Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'm On The Lam

Yes it's true folks. I'm on the lam. I'm runnin' from the law. My friend Heather told me to check out @DumbestLaws on Twitter and it turns out that I've been breakin' laws all over this great nation of ours. Although I'm not proud of my criminal activity, sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ya know.

The last time I visited The City of Brotherly Love, I got myself a delicious, warm soft pretzel, slapped on some mustard, put it into one of those white plastic bags, and went on my merry way. However, according to the Act of 1760, you can not put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia, PA. WHO KNEW???????

Then a few years ago when I visited my friend Jim in Houston, we tore up that city!!! We got liquored up in one drinking establishment after another. DAMN, I sure didn't know it was illegal in Texas to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. Now I sure wasn't standing for long, but I'm here to tell ya that while I was upright, I broke some some beers laws in the Lone Star state with the best of 'em.

And in San Francisco persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. WHOO WEE, after three days of whoopin' it up in California's wine country, when I hit the streets of San Fran I was anything but purty. No one needed to classify me as "ugly", 'cause this gal right here coulda straight up told ya that I was butt ass UGLY!!!! Of course my hangover was even uglier.

Unfortunately I'm also a SERIOUS sex offender. SHOCKING I KNOW!!!!!! In Virginia, not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. If the law dogs ever find me, they are just gonna have to lock me up and throw away the key on that one 'cause I got a rap sheet from here to Timbuktu. If you have ever been to Virginia, then you have seen the plethora of bumper stickers, mugs, t-shirts and billboards claiming that "Virginia is for Lovers". Well in my lifetime I've visited many cities in Old Dominion and have certainly done my share of lovin' while I was there. And come on now folks, missionary style is SO damn boring!!!!!! I think I will hold my head up high if the coppers ever handcuff me for spicin' it up with a little reverse cowgirl and throwin' in some good ol' fashioned doggie style in their "state for lovers".

Oh and in Georgia ALL sex toys are banned. DAMN, I'm quite certain last year when I visited Atlanta that my trusty magic bullet was in my carry on. That sweet little thang has been a very good companion for me, and if the po po ever arrested me I would go kickin' and screamin' if they confiscated my favorite sex toy.

Hold on to your seats now folks. Oral sex is illegal in Florida. Shit, there's another state where I'm a habitual offender. Part of my honeymoon was spent in Florida. Being a new bride I thought an obligatory blow job was part of my wifely duty ya know. Then there was the Disney cruise when the kids were in Camp Mickey and Uncle Jeffy and I snuck away to our cabin for a quickie. Both of us broke the law that day. And again in Disney World many years later when the kids went to the arcade and we went back to the room for "a nap". Yeppers, guilty as charged.

As I'm on the run there is just one nagging question though that I can't seem to get out of my mind. In West Virginia it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 pounds. My born and bred Mountaineer hubby always had toy poodles as pets growing up. Dare I even ask????

I will be discussing more dumb ass laws across the USA tomorrow, so you may want to get your affairs in order in case you need to go on the lam as well. See ya in Canada folks! The weather ain't bad this time of year.

Thank you Heather for the great scoop!

Images via Google Images


  1. Damn. You too?! We best keep this short and sweet because they could be at our doors any moment. Just don't try the reverse cowgirl while riding the lamb - especially if it's over 50 pounds - in Alaska! Gotta keep movin. Oh, and don't forget to be ready to offer the authorities a custom pair of fur lined cuffs when the come to drag you off. Might was well make the most of it right?

  2. If you want a fun list of Idaho and Montana laws, come to my place. I've done posts on boths.

    And now, to Georgia! With as many dildos as possible!!!

  3. LOL That is great! I think I'm guilty of a few these things myself...LMAO As far as being ugly and walking in San Fransico streets, that's AWFUL. What kind of law is that?! lol

  4. bwhahah... those are great!! :) Ive heard of these dumb old arse forgotten laws. Can't wait to read more!!!