Thursday, March 1, 2012

Snooki's Got the Pregnancy Glow

Holy shit folks do you know why Snooki is wearing shades? It's because her pregnancy glow is actually blinding her through her spray tan. Sure hope you were sitting down when you read that, because if not, I apologize for causing you to break your nose when you just did a face plant. Go ahead and stop the bleeding, and if you are brave enough, come back and read some more. YEPPERS, after denying early reports of  her pregnancy so she "wouldn't jinx it", Snooki finally admitted that she is three to four months preggers.

WHOA, I can think of a few things that would jinx Snooki's pregnancy. How about her fondness for alcohol???????? She is shown in the picture above with her favorite libation called a "Scooby Snack", which has been renamed a "Snooki Snack" in her honor by the owner of the Beachcomber Bar & Grill. The cocktail is a mixture of coconut rum, creme de bananas, melon liqueur, pineapple juice and whipped creme. I wonder if Snooki's baby will enjoy a few Snooki Snacks straight from the bottle????  Hey, no need to rock the baby to sleep when Momma and baby can just pass out together. Such a sweet bonding moment!!!!! Oh and if Snooki decides to breast feed that will be even better. Imagine the quality nutrients that Snooki will be passing along to her newborn. Sure hope the Snooksters has already been in counseling about the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome 'cause that ain't no joke!!!!!!

Now I'm havin' a hard time envisioning a nine month pregnant Snooki, riding a tricycle down the boardwalk, and gettin' into a full blown cat fight. That chick sure can throw some punches, but her center of gravity is going to be severely compromised with that big ol' tummy and she's gonna have to learn to adjust. Maybe she will have to learn the art of hair pullin' instead. Otherwise, Snooki's gonna be rollin' down the boardwalk like Violet in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when she turned into a giant blueberry. Seriously, odds are that this pregnancy is gonna cause Snooki to become as wide as she is tall and she is gonna be topplin' over quite easily.

There you have it folks, the intimate first baby photo of Snooki's precious child without a spray tan. But don't worry, I hear several companies are in the lab right now frantically working on an infant line of spray tanning material which will be sold exclusively under the Snooki brand name on QVC. All of you with children under 5 can now sleep better tonight. 

And for all of you with teenagers and older, PLEASE, PLEASE share with them the news that Snooki has a bun in the oven. If that doesn't give them the incentive to use birth control I certainly don't know what will!!!!!!!  I for one just bought out the entire stock of condoms at my local CVS for my 16 year old son, 'cause if there's gonna be a second generation of The Jersey Shore, LAWD have mercy on us all!!!!!!!!!!!

Images: Here and Goggle Images


  1. UGGGH. I hate these talentless Jersey hacks! And her being preggo is gross. I bet you can smell the booze on her a mile away. Grooooosss.

    This is why the terrorists hate us, folks. THIS.

  2. lmfao. that shiz is messsed up, lolz! :)

  3. 5 weeks along, and the fetus already has the clap, and a higher alcohol tolerance than I do...

    1. OH MY GAWD Brandon, I spit my water across the room when I read your comment and I still can't stop laughing. That is some funny shit!!!!!!

  4. Hopefully some poor third world mother with thirteen children and without the basic necessities of food, water, or shelter will adopt this child to give it a better life.

  5. I'm not sure what's more disturbing: The thought of Snooki procreating or that baby picture!!!
    I can just imagine the contents of Snooki's diaper bag: Diapers, wipes, Q-tips, formula, bottle of rum for mixing formula, a onsie that says "Mamma's little Scooby Snack" , a set of baby whore-lashes and a tiny can of spray tan, minus the DHA because that wouldn't be healthy for the baby. ;)