Saturday, June 30, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stripping down to their undies on the big screen? OH YEA BABY!!!!! I'll give you my Redneck Recap next week after I recover.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Redneck Summer Survival Guide

So summer is in full force, the rugrats kids are drivin' you up the wall, and you can't wait for school to start again are lookin' for ways to keep them entertained while maintaining your sanity. Have no fear folks, 'cause I'm here to give you my top 10 redneck summer survival tips. Incorporate a few of these gems into your daily grind, and I guarantee you will be floating around in your favorite intertube quite swimmingly.

1. The #1 most important tip, is to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet (for you, not the kiddie poos). Be sure to always have on hand your favorite libations, for those unique times when your chirren decide to color the walls with permanent markers, or when they beat the shit outta each other because one of them wants to play Halo and the other wants to play Call of Duty. A shot of Momma's little helper goes a LONG way!!!!

2.  Invest in a quality pair of earplugs for the days when the entire neighborhood posse decides to turn your humble abode into the demolition derby.

3.  Sign up your pride and joys for as many summer camps as your wallet will allow. NEVAH feel the guilt about sleep away camp. You simply can't put a price on your sanity, and those camp counselors actually signed up for that gig.

4.  Restock the beer, wine and liquor.

5.  Since most of us can't afford to vacation for a month or two in the south of France while nannies tend to our precious darlings, find your escape in erotic novels. Believe me, your partner will thank you for it!!!!

6.  On rainy days, get down on your knees and pray for bedtime 'cause LAWD knows it can't come soon enough!!!!

7.  When boredom strikes and the whining starts, offer them "academic enrichment activities". You would be AMAZED how quickly those little whippersnappers can find something to do.

8.  A trip to the dollar store is worth its weight in gold!!!!

9.  If you don't already have a therapist, now is the time folks to start layin' on that couch and spillin' the beans!!!! What better way to survive the dog days of summer than to be mentally healthy!!!

10. Oh, did I mention alcoholic beverages???????????

Images via Google Images

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I'm Wacky and I Know It!!!

WHOO HOO it's Wacky Wednesday time again!!! Since I'm extremely busy lazy today, I thought I would entertain you with a few wacky photos I found while searching the web. Enjoy folks!

 A slight twist on the wet t-shirt contest.

The Subway, where pants are optional.

The new Boy George camo fatigues.

Truer words have never been spoken- "Don't Do Drugs"!!!!!

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Images: Here

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Even The Score

Folks, if there is one thing I hate more than anything else on this earth, it's a pompous ass. I fancy myself as a down to earth redneck. An educated redneck mind you, but a redneck nonetheless. So, I just see no sense in people thinkin' they are better than anybody else.

However, douche bags are everywhere. Back in my college days there was this rich spoiled dude who thought he was "all that and a bag of chips". The chicks would all swoon over him, and drop everything for a chance to go out with Mr. Ass Clown. The lucky ones who dated him all told similar stories of how conceited he was, and how every chance he got he was lookin' in the mirror at himself.

Mr. Ass Clown dated quite a few of my friends, and I was gettin' really pissed off at the way he treated them. Some of these poor girls really let his ass hattery attitude effect their self esteem. So I got to thinkin' how I could even the score. One day in class, I summoned up my courage and told him I was having trouble with a particular topic, and since he was SO smart, I was wondering if he would tutor me. That sucker fell for it hook, line and sinker!!!!

 When he arrived at my apartment I had just baked a pan of delicious brownies as a treat to help us study. Mr. Ass Clown was chowin' down on those brownies like nobody's business, and he "tutored" me for about 40 minutes, in between lookin' in the mirror and tellin' me how great of an athlete he was in high school. When it came time for him to leave, I chuckled and told him I would see him in class. Poor fella never made it to class the next day, 'cause little did he know those chunks in my brownies were chocolate flavored Ex-Lax. Score one for the redneck chick!!!!

This post was written in response to Trifecta's 33-333 Word Writing Challenge to the word "score" meaning an account or reckoning originally kept by making marks on a tally; amount due; indebtedness.

Images via Google Images

Monday, June 25, 2012

Batten Down the Hatches- Here Comes Debby!!

Living here on the coast of southeastern North Cackalacky, we always have to keep our eye on the tropical storms, depressions and eventual hurricanes threatening our area just in case of an evacuation. Folks, I'm here to tell ya to batten down the hatches 'cause the latest one is named Debby, and them Debbys can be real bitches!!! Yeppers, if there's one person in this world you don't wanna mess around with, it's a chick named Debby. If you don't believe that, just ask any of the poor fellas who have to live with me.

Now I don't know what kinda image you have of a gal named Debbie, but most of us are not like the sweet, little innocent girl you see portrayed on the front of those delicious snack cakes. OH NO my friends!!!!! I did some research before writing this post and asked a bunch of chicks I know named Debbie, Deb, Deborah, Debra etc. what words they would use to describe themselves. Here are some of the answers I received: spunky, creative, downright bitchy, unforgettable, kind, feisty, funny, compassionate, smart, loud, obnoxious, goes for the gusto, a born leader, strong and kick ass. Overwhelmingly, these "Debbys" warned that if you ever piss them off, you will certainly regret it til your dying day. Hate to be a Debbie Downer on that last one folks, but just keepin' it real for ya.

Personally I have always despised the name Debbie. My mother calls me that when she's disappointed in me. Maybe it's just the way she enunciates the word, but when I hear someone say that name, it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I prefer the name Deb. In fact, lots of my friends call me by my first and last name- "Deb Church". It rolls off the tongue quite nicely I must say. However, the name Deb is a mere derivative of "Debby", and I fully concur with the descriptors listed above for the other cool women blessed with this name.

Don't misunderstand me here. Of course I hope tropical storm Debby doesn't cause massive destruction, but I am worried about her knowing the potential she has given her name. I just hope she lives up to her namesake and makes some sort of an impact ya know. The worst impression of all, is if she fizzles out and only becomes a blip on the radar screen, 'cause that ain't like no Debby I ever met before. She's gotta at least do something spectacular before she blows out to sea.

Funny thing is, the storm did come by way of Texas, and like my friend Thom pointed out, ya just gotta beware of any Debbie comin' via Dallas.  Perhaps for my hurricane party I'll rent me a copy of that famous X-rated movie, stock up on my favorite Debosas, and give a big shout out to my kindred spirit Debby. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Images via Google Images

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

There's my boy on the right taking off for a 2 week trip to Italy and Greece.
When Mr. Big Shot returns he'll be earnin' his keep schleppin' around some Chick Fil A grease!!!!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Sticky Shizz

So an unidentified woman using the restroom at a Monticello, Kentucky Walmart found herself superglued to the toilet seat and was trapped for at least an hour. Paramedics were called to the scene to remove her from the seat. Police are investigating the incident to try to determine whether this was an accident or intentional. Talk about some sticky shizz!!!!!

First of all, guess her Momma never taught her to squat over a public toilet seat and to NEVAH sit her bare hiney on one of those germ infested places. Use your thigh muscles girl and squat. Over time your rock hard quads will thank you. Plus, those paper seat covers ain't there just for decoration. If you gotta do #2, USE THEM!!!! You don't need to be gettin' the creepy crawlies just 'cause you a lazy fool.

 However, being the cynic that I am, I think this was an intentional act done by the victim herself. Super Glue dries purty darn fast and wouldn't work if someone else placed it on the seat just waiting for an unsuspecting soul. And, how in the hell did her butt get stuck so completely that paramedics had to remove her? What a cry for attention!!!! Personally, I can't imagine emergency personnel having to pry my old wrinkly ass off a Walmart toilet, but maybe she's got buns of steel and wanted to show off her assets!!! Somehow I kinda doubt that though bein' that she chose Walmart as her "stage".  MY GAWD, how would you like that to be your claim to fame?

So what do you think folks? Was the woman a victim or the perpetrator?

Story: Here
Image via Google Images

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Jorts- An American Original

It's Wacky Wednesday again folks, and since I'm a bit crazed this week, I thought I would give you a little rerun today of a guest post I did a couple of months ago for the lovely and talented Random Girl.

Summer is here folks. Time to put away those heavy winter clothes, and break out the duds for some fun in the sun. Ya know like a flowery sundress, a rockin' hot bikini, a versatile tank top, and an awesome pair of jorts. SERIOUSLY, what is summer without a pair of jorts???? The urban dictionary lists quite a few definitions for these flashy fashion staples. Some of my favorites are: a combination of the words "jeans" and "shorts" used to describe the hideous attire usually sported by NASCAR aficionados and men over 40; worn mostly by children and douchebags; jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like; and if you wear jorts you probably don't talk to girls. Well damn, I had no idea there was so much outrage about jorts. Hell, there's even entire websites devoted to people just "saying NO" to jorts!!!

When I was growing up in the dark ages, every man looked like this dude. He was your Dad, he was your teacher, he was your coach, he was your neighbor, and he wore jorts and no one gave it a second thought. Now granted I'm a transplanted Yankee livin' in a southern town, so maybe things are a bit different here. But if you wear jorts in these here parts, you are regarded as white trash. Lemme tell ya, there is a difference between white trash and redneck, according to my born and bred southern friends. Rednecks are just good ol' boys. White trash is scum, and folks don't take kindly to trash wearin' wife beaters and a pair of jorts.

But come on, when you can wear a one piece thong with a pair of jorts, the jorts become a necessary accessory!!!! Just look how fabulous the light blue denim color of the jorts brings out the pretty pattern in the one piece. Plus, the jorts fit nice and low on her hips to show perfect symmetry of her lower back for the full effect of the thong, while still leaving a bit for the imagination for her guy. A little teaser before her man wants to slide those jorts off and get busy.

 Now with gams like that, and an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of, jorts are the perfect choice to show off your assets. WORK IT GIRL!!!! She kinda makes me wanna sing the theme song from that old Nair commercial, "Who wears short jorts, we wear short jorts". And how about those fancy cutouts on her butt? That takes some special kinda talent if that was a DIY project.

But just when I thought me and my hubby didn't have any secrets from each other, I go through his drawers and what do I find? YEPPERS, a pair of Cherokee brand jorts, circa 1993.  Just goes to show ya folks, you can take the boy out of West Virginia, but you can't take the West Virginia out of the boy. I think I might go buy him a wife beater so he will have the perfect ensemble for date night.
Images via Google Images

Monday, June 18, 2012

Goin' Green All The Way?????

Folks, are you goin' green all the way to home plate, or just gettin' to first base? Now I'm all about doin' my part to save the environment, but a girl's gotta have limits . After reading an article years ago about how much paper is wasted on receipts at ATMs and at self-service gas stations, I no longer ask for a receipt. I also pay most of my bills on-line. Hell, sometimes I even take those reusable bags to the grocery store when I remember. However, I draw the line on goin' green in the boudoir. There are some things that just need to remain sacred, and being environmentally conscious ain't got no business when it comes to gettin' down and dirty!!!!

An article in Rodale talks about the growing interest of people wanting to keep toxins outta the bedroom and gives 10 ways to climax without harmful chemicals. I'm only gonna hit the highlights for ya and let you read the others in the privacy of your chambers if you so desire. First, the article talks about my favorite guilty pleasure- CHOCOLATE. Did you know that a compound in dark chocolate releases the same feel good endorphins triggered by sex, and that just one cube of dark chocolate a day can improve sexual function? HOORAY for chocolate!!! Unfortunately, the authors have to ruin my chocolate fantasies by saying that pesticides in non-organic chocolates have been linked to hormone disruption, defunct sperm and reproductive problems, and advises you to choose organic chocolate for best results. Speaking as a true chocoholic, I'm stickin' with my hometown Hershey's favorites and will indulge in Godiva for a special treat. No need to go organic when I know exactly what satisfies my sweet tooth and what gets my hormonal juices flowin'. Plus, on those crazy jacked up nights when I feel like meltin' a little bit of that chocolaty goodness on Uncle Jeffy for dessert, I sure as hell ain't thinkin' about what kinda pesticides I might be ingesting. Good ol' Hershey's melts just fine and dandy!

  In another one of the green sex tips, the article warns that toxic soap chemicals can harm your sex life, so you really want to clean and caress each other with 100% unscented pure organic soap and oils. Now I don't know about you ladies, but in my vast experience, if you ask a guy to get in the shower with you, he ain't gonna care what you clean and caress him with, and that whole wet, soapy deal will only enhance your sex life, not harm it!!! So lather up, and bring on those toxins baby 'cause they just goin' right down the drain anywho.

If you want to eliminate energy use associated with battery operated or rechargeable vibrators, the article suggests that a glass dildo may be just the thing for you. HHHHMMMMM, how would you explain that funky lookin' contraption to your kids that is in the dishwasher waiting to be cleaned? And, can you imagine if one of those glass thingamabobs shattered during a particularly energetic session? DAMN, I pity the chick who has to think up some crazy cockamaimie story for the ER doctor who draws the short straw on having the pleasant task of picking the glass shards outta her vajayjay. Uh yea, I think I'll just stick with the ol' stand by non-ecofriendly, plastic, battery operated model thank you very much.

However, the last green tip I will mention is one I can definitely alter to fit into my lifestyle. The article describes how non-organic cotton used to make underwear is made with loads of water and pesticides and advises that you only wear organic undies. For the love of GAWD people, save the earth and just go commando!!!!!!

Thank you to my friend and faithful reader Denise who sends me such great blog material.

Story and Images: Here

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

Dedicated to my Dad.

I'm sure my kids thought this about Uncle Jeffy during my fat, depressed stage.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Who You Gonna Tweet?

Anybody remember that awesome 80's movie "Ghostbusters"? It had quite a cult following, and that line, "Who you gonna call?", from its theme song became pretty famous. In my college days, whenever we were in trouble or had a problem, my friends and I would joke around and say, "Who you gonna call"? That famous Ghostbusters' line was just a classic!!! Well nowadays people don't really call anybody anymore, with all these new fangled inventions like FaceBook, texting and Twitter.

Hell, if you are Amanda Bynes, a C rated celebrity at best, and get arrested for DUI, you ain't gonna call nobody. Nope, you gonna tweet the commander in chief and plead your case like the twittiot you are. Yeppers, when Ms. Bynes was charged with DUI after she allegedly struck an LA County sheriff's cruiser, she sent this tweet, "Hey @Barack Obama I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end". Shockingly, the President did not respond to Ms. Bynes' tweet.

Ya gotta give the gal credit for having some cajones, and for being so completely self absorbed that she actually thought that giving a shout out to the leader of the free world by Twitter could help her outta her sticky situation. Oh yea, and since when does a police officer get fired for simply doing his job? Of course celebrities are above the law aren't they? Silly me for thinkin' otherwise. Ya know, maybe if this chick was some HUGE celebrity like Oprah I could kinda understand the tweet? Oprah would get results fo' sho!!!! Of course with the millions that Oprah spent on Obama's campaign, she probably has her buddy's private line on speed dial. So, "who she gonna call"? The PREZ! I highly doubt Oprah would go slummin' on Twitter like that when she can dial direct.

So let this be a lesson to ya folks. Next time you find yourself in a quandary, ask yourself, "Who you gonna tweet"?

Story: Here
Image via Google Images

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

All the Better to See You With My Dear

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and today I have a modern day version of one of my all time favorite Fairy Tales for you. I'm sure all of you remember the story of Little Red Riding Hood innocently skipping through the forest on her way to her Grandmother's house when she encounters a wolf. The wolf eats poor Grandma and dresses up like the little old woman, and when Little Red Riding Hood arrives, she says, "Grandma, what big eyes you have". The wolf replies, "All the better to see you with my dear".

 Well, believe it or not folks, there are some stupid ass criminals right here in my local community who sort of fall into a modern day version of Little Red Riding Hood. Ya see, there was a local optometrist who was skipping merrily to her humble abode when she heard noises in her house and found a window open. Fearing a break in, she called the local law dogs. When the po po came to her house to investigate, what did they find? Well, there were no intruders, but there was an entire marijuana growing operation in the basement. Detectives found dried and processed marijuana in various states of preparation, an indoor growing tent, lights, ventilation, storage containers, smoking devices and two guns. Uh yeah, do ya think that was a smart idea callin' the cops if you had that kinda shizz goin' on down in your basement? Perhaps ya coulda used those guns to defend yourself from the "intruders". Just sayin'.
Sheila Cooper's mugshot

So you know there's that whole body of evidence that says marijuana can reduce pressure on the eyes caused from glaucoma. Ten to one odds Mrs. Cooper's defense is going to be that she was growing pot for medicinal purposes since she's an optometrist. Can't you just see the law dogs talking to her after they found the illegal operation: "Oh my Mrs. Cooper, what big marijuana plants you have". Come on folks say it with me. You already know her reply, "All the better to see you with my dear".

Story: Here
Image via Google Images

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Octomom Workin' Hard For the Money

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do right? Especially when she's got 14 mouths to feed, filed for bankruptcy last month, and is a year behind on her mortgage payments. It's only natural she would use her best assets while staying true to herself right? Such is the case with Nadya Suleman, better known as Octomom. While being open about her money troubles, Octomom has vowed to never sell her body for funds. So instead, she finds a loophole in her vow, poses topless and films a masturbation video. There ya have it folks. Solo porn technically does not violate her vow of selling her body because she says she's not getting paid to have sex with another person. Go figure!!!!

HOT DAMN, look at that porn makeover!!!! Talk about going from drab to fab!! That chick sure as hell don't look like she popped out 14 young'uns fo' sho!!! With a bodacious bod like that, Octomom earned 10 grand for her solo porn flick. GEEZ, I really need to rethink this whole blogging gig if there's that kinda cash to be made just by gettin' your rocks off in front of the camera. Seriously, that's like earning $3,333 per minute 'cause I'm lickety split when it comes to self lovin'. And sex must certainly sell folks 'cause Vivid Entertainment has also offered Ms. Suleman $1,000 a day to work as a production assistant on one of their upcoming adult films. Sounds to me like "production assistant" is just a fancy name for one of them "fluffers" who do all the behind the scenes work gettin' the stars rock hard and ready to perform for the camera. The job does not require her to have sex and there is no nudity involved. WOW, sounds like Octomom has found a niche in the porn industry where she can bring in the big bucks without breaking that promise to herself 'cause she won't be technically having sex with another person. Them 14 little rug rats are sure gonna be proud of their Momma!!!!

Now unfortunately Nadya cancelled her upcoming stripping gig at T's lounge in Florida next month after she heard that employees were talking trash about her. The pole dancin' wannabe was supposed to perform topless twice nightly at the club in West Palm Beach. If it wasn't for those other jealous bitches, Octomom would be shakin' her money maker around that pole gettin' dollar bills stuffed in her G-string. That would have certainly put food on the table for all of those whipper snappers. I mean look at the size of those chumbuwumbas!!! But she sounds like a resourceful gal, so I have no doubt she will find another establishment more to her likin'.

If all else fails, I suppose she could make an honest livin' at Hooters 'cause she sure has a helluva pair of 'em!!! And hey, their wings ain't bad either. She can bring all her little munchkins out on Tuesday nights for the kids' special, sit 'em down in front of the big screen TV while she works her shift, and it's a win/win baby.

Story: Here

Saturday, June 9, 2012

This Shizz Called Rap Ain't Nuthin' But Crap

The past 3 years of my life
have been filled with hardcore strife.
My kids have a new fondness for rap.
I, on the other hand, think it's total crap.
All I wanna do is turn off that freakin' hip hop nation.
And go back to jammin' on the cool pop station.
I just don't see how my two boys
Can put up with all of that useless noise.
Gangstas sure do like to cuss!
It's no wonder I put up such a fuss!

When I hear songs from Lil Wayne
All it does is cause me pain.
People like Drake, Rick Ross and Nicki Minaj
MY GAWD, I wish they were all just a mirage!
Regardless of the sweet sound of his name,
I hate Eminem all the same.
Then they turn on someone named Mac Miller,
And I think, "Damn, that dude's gotta be a killer"!
Need I even tell you how I feel about Chris Brown?
His extracurricular antics just make me frown.
Kanye West will tell you he's da best.
He seriously causes palpitations in my chest.
Then when I hear someone like Jay Z,
I get on my knees and say this merciful plea:

This post was written in response to Trifecta's writing challenge in which the writer was to post a creative memoir about a period in their life that can be identified by the number 3.
Images Via: Google Images

Friday, June 8, 2012

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Split Heard 'Round the World

Folks, I love me a woman who can rock some confidence, and I have NEVAH seen someone more confident about herself than 27 year old Lulu, the plus size pole dancer who auditioned for America's Got Talent. Lemme tell ya, she fucking OWNS that pole like nobody's business!!! Although she ain't gonna be struttin' her stuff in Vegas, she is available for private parties. This gal can shake her money maker, climb up that pole, and give you dudes your money's worth fo' sho!!!! And that dramatic drop split at the end is definitely somethin' to see. I'm callin' that move "the split heard 'round the world" 'cause when this gal drops it like it's hot, the whole world knows it baby. Have a little look/see at the video, and you will understand why Lulu's choice of song, "I Just Wanna Make Love to You" is absolute perfection.

In other news I want to thank the ultra cool, hilariously funny and multi-talented Write, Rinse, Repeat who thought I was worthy of the Kreative Blogger Award. If you aren't already reading and/or following her blog, what's wrong with you??? She freakin' rocks and keeps me in stitches!!!! Since I already played by the rules, answered the questions, and told you random facts about myself in a previous post, I'm not going to bore you again. So, I'm just going to graciously accept my award and Thank GAWD I'm not an 18 time loser like Susan Lucci!!!!

Image: Here

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

It's Wacky Wednesday again folks and today I'm singin' that old song from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood (yes I'm dating myself I know): "It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine, could you be mine...... won't you please, won't you please, please won't you be my neighbor?"

I was inspired to sing this particular song after hearing so many friends talk about this wacky story on The Today Show about 49 year old Lori Christensen who has harassed her neighbors Kim and Greg Hoffman for several years. Click on the site for an entertaining video, and believe me, after watching, you ain't gonna want this weirdo as your neighbor!  She shouts obscenities at The Hoffmans and their daughters, does crazy gestures, mocks drinking alcohol because Mrs. Hoffman is a recovering alcoholic, and she makes huge ass signs for her garage such as "I saw mommy kissing a breathalyzer". Check out some of her handiwork:
Who does that shizz???? Obviously a certifiably, card carrying nutcase with WAY too much time on her hands. The Hoffmans became virtual prisoners in their own backyard in order to avoid Ms. Loony Tunes, who is their neighbor directly across from their front yard.
There's a mugshot of the neighbor from hell, who says she had a psychological exam but was told that if she was a man, she would not be facing criminal charges. She claims that because she is a single female with a good job, and the biggest house in the neighborhood, that is why she is going to jail for her antics. Whoo Wee, can you say delusional???? One look/see at that video clip and I say either she needs a respite in the loony bin, or her shrink is a freakin' quack 'cause this chick is clearly off her rocker.

Now Mr. Rogers would have just put on his sweater and Keds and taken Ms. Christensen a nice homebaked goodie over to her house. They would have had a chat about The Golden Rule of treating others how you would like them to treat you, and probably would have ended with a hug. They may have even broke into song harmonizing beautifully over "Please won't you be my neighbor".

But who really does that in the real world??? The Hoffmans served Ms. Christensen with numerous restraining orders, which she has violated, she has pleaded guilty to a couple of counts, and has even served time in jail over her bizarre behavior. Clearly she has not learned her lesson. It's time for a serious smack down folks!!! So Hoffmans if you really want results, ya gotta go redneck on this bitch and open up a can of whoop ass on her. I ain't never seen that remedy fail in my ripe ol' age. So, give me a holler, 'cause I got some down and dirty tricks for ya that will make that chick run for cover like nobody's business. I learned from the best redneck around who grew up in the heart of Hatfield country, and those McCoys still keep their distance.

And if all else fails, I hear Tonya Harding is for hire. I'm sure she can still find some lackeys who would love to bash the ol' club around. I love ya Mr. Rogers, (God rest your soul), but sometimes ya gotta keep it real!

Pictures: Here  

Monday, June 4, 2012

A New Age BFF

Over the weekend, I got together with a couple of girlfriends for a little wine and dine at a local establishment. My friend Melanie pulled out her latest high tech gadget that promises your wish is its command. Now I have never been a gadget kinda gal. I have a crackberry, on which I only use the email and texting features.  I still can't even figure out how to surf the web on my phone, nor do I care. But this IPhone 4S, sure is somethin' special!!!!

Its got this built in computer thingy called Siri who can be your new BFF. The website touts all sorts of features that Siri can do such as: "It understands what you say; it knows what you mean; it helps you do the things you do every day; and it has so much to tell you". Well, lemme tell ya folks, after a couple bottles of wine we decided to put Siri to the test.

Melanie asked Siri for directions, and just like some turban headed New York City cab driver, Siri delivered spot on directions to her choice destination. Our friend Julie asked a routine recipe question and Siri turned all Martha Stewart on us. Pretty cool I must say. But then we decided to have some real fun and see if Siri could hang with the big girls. Our first question was, "Siri, do you like to give blowjobs"? Answer, "Siri does not like to talk about myself". What kind of BFF is that who only likes to give information, but not willing to share any about itself???? Talk about a selfish bitch!!!!!!

Next question, "How do you perform cunnilingus"? Answer, "Siri does not know that word but will try to locate it for you Melanie". HHHHMMMMM, I suppose Siri needs to go back and take basic sex ed 'cause that is somethin' I would DEFINITELY want my fancy schmancy pocket gadget to know fo' sho!!!! Seriously, the thing talks to you, plays music, and even vibrates, but can't perform oral sex and give a gal her happy ending?????? What a damn tease!!!! Geez, my $29.99 old fashioned gizmo that I keep in my bedside table might not have all the bells and whistles of this swanky phone but at least it gets the job done.

Last question, "What is your favorite sexual position"? Answer, "Siri does not understand the question".  No matter how many times we asked this question, we got the same response. I have a sneaky suspicion that Siri was just trying to avoid the question because it was too embarrassed to talk about sex. Now I don't know about you folks, but anybody who can't talk about sex, just ain't no friend of mine!!!! So bottom line is Siri sure knows lots of cool stuff, but when it comes time to get down and dirty, Siri is a damn prude!

read to be read at

Image: Here 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

It wasn't the first time I visited South of the Border.
But since when do pets do their business in order?
My dog takes a dump in the grass.
A toilet ain't no place for a canine's ass!

This weekend wisecrack was written is response to Trifecta's Writing Challenge . The challenge was to finish a story from the first 5 words "It wasn't the first time" using exactly 33 words.