Monday, April 2, 2012
Am I Ugly? (No I'm Not Asking, That's the Title)
Today's hilarious post is brought to you by Pickleope, who graciously agreed to be my guest blogger today. If you don't already know, Pickleope is self described as the unholy cross-breed of a pickle and an antelope and your guide to modern thinking. Lemme just tell ya, when Pickle says "here there be absurdity", that's the damn truth!!! Pickleope keeps me laughing, and I'm sure you will crack up and maybe even pee a little. Please be sure to check out the funny at Pickleope. Take it away Pickle:
Recently the internet went crazy after learning about the YouTube trend, "Am I Ugly?" This is where teen girls go on YouTube and post a quick video of themselves asking commenters to tell them if they are ugly or not. Heartbreaking, right?
Some people call it a cry for attention, a child psychologist more accurately says that it's a "masochistic anxiety cure." Meaning that they'd rather people say the harshest thing in the world to them then worry that society at large looks at them as ugly. Apparently no one has introduced the concept of "subjectivity" to them.
I'm not worried about their feelings, any emotional scars will get calloused over by daddy-issues soon enough. No, I'm worried that they don't understand life. Hence, I'd like to address those girls:
Ladies, you are pretty...to someone, and not just your mom (who is probably running low on her pills and could use another appletini to wash those down with so get to it). Are you worried about boys or the constant judgement of your fellow ladies? All women are ugly to other women, it's a competition thing. That's just a sad fact you'll have to get over. And guys? Don't worry about them, guys aren't picky. There's a guy out there right now who's on his second draft of his fantasy novel about him getting in a three-way with Rosie O'Donnell and Tilda Swinton (I hear it's set in space and that the second act could use some touch-up). Being ugly never stopped people from getting a boyfriend/girlfriend. Billy Bob Thornton looks like an inbred warthog that was set on fire and pushed off a building, but he managed to date Angelina Jolie for a time. Everyone is someone's type.
The question you should be asking is, "what book can I read that might make my personality interesting enough so I don't have to settle for some goofus who's only interested in superficiality?" You don't have to ask if you're pretty. If people start giving you things without you having to work for them, you're pretty. Look at Taylor Lautner, someone handed him a career because he's pretty (it's not his Oscar-caliber acting). But being good looking doesn't make dreams come true either. Look at Playboy bunnies. They're pretty and all that gets 'em is the chance to roll around naked with a 90 year old mummy. Work on being charming instead of harvesting psychological issues because charm goes way farther than looks. So cut it out with the videos, you're taking up precious bandwidth we need to fill with nut-shot videos.
Wait, aren't I doing essentially the same thing, begging for the approval of strangers to tell me my sweet, luscious brain is pretty? O.M.G you guys, I'm a teenage girl! It's all becoming so clear. I essentially have an online diary, thinking anyone cares about my pompous ramblings and desperately beg for compliments (love me). I might as well have a slumber party where we all sing along to Niki Minaj and talk about how I want to grow up and marry Jonah Hill (He's the latest heartthrob, right? He is on the cover of my latest issue of Tiger Beat.).
I think we've all learned something here today.
Thank you very much, Deb, for allowing me to sully your part of the internet.