Monday, April 30, 2012

Fifty Shades of Redneck Recap

In the past I've given you folks my redneck recap of some fashion dos and don'ts on various red carpet events, so today I thought I would branch out and give you my redneck opinion of the book EVERYBODY and their SISTA is talkin' about. WHEW, if you have not read it people, I suggest gettin' yourself a copy, either lockin' yourself in your bedroom with a fully charged vibrator, or preparing your significant other for some head bangin', mind blowin' sex about five times a day until you are finished with the book. Oh yeah, and there are two sequels. That means take a brief respite and go at it again!!!!

Now seriously, the book is about the beautiful, innocent, soon to be college graduate Anastasia Steele, who meets and falls in love with the insanely handsome, billionaire Christian Grey who just happens to have a penchant for some wildly kinky sex. Not just your regular run of the mill kinky sex, but all out S&M, dominant/submissive (BDSM) kind of shit. Ya know the kind where he's the boss, she does whatever he says, she can't look him in the eye, and she has to call him "Sir". If she messes up, he beats her ass- HARD!!!! And she's supposed to like it 'cause it's ALL for her pleasure for God's sake!!!


What I immediately found interesting was the fact that Anastasia was this 22 year old virgin who rarely, if ever, even kissed a boy, and the first time she gives Christian a blow job he gives her an "A" on her performance???? DAMN, I know her character was highly intelligent and she probably read "Fellatio For Dummies", but holy shit an "A" on her first ever blow job???? No gag reflex???? No throwing up on her first taste of salty semen???? I sure could have used some pointers from Anastasia in college while one of my friends taught me the art of giving a good BJ using a carrot in a local watering hole. Somehow that carrot really didn't prepare me for the real deal.

I did find the terminology of Ana's vagina quite distracting. No one refers to that body part as "their sex". Nope, call it a pussy, Susie Q, a vajayjay, whatever, just not "your sex". And I gotta keep it real for ya here folks. References to Ana's pubic hair must be inaccurate. Unless she is a member of some quirky "save the bush brigade", isn't everybody in the 20'something age group waxed and/or lasered as smooth as a baby's bottom????? But now Ana must be Wonder Woman 'cause when she loses her virginity, there was no mention of how much it hurt, given the fact that Mr. Grey is so well endowed. And Christian is surely Superman,  'cause he magically gives Ana 2 or 3 orgasms on her first time. GEEZ!!!!! It took me YEARS and several sexual partners later to have my very first orgasm. When I finally had my first glorious climax I shouted out to the world, "Damn, this guy's a keeper". And folks, it's been almost 26 years later and I've managed to keep my Magic Man.

Now admittedly Christian is a bit of a control freak and can be quite the stalker, and I can understand why Ana gets pissed off at those parts of his personality. But hell, the guy buys her a set of first edition books, a new computer, designer clothes, a blackberry, a new Audi and first class airfare and she still has the audacity to feel like a ho. GET OVER YOURSELF CHICK!!!!! Every woman dreams about being Christian's ho and you want to complain???? Shit, with that kinda swag, Christian could blind fold me, tie me to the bed post, and beat my wrinkly ass with one of his riding crops and I would gladly say "Thank You Sir", and sincerely mean those three precious words.

Now there is a contract that Christian wants Ana to sign filled with all kinds of gobbledy gook about what types of sexual activities they will perform with each other and what types of "accessories" Christian is allowed to use on Ana for her pleasure. But my favorite part of the contract was the clause dealing with her personal health. Ana was allowed no between meal snacking except fruit, she had to have 8 hours of sleep per night, and 4 days of workouts a week with a personal trainer at Christian's expense. This would require serious negotiations on my part as it did for Ana. The best line in the entire book is when Ana says, "He can dictate the way I fuck, but not what I eat". AMEN SISTA!!!!!! That is a hard limit. A girl's gotta draw the line somewhere!!! First of all, I need at least 9-10 hours of sleep per night, and I eat 4 small meals a day, and I rarely snack on fruit 'cause that doesn't fill me up. I need protein baby, especially if I was to keep up my stamina for the likes of Christian Grey. Yeppers, meals are my own domain. That dom wouldn't be able to tell me how or when to eat. Plus, I need chocolate after every meal. I got no problem melting it and puttin' it all over him if he wants a tongue lickin' for dessert, but you deprive me of my chocolate and you gonna be the one tied up and gettin' your sorry ass whipped til you can't sit down for a week mister!!!!!

So whether you are into BDSM or not, one thing is for sure. I imagine stores like True Value Hardware have seen an increase in their sales on ropes, chains, and pulleys since this book has swept the nation. Who knew kinky sex could have such a positive effect on this economy????

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Images via Google Images

15 comments:

  1. I am in the middle of reading this now and your review is spot on girl :D.

    Another good trilogy to read is the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, it is chock a block full of the same subject matter and then some ;).

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  2. LMAO Girl, if we had a "Christian Grey flavored popsicle", maybe we'd get an A for our first time too. LOL And as far as him grabbing her hair down there and saying it's a keeper....um, what?! No way...my generation is bald. And I say that with pride!!!! hahahaha

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  3. See if I wasn't so damn busy reading high quality, high impact blog literature I'd have more time for reading more great literature like that too. And it does sound fun. Instructive even. Semen is salty tasting? Curious. I guess that's why you never (evah) hear about anyone eating Fish 'n Chips whilst engaging in oral intercourse. That would be like taking a big swallow of the Gulf of Mexico. And as for the no chocolate part, well that's just plain wrong in every direction. It makes me sad. Well, enjoy the day darlin. ~ Searching for "Christianna" in Texas - BOOT

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    1. 2 Things in that paragraph that should not be mentioned together - especially while I'm eating chocolate. I think I'll just save that candy bar for later now.

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  4. i so need this book! i've been pretending i'm not going to read it, but i always manage to get sucked into these things. and everyone seems to be saying just read it!

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  5. I'm just going to assume you plagiarized this from your own published review in the New York Times literary section.
    I had no clue what this book was all about. But now, consider my eyes opened...along with my pants.
    If a hardcore S and M book can be this successful, why won't anyone publish my novel about Furries or blumpkins?

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    1. It's been done before that's why Pick. Still, you may want to consider a combination approach with the Furries giving blumpkins. Novel perhaps but I just think it might be something that most people would want to read about. Especially couples who like nature and animal art.

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  6. Starting reading but had to stop. I haven't read the book yet!

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  7. Oh, stories like this just make me laugh so hard - a virgin girl who not only doesn't get hurt the first time, but also enjoys it so much she orgasms eleventy billion times and is a goddess of sex right out the gate.

    Where can I find one of those? Seriously. Because apparently I'm dating the WRONG people.

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  8. I'm always one to snub my nose at the "it" raging thing, this book included but I am also one who is down for kinky mckinster sexy time whether real or imagined so I am fighting the funk on picking this book up and locking myself (and Twin) in my room for a while. He actually asked me if I had read it last week as his bestie GF person is raving about it and her husband is exhausted from all of the newly found sex cravings his wife is using him to satisfy. I think he should just say thank you and preorder the other two.

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  9. It must be possible to make a virgin come. Just tease her pussy for 99 nights and fuck her on the 100th one. You shouldn't blame yourself, it's always the man's fault.

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  10. Nothing wrong with a little sauce and nuts mixed with your vanilla!!!! I am in serious need of therapy after reading all 3!! Awesome blog, as always!!! Now off to search erotic romance to keep the fantasy alive!!!

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  11. I have read so many reviews and opinions about this book that I feel as if I have already read it. That being said, I think that I will wait for the movie. And I will bring a date.

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  12. I love that you do "redneck" reviews. Keep on keepin' it real. You also might appreciate my actual redneck parody of 50 Shades of Grey. Give it a read for a good laugh.
    http://wckedwords.wordpress.com/

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  13. I am very happy to see the fifty shade of redneck. I was searching this redneck long time ago. I was listening in about it from my friends. Now I am very pleased for this. Please go ahead and keep it up.
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