Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Pole is Olympic Gold

Unless you are livin' under a rock, you know the Olympics are in full swing. Now there are some seriously lame Olympic events masquerading as sports, so I'm gettin' on the bandwagon and lobbying for pole dancing to become an Olympic sport by 2016. Yeppers, the International Pole Sports Federation would like to get the pole into the Olympics, but doubts the general public is ready to accept the sport that is generally associated with strip clubs, rather than athletic clubs.

But come on folks, it takes a helluva lot more athleticism to do what Natasha Wang, the current U.S. Pole Dancing Federation Champion, is doing right here than some of the other so called "sports" that are currently Olympic events. Anyone who can support their own body weight on that teeny, tiny pole and do moves like a trained gymnast should get a medal in my humble opinion. Plus, think of the increase in male viewers for this event. The ratings jump alone may well be worth givin' the pole a shot. So here are some of the Olympic events that I personally think are just too damn wimpy to be deserving of any kind of Olympic status.

Table Tennis. Uh yea, you aren't in middle school anymore dudes.

Curling. Any "sport" that allows its participants to wear clown pants and use a broom belongs in a circus, not in the Olympics.

Badminton. A picnic pastime turned Olympic event for wannabee Serenas and Rogers.

Power walking. For those "athletes" who failed to make the track and field team.

Synchronized swimming. Too lame ass for words.

So I believe the time has come folks for the pole to make an appearance at the Olympic games. There is somethin' for everyone to enjoy about this event. There are male and female competitions, as well as singles and doubles. Lemme tell ya, I will certainly be watchin' those lean, mean pole dancin' machines doin' what they do best up and down that shiny silver stick. And if ya haven't seen her before, Lulu could be a serious competitor in this sport, even if America's Got Talent wasn't the correct venue. Lulu is gonna take home the gold baby!!!! Have a look/see.

Story: Here
Images via Google Images

Monday, July 30, 2012

Christmas in July

Ok folks, everybody has a weakness. Mine happens to be Christmas decorations, in particular, big, fat Santas of all kinds. Stuffed Santas, wooden Santas, and mechanical Santas that sing and dance get my heart beatin' and my palms sweatin' like nobody's business. All of my friends know that I may go a tad Griswoldish at Christmas time with my decor. Yes, I'm the queen of tacky when it comes to decorating the inside of my house. I have a 5 foot singing Santa, a disco Santa, a rock and roll Santa, and the list goes on and on. However, Uncle Jeffy draws the line on outdoor decorations, basically because he's too damn lazy to set them up, but he tells me it's in an effort to maintain a bit of dignity in the neighborhood since the inside of our house is full of what he describes as "Christmas Crap".

So, on Saturday my friend Grayson sent me the following ad that she saw on Craig's list:

free santa (wilm)

Date: 2012-07-28, 1:50PM EDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Curb alert. Free life sized Santa, his sheigh, and reindeer. They are made out of heavy plywood and painted. THEY TRULY ARE LIFE SIZED. do't call or email, or knock on the door. I will remove this when they are gone. they are laying on the grass at 126 south 16th st. hurry before it rains.....
  • Location: wilm

Gotta love those typos in that ad huh? I thought about the possibilities for this amazing windfall about 2 minutes, told my kids we were going on an adventure, hopped in my son's pick-up truck and we were on our way. As we raced across town, I kept hopin' that we would make it in time before anyone else picked up this free deal. My 16 year old son Conner had a theory that the wife was probably out of town and the husband wrote that ad hoping to get rid of her Christmas junk before she came back in town. We laughed our asses off at that theory, but he may not have been too far off the mark givin' what this shit looked like. Now the address was in a bit of a sketchy neighborhood and the kids were scared to get outta the truck. But, I was so damn excited when I saw that big ol' jolly Saint Nick and his reindeer laying on the grass I could hardly contain myself. I begged and pleaded and my kids indulged me. People were honkin' their horns at us as they drove by 'cause it was quite a sight!!!

Reindeer as we found them. Ya like how I didn't give Ry Guy time to put on his shoes before we left?
Me and Dasher. His horns broke off immediately after the photo.

I have to admit that the "heavy painted plywood" was not exactly what I was expected, but hey, it was FREE and it was an experience my kids can tell their grandkids. "Uh yea, remember the time crazy Mom made us get in the car and drive to the ghetto to load up that totally janky outdoor Christmas stuff"? Memories folks, memories!!!! First I should mention that it's about 97 degrees outside and this stuff is covered in dirt and spider webs. The boys and I load it into the pick up truck and it is hangin' outta the back so we secure it with rope. The entire drive home, I'm tellin' Conner to be careful around the turns and the bumps 'cause I don't want anything to fall out. He looks over at me ever so seriously and says, "Mom, I don't think that is going to be any big loss". Some people clearly have no appreciation for Santas!!!!

When we get home, we set up the entire display and Uncle Jeffy is less than pleased to say the least. He thinks this shit is riddled with termites that are going to infest our house. Plus, he says we can NEVAH adorn our yard with this tacky wooden crap, as someone may even complain to the homeowner's association. But, I'm not convinced. I think people are really gonna dig my Craig's List find and get a helluva kick outta our Christmas in July celebration. Egg nog anyone??????

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Joke: Here
Image Via Google Images

Friday, July 27, 2012

Stars: They Are Just Like Us!

OH MY GAWD folks, I saw these photos in my beloved People magazine, and I just had to spread the joy 'cause I have been laughing my ass off at the ingenuity of these pictures, and thought you might get a kick outta them as well. New York artist Danny Evans superimposes the faces of celebrities onto average Joes and then Photoshops the pics to come up with these creative masterpieces. I had that same exact hairstyle as Angelina Jolie back in the 80's, but somehow she can even rock that perm and those hairsprayed bangs better than anyone else on the planet. And doesn't Brad look like he belongs on a bowling league somewhere in the Midwest?

  Shockingly, Mr. Evans managed to make Madonna appear even scarier than in real life.

The ultra cool Jay-Z and Beyonce as total geeks.

You just KNOW Maniston Jennifer Aniston is hatin' this!!!

 Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as mere mortals.

The Kardashian Klan before they became famous for being....... ??????? Uh yea, what IS their claim to fame anyway?

Story: Here

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Die Hard NASCAR Fan!

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and I found an awesome wacky story for ya today. Did any of you hear about 72 year old Linda Chase from Jackson, Michigan who kept the dead body of her companion Charles Zigler in their home for months because she didn't want to be alone? Ms. Chase said she kept his remains clean and dressed in a chair and talked to his body while watching NASCAR on TV. While Ms. Chase claims Mr. Zigler was only dead a few months,  authorities believe he may have died as early as December 2010. She is being investigated for cashing his benefit checks after his death. But before you pass judgment, this die hard NASCAR fan did say that, "It's not that I'm heartless.... I didn't want to be alone. He was the only guy who was ever nice to me". Ain't that sweet!!!!!

Now, I'm certainly not a NASCAR aficionado, but I had to endure watching many a race as a kid before the sport was even in vogue 'cause my Dad was a big fan. His favorite driver back in the day was a guy named Bill Elliott. Ever hear of him? Yea, me either. But, one thing I do know is that all of that vroom, vroom around that race track can sure put a girl to sleep. That is some of the best nappin' I can remember. So, I can imagine Mr. Zigler bein' dead asleep in his chair all clean and dressed. But when those NASCAR fans get a hootin' and a hollerin' for their favorite driver they can even wake the dead. Hopefully Ms. Chase showed the man some respect and toned down her enthusiasm a bit. Maybe she pulled out all the stops on race day and dressed the guy in his favorite driver's t-shirt. Sure hope she offered him a beer, 'cause one thang is for damn sure- ya can't watch NASCAR without a cold one in your hand. I also hope she cooked up some real good NASCAR type food on race day such as burgers, ribs and pizza, and propped up some of that grub on Mr. Zigler's lap so he could relive the whole experience that he obviously enjoyed so much. Once a fan, always a fan, even past your dyin' day.

Even though the big man upstairs may have waved the checkered flag on Mr. Zigler's laps around the ol' race track, I fear that if the law dogs had not discovered little Ms. Norman Bates, their house would have turned into a real live version of the movie "Psycho".

Story: Here
Images via Google Images

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Vegemite Experiment

A few weeks ago, the lovely Kellie at Delightfully Ludicrous held a contest on her blog where she was giving away some Vegemite to a few of her lucky readers. If you were chosen, you were supposed to record your tasting of this Australian staple in some way by photo, video etc. I was always intrigued by that famous line from that Men at Work song, "she just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich", so I thought, what the hell, I'm gonna enter. Can you believe it, I was one of the lucky ones who was chosen for the experiment? I was SO excited when the package arrived all the way from the land down under!!!!

Now let me preface this post by saying that I sure ain't a picky eater. I grew up in Pennsylvania Dutch country with the likes of hog maw and tripe (yea, google that). Then I married a West Virginia redneck and he cooks rabbit and squirrel, and has even been known to curry up some goat. I've also been to many fine establishments and I love me some escargot and foie gras. But lemme tell ya, nuthin', and I mean nuthin', prepared my taste buds for the stuff in that yellow tube. WHOO WEE!!!!! As you can see, it comes out like a brown paste and tastes extremely salty. But not just salty like anchovies, more like take your breath away obnoxious, stay in your mouth foul, like somethin' crawled up and died. Seriously, those Aussies must have some tough stomach linings!!! Given its name, you would think this Australian delight would be chocked full of veggies, but the only real ingredients are yeast extract, salt and mineral salt. MMMMMMM MMMMMMM GOOD!!!!

Here is a picture of my son Conner getting ready to put that cracker topped with Vegemite into his mouth. Sorry I didn't get a follow-up photo when he was gagging and spitting it out into the sink, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't hold the camera straight.

Now since our family didn't enjoy the taste of Vegemite so much, and since Kellie was awfully kind to send us this gift all the way from Australia, we thought of some other creative uses for this delicacy. Since the consistency is really quite sticky, we used it to repair some holes in our driveway.

It also makes great bondo for your car.

Then we thought why just use regular run of the mill spackling to repair that hole in the playroom wall when we have this amazing goo from across the globe that will do the trick just as nicely. We feel so worldly now.

Since this yummy treat came in a tube, Uncle Jeffy thought maybe I should try it as toothpaste. I was skeptical.

Yep, shoulda gone with my gut on that one 'cause the skanky smell that Vegemite leaves behind is the gift that keeps on givin'.

But not one to be outdone, I told Uncle Jeffy to give me his best angry face so I could see all of his wrinkles.

Voila, the Vegemite facial mask, guaranteed to make you look years younger in a single application. That gooey, salty mess just smoothed those lines and wrinkles right off Uncle Jeffy's face.

Thank you so much Kellie for allowing me to take part in your Vegemite experiment. My family had an absolute blast!!!!  As the words on the back of the tube state, we have been warned and can attest to the fact that Vegemite does indeed cause spontaneous outbreaks of "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi! Oi! Oi!"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

During college tours earlier this week with my son Conner, this dude's t-shirt was one of the more entertaining sights. Pretty much sums it up huh?

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Sucker Is Born Every Minute

Ya know that old saying "a sucker is born every minute"? Well, in Columbia County, Georgia I really don't know who that sucker is- the perpetrator or the victim. Last week 43 year old Joey Leaphart, who's rap sheet includes a number of foot related crimes, approached an 18 year old female Walmart shopper and asked if her toenails were painted. He then tricked her by saying he was a representative of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and offered to pay for her purchases if she would take part in a prank. By being a toetal sucker, she allowed him to kiss her foot and suck on her big toe before she started screaming. Mr. Leaphart ran from the store saying, "but it tasted so good". Sure hope he doesn't have two left feet 'cause that makes runnin' away from the law dogs a bit of a challenge. Wonder if his getaway vehicle was a toe truck????

Joey Leaphart's mug shot- he's not even a toe head

Now really, what's the harm here besides the fact that the poor guy picked Walmart as his crime scene. I wouldn't touch a Walmart shopper with a 10 foot pole. I think that toetally puts him in a jam- a toe jam.  Seriously, we have all seen those crazy people of Walmart photos on the Internet. Target shoppers seem a bit more classy and accommodating. I mean he obviously appreciates a nice pedicure and sounds like a smooth talker. At least he didn't put his foot in his mouth. Sure you give the guy a foot and he's gonna take a mile, but if you get your purchases for free and a nice foot cleanse outta the deal, what's really to complain about?

But alas, the po po took poor Joey away. Wonder if he will toe the line in the slammer?

Thank you so much to my friend Annie Faith who sent me this story and thought it was blog worthy material.

Story: Here

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Welcome Aboard Walmart Airlines

I know I just posted a bunch of crazy pictures yesterday, which is not my typical blog style. But my awesome friend Hot Tamale, sent these photos to me about Walmart shoppers who have taken to the friendly skies. I seriously could not resist sharing them with you today because I wet my pants a wee bit. Hope you get a chuckle as well.

At least someone is comfy.

Which body part is not like the others?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Did someone say free refills?

Those shoes are not a good choice for traveling.

Even skeletons deserve a vacation!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Feelin' Like Einstein

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks. If you have ever felt inferior in intelligence to your Ivy League educated colleague, have no fear, 'cause after you see these pictures that my good friend Mindy sent me, you will feel like freakin' Einstein.

Too much time learnin' spread eagles and herkies, and not enough time learnin' simple right from left and up from down.

 Think I'll hose 'er off just in case the poor man's car wash didn't do the job.

No bungee cords, no problem!!!!

Crash test doggie.

Dude, bein' able to do pull ups on your handle bars doesn't make you look cool when your bike is painted for the likes of a teenage girl.

Perhaps the delete button would be worth a shot?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Baby on Board

Oh Yeah folks, some Egyptian couple just gave that infamous sign a whole new meaning!!! Ya just gotta love some parents who try to smuggle their 5 month old infant into their luggage. The baby was discovered by customs officials when the couple's luggage went through the x-ray machine at the Sharjah International Airport in the United Arab Emirates. The couple has been arrested and charged with endangering their child's life.

During interrogation the couple said that the baby didn't have the proper travel documents, so they resorted to sneaking him through inside the bag so they could have him with them in the UAE. Damn, I know applying for a passport or Visa is a pain in the ass and all, but that is taking Baby on Board to an entirely different level. Plus, hidin' the kid in their suitcase didn't even allow them to board the plane early with the first class passengers. What dumb asses!!!

Ya know, I've always joked about sneaking inside someone's luggage when they were going on an amazing trip. But when you think about it, there wouldn't be any air in there, or trashy magazines, or snacks, or libations. What a kill joy!! Uh Yeah, and I guess there is that whole x-ray scanner thing that would light you up from the inside out.  I really wouldn't want to be radioactive material since I already survived Three Mile Island as a teenager.

LAWD, what would a baby do in a suitcase when he drops his pacifier? Guess his screams would be muffled purty good, but that seems kinda cruel. Ya also know there ain't no cute mobiles or noise makers to capture his attention in that cramped space. And what if he has a huge diaper blow out and the shit leaks all over your clothes? Now that is a crappy situation that could have been avoided with a simple trip to your local passport agency.

Perhaps the luggage ploy was not the best way to smuggle the infant huh? Next time go for the old strap on to the belly trick and pretend you are pregnant or have a huge fatty tumor. Or dope the little whippersnapper with Benadryl and tell TSA it's one of those new "lifelike dolls". That should buy you at least a good 6-8 hours while the baby is knocked out cold. It's worth a shot. Just sayin'.

Story: Here

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to Camp Cheerio we go!!!

Camp Cheerio is my boys' favorite place to go in the summer. Unfortunately, my 16 year old has aged out this year after attending for 8 years. Ry Guy loves this place so much he wrote a poem about it for this year's Young Authors' contest and won 1st place at his school competition and also won at the county level. Here it is for you to enjoy:

The Charm Of Cheerio
In the mountains of North Carolina there is a camp called Cheerio.
It is the place that every year I yearn to go.
Camp Cheerio is the all time favorite North Carolina treasure to me.
Nestled in Roaring Gap, there are mountains as far as you can see.
Staying for two weeks is really the only way to go
Believe me, the time certainly will not go slow.
The activities are many, including archery, riflery, horseback riding and climbing too,
Not to mention kayaking, hiking, fishing and Lego's to name a few.
Set in the middle of camp is a shimmering lake,
If you hear the story of Bootsie, that's to whom you might wake.
The pool and lake slide are really cool,
and if you are brave enough to do the zip line you really rule.
Our cabins are separated by ages
And the counselors work hard to earn their wages.
Meal time is social hour, and the food is mighty fine,
The meatball sub tastes especially divine.
And the fun doesn't end at the close of the day,
At night we play things like Thrive, Carnival and Predator Prey.
When its lights out and time to go to bed
You are so tired, you will be glad to lay down your head.
I look forward to going to Camp Cheerio every single year.
It is the one place I hold in my heart very near and dear.