Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Cold Hard Cooter Cash

Ladies, do you value yourself? I mean have you ever REALLY thought about placing a number value on your body. Well, I'm here to tell ya that your cooter alone is costin' ya some cold hard cash so ya better increase your worth real damn quick!!! My friend Kristen sent me this article from Jezebel about how much it costs yearly to maintain a vagina, and the number is staggering folks!!!! Yeppers it costs over $2,600 a year for birth control, feminine hygiene products, PMS relief, pelvic exams, feminine itching and yeast infection products, urinary tract infection remedies, pubic hair removal and toilet paper. Now that's just for the very basic bearded clam. You add in laser hair removal, prescriptions for serious head spinnin' during PMS, or any other female complications or surgeries, and the price rises dramatically.

WHO KNEW????????? You take that number and multiply it by the number of years you have been using these products and you got yourself some SERIOUS value!!!! Hell at my age my pussy is worth over 6 figures. I've got a six figure pussy folks and I'm damn proud of it!!!!! (Yea, I actually calculated the exact number and it's frightening)

Now all you single ladies, I'm thinkin' you need to get yourself a big ol' money jar and start asking your dates, boyfriends, significant others etc. to start contributing to the "Cooter Cash Stash". Seriously, guys just don't have the same expense, and let's face it, all they really want is to get laid. Well, if they want a piece of your highly valued pussy, they are gonna have to pay for it. I know, I know, the word "ho" comes to mind. Please don't think of it like you are selling your body. Au contraire!!!!!!!!! You have spent a shit load of money maintaining your vajayjay over the years, and why should some dude come along and get his rocks off for free???? Like the old saying goes, "there ain't no free lunch".  Seriously, if you had an expensive Ferrari would you allow some Joe Schmo to drive it for free? HELL NO, you would not. Think of your little prized Suzie Q the same way.  Married women, I'm not so sure we can charge for nookie anymore. After all, we did stand up before God and all of our friends and family and sort of promise that what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. BUMMER!!!

However, I do think this issue can become a real advantage when it comes to salary negotiations for a job. Gone are the days when men make more money than women simply because they have a Y chromosome. Oh Yea, you heard it here first folks!!!! Women simply NEED to make more money to cover the cost of their beavers. At the interview it is now essential to have a print out of an itemized yearly list of related expenses for your cock holster, that must be included in your salary. Folks, this information is also crucial to anyone in line for a raise. Demand that your boss give you a raise equal to your annual cooter expenses, multiplied by the amount of years you have been with the company. Cooters cost cold hard cash to maintain and we women must fight for our rights in the workplace.

One thing is for damn sure. I'm gonna treat my 6 figure pussy like the highly valued goddess she is!!!!  After spendin' all that cold hard cash on her over the years, she certainly deserves some nice, new, lacy hankie pankies, and perhaps even a trip to Adam and Eve is in order so she can get a brand new shiny toy. That's what I'm talkin' about!!!

Thank you Kristen for the scoop on this cooter story.
Images via Google images


  1. I dig this. My first ever visit to your blog and it's all about your expensive cooter!

    1. I aim to please!!!!! So glad you stopped by and glad to have you following my warped and wacky sense of humor.

  2. Cock Holster? Awesome. I'm glad we've got free health coverage in Canada. It makes Canadian Beaver cheaper to maintain. Now that cost savings only applies to the maintenance, purchase price remains the same.

  3. Oh, I somehow feel responsible for sending Awkward your way.... you two will get along famously as you are pretty much the male/female version of one person in my highly professional opinion! Yay!!
    As for your post, I agree completely! I am going to schedule a meeting with my boss's boss and demand a vajayjay merit increase...in this economy it's not cheap to manage such a treasure!

  4. I just sent this to my g/f. She decided that we may have a 7 figure como so chimama. LMAO It's worth it to be maintained. hahahahaha What a way to think about it...

  5. Married women can still get "tit-for-tat" value: "Gee, I really would love to go screw, but this laundry ain't gonna fold itself-maybe if you help me, we could roll in the hay sooner..."

  6. Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water, I find you not being eaten by fish, but talking about the beaver....


  7. I long suspected this but appreciate your sound research on the costs of maintaining our nation's supply of hoo-hahs. Did you factor in depreciation of equipment or are you just assuming that a twenty year old cooter is equivalent in resource to a seventy year old vajayjay? Do you think this could gain me any ground in my dream of becoming the nation's first pussy appraisal agent? You must admit it's an exciting time although I expect it to be hard and a bit of a slippery slope at the same time. A fellah's gotta dream.

  8. lols.... Never thought of it that way :) I can imagine the looks I would get at work when I turned that notice in. lmao... Gheah! Would be nice to get some more money though!

  9. This is hysterical... and frighteningly true. Maintenance ain't cheap!

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