If there was a learning curve in the technology department, I would be at about -3. Uh yea, it's just not my thang.

I must say the customer service representative at the store was very nice and understanding. My phone was still under warranty and I do have insurance. However, because it was Saturday, I would not be getting my new phone until Tuesday, even with a rush order. I thought I would pass out right there on the spot. Three and 1/2 entire days without a phone???? This must be a cruel joke!!! But then she offered me a loaner flip phone for a $53.00 deposit which I would get back when I returned the phone. WHOO HOO!!!!! Now we're talkin'!!!! Ah but my jubilation was short lived. I didn't even have time to pull a groin muscle from doin' a herkie jump when she explained that since my crackberry would not even power up, none of my contacts would even transfer over.

Say what??? OK, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but why in the hell would I want a flip phone that has none of my contact numbers in it? It's not like I can call or text anybody or even use email because none of my personal information could be transferred to the phone. Who has any phone numbers or email addresses memorized these days? She replied just for emergency purposes. I decided I would take my chances and go cold turkey. Believe me, the DT's have already set in and it ain't purty.

So until I see the postman arrive with my coveted package, I feel like this guy with the lost appendage, except my lost limb is my cell phone. DANG, I never realized how much I depended on that thang until it was gone. I can't wait to feel whole and fully clothed again!!

Images via Google Images

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Is anyone else as excited as me for election day so we can all like our Facebook friends again?

Friday, October 26, 2012

Put On Your Thinkin' Caps

It's no secret that I like to play dress up, or that I have a slight obsession with Cher. When I was 9 years old, I thought I WAS Cher. I would be Cher every year for Halloween if it was up to me, but everyone in town is tired of my same ol' shtick.

So, as much as I got you babe, I guess it was time to hang up my long black wig for good and move on to somethin' else. But, if I could turn back time............

So last year when Cher's daughter Chastity was makin' headlines because of her gender reassignment surgery, I decided to be somethin' more relevant and go as Chaz Bono. How 'bout those chops folks? Lemme tell ya, it ain't no fun bein' a fat dude even for a day.

Now I know I mentioned in a previous post I was going to dress up as Honey Boo Boo's Mama this year. But, it was gettin' downright expensive to emulate Mama June's signature look. Although I could reuse Chaz's fat suit, I still had to buy a patterned blouse, XXL black pants, ankle socks, keds and a wig. Plus, the cost to fly over three chins from China just put me over the edge. To be truly authentic, ya can't be Mama June without her three chins ya know.

So this year I decided to dress for Halloween on a budget. Everything came straight outta my closet, with the exception of my head gear, and I found that on sale for $10.99. WHOO HOO!!! This costume might take a little bit of imagination, so put on your thinkin' caps and take a guess as to what I'm supposed to be. As one of the radio stations says that I listen to, "You are playing for pride, not prize".

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What a Knucklehead!

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and how 'bout those Jersey City law dogs fingerin' a suspect for carjacking, throwing bodily fluids at law enforcement officers, and being under the the influence of a controlled dangerous substance? But instead of just goin' down to the station to be fingerprinted, the dude got the munchies and literally bit the hand that feeds him.

Yeppers there's 29 year old Jargget Washington, who was high on PCP, tried to gnaw off his own wrist in a holding cell, shit in the back of a police car, then bit off his own finger and swallowed it. Mmmmmm, now that gives finger foods a whole new meaning hey? I suppose Mr. Washington may have been hallucinating and thought he was eatin' some chicken fingers from KFC 'cause obviously it was finger lickin' good! Or perhaps he had a chocolate craving and reached for a Butterfinger. Nobody better lay a finger on his Butterfinger baby!!

The good news is that the guy will now be able to free himself from those silly Chinese finger traps. The bad news is that the poor dude will only be able to count to nine on his hands. At least there's still enough left for a good ol' knuckle sandwich.

I wasn't able to ascertain exactly which finger the knucklehead decided to consume when he wanted a quick bite to eat. However, I sure hope it wasn't his middle finger 'cause everyone needs to be able to give the standard one finger salute. Plus, there's real power in flippin' the double bird!!!

Thank you so much to my friend Susan who hooked me up with the scoop for this post.

story: Here

Monday, October 22, 2012

Puppy Love

Well I'll be doggone folks, just when I thought I heard and seen it all, along comes some news story that has me shakin' my head. And since ya know I like to keep my readers abreast of the issues, I thought I would tell ya about this one that has me singin' that hit song "Puppy Love" by my teenage heartthrob Donnie Osmond. Sadly, the Puppy Love here is a bit misguided by a milkmaid in the form of  44 year old Terri Graham who has been breast feeding her dog named Spider for the past 2 years.

So there's Mrs. Graham whipin' out her puppies and milkin' it for all she's got in the UK edition of Closer magazine. In the interview Mrs. Graham insists breastfeeding nourishes the dog and makes her feel like a better mom. She says she wasn't able to breastfeed her own children and having Spider suckle on her boob makes her feel complete. I guess instead of puppy chow, the lucky dog gets to go to the land of milk and honey hey? At least no doggie bag is required for Spider's leftovers.

Personally I would put my tail between my legs for puttin' this story out there for the whole world to see. The poor woman must be dog tired of people thinkin' she's a freak. In fact, her family might have even put her in the dog house for airin' their dirty laundry. Talk about steppin' in some doggie doo doo!!

Well, let's just hope the dog's bark is worse than its bite. And, I double dog dare ya to find a better doggie bowl than the one Spider's got. Now the only thang that's got me real confused is when Mrs. Graham has a hangover, what's she gonna do about gettin' her some of the hair of the dog that bit her? LAWD, let's all pray the woman is a teetotaler!!!

Story: Here
Seriously Shawn

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Zumba Boomba

So most of you folks have probably heard the story that has been plastered all over the news about the Zumba instructor in Maine who was doin' a wee bit more than those Latin inspired dance moves in her exercise studio. Let's just say there was a bit of bumpin' and grindin' goin' on with quite a few male customers for a fee, such that there is a new type of cardio exercise now called Zumba Boomba.

Now I don't know about you, but I have taken a few Zumba classes, and I find the dance steps and moves a bit difficult to follow. In fact, the last Zumba class I took I couldn't even get my heart rate up because I was too busy trippin' over my two left feet. So seriously, kudos to this chick for gettin' down to basics and findin' a way even uncoordinated fools can get a work out. Yea, ya gotta take off your clothes and get into some compromising positions, but it sure as hell will feel better than some of those stupid ass meringue marches or salsa travels you have to do in a traditional class. The only thing ya gotta worry about is that damn video recorder 'cause I'll be darn if this new fangled Zumba Boomba ain't against the law. GAWD, I hate when that shizz happens!!!

So the law dogs have charged 29 year old Alexis Wright with engaging in prostitution, and they have released 21 names out of more than 100 men accused of being her Johns. The poor dudes. I mean they weren't able to do a basic calypso so Ms. Wright was just tryin' to accommodate their dancin' capacity by gettin' down with a little doggie style. What's the crime in that? Everyone burns a decent amount of calories, and if you're real lucky you may even experience a happy ending. Plus, with this new Zumba Boomba deal, Ms. Wright reportedly earned herself $150,000 in income over the past 18 months. DANG, no wonder she gave up the samba lunges and shimmys for some simple missionary and reverse cowgirl 'cause this chick knows how to bring in the big bucks.

Sure the little seaside community of Kennebunk is all atwitter about what high profile names will be revealed in this Zumba Boomba scandal, but really, in our fitness crazed society, shouldn't the real issue be whether or not the clients got what they paid for? Did they get a hot, sweaty, high calorie burnin' workout, or was it a mere lackluster performance? Personally, I'm waitin' for the DVDs to be released of Ms. Wright's unique Zumba Boomba exercise method. I'm always up for new and different ways to shake up my fitness routine.

Story: Here At Home Take 2

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

All Fired Up

Today's edition of Wacky Wednesday is a story that happened right up the road from me in New Bern, North Cackalacky at the Piggly Wiggly of all places. If you folks ain't never been to a Piggly Wiggly, it's the grocery store version of a Walmart, so this wacky incident really comes as no surprise. This lady sure was under fire, or got fired from her job or somethin' to go nutso on a vending machine.

So it appears Debra Johnson was jonesin' for a soda, put her money in the 7-Up machine in front of the store, but when the vending machine neither produced a soda, nor gave her money back, she got all fired up and started kickin' the dang thang. Then she got the fire down below and went for the fire in the hole method by lighting a piece of newspaper and stuffing it inside the machine. All of the 7-Ups went up in flames, and surveillance video captured everything on tape. Ms. Johnson has been arrested.

Good news is little Miss Fire Power was able to get a soda from another machine before the firetrucks arrived. Guess she needed a little mixer for her fire water.

Take a minute to watch Ms. Pyromaniac's fiery personality in the courtroom as she drops the f bomb and then basically says she don't need a lawyer to lie for her, 'cause she done it. DANG, she certainly ain't no liar, liar, pants on fire!!!

Now even though she fired away at that drink machine, at least her crime doesn't warrant the firing squad. Perhaps sittin' on a pile of fire ants is a more appropriate punishment since she sure did have a fire under her butt that day!!!

Story: Here

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Haunting We Will Go

Few things thrill me more than when it's that time of the year to go up to the attic, bring down the boxes of tacky Halloween decor, and start turning my humble abode into a haunted house. This year was especially thrilling because I performed the transformation while my 17 year old was at work. When he came home at 11:30 pm, he was greeted by this awesome monster in the living room and it gave him quite a scare. Even though he has seen this dude before, he was tired, it was dark, and he wasn't prepared for fright night.  This guy is actually a face changer, and when you walk by him, he says really creepy things, his head drops down, then back  up again with a different face and red eyes. He is my favorite in my tacky collection. I have quite a few items that go Boo and Bump in the night all over my house, but I won't bore you with the gory details. Rather, I'll just show you some of the highlights.

Here I am sharing a toast with the head of the table.
The rest of the table has a bit more refinement.
Now this dude was a new addition to the family last year, and I was disappointed to discover he had dry rot when I unpacked him from his resting place in the attic. Just look at the holes in his hood, and you can see straight through his clothes because when I picked him up they literally fell apart in my hands. I guess ya git what ya pay fer hey?
 How about my anatomically correct skeleton? That's every witch's dream!!!
Just wait til Christmas time folks 'cause you ain't seen nuthin' yet. The Queen of Tack just gets warmed up at Halloween. Christmas is really my time to shine!!!

StacySeriously Shawn

Friday, October 12, 2012

Wacky World Records

 Since it's the annual book fair again at Ry Guy's school, and every single year I buy him the latest edition of The Guinness Book of World Records, I thought I would share with you folks some of the wackiest world records hot off the press.

At 86 years old, Johanna Quaas of Germany shows why she still has that competitive edge to be the world's oldest gymnast. Looks like Granny can still bounce a quarter off that ass!

HOT DOG, no wonder this 7 pounder is the world's largest commercially available wiener. Head on over to Chicago, and shell out a mere $40 if you are jonesin' for a dog. Might wanna take some Rolaids with ya too.

"Welcome to the gun show" says Moustafa Ismail of Egypt who claims the title of the word's largest bicep.

Although Axel Rosales holds the world's record for the most facial piercings, I think he should open his own earring store. You could actually go shopping on his face. How convenient. Talk about keepin' overhead at a minimum!!!

Who knows what could get lost in those size 102ZZZ's Annie Hawkins-Turner carts around, but she proudly displays those world's largest natural breasts and has made quite a career for herself outta those "assets". 

Now there's a tall drink of water. Zeus, the great dane from Michigan, is the world's tallest dog.
Darlene Flynn may look like a hoarder, but she really owns 15,665 different shoe related items to capture the title of the largest collection. Yeppers, she puts Imelda Marcos to shame.

The tallest mohawk goes to this dude in Japan. So what kinda car do ya think he drives? Sure hope it's either a convertible or he has a sunroof so his hair can stick outta the top.

Story: Here


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Five Minutes of Fame

It's time for another Wacky Wednesday folks, and although I really hate pickin' on the sunshine state, there seems to be quite a few wacky stories that come outta Florida lately. This story though has me singin' "La Cucaracha", that famous traditional Mexican folksong meaning, "The Cockroach".
So, some people enter fishing contests, others enter yodeling contests, some folks like to try their skill at beer pong, and still others prefer spitting watermelon seeds. It's all about winning the grand prize and gettin' your five minutes of fame hey? Well, 32 year old Edward Archbold from Florida gave up his roach clips for the day and entered a contest at Ben Siegel Reptiles where the winner snakes it all. Yeppers, whoever ate the most giant cockroaches would win an exotic snake. Mr. Archbold also entered a super-worm eating contest earlier in the evening. Guess he's not much of a book worm, but rather the tape worm type. Wonder if the guy was good at worming his way outta trouble?

Although he faced stiff competition from those who really bugged him, and chowed down on those crunchy little delicacies that most folks prefer to crunch under the bottom of their shoes, he was victorious!!! WHOO HOO!!!! Just look at how proud that dude is to win that ivory-ball python. If he wasn't wearing those shades, odds are he would be a bit bug eyed. Sadly, those delicious cockroaches were his last meal because Mr. Archbold died a few minutes after his victory. He was never even able to celebrate with a night at the roach motel.

Good news is the pet store is no snake oil salesman because they are holding the prized python for Mr. Archbold's estate. And hey, at least the guy with his one eyed snake died a winner and is now snug as a bug in a rug. Plus, he got his five minutes of fame. We should all be so lucky!!!

Story: Here

Frieda you rock for hooking me up with all of this blog worthy material.