Friday, March 30, 2012

Dumb Ass Laws

Yesterday I wrote a post about me breaking all kinds of laws across this great nation of ours after reading @DumbestLaws on Twitter, a site where they claim all of the laws that they print are completely real. Today I thought I would comment on some other dumb ass laws around the nation. Like I told ya yesterday, if you find yourself in a heap of trouble and realize you are also a fugitive, come on the lam with me. Canada is a really nice country and I make a pretty good traveling companion.

If you read my post yesterday, you know I'm a repeat sex offender in Florida. Looks like my entire family just better stay clear of The Sunshine State because you may not fart in a public place after 6:00PM. Now I know for certain that when my Dad took me to Florida as a kid, Mr. Fart King himself was blowing bottle rockets outta his ass up and down the streets of Orlando. Good thing there wasn't a fart-o-meter around 'cause I got lucky and still had my Dad to raise me instead of him being thrown into the slammer for doing what he does best. Oh, and my little 12 year old comedian sure takes after his Grandpa in that department. That kid was tootin' up a storm at Disney World, especially after ridin' space mountain. Guess that roller coaster got his innards all in a tizzy.

The state constitution in Florida sure is interesting. It allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. Guess that's Snooki's get outta jail free card so long as she's preggers huh?

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. I suppose there aren't any redneck bars in Vermont where women get into fights and get their teeth knocked out. Or maybe those women just carry written permission from their husbands in their back pockets at all times, just in case they have to go to the emergency dental clinic to get a nice, shiny new set of dentures on the way home from girls' night out.

Did you know that in Seattle, Washington you may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length? I don't think anyone really has to worry about that unless you are the same height as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Uh Yea, I doubt many folks are carrying huge ass bazookas around in their pockets or under their trench coats.

Help me understand folks how in Alabama, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail????? HUH???? Wouldn't that seriously make just about every male in The Heart of Dixie a convict? Pretty much every dude has deflowered a virgin at some point right??? I'm confused by that one.

Now in Missouri a man must have a permit to shave. Guess they like their men lookin' like Grizzly Adams out there in The Show Me State. And in Kentucky a person must take a bath once a year. I don't see why if you aren't dirty and stinky. Seems like a waste of our precious water resources to me. Back in crazy Florida again, it is considered an offense to shower naked. Like I said, I'm just stayin' clear of The Sunshine State 'cause the last time I showered fully clothed it wasn't purty!!!!!!

After reading all of these dumb ass laws, one thing is for damn sure. I could NEVAH, EVAH live in the state of Massachusetts where a woman can not be on top in sexual activities. MY GAWD, I WOULD NEVAH HAVE AN ORGASM AGAIN!!!!!!!!  All the more reason to be a sex offender and OWN IT BABY!!!!!!!!

Thanks again to my friend Heather for informing me of this entertaining site.

Images via Google Images


  1. I have got to stop reading your posts at work. The giggling has people staring. Plus, if I laugh too hard I might have to run past the bosses office to get to the bathroom.

  2. I'm extremely curious how Massachusetts could ever in a million years fathom how they will ever monitor *that* law without violating privacy laws.

    Can you believe we pay our politicians to come up with this shit?

  3. There are at least two books on the subject of stupid laws. Two that I've read anyway.


  4. Thank God I don't live in Kentucky. I don't have enough time to shower once a year.

  5. Are you serious about the teeth??? I draw the line that having to ask my man for the right to chew food. Psh..

    Have a great weekend!!!!

  6. I'm pretty sure with the mountain of legal code in this great country of ours that they could get you for pretty much anything you are doing each day. What a fun bunch of hoodlums we are. Off to plan my next big crime spree.

  7. Ha, these laws are bizarre. Free the pregnant pigs!!!

  8. If you're going to have a no-farting law, you need to have fart collecting bottles that people can stick in their anuses. Holding in farts is definitely bad for the health. Are you sure you can only come if you're on top? There are some pretty good stimulators available in the market...

  9. Tax dollars hard at work. Those are ridiculous.

  10. Totally awesome posting! Loads of valuable data and motivation, both of which we all need!Relay welcome your work. Website