Friday, March 23, 2012

It's A Dick!!!

A couple of nights ago I attended my son's JV baseball game, and his team happened to be playing the same team again that has the pitcher with the beard. If you missed that post you can find it Here. If you've ever been to a high school athletic event, and had to go to the bathroom, you know you only go if it's a dire emergency 'cause those bathrooms are just plain nasty. At the top of the 6th inning, I just couldn't hold my bladder anymore and went to the ladies' restroom. I opened the door and found five kids, all under the age of about seven, running around. There were two boys and three girls. None of them were remarkable looking, except for the leader of the pack, who looked just like an Oompa Loompa wearing a camouflage cap. He was about 2 feet, 3 inches tall, chubby, bordering on obese, and had the makins' of a redneck written all over him!!!! I figured he was probably the bearded pitcher's younger brother.

When I walked inside the restroom, Mr. Oompa Loompa strained his neck and looked up at all 5 feet, 3 inches of me and said, "Look, there's nuts". He pointed to graffiti on the back of the bathroom stall that I have recreated for you below.

I was so stunned by his bravado at such a tender age, that after I picked my mouth up off the floor, I replied, "Thank you so much for pointing that out to me". Then the little girls started giggling and saying "it's a penis, it's a penis, it's a penis". To that, Oompa very defiantly corrected those ignorant girls and said, "NO IT'S NOT, IT'S A DICK"!!!!!!! Guess he told them!!!!!! I went in another stall, hovered over the toilet and tried to pee, but I just couldn't. I was laughing so hard at the ridiculousness of this whole situation that my pee was completely stuck. My quads were getting a helluva work out squatting over that dirty toilet just waiting to relieve myself, but my laughter at those kids prevented me from doing so. Mr. Loompa was so indignant that the picture was of a "dick", NOT of a "penis", that for a moment I actually wanted to teach him some other great new words like "cock", "pecker" and "schlong", but then I realized that this kid's ancestors probably invented those words. Hell, this chubby Oompa Loompa could give ME an education in Penis slang.

Clearly the kid knew what a dick was, but considering the size of his belly, I wonder if he ever really saw his own member. Maybe he just gets all of his information from pictures, and lives vicariously through graffiti on bathroom stalls. He seriously might want to go on The Biggest Loser ASAP, because he's gonna be one VERY unhappy Oompa Loompa if he can't find his joystick when puberty hits. Those everlasting gobstoppers can only satisfy a teenage boy's desires for so long before they need to slap their salami. And just think when he finally finds what he's lookin' for. WHOO WEE!!!!! Mr. teenage Oompa Loompa will probably lay on his back, pull his camo cap over his eyes, and exclaim with much delight, "IT'S A DICK"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Image via Google Images


  1. Just remembered the Sex Ed class scene from Varsity Blues...


  2. This is exactly what I needed to find this morning...seriously laughed until I cried as I could envision both of the hilariously disturbing scenarios unfold above! IT'S A DICK!! That's my go-to saying for the day.

  3. I'm echoing Randy here. I'm going to use this phrase sometime today.

    And I'm going to say it like Admiral Akbar would, on Return of the Jedi.'s a DIIICK!

  4. Laughing so much your pee was stuck. THAT'S serious business. Usually when I laugh to hard I have to worry about it the other way around! lol

  5. Lovely moment. Oh, and that's got me thinking (it happens) so what if they came up with a Biggest Loser show for obese kids - you know like the little redneck? Or would coercing them to shed a hundred extra pounds be some type of child abuse and not make any television legal department types too happy? Just a thought anyway.