Just in case y’all thought that Rednecks were exclusive to the South, let me tell y’all about a little tale of Redneckery from North of the Border.
In a city whose only claim to fame is the Chrysler mini-van, we had an infamous jewel thief come to town! Imagine, little old Windsor Ontario drawing in a jewel thief of this dude's caliber. The thief - Richard Matthews likes to do the old switch-a-roo. He walks into a jewelry store and asks to look at diamonds, and then he swaps a Cubic Zirconia for the real McCoy. I had no idea that they made Cubic Zirconia small enough to ever be mistaken for the real deal. Isn’t the whole idea behind a Cubic Zirconia to get that bad boy so big you need a wheelbarrow to cart it around?
Richard fumbled the switch though and the saleslady caught on. Now this story don’t end with Richard getting caught, oh hell no! When it became obvious that Richard was going to have to face Windsor’s finest he swallowed the evidence!
Police couldn’t charge Richard with possession of stolen property until he “passed” the $20,000 diamond. So Richard got to spend the next 10 days in a jail cell without a toilet. That’s right, if Richard felt the urge he had to ask for a bucket so police would have the opportunity to recover the stolen property. Now apparently Richard suffers from constipation because there was a lot of hemming and hawing over how best to get that diamond back. The prisoner agreed to take laxatives to speed things up. I sure hope that bucket was big enough for Richard to hang on to when those laxatives took effect.
Normally prisoners only get a burger (not even a cheeseburger!) and a juice box at mealtimes, but because everyone was so anxious for Richard to shit or get off the pot Richard got to eat whatever he wanted while in jail, including take-out from some of our more upscale eating establishments. I’m not sure how thought out that plan was though because I’ve noticed that upscale restaurants like to give you some dinky portions, wouldn’t that just slow the “ahem” process down? They should have given Richard some Chinese food. Chinese food makes me go every time, plus there’s always lots of it.
Coppers got so anxious waiting for that diamond to show up they even got the guy in for an ultrasound. Now here in Canada where our medical care is covered, you might wait months for an ultrasound. Buddy here though swallows a diamond and he gets rushed right through the waiting list to front of the line! This story was such big news that we even had a Professional Regurgitator from Britain’s Got Talent offer his expert advice! Hey I’m happy that our local asshattery gave some dude whose talent is swallowing and producing billiard balls at will a little bit of media love.
Now since all things must pass (eventually) Richard did finally pass that diamond. I bet he’s laughing his ass off at whoever had to sift through 10 days of his waste. I’m sure he laughed real hard on day 8 when he passed one of the Cubic Zirconia first. I’m happy to say the diamond has been returned to the jewelry store it was stolen from, but really I hope that sucker comes with a discount now. Can you imagine being the poor woman who gets an engagement ring with that diamond in it?Image: Google Images