Monday, April 16, 2012

Smelling The Fear

Some of you know that I have a real, genuine fear of fish stemming from an incident about 27 years ago when I actually saw a fish jump out of a lake and bite my brother in law on his nipple. That big ol' redneck of a guy screamed like a girl, he had teeth marks rimming his nipple, and his nipple started bleeding. That is a visual that I will just NEVAH be able to erase from my mind. Since then, I rarely, if ever get in the ocean. However, on our recent trip to Grand Cayman, I made a deal with my boys that if they went horseback riding on the beach, (which they considered lame), then I would allow them to teach me to snorkel. There is a picture of me with my gear on ready to take the plunge.


Now my kids and Uncle Jeffy had been snorkeling for a few days right in front of our condo while I was perfectly happy sitting on my ass reading a trashy magazine sipping frozen alcoholic concoctions. But, a deal is a deal. The kids rode horses, so now it was my turn to snorkel. So there I am facing my fears head on with Ry Guy going out to the deep blue sea. All of the fish the guys were seeing over the past several days had been little colorful fish, so I thought, "Cool, I can do this". You see those white buoys WAY out there in the picture. UH HUH, Ry Guy and I swam out there, which was about 50 yards from shore. Everything was fine and dandy and the little fish were really pretty. I have to admit that I was gettin' the hang of this snorkeling thing and my confidence was building.

But then all of a sudden, without any warning, a HUGE, HULKIN', 4 foot, silver fish swims right underneath my belly. WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I screamed into my snorkel for all of the underworld to hear. Ry Guy sees it too, I put his arm in a death grip, and start swimming for shore like Jaws is chasing us. Believe me, I have NEVAH in my entire life wanted to be on the swim team before, but that day I sure as hell did!!! I swam with Ry Guy attached to me as fast as I could, and I'm a very weak swimmer at best. My adrenalin was beating so damn fast that I probably could have given Michael Phelps a run for his money!!!!

We made it back to shore safe and sound and I promptly self medicated with a frozen fruity drink with an extra shot of rum, and a 1/2 of a Xanax to calm down my nerves. I was literally shaking from head to toe. We described the fish to a scuba instructor who said, "Oh Yea that was a barracuda, they are out there all the time". Had I known that the silver fish that swam underneath my belly was a fucking barracuda, I would have surely had a heart attack and died on the spot, and poor Ry Guy would have had to witness his mother sinking to her watery grave.

A few hours later when the medication had cured me, Ry Guy wanted to go play tennis. AAAAAHHHHHH, something nice and easy. Hittin' a little yellow ball around. No problem. We go down to the tennis courts and have ourselves a good ol' time swattin' the ball back and forth for about 20 minutes. I hit Ry Guy a ball, he misses, turns to pick it up and I hear the most GAWD AWFUL scream I have EVAH heard come out of that boy's mouth.

Sitting about a foot away from his feet is a GIANT, green iguana. The thing is just sitting there, looking up at Ry Guy like he owns the tennis court. If you have never seen one of those dudes, they have got to be the ugliest things on the planet. UGH, so prehistoric lookin'!!!!! I'm screamin' at Ry Guy to jump the net, to come on over to my side so we can escape. We ran around like lunatics, gathering up our stuff, and left by the only gate, which was closed by the way. So, I'm thinkin', "How in the hell did that green monster get in those tennis courts when the gate was closed"???? Where did that fucker come from????

The only thing I know for sure about that crazy ass day is that the critters in Grand Cayman smelled our fear and came lookin' for us. The silver fish of the sea smelled my fear and swam right underneath me to show me he was the king and I was invading his castle. Then the iguana smelled fear on my boy and wanted to show him we were stepping on his territory. I'm tellin' ya folks, wear your deodorant, try not to sweat, and NEVAH let 'em smell the fear 'cause you will be in a heap of trouble!!!!

Images via Google Images

14 comments:

  1. Ewww nature!! I like my animals in the zoo thank you very much. I'm not a big fan of impromptu interactions with the beasts.

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  2. OMG!!!! Are you serious? A fish just jumped out of the water and randomly bit your BIL on the nipple?!?!?!?!?! Omg, I'll never go on a boat again!!!!!!

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    1. You can't make this shit up. I was sitting on the dock, he was in a lake and that damn fish jumped out and bit him right on the nipple!!!

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    2. I'm still cracking up about it...Just thought you should know :) haha

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  3. Oh man, you are hilarious. The first thing I thought of when I started reading was Jeff Foxworthy "you might be a redneck if you've been bit on the nipple by a beaver".

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    1. That's our family. TOTAL rednecks!!! Bit on the nipple by a lake fish. Fish food!!!

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    2. Was his nipple pierced? Because I saw a guy in Canadian Tire once and I swear he had a fishing lure through his lip instead of a soul patch.

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  4. Bwahaha I have the SAME reaction to ants! I run away screaming like a little girl with violent convulsions trying to "get them off me" I feel ya lady...it is indeed one of the worse feelings lol

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  5. I love the idea of snorkeling, but I too have a weird, irrational fear of fish touching me.

    I want no part of it.

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  6. Dude, I would have just gone riding on the beach ALONE. Think of all the headache you would have saved yourself.

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  7. You know you got out of there just in time right? They may have missed you by water and land but the next thing coming your way surely would have had wings and claws. Well, glad you made it out and into the arms of a nice boat drink.

    Yep, I know 'bout rednecks too. Nice and tough until something makes 'em snap and then they start screaming like a teenage girl at a horror movie and going into a truly whack-job frenzy. That's when you want to make sure that there's not a shotgun in sight. It's not a pretty sight folks.

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  8. That is still the craziest shit I've ever heard. I feel sorry for your brother in law. Fish must have thought he was tasty. I refuse to get in the ocean as well. Yuck. Unfortunately I think I may have scarred my daughter as well. Last I heard she wanted no part of getting in their either. I wonder if this is bad...

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  9. Wow, I am glad that you survived this ordeal. I think I would have been more scared of drowning than the fish itself. And I think I would have been scared of someone seeing my awful lack of skills at tennis than the iguana.

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