Monday, August 27, 2012

THE PAR-TAY HAS BEGUN!!!!

Today is my absolute favorite day of the year folks!!! No it's not Christmas, or even my birthday, it's an even bigger celebration in my house. TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL PEOPLE!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Today is my annual PAR-TAY for myself, by myself. Believe me, after a long summer vacation with no consistency with my kids, I have always treated this day as a sacred holiday. The champagne is flowin', the music is blarin', the screamin' and shoutin' will scare the neighbors, and although it is a solo party, you would swear on your Momma's life there were 100 or more folks in my house gettin' down and dirty. And yea, I realize I don't look near as good as Kate Moss swingin' from the chandelier, but I give it a damn good try!!!

Here are my PAR-TAY essentials. A bottle (or 2 or 3) of bubbly, a giant goblet, and my favorite thong for when I strip down during Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me". Yeppers, I'm all about an animal print!!! Now all of my friends know about my back to school celebration and it has become quite the joke among my inner circle. Several years ago, on the first day of school, the music was cranked, I was about 3 glasses into a bottle of champagne and already stripped down to my undies when the doorbell rang about 10am. I was really pissed thinkin' who in the hell would have the nerve to bother me on MY one day of the year when it's all about ME???

The way my house is layed out, you have to pass by the front door to get to the master bedroom. Since I was clad only in a thong, I had to crouch down below the front door, which has glass windows all around it, so whoever was there would not see my state of undress. I quickly put on a robe and answered the door. There stood a dude in shorts, a t-shirt, and holding a clipboard. Mind you, the disco music (YES, I SAID DISCO) is blarin' in the background. He said, "Hi, I'm the landscape specialist Beth recommended". Since I know quite a few ladies named Beth, the only thing my warped, drunken mind is thinkin' is that this guy is a stripper here to entertain me 'cause my rockin' girlfriends know this is MY day baby and they are makin' it even more special. Seriously, who in the hell has ever heard of a "landscape specialist"????


So I start clappin' and dancin' like a freakin' idiot and say shit like: "Oh yeah Mr. Landscape Specialist, bring it on"; "Go for it baby"; "My girl Beth is awesome"!!!! Sadly, he just stands there with a blank stare and says "I'm here to fix the broken sprinkler head. Maybe I should come back another day". Holy shit, talk about a killjoy. This guy was legit. I started laughing so hard and told him that it had been a LOOOONNNNG summer and that it was the first day my kids were back in school and I was havin' a little bit of fun. He replied, "I can see that Ma'am".

Not one to be deterred, I poured myself another glass of bubbly, raised my glass to the ceiling and toasted out loud, "To the landscape specialist, may your sprinkler head always rise to the occasion and NEVAH, EVAH be broken". I wonder how many times that poor fella has told the story of the drunken chick in the white terry cloth robe he called upon that fine day????

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20 comments:

  1. LMAO I'm sure he'll be telling that story to his grandkids.

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  2. I for one would have instantly turned INTO a male stripper.

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  3. pffft, you weren't brave enough to put your own pic hanging up on the chandelier instead of Kate :)

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  4. I love this! Laugh until there are tears in my eyes LOVE THIS!!!

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  5. O M G!! This is hilarious!! I'd relive that celebration too! Underwear, champagne, home alone?? You got the right idea.

    I don't go back to school for another week and a half. I'm pretty bummed. I just want to start already!!

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  6. That's funny - I'm here drinking my coffee~whiskey and watching the front door for the cute Landscaping Girl. God, I so hope this year she remembers to wear the tiger stripe thong!

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  7. It's a bit funny to see everyone react to the first day of school. 2nd day of school is about normal, but the 1st day the parents seem like they're doing whatever they want to do. At work, my monday day (which was the first day over here) turned into super-saturday-like business.

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  8. And he called you "Ma'am."
    No kidding...killjoy.

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  9. Haha! I remember the excitement of that first day of school! I was the same way except I did not strip down to thong (I would have if I had thought about it though). Enjoy your peace and quiet!

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  10. I just hate it when service delivery people interrupt me when I'm cavorting about in my thong.

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  11. OMG - MY husband just asked me what the heck was wrong with me because I sat here ugly laughing. You are hilarious.
    I hope your party was eventful. I still have one at home with me but next year? I'm getting out my thong and bubbly too. Sounds fun.

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  12. Well that's just rude! He should have just got with the nekkid dancing rather than pointing out your mistake. A sever breach of etiquette!

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  13. Maybe the words "landscape specialist" triggered something in that imaginative brain of yours, like pruning your bush. I hope you don't celebrate in front of your boys because they might resent that.

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  14. lol oh christ good for you.....first day back at school is a nightmare for me as it means i have to get up even earlier...rush round like a mad woman....now do 2 different school drop offs (my eldest is starting high school next week) and then get myself into work.....not a hint of nakedness, strippers or champagne!!

    found you via the Friday blog hop and have followed xx Have a fab weekend.

    http://toxylicious.blogspot.com

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  15. Ahahaha! I LOVE this! I'm glad you made it fun. You could definitly tell a few parents I've came in contact with wanted to lock their kids in a closet. I hope you & the fam have a great holiday weekend!

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