Wednesday, May 30, 2012

How Do Ya Like Your Face?

Welcome to another addition of Wacky Wednesday folks. Today I have a wacky question for ya? When you go to a restaurant, how do ya like your face prepared? Grilled, sauteed, blackened, broiled or fried? Well, if you are a zombie I guess you like face straight up.

Yeppers, that's how Rudy Eugene liked the face of Ronald Poppo as he chewed it off down in Miami the other day in what witnesses are calling the most gruesome attack they have ever seen. A naked Eugene attacked the homeless Poppo, and after police and witnesses repeatedly yelled at him to get off the man, Eugene just growled at them, baring his teeth with flesh hanging from his mouth. Police were forced to shoot and kill Eugene.

Damn, the zombie apocalypse has definitely arrived folks!!! Apparently all ya gotta do is take some new drug called bath salts and it turns you into a cannibal. And here I thought bath salts were just a little somethin' special I poured into my tub every night to make my skin nice and silky. Guess I better warn my family to batten down the hatches when I go into my bathroom every night for my "Deb time", or else they are gonna end up as my midnight snack. I must say my little Ry Guy has some good meat on his bones so he will be the first one in serious danger!!!! We didn't nickname his legs "hamhocks" for nuthin' ya know. A zombie's gotta love some meat don't ya think??? Uncle Jeffy and my 16 year old are long and lean so I would save them for last. Flesh and bone just don't seem worth the effort.

Now Mr. Eugene did leave Mr. Poppo's goatee in tact, so that tells me zombies don't like hair. Good thing 'cause hair balls just make ya cough and hack all over the place. Plus, both my kids have really cool hair, and when I come outta my bath tub all hyped up on my bath salts ready for my zombie attack, I don't wanna ruin their hair. For once in his life, I'll bet Uncle Jeffy is damn glad he's bald!!!! No danger of zombie Deb chowin' down on his hair. 

Of course I do like some seasonings with my meat. So, unlike Mr. Eugene, I'm gonna keep some garlic salt, pepper and parsley by my bathtub for when I go into zombie mode. Hell, I may go all out and sprinkle some Old Bay on my victims. I've always been known to be a bit hot and spicy!!!!!!

Story: Here

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Decay of the Debosa

Folks you can call me many things, (and believe me I'm not easily offended), but don't EVAH call me a gal who doesn't know what kinda cocktail she knows and loves. I'm famous for my Debosa. That term was coined by my good friend Vanessa because of my affinity for a glass of champagne, topped off with a splash of mimosa, hence a "Debosa". Well, this weekend was Memorial Day weekend, the first weekend of SUMMAH. The weekend where everybody in this coastal town chillaxes by the pool, hits the beach, goes boating etc. And the weekend wouldn't be the same without my favorite cocktail.

Ya know, I'm NEVAH outta champagne, as I buy my bubbly by the case. However, I severely misjudged my supply of orange juice for the holiday weekend. Mind you, I only need a splash of OJ to take the edge off the champagne, but a splash of OJ goes a LOOOOOONG way into making my Debosa somethin' special.

Come Monday, I realized there was no OJ in the house. Horror of horrors fo' sho!!!! By the time I realized this unspeakable tragedy, Uncle Jeffy and I were in no condition to drive to the store to purchase any of that liquid vitamin C. So, as they say, "when the tough gets goin', the tough get creative". I used the only thing I had available in the fridge, which was diet green tea, to top off my champagne. Talk about the decay of the Debosa!!!! DAMN, I don't care how many antioxidants green tea might contain, it just can't compare to the sweetness of that yummy fruit. That green tea just made my famous Debosa fall into ruin.

Cheers to ya folks with this nasty shit until I can get me some fresh, delicious OJ with no pulp. That's what I'm talkin' about baby!!!!!

This post was written in response to my virgin attempt at Trifecta's Writing Challenge to the word "decay".

Friday, May 25, 2012

A Whole New Kinda Love

Have you ever been in love? I mean truly, "wholeheartedly" in love? You know the feeling. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Well, I've been married for almost 26 years, and thought I found my true soul mate until just the other day. Sorry Uncle Jeffy, but I have to follow my heart. As soon as I saw the object of my affection, my palms started to sweat, my heart started beating faster, and my belly felt like it had little butterflies fluttering around inside. The worst part was having to fight off the literally thousands of other admirers just to get some face time. But once I did so, it was SOOOOOOO worth it because our love is so pure, so "wholesome" that I know there is no going back to mediocrity.

 Me in front of the grand opening Wednesday

That's right folks, Whole Foods just opened in little ol' Wilmington, North Cackalacky and there's a "whole" lotta lovin' to be found inside. Now those of you who live in fancy cities, you may not think this is any big deal. But for this small town where I live, this is THE hugest thing to come to town since Robert Downey Jr. arrived a couple of weeks ago to film a movie. MY GAWD, the fresh fruits and veggies, the organic this and that, the selection of prepared foods, amazing stuff like coconut soap, cucumber shampoo, feta goat cheese, and gorgeous flowers just sent my clitoris into orgasmic spasms like nuthin' I've ever experienced before. And LAWD, the smell of all that freshly baked bread made my "whole" nipple erect and stand up at attention. I seriously had to step outside before I had multiple orgasms right there in the produce section. But then I saw the tent outside selling salmon and fresh shrimp and the "whole" tingly sensation started again.

No more going store to store to find everything I need or desire. The "wholehog" is right here baby. Where I was once a fractured being, I am now finally complete and "whole".

Thanks so much to my Hot Tamale friend for the inspiration for this post and not getting pissed at me for completely ripping off her photo idea. Hey, plagiarism is the best form of flattery right????

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Movie Hero!!!

Forget about any of those pumped up superheros in The Avengers folks, cause I found me a real live movie hero in Seattle. The kind of guy who ain't afraid to tell you to shut your mouth, and if you don't listen, he's gonna open up a can of whoop ass on ya. Yeppers, that's my kind of dude alright!!!

Yong Hyun Kim was enjoying "Titanic" 3-D with his girlfriend when he asked the people behind him to quiet down and stop throwing popcorn. They started laughing at him, and Mr. Kim took a swing at one of the offenders, knocking out his tooth and bloodying his nose. Turns out the "noisemaker" was only 10 years old. Minor detail. But hey, next time an adult asks that kid to shut up, do ya think he'll listen????? Sure hope the tooth fairy left somethin' a little extra under that kid's pillow though. At least he can say he won somethin' in the prize fight.

Now we all have some pet peeves, but I have quite a few when it comes to going to the movies. Indulge me a little bit here folks while I rant. Since we are heading into Memorial Day weekend, I thought many of you might be hittin' the theatres and could relate to my ranting and raving.

1. The 6 ft. 8 in. gargantuan who sits directly in front of me when there are plenty of other seats available.

2. The ass clown who not only leaves their cell phone turned on, but insists on taking a call when it rings to the likes of "Ice Ice Baby".

3. The hyperactive, sugar buzzed person sitting behind me whose foot can't stop shaking and kicking the back of my chair at 55 miles an hour.

4. The inconsiderate parent who brings their 3 month old crying, fussy infant to the theatre. If you can afford to go to a movie, you can afford a babysitter.

5. The soda slurper who acts like they are dying of thirst and thinks there just HAS to be one more drop of liquid at the bottom of their cup.

6. The annoying commenter who feels the need to interject their opinion about every detail of the movie.

7. The non-multitasker who can't figure out how to do everything in one trip to the concession stand, and instead walks back and forth through my aisle several times during a 2 hour movie.

Okey dokey, so there ya have it folks. At least I now have a cure for my pet peeves. Next time I go to the theatre I'm callin' up my movie hero Mr. Kim and askin' him to be my date. He ain't takin' no shit from nobody, and I'm lookin' forward to seein' him whip out some Kung Fu moves on the gargantuan. HIIII YAHHHHH!!!!

Story: Here
Image via Google Images

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Human Sling Shot

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday, the day where I try to bring you folks news of the weird and wacky from around the globe. Today's hot topic comes from Ramsey, Minnesota where a 50 year old dude blindfolded himself, exposed his junk, tied his wrists and ankles to two trees while waiting for anonymous sex near a public park. Oh, and he was even reportedly sitting on a sling.

Lemme tell ya, I have read Fifty Shades of Grey, and just when I thought Christian was fifty shades of fucked up, along comes a real live dude who does something like this and proves that he's even more wacked out than a fictional character. Truth is always stranger than fiction huh? So there's Alan Petrusson's mug shot after he removed his blindfold and hopefully pulled up his pants. I guess the po po replaced the ropes with some cuffs. Wonder how Mr. Petrusson likes metal instead of twine?

Now I can understand being tied up and blindfolded for a night of some kinky action. But puttin' yourself out there in a public place for some stranger to come along and have their way with you is bat shit crazy. Who knows if your partner would be male or female, or is that part of the allure???? However, I do think it was a smart idea that Mr. Petrusson blindfolded himself 'cause ya know he didn't want to look at the ugly skank who took him up on his offer. There just ain't no way that person was gonna be purty. Probably had a face only a Momma could love. But I'm thinkin' this wacko is also one selfish bastard. His hands are tied to a tree so he can't pleasure anybody with his fingers. He's obviously not a giver, and sex is all about give AND take.  Plus, he has really limited himself to the types of sexual positions he will be able to contort his body into being tied between trees in that manner. Some people like to shake things up a bit with a little variety. Just sayin'!! And what if he did all of this preparation and still got rejected? Talk about feeling like a total loser!!! I mean damn, if you hog tied yourself to a tree with your genitals exposed, and still couldn't get laid, you are one sorry mother fuckin' loser!!!!!

My hope for this guy is that some stranger came along and really maximized the whole experience for him. Just when Mr. Petrusson was ready to climax, it would be awesome if the stranger had loosened the ropes, pulled that sling back and sent his crazy ass flyin' through the trees. What a truly orgasmic experience that would have been. Talk about givin' the human sling shot a whole new meaning baby!!!!! His shot of semen would be slingin' through the air more than anyone thought humanly possible!!! WHOO WEE!!!!!!

Full story: Here
Images: Google Images

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sketchy Skechers

Hey folks did you hear that Skechers Shape-ups fitness shoes has agreed to a $40 million settlement after the company was hit with a lawsuit for making unfounded claims. Apparently if you bought Skecher's Resistance Runner Toners or Tone-Up shoes you are not guaranteed to lose weight and strengthen muscles in your butt, stomach and legs like their clinical studies claim. And get this, it may not be true that these amazing shoes actually do more for Kim Kardashian's figure than her personal trainer like she touts in the ads. SERIOUSLY, I can't fucking believe that????????

 I thought all I had to do was buy a pair of these magic shoes that cost between $60 and $100, walk a few laps around the block, and my body would be instantly smokin' hot. Forget about that ol' fashioned notion of diet and exercise. Hell, if you can get a quick fix by buying these fashionable sneakers, why not right??? Even Joe Montana was schleppin' these puppies sayin' they improved his stamina. I mean if Joe Cool, a Hall of Fame Quarterback says somethin', then it must be true. I am literally shocked to find out that Skechers can't hold up to their claims.

However, there is good news folks. If you were duped by these Shape-Ups and your body is still flabby and unsightly, all you have to do is go online and fill out a form in order to receive a refund. You really don't even have to provide any documentation that you actually bought the shoes in the first place. THANK GAWD the company will believe any lazy fat ass who tries to get in on the action. So go rejoice by having your double whopper with cheese, large fries and a chocolate shake. No need to feel guilty by exercising later 'cause your refund will be comin' in the mail in 6-12 weeks. WHOO HOO!!!!

As for me, I'm filling out my claim form 'cause I'm pissed as hell that no matter how many laps around my cul de sac I do with my pretty little Shape-Ups my booty still don't look like this:

Yeah, that's right Skechers, I'm talkin' to YOU!!! Baby got back and I want it!!!! I'm joinin' that settlement claim and I'm gonna take a piece of you.

Images: Here, Here and Google Imagesread to be read at

Monday, May 21, 2012

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

WHOO HOO do I ever have a treat to start off your week folks!!!! My Canadian blogging pal Vanessa at 5 things about nothing important bestowed upon me the illustrious Leibster Award, and instead of just thanking her and linking back, I thought all of you lucky readers deserved to read this chick's hilarity 'cause she makes me laugh and pee my pants a bit. I'm tellin' ya, this is some funny shit-literally. Warning, your morning coffee may come outta your nose while reading the following post. If you haven't already followed Vanessa and her 5 things, you certainly need to!!! Take it away Vanessa:


Just in case y’all thought that Rednecks were exclusive to the South, let me tell y’all about a little tale of Redneckery from North of the Border.

In a city whose only claim to fame is the Chrysler mini-van, we had an infamous jewel thief come to town! Imagine, little old Windsor Ontario drawing in a jewel thief of this dude's caliber. The thief - Richard Matthews likes to do the old switch-a-roo. He walks into a jewelry store and asks to look at diamonds, and then he swaps a Cubic Zirconia for the real McCoy. I had no idea that they made Cubic Zirconia small enough to ever be mistaken for the real deal. Isn’t the whole idea behind a Cubic Zirconia to get that bad boy so big you need a wheelbarrow to cart it around?

Richard fumbled the switch though and the saleslady caught on. Now this story don’t end with Richard getting caught, oh hell no! When it became obvious that Richard was going to have to face Windsor’s finest he swallowed the evidence!

Police couldn’t charge Richard with possession of stolen property until he “passed” the $20,000 diamond. So Richard got to spend the next 10 days in a jail cell without a toilet. That’s right, if Richard felt the urge he had to ask for a bucket so police would have the opportunity to recover the stolen property. Now apparently Richard suffers from constipation because there was a lot of hemming and hawing over how best to get that diamond back. The prisoner agreed to take laxatives to speed things up. I sure hope that bucket was big enough for Richard to hang on to when those laxatives took effect.

Normally prisoners only get a burger (not even a cheeseburger!) and a juice box at mealtimes, but because everyone was so anxious for Richard to shit or get off the pot Richard got to eat whatever he wanted while in jail, including take-out from some of our more upscale eating establishments. I’m not sure how thought out that plan was though because I’ve noticed that upscale restaurants like to give you some dinky portions, wouldn’t that just slow the “ahem” process down? They should have given Richard some Chinese food. Chinese food makes me go every time, plus there’s always lots of it.

Coppers got so anxious waiting for that diamond to show up they even got the guy in for an ultrasound. Now here in Canada where our medical care is covered, you might wait months for an ultrasound. Buddy here though swallows a diamond and he gets rushed right through the waiting list to front of the line! This story was such big news that we even had a Professional Regurgitator from Britain’s Got Talent offer his expert advice! Hey I’m happy that our local asshattery gave some dude whose talent is swallowing and producing billiard balls at will a little bit of media love.

Now since all things must pass (eventually) Richard did finally pass that diamond. I bet he’s laughing his ass off at whoever had to sift through 10 days of his waste. I’m sure he laughed real hard on day 8 when he passed one of the Cubic Zirconia first. I’m happy to say the diamond has been returned to the jewelry store it was stolen from, but really I hope that sucker comes with a discount now. Can you imagine being the poor woman who gets an engagement ring with that diamond in it?
Image: Google Images

Friday, May 18, 2012

R.I.P. Disco Queen

"Dim All The Lights" folks 'cause the original disco queen herself, Ms. Donna Summer, died yesterday at the age of 63. "Heaven Knows" that a "Bad Girl" like me, who would listen to her songs "On The Radio" and boogie down like a fool, is feelin' mighty sad about her passing. That woman was "Hot Stuff" and certainly "Worked Hard For Her Money" over the years. She put a smile on my face many a night in clubs, at girlfriends' houses, and in the privacy of my chambers. "I Feel Love" when I think of the queen of disco and the "Last Dance" will never be the same without her.

Image via Google Images

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Still Got The Saturday Night Fever!!

Well, here it goes folks. I'm layin' it out there for ya. My real world friends know this about me, but for those of you virtual friends you may be shocked to learn this, and may find yourselves either clicking off this post right now, or worse yet, unfollowing my blog altogether. But, I have always promised to keep it real for ya, and I see no sense in lyin' to ya now. I'm the type of gal who either likes you or I don't. There's really no 50/50 with me, and believe me, you know it if you ain't on my good list. I usually make up my mind within the first 10 minutes of meeting somebody, and my gut instinct rarely misguides me. My 16 year old calls me judgmental, but at my ripe ol' age, I feel entitled to that and I make no apologies for my opinions.

Anyway, when it comes to celebrities, I read my People magazine from cover to cover the day it arrives in my mailbox, and God bless your soul if you dare interrupt me!!!!! From all of my "research" there are certain celebrities that I instantly make judgments about, and it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that I'm probably not too far off base. For instance, Lindsay Lohan is a hot mess, Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock are known as the nicest people in Hollywood, Nicholas Cage and Woody Harrelson are just WAY out there on the fringes of society, and Beyonce is serious high maintenance. Most other celebrities are debatable and left to your own personal opinion. Such is the case of John Travolta.

Personally, I have always had the Travolta FEVAH, ever since Saturday Night Fever hit the theatres in 1977. Yea, I've heard those rumors over the years that he's gay and his marriage to the beautiful Kelly Preston is a sham, but I really don't give a shit about that. I like the guy and I'm a loyal fan. So when this latest scandal hit the news about my Johnny being involved in sexual misconduct with male masseuses, I really didn't give a flyin' fuck. First of all, if John disrobed, gave some guy a naked hug, and offered the dude $12,000 in exchange for sex, I would say to the dude that he is one lucky bastard 'cause I'm jealous as hell!!!! I would actually pay $12,000 for that scenario to happen to me any day of the week baby!!! Sign me the hell up to be on that cruise ship where Johnny boy is soliciting for sex!!!! Yeppers, John could look at me with those deep blue eyes, take me in his arms while the Bee Gees were softly singin', "say you'll always be my baby we can make it shine, we can take forever just a minute at a time, More Than a Woman, More Than a Woman to Me". And you can bet your sweet ass I would be more than a woman (WHATEVAH in the hell that means) in order to please the winner of that disco ball.

Secondly, if these allegations are true, you already got your hush money you fool, so shut your pie hole and stop tryin' to extort anymore money. If two consenting adults entered into somethin', end of story. And seriously, this whole deal with guys comin' out of the woodwork is playin' out just like the theme song, "satisfaction, came in a chain reaction, I couldn't get enough, so I had to self destruct..... Burn Baby Burn, Disco Inferno, Burn Baby Burn"!  Just remember boys, Travolta's career is gonna be Stayin' Alive a lot longer than your 15 minutes of fame, so you might not want your life to turn out to be Pulp Fiction.

So just a shout out to my guy John. There's always gonna be haters, but ya gotta keep on stayin' true to yourself. And hey, I know ya come to Wilmington every now and again to shoot a movie, so next time you are in the area, I want ya to know: "You are supreme, the chicks'll cream, for greased lightnin"!!!!!!

My blogging buddy Jax at Raviolis & Waterworks posted about this subject yesterday. Take a peek at her take on this whole ordeal.

Images: Here and Google Images

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dinosaurs Are NOT Extinct

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and I'm here to tell ya that dinosaurs are alive and well on this planet of ours. You may have thought they all died out due to some asteroid, volcanic activity, or even the ice age some 65 million years ago, but that just ain't true. Nope, dinosaurs are right here in your friends' and neighbors' homes and they are quite friendly creatures. They are compatible with all sorts of modern day conveniences and even make cute little humming noises when they get charged up. Granted these dinosaurs are quite heavy to lug around, so you definitely need an extra large space to house them, but they really don't eat as much as you might imagine.

Here is a picture of my personal dinosaur. Yeppers, that was our family computer monitor, circa 1995'ish, that we used daily right up until Sunday. That dinosaur worked just fine and dandy. We are the type of folks who live by the motto, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Check out the size of that sucker!!!! It takes 2 grown men to lift that bad boy. Funny thing is I never knew there was an issue with it until some of my friends would come into my cave and make comments like, "how OLD is your computer" or "if you had a smaller monitor you would have more work space". Guess that was their way of sayin', "Girl, you need a serious update"!!!!

So, I ended up buying a quirky desk at a second hand store because the old particle board desk was literally falling apart. The poor old dinosaur barely fit on my new desk. As luck would have it, Mother's Day was on Sunday and lookey what I got for being such a good Mommy:

WHOO HOO, a sleek, skinny new monitor so I can feel like I'm actually part of the 21st century. Although it was sad to say good-bye to my pet dinosaur, I know that he was well taken care of for many years and he has well outlived his life expectancy. Plus, he's certainly not dead yet. I plan on donating him to science, or some other worthy cause so others may study him and continue to use him for many more years to come.

And to celebrate the end of the dinosaur era, I hung up a really cool cork board in my cave to make it a little more personal for all of the creativity that goes on in this little space of mine. I'm feelin' all charged up now with my new sleek monitor, my quirky second hand desk, and my cork board that embodies the spirit of my blog. Who knows where my warped and wacky mind will take me next.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Chillin' Out!!!

Whew, the dog days of summer will soon be here, and all of us will be sweatin' our asses off singin' that catchy little tune by Nelly, "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes......"  But there is good news for the ladies, 'cause the Japanese underwear company Triumph Japan, has invented this Super Cool Bra which has cups filled with gel that can be frozen. There is even a traditional Japanese wind chime that dangles between the cups that is believed to sound refreshing, and a bamboo ladle thrown in for good measure in case the wearer wants a splash of water. It's taken all these years for women to suffer from sweat running down our cleavage, heat rash on the tender skin of our breasts, and our nipples feeling like they are about to spontaneously combust before someone stood up and took notice. THANK YOU TRIUMPH!!!!!

That's a whole new way to chill out out huh? Think of the savings on your electricity bill this summer 'cause the women folk will no longer need to turn up the AC on full blast. And anytime you men need a little frozen concoction, just ask your lady friend for a lick of her Popsicles. I'm sure she will be happy to oblige.  

Ya know my Daddy has this funny saying that I never really understood. When it's cold outside he says, "It's cold as a witch's tit". Now maybe I can freeze me up some of those gel cups, slide Thelma and Louise into the Super Cool Bra, ride around on my broomstick in this sweltering North Cackalacky heat, and finally know what it feels like firsthand to be cold as a witch's tit. I'll be so chilled out I may even cast a spell or two on some folks. HHHHHHMMMMMMMM, I wonder if Uncle Jeffy would describe me as "cold as a witch's tit" in the boudoir? If so, I might wanna heat those gel pads up in the ol' microwave before crawlin' between the sheets so he can feel me sizzle and think I'm one hot momma!!!! This super cool bra has some real possibilities. It can go from day to night. Cold during the day when you need to stay cool, but hot at night when you need to turn up the heat baby!!!!

Unfortunately folks, this ultra cool invention also contains my greatest fear. YES, the bra even has two small fish tanks. For those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you know my fear of fish stems from an incident about 27 years ago when I saw a fish jump out of a lake, bite my brother in law on the nipple, causing his nipple to bleed. TRUE STORY!!!!! You never forget something that fucking crazy!!!! Having fish swim around my bazookas would either cause me to go into cardiac arrest, or cause me to be admitted to the loony bin. And why in the hell should the guys in our life have to smell fish on our hooters when they already have to suffer through that down below???? SERIOUS design flaw I'm tellin' ya!!!!

However, leave it to the Japanese to think of everything. At lunch time, you can just reach into your bra, grab a fish, cut off its head and instant sushi. Talk about lunch on the go. Brilliant idea!!! As for me, I will have to inquire whether I can purchase my super cool bra without the fish tank option due to my phobia. If so folks, I'm gonna have me some cool chumbuwumbas this summer fo' sho!!!!

Many thanks to my old WVU buddy Mollie for sending me this awesome story!!!

Images Here and Google Images

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Weekend Wisecrack

That's my kinda gal!!! Cheers to all of you fantabulous mothers. May you all get shit balls drunk!!!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What a Wiener!!!

As Mother's Day approaches I can't help but reflect on all of the colorful Moms that have been in the news lately. Jessica Simpson had the longest pregnancy on record, blowing up like the Goodyear Blimp, and finally popping out an ultra girlie girl named Maxwell Drew. Then there's the leather faced tanning Mom who allegedly took her 6 year old daughter into a tanning booth with her. But this gal pictured above gets my vote this year for Mother of the Year simply for her entrepreneurial spirit.

Yeppers that is 45 year old Catherine Scalia, dubbed the Hot Dog Hooker, for sellin' a wee bit more than just the usual hot dogs and fries out of her camper turned hot dog stand. For a few extra bucks Mrs. Scalia will lick the relish off your wiener. Combining something as American as hot dogs, with the world's oldest profession is simply brilliant!!!!!  First of all, this mother of 4 boys has the business sense to turn her camper into a food truck while selling hot dogs in a bikini. The girl certainly knows how to attract customers. Ya gotta set yourself apart in this tough market folks and try something unique. As we all know, SEX SELLS, and this woman is just using her best assets.

 Catherine Scalia's mug shot

Apparently this business tycoon has business cards advertising "her specials". These ain't no ordinary blue plate specials folks, and believe me you get a lot more than just super sizing your order of fries and a drink. An undercover cop purchased a "special" for a mere 100 bucks which entitled him to a striptease at her house later that evening. Then Mrs. Scalia offered to perform sexual acts for only $50 more. I guess the po po didn't think that was such a great deal 'cause they arrested the Hot Dog Hooker right there on the spot. DAMN, the poor girl was just tryin' to negotiate a two-fer deal. Personally I think that's a bargain. A private striptease and sex for only $150. You don't get that kind of action at Gentlemans' Clubs. Seriously dude what was really goin' on here??? Ya didn't like the condiments she was slatherin' on your sausage? Her bun wasn't warm enough? She took a bite out of your wiener?  GEEZ, you don't have to go arrestin' a gal for tryin' to satisfy her customer. I'm sure she would have comped you with an order of onion rings or somethin' if you simply lodged a complaint.

Now Mrs. Scalia denies the prostitution charge, and says she pleaded guilty only to stripping. She's back selling hot dogs in her bright pink bikini. Atta Girl!!!!! A good business woman won't be deterred by an angry customer. I say keep the ol' standbys like mustard, ketsup and relish for the unadventurous sort, but spice things up a bit with some onions, chili and slaw for the uninhibited. Some men prefer their wieners hot and spicy!!!!! Just remember to wrap up those pigs in a blanket 'cause safe sex has to be your best seller!!!!

Story: Here and Here

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Finders Keepers Losers Weepers

Hey, it's Wacky Wednesday time again folks. Have you heard of this wacky story about some lady finding a $1 million lottery ticket in a trash can but she now may have to give the prize money back? What the hell???? Somebody needs to go back to first grade and learn that little ol' rhyme, "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers". Uh Huh, that's what I'm talkin' about.

So a woman named Sharon Jones routinely plucked discarded lottery tickets out of trash cans to redeem for secondary prizes. This particular lottery ticket was a scratch off that had been thrown away by another woman named Sharon Duncan after a lottery machine incorrectly told her it was a loser. So Mrs. Jones finds the ticket, cashes it in for the big bucks, and has already spent about $190,000 of the prize money. However, a judge has basically ruled, that Ms. Duncan may have thrown away the paper lottery ticket itself, but she did not throw away her claim to the winnings attached to it. Hogwash!!! That's like going to a yard sale, buying a piece of crap, and finding out later that it's worth a fortune. The people having the sale gave up their rights to the item, and the buyer should reap the benefits. Finders Keepers!

There's Mr. and Mrs. Jones in front of their brand new pick up truck that they bought with some of their lottery winnings. WHOO HOO!!!! I do love me a good ol' pick up!!! Quite practical indeed. The Jones also gave their children a total of $80,000 and gave $10,000 to a cousin whose child has Down's Syndrome. I would open up a can of whoop ass on the person who told me I needed to return all of that money, and my brand spankin' new pick up would be chasin' that sorry bastard around town til he started wavin' the white flag, looked me in the eye and agreed with me, "Finders Keepers".  

Seriously folks, you can think of all kinds of examples in your own life where this lesson has come into play. What about the ultra cool toy that was abandoned on the playground that your parents couldn't afford but you JUST couldn't live without? Finders Keepers! Oh and the cute, cuddly stray kitten that had been coming to your backdoor every day for two weeks. Finders Keepers! How about that hot babe in college that some fool set free and became your main squeeze? Finders Keepers! Let's not forget your husband's shiny new platinum Mastercard that was just beggin' to be used when it fell out of his wallet. Finders Keepers! The only thing that falls under this rule that you may find that you definitely don't want to keep is a nasty STD. Yeppers, you in a heap of trouble if you find and keep some herpes. 

I guess I must have taught my kids this lesson since they were knee high to a boll weevil. Twelve year old Ry Guy is the luckiest kid in the world when it comes to finding money. He finds coins on the ground all the time, and every now and then he will find a dollar bill, and sometimes even a five spot. You can bet your sweet ass we ain't lookin' for the owners of those lost bills. Those greenbacks go straight into the family funds. Finders Keepers! And my 16 year old son recently applied for a job. On the application they asked if he saw a $20 bill laying on the floor whether or not he would turn it in. He answered no. At first I was horrified, but then he explained that he thought every other applicant would answer "yes" because that is what the company wanted to hear. He said he answered honestly. Hey, the kid got a job interview at the joint so they must have liked his honesty. Atta boy!!! Momma taught you right. Pick up that Andrew Jackson and put it in your pocket son. Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers Baby!!!!!

Image: Here and Google Images

Monday, May 7, 2012


So Saturday night a few of my girlfriends gathered at my friend Melissa's house to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. She is an amazing cook, so the food was delicious, and the margaritas and sangria were free flowing. My glass was never empty and my belly was satisfyingly full. And of course the laughter was plentiful.

Then there comes that point in the evening where you have held your bladder long enough and it's just time to go potty. But you know once you break that seal, you are gonna have to go tinkle about every 15 minutes. Well lemme tell ya folks, am I ever glad I broke the seal, 'cause Melissa had somethin' mighty fine in that bathroom of hers and I fell in love right there on the spot!!!!!!

It was a Toto washlet that was installed on top of her toilet. OH MY GAWD, the lid magically raised up as I approached, I sat down on the heated seat, tinkled, and then I had my choice of several washing options. I could choose from a steady stream or pulsating stream of water, followed by a dryer on my little Susie Q. Since I'm a firm believer that slow and steady wins the race, I pressed that glorious button and felt warm water start to cleanse my vajayjay. Not one to leave any of my lady bits dirty, I decided to move my bottom around the seat a little for some extra added pleasure with that steady stream of water. WHEW, if anyone was standing outside the bathroom door, I'm sure they heard some moans and groans coming from the other side. OOOOOOHHHHHH, and then the dryer just set my world on fire!!!! After I was completely sexually satisfied and had a smile on my face from ear to ear, that amazing TOTOLICIOUS toilet thanked me by automatically flushing itself. I'm talkin' a totally hands free experience here folks. Where else can you have an orgasm by yourself totally hands free, and the mess be completely cleaned up and dried???? This washlet is fucking incredible I'm tellin' ya.

DAMN, I just couldn't wait to have to pee again. A multiple orgasmic experience is quite rare indeed. Believe me, I wasn't the only one taking advantage of this unique opportunity. Melissa's bathroom became quite popular on Saturday night and with damn good reason!!!! I'm already planning on several drop by's this week using the old excuse, "I was in the neighborhood and was wondering if I could use your bathroom".

Now, I just need to convince cheapo Uncle Jeffy that this product is well worth the expensive price tag. After all, for guys the seat does raise by itself, and I figure once he gets his ass washed and dried one time he will never look back. Perhaps sneaking a little Exlax in his brownies is in order before taking a trip out to Melissa's house so he will be forced to test drive the Totolicious toilet.

One thing is fo' sho folks. Before Saturday night, whenever I heard the word "Toto", I would naturally think of The Wizard of Oz. But, I can tell you now without a shadow of a doubt, that after using this Toto toilet I sure as hell wasn't in Kansas anymore. Rather, my old wrinkly ass went straight over the rainbow to the promised land baby!!!!!

Images: EBay and Google Images

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Ultimate Tan!!!

No folks, that is not an escapee from The Planet of the Apes, that is actually a Caucasian woman with the ultimate tan!!!! Her name is Patricia Krentcil, a New Jersey mom, who is being charged with child endangerment after allegedly allowing her 6 year old child to use a tanning bed. Mrs. Krentcil denies the charges and says her daughter received a sunburn from going outside on a recent warm day. Come on, give the poor woman a break. The child was probably throwing a tantrum and Momma Ape threatened that she was "going to tan her hide", and Momma damn well followed through on her discipline. And why send your kid outside to get nice and bronzed when they would so enjoy laying in one of those spaceship type contraptions?????? How cool would a kid think that was to lay in that futuristic looking machine and pretend they were blasting off into space when those awesome blue lights come on. You take your Barbies in there for some company and have yourself some out of this world kinda fun!!!!

Now seriously, Mrs. Krentcil could certainly give anybody a run for their money in the Banana Boat ultimate tanning contest. I don't know if Banana Boat sells that exact shade of primate copper/brown, so this chick could stand out among the crowd. Being unique and all can really work to her advantage. Oh and I'm pretty sure the words "natural" are on the outside of the Clorox bottle, so she can bill herself out as a "natural blond with the ultimate tan". The prizes are BIG in that contest folks I'm tellin' ya.

Here is another shot of the bronzed beauty in court. How many of you can guess her age? I showed this photo to my 16 year old son and he guessed 65. Sorry son, she's a young'un at only 44. He was honestly shocked and said, "Seriously, she is younger than you"?????? AAAAAAWWWWWWW, wasn't that a nice compliment????? Yeppers, it don't take much maintenance to look like a spring chickin' compared to one that's been charbroiled.

What I'm thinkin' is that Mrs. Krentcil has a gold mine staring right back at her in the mirror. She should sell her skin to the local tannery to be made into all kinds of fancy leather products. Purses, wallets, belts, shoes, and boots are BIG business. Hell, this is the PERFECT opportunity for a self professed "tanner" like herself. Cut out the middle man. Her skin is already processed and colored like the most desirable shade in leather goods. No need to bring in a professional tanner. It's a win/win folks!!!!

Images: Google Images and Here

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Fountain of Youth WINNER

Last week I wrote my first ever, unsolicited, totally from the heart product review about the amazing TNS Line Refine anti-wrinkle cream by Skin Medica that I started using back in October. I kept it real for ya and told you that this shizz really works, and if it can reduce wrinkles on an old hag like me, then it's liquid gold baby!!! Wouldn't you know it, that little ol' post turned out to be the second highest in viewer history. Second only to my post about Steven Tyler and his man boobs. I guess you people either really want to find your fountain of youth, or you will do just about anything to enter a raffle for a chance at some free swag. All I can tell you is that I'm damn jealous that I have had to look at this free tube of Line Refine that has been sitting on my kitchen counter for over 24 hours and that I have to send out to the winner, instead of keeping it for myself. You bitch!!! Seriously, thank you all so much for reading my product review and for taking the time to enter the raffle. I will see what type of goodies I can drum up for you next time.






Image Via Google Images

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Snip, Snip, Clip, Clip

Welcome to Wacky Wednesday folks!!! Ya know Wednesday is rapidly becoming my favorite day of the week because so many of you send me stories, clips and tips for some of the craziest crap and say, "Hey, I saw this and thought you could use it for your blog".  Hhhhhmmmmm, I suppose that just goes to show how warped I really am. Today's wacky story comes courtesy of my friend Mary. 

We all know in our society there are certain customs or traditions that we tend to follow. Sure there are the nonconformists, but they are usually seen as the outliers or wackos are they not? Take circumcision as a prime example. Most infant boys are circumcised because years of research has shown that the benefits of this simple procedure certainly outweigh the risks.  With a significant decrease in HIV, HPV infections, syphilis, chlamydia, urinary tract infections and a virtual elimination of penile cancer, circumcision seems like a no brainer, considering the only risks are excess bleeding and maybe an infection.

But leave it to a 28 year old, South Dakota prison inmate named Dean Cochrun to sue the hospital where he was circumcised as a newborn saying that he only recently became aware that he had undergone the procedure and that it robbed him of his sexual prowess. Uh, has he never looked at his dick? Did he never choke his chicken as a horny teenager? How can someone seriously not know they were circumcised until the ripe old age of 28???? I guess Mr. Cochrun never took sex ed in school and learned about foreskin, nor did he obviously ever stealthily check out the other dudes in the locker room to notice if anybody had a turtleneck by comparison.

Uncircumcised penis (aka turtleneck)
As part of his lawsuit, Mr. Cochrun asks that his foreskin be restored in the hopes that he could feel whole again. Sorry dude, I do believe your foreskin may have been used as fish bait some 28 years ago. So this wacko argues he has been robbed of sensitivity during sexual intercourse. How in the hell would he know since he never knew what sex felt like before he had been snipped and clipped? Furthermore, that is really a moot point 'cause he's locked up in the big house, and the only sensitive area he needs to worry about now is up the Hershey Highway. What I'm thinkin' is that Mr. Cochran may have met Big Bubba in the stony lonesome and Bubba ain't circumcised. Little 'ol Mr. Cochran will do anything to be part of Bubba's gang, and since he's got nuthin' but time on his hands, he's filed himself this outlandish lawsuit to show Bubba he's worthy of being a member of the foreskin fraternity. Now maybe if Mr. Cochran wins his lawsuit and he does have his foreskin miraculously restored, every inmate in the slammer will hear Mr. Cochran's cries of ecstasy when he finally gets his first taste of uncircumcised sex with some poor bastard who drops the soap in the shower.

Now seriously folks, this whole mess could have been avoided 28 years ago if Mr. Cochran would have just given the doctors the finger, lived up to his surname, and taken his cock and ran.

There are still a few hours left to enter the raffle to win TNS Line Refine, the amazing anti-wrinkle cream that I can't stop bragging about. Click Here for details.

Thank you Mary for sending me this great story. Sure hope you enjoyed my interpretation.

Images via Google Images

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Brad and Angelina are Engaged!!!! OH MY!!!!

Hey folks, have you heard the news that has swept the nation, is on the cover of every tabloid magazine, and has been the top story of every entertainment news channel for the past two weeks? If not, you have been living under a rock. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!

After 7 years together and 6 kids jet settin' from one continent to the next, who the fuck really cares? Ya know there's that old saying "You never buy a car unless you test drive it first". Well hot damn, after 7 years of test drivin', Brad has kicked the tires, checked under the hood, and knows exactly what revs up Angie's engine. Why should he buy the car now when he's got a perfectly good "loaner"? Yea, I know the kids were puttin' on the pressure, but are they makin' the car payments? Doubtful.

But hey, one advantage to this engagement is Angie's scrawny twigs for arms. I'm sure the first thing on the agenda is the inevitable new tattoo she will be sportin' when she and Brad tie the knot. Ya know when she was married to Billy Bob Thornton she had his name tattooed on her arm. Well folks, the name "Brad" has much fewer letters than "Billy Bob", so maybe the tat will be perfectly centered on those skinny ass arms instead of wrapping all the way around ten times. That will be an awesome photo op for the paparazzi at all of those red carpet events.

And how about that 16 carat, one of kind ring that Brad helped to design, and is supposedly worth about $500,000? Ya gotta give the guy credit for knowin' how to put a ring on it fo' sho!!! DAMN, Angie sure can get her daily workout just by liftin' her left hand. No barbells required huh? But seriously, I think that ring is about the size of most ladies' compact mirrors that they carry in their purses. Angie can look for spinach between her front teeth in that bauble all day long.

Let's see if the happy couple will make history by being the first ever couple to actually take the surname of their children. Will they become Angelina and Brad Jolie-Pitt?????? Yeppers, can't say I've ever heard of a couple taking the surname of their children, but as we all know, it's Hollywood folks. And I really need to know this little tidbit because I plan on ordering something monogrammed for them when they make it official . Ya know like luggage tags for all of their worldly travels, or perhaps something more intimate from Adam and Eve. After all, every newly married couple needs a fresh new sex toy they can call their own.

And what's an engagement without a juicy scandal? I would be willing to sell my soul at Brad's bachelor party by jumping out of a cake and having a threesome with the bachelor and his BFF George Clooney. That way poor little Jennifer Aniston can finally say, "Karma's a bitch. Once a cheater, always a cheater". Yea, that's the kinda chick I am. Just tryin' to help a sista out ya know. What a sacrifice that would be. But I would suck it up for a "friend".
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