Friday, June 29, 2012

Redneck Summer Survival Guide

So summer is in full force, the rugrats kids are drivin' you up the wall, and you can't wait for school to start again are lookin' for ways to keep them entertained while maintaining your sanity. Have no fear folks, 'cause I'm here to give you my top 10 redneck summer survival tips. Incorporate a few of these gems into your daily grind, and I guarantee you will be floating around in your favorite intertube quite swimmingly.

1. The #1 most important tip, is to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet (for you, not the kiddie poos). Be sure to always have on hand your favorite libations, for those unique times when your chirren decide to color the walls with permanent markers, or when they beat the shit outta each other because one of them wants to play Halo and the other wants to play Call of Duty. A shot of Momma's little helper goes a LONG way!!!!

2.  Invest in a quality pair of earplugs for the days when the entire neighborhood posse decides to turn your humble abode into the demolition derby.

3.  Sign up your pride and joys for as many summer camps as your wallet will allow. NEVAH feel the guilt about sleep away camp. You simply can't put a price on your sanity, and those camp counselors actually signed up for that gig.

4.  Restock the beer, wine and liquor.

5.  Since most of us can't afford to vacation for a month or two in the south of France while nannies tend to our precious darlings, find your escape in erotic novels. Believe me, your partner will thank you for it!!!!

6.  On rainy days, get down on your knees and pray for bedtime 'cause LAWD knows it can't come soon enough!!!!

7.  When boredom strikes and the whining starts, offer them "academic enrichment activities". You would be AMAZED how quickly those little whippersnappers can find something to do.

8.  A trip to the dollar store is worth its weight in gold!!!!

9.  If you don't already have a therapist, now is the time folks to start layin' on that couch and spillin' the beans!!!! What better way to survive the dog days of summer than to be mentally healthy!!!

10. Oh, did I mention alcoholic beverages???????????

Images via Google Images


  1. Well, of course this gets the Official Blue Orchid of Texas Gold Certificate Stamp of Approval. How could it not dahlin? Hang in there evah so nicely - the first day of class is on it's way. the BOOT

  2. AMEN. AMEN!
    And I vouch for the earplugs. I would be in a corner weeping somewhere without them. I use them every stinkin' day.

  3. The liquor picture is throwing me off... Rednecks don't drink Jameson, they drink Wild Turkey...

  4. We're taking a date night soon enough, hit up the club and listen to some awesome music. I'm looking forward to the drink night :)

  5. I have the princess signed up for full day camp all summer long. They keep her going from morning to late afternoon and she comes home docile and!!

  6. Now listen here -- you in a bikini? you in a bikini? You definitely look like you are 24!!! (and ... is that pool in your backyard?) Your humor about those rug-rats was charming! and ... didn't you list liquor 3 times? That's then only 7, lady, own up!!! hahaha

  7. Woooooooot-whew with a clickity click tongue in cheek and wink. That is my version of a cat-call whistle in writing.

  8. Isn't there somewhere you can go for some private nekkid time?

  9. I think you forgot to mention liquor . . . maybe I missed it? LOL

  10. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the sale of alcohol goes up dramatically during school holidays.

  11. Funny how Tip #5 is followed by a tip which includes the following words "get down on your knees."
    Sorry. I'm a pig.
    But, I've been drinking.
    Thanks, Tip #1!!!!

  12. LOL these are great tips, love #1 and #10 the best ;)