Friday, March 9, 2012

Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite

Did you ever hear that silly old saying, "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite"? Well here in little ol' Wilmington, North Cackalacky I guess the bed bugs were out for blood 'cause our local courthouse was closed yesterday due to an infestation of bed bugs. Exterminators needed full access to the building. My very first thought, as I'm sure all of you are thinking as well, was "Uh, don't you need to have a sleeping apparatus like a BED or a couch to have an infestation of bed bugs"???????????? I know it's been 11 long years since I've practiced law, but the last time I was at the county courthouse, there weren't any beds in the common areas. Of course my cynical mind immediately thought, "AH HAH, what really goes on in those judge's chambers huh"? A little hanky panky on a roll away bed where secret deals are made during private attorney conferences??????? My mind is purely in the gutter I'm tellin' ya!!!!

Now seriously, I don't know why the powers at be thought it was necessary to close the courthouse for such an ordeal. The media bombards us citizens with reports of how crowded the court docket is and warns against frivolous lawsuits. Well hell, there's your answer folks. Imagine how fast the attorneys would go through the court docket if their asses were sitting on chairs filled with bed bugs knowing those little critters were hungry and just dying for a taste of their sweet meat. Those lawyers would be settling cases and makin' deals so damn fast your head would spin. No clean cut counselor wants to tarnish his or her image with a nasty old case of bed bugitis. Think of the undesirable clients the attorney would be forced to represent if he looked like the photo below.

Bed Bug Rash- UGH!!!!!

I'm also thinkin' lame brains would be less apt to bring frivolous lawsuits too if they were in danger of getting a nasty rash from having to sit in a courthouse infested with bugs just waitin' to get under their skin. Long gone may be the days when some holy roller will sue David Blaine and David Copperfield demanding that they reveal their secret magic tricks to him (actual frivolous lawsuit). And there will no longer be a dumb ass who drinks a case of Budweiser, and when he fails to see two rockin' hot babes like on the commercial, sues Anheuser-Busch (another actual frivolous lawsuit). Perhaps every courthouse in America should plant bed bugs all around their courtrooms. Seems like it would cut down on the riff raff fo sho'!!!!!

I mean look at that little cutie. He needs to feed on humans to survive, so what better place than a courthouse filled with attorneys and criminals (some people would argue they are one in the same). This could be a serious deterrent to crime folks. Someone may think twice about committing a crime if they knew they had to defend themselves in a place where they were going to get the heebie jeebies where the sun don't shine 'cause little buggers were choppin' at the bit for a taste of their blood. Whew, and just think if they lost their case. WHOA, those first few nights in the stony lonesome ain't gonna be purdy until the guards find it in their heart to take the poor jail bird to the infirmary.

And in the absolute stupidest move to date, a spokesperson for the courthouse came on the news last evening and clarified that the bug infestation was NOT bed bugs as originally thought, but rather carpet beetles. Now how does New Hanover County, NC expect to deter crime, move those cases through the system at lightening speed, and prevent frivolous lawsuits without a bonafide threat???? Come on, who is afraid of carpet beetles????? I'm tellin' ya, the county had a legitimate shot at cleanin' up this town with the bed bug story. You blew it big time guys!!!!!!

Images: Here; There; wikipedia


  1. There really is a way to spin everything isn't there? I would never file a lawsuit (or fight one) if I knew bed bugs were waiting to greet me...yuck!

  2. Creepy post today (see what I did there?)

    Is there any way we can get the Bed Bugs genetically altered to eat Stink Bugs? (and perhaps blow up like Alka Seltzer fed Seagulls?)

    Gotta go back to see but that discusses to a lesser degree of squirm the Season of Joy unpacking Christmas bugs.


  3. Ooof, maybe the said it was bed bugs so they could get off work for a bit :) I would, lolz. Damn beetles!

  4. I could feel myself itching just looking at that gross picture of the little stinker!

  5. I have become paranoid of hotels because I am so afraid of bringing those things back. That is one reason why I don't travel too much.

    Next time I commit a crime, I only hope that the courthouse here in my town is safe...

  6. Looks scary lol!!! And following :)

  7. I wonder if someone was just really trying to delay their trial by letting a massive load of beetles into the courthouse the night before?