Friday, March 30, 2012

Dumb Ass Laws

Yesterday I wrote a post about me breaking all kinds of laws across this great nation of ours after reading @DumbestLaws on Twitter, a site where they claim all of the laws that they print are completely real. Today I thought I would comment on some other dumb ass laws around the nation. Like I told ya yesterday, if you find yourself in a heap of trouble and realize you are also a fugitive, come on the lam with me. Canada is a really nice country and I make a pretty good traveling companion.

If you read my post yesterday, you know I'm a repeat sex offender in Florida. Looks like my entire family just better stay clear of The Sunshine State because you may not fart in a public place after 6:00PM. Now I know for certain that when my Dad took me to Florida as a kid, Mr. Fart King himself was blowing bottle rockets outta his ass up and down the streets of Orlando. Good thing there wasn't a fart-o-meter around 'cause I got lucky and still had my Dad to raise me instead of him being thrown into the slammer for doing what he does best. Oh, and my little 12 year old comedian sure takes after his Grandpa in that department. That kid was tootin' up a storm at Disney World, especially after ridin' space mountain. Guess that roller coaster got his innards all in a tizzy.

The state constitution in Florida sure is interesting. It allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. Guess that's Snooki's get outta jail free card so long as she's preggers huh?

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. I suppose there aren't any redneck bars in Vermont where women get into fights and get their teeth knocked out. Or maybe those women just carry written permission from their husbands in their back pockets at all times, just in case they have to go to the emergency dental clinic to get a nice, shiny new set of dentures on the way home from girls' night out.

Did you know that in Seattle, Washington you may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length? I don't think anyone really has to worry about that unless you are the same height as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Uh Yea, I doubt many folks are carrying huge ass bazookas around in their pockets or under their trench coats.

Help me understand folks how in Alabama, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail????? HUH???? Wouldn't that seriously make just about every male in The Heart of Dixie a convict? Pretty much every dude has deflowered a virgin at some point right??? I'm confused by that one.

Now in Missouri a man must have a permit to shave. Guess they like their men lookin' like Grizzly Adams out there in The Show Me State. And in Kentucky a person must take a bath once a year. I don't see why if you aren't dirty and stinky. Seems like a waste of our precious water resources to me. Back in crazy Florida again, it is considered an offense to shower naked. Like I said, I'm just stayin' clear of The Sunshine State 'cause the last time I showered fully clothed it wasn't purty!!!!!!

After reading all of these dumb ass laws, one thing is for damn sure. I could NEVAH, EVAH live in the state of Massachusetts where a woman can not be on top in sexual activities. MY GAWD, I WOULD NEVAH HAVE AN ORGASM AGAIN!!!!!!!!  All the more reason to be a sex offender and OWN IT BABY!!!!!!!!

Thanks again to my friend Heather for informing me of this entertaining site.

Images via Google Images

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'm On The Lam

Yes it's true folks. I'm on the lam. I'm runnin' from the law. My friend Heather told me to check out @DumbestLaws on Twitter and it turns out that I've been breakin' laws all over this great nation of ours. Although I'm not proud of my criminal activity, sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ya know.

The last time I visited The City of Brotherly Love, I got myself a delicious, warm soft pretzel, slapped on some mustard, put it into one of those white plastic bags, and went on my merry way. However, according to the Act of 1760, you can not put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia, PA. WHO KNEW???????

Then a few years ago when I visited my friend Jim in Houston, we tore up that city!!! We got liquored up in one drinking establishment after another. DAMN, I sure didn't know it was illegal in Texas to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. Now I sure wasn't standing for long, but I'm here to tell ya that while I was upright, I broke some some beers laws in the Lone Star state with the best of 'em.

And in San Francisco persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. WHOO WEE, after three days of whoopin' it up in California's wine country, when I hit the streets of San Fran I was anything but purty. No one needed to classify me as "ugly", 'cause this gal right here coulda straight up told ya that I was butt ass UGLY!!!! Of course my hangover was even uglier.

Unfortunately I'm also a SERIOUS sex offender. SHOCKING I KNOW!!!!!! In Virginia, not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. If the law dogs ever find me, they are just gonna have to lock me up and throw away the key on that one 'cause I got a rap sheet from here to Timbuktu. If you have ever been to Virginia, then you have seen the plethora of bumper stickers, mugs, t-shirts and billboards claiming that "Virginia is for Lovers". Well in my lifetime I've visited many cities in Old Dominion and have certainly done my share of lovin' while I was there. And come on now folks, missionary style is SO damn boring!!!!!! I think I will hold my head up high if the coppers ever handcuff me for spicin' it up with a little reverse cowgirl and throwin' in some good ol' fashioned doggie style in their "state for lovers".

Oh and in Georgia ALL sex toys are banned. DAMN, I'm quite certain last year when I visited Atlanta that my trusty magic bullet was in my carry on. That sweet little thang has been a very good companion for me, and if the po po ever arrested me I would go kickin' and screamin' if they confiscated my favorite sex toy.

Hold on to your seats now folks. Oral sex is illegal in Florida. Shit, there's another state where I'm a habitual offender. Part of my honeymoon was spent in Florida. Being a new bride I thought an obligatory blow job was part of my wifely duty ya know. Then there was the Disney cruise when the kids were in Camp Mickey and Uncle Jeffy and I snuck away to our cabin for a quickie. Both of us broke the law that day. And again in Disney World many years later when the kids went to the arcade and we went back to the room for "a nap". Yeppers, guilty as charged.

As I'm on the run there is just one nagging question though that I can't seem to get out of my mind. In West Virginia it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 pounds. My born and bred Mountaineer hubby always had toy poodles as pets growing up. Dare I even ask????

I will be discussing more dumb ass laws across the USA tomorrow, so you may want to get your affairs in order in case you need to go on the lam as well. See ya in Canada folks! The weather ain't bad this time of year.

Thank you Heather for the great scoop!

Images via Google Images

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The King of Free Loaders

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, and today I've got a doozy for ya!!! If you had a sweet deal livin' off the government, how far would you go to protect your free pass? Nobody really wants to earn an honest living do they? I mean it's SO much easier to be a free loader these days. Just ask 56 year old, long term unemployed, Hans Url from Austria.

When Mr. Url got word that his unemployment benefits were about to get cut off, he cuts off his own foot. Yeppers, you heard that right. That crazy bastard cranked up his power saw and severed his foot above his ankle. WHOO WEE, sure hope he chugged a 12 pack of Bock or Hefeweizen before he plugged in that power tool, 'cause holy shit ya gotta have some liquid courage before goin' to that extreme. LAWD, he gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures".

Then just to be sure that the doctors couldn't reattach his foot, Mr. Freeloader tosses his foot into this oven and burns it up. DAMN, now that is a man on a mission to keep his benefits a comin'. Can't you just see him bleeding profusely and chanting about his desire not to go back to the productive work force: "Hell No, I Won't Go, Hell No, I Won't Go"!!!!!!! And when that dude sets his mind to somethin', he gits 'er dun!!!!!!! Hans sure gets my vote for the King of Freeloaders. Anybody willing to almost bleed to death on the way to the hospital just to get out of going back to work is one determined mother fuckin' freeloader!!!

What started out looking like an ordinary Halloween decoration, ended up looking like a platter of charbroiled fried chicken. At least Mr. Url accomplished his goal of making reattachment impossible. However, the job center staff has now informed him that his new disability may not automatically rule him out of work. Once the King of Freeloaders is released from the hospital he will be reassessed to determine what types of jobs he is qualified for. I'm thinkin' the dude would be a stellar employee at his local sawmill. He's obviously very proficient at using a power saw, so put his skills to good use. Or if surgeons need help in the operating room with amputations, he's definitely the man!!!! Experience counts ya know. Of course the guy can also work an oven pretty well, and I hear crematories are always lookin' for someone to light the match on the big ass furnace. You don't need two good feet to light a fire baby!!!!! 

Images: Here and Google Images

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Few, The Proud, The Pinners

Yes, it's true!!!! I received and accepted the coveted invitation to join Pinterest. I'm now among the few, the proud, the pinners!!!! However, since I move to the beat of a different drummer, and have definitely NEVAH been a pack follower, I thought I would bring some originality to this whole pinning gig. Instead of pinning recipes, cute fashion ideas, or exotic places to my pin boards, I decided to bring a bit of my warped and wacky sense of humor to this social media site.

There's my favorite pin from the board I call "LOL". To me, that is seriously laugh out loud funny!!! I mean look at that goober. Can't you just see that nerd actually shitting his pants in class when he tries to sneak out a fart?

Here's a pin on my board called "My Style". I absolutely LOVED Miss Burger Queen's practical cup holder right between her giant bazookas. That takes serious talent. Plus, her straw is turned the right way for her rockin' hot Burger "King" to take a sip should he so desire. MMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMM GOOD BABY!!!!!!! Gotta wash those whoppers down with somethin' good and cold ya know.

Here's another pin for my board "My Style". Although I don't really like her sundress so much, that purse is incredibly stylish. And damn, any chick brave enough to show her belly button gets fashion points in my book!!!! This gal gives a whole new meaning to the word "outie" (vs. "innie").

This chick made it into "My Style" for her clever use of color. Look how nicely the colors of her shirt match the bright orange of her car. That is some wonderful use of accessorizing!!! Plus, this cutie ain't lettin' her disability get her down. No neck, no problem!!!! She's toolin' around town like nobody's business.

Now in my brief navigation of Pinterest, one thing I found sorely missing was pins of rednecks. So, I thought I better shake things up at that joint and start keepin' it real for those folks. So, I created a board called "Rednecks Rule". This guy takin' a crap, talkin' on his cell phone was my first pin. I called him Redneck dump and dial. Ya gotta love it!!!!!

And last but not least in the "Redneck Rules" board is the Redneck wheel barrow. Ya gotta give that chick points for trying, in a thong no less. I would hire her to move some heavy shit around my house any day!!

There ya have it folks. Let's take dibs on how long it will take until I receive hate mail from the powers at be at Pinterest saying my pins "are inappropriate" or "not suited for the purpose intended".

Images via: Here and Google images

Friday, March 23, 2012

It's A Dick!!!

A couple of nights ago I attended my son's JV baseball game, and his team happened to be playing the same team again that has the pitcher with the beard. If you missed that post you can find it Here. If you've ever been to a high school athletic event, and had to go to the bathroom, you know you only go if it's a dire emergency 'cause those bathrooms are just plain nasty. At the top of the 6th inning, I just couldn't hold my bladder anymore and went to the ladies' restroom. I opened the door and found five kids, all under the age of about seven, running around. There were two boys and three girls. None of them were remarkable looking, except for the leader of the pack, who looked just like an Oompa Loompa wearing a camouflage cap. He was about 2 feet, 3 inches tall, chubby, bordering on obese, and had the makins' of a redneck written all over him!!!! I figured he was probably the bearded pitcher's younger brother.

When I walked inside the restroom, Mr. Oompa Loompa strained his neck and looked up at all 5 feet, 3 inches of me and said, "Look, there's nuts". He pointed to graffiti on the back of the bathroom stall that I have recreated for you below.

I was so stunned by his bravado at such a tender age, that after I picked my mouth up off the floor, I replied, "Thank you so much for pointing that out to me". Then the little girls started giggling and saying "it's a penis, it's a penis, it's a penis". To that, Oompa very defiantly corrected those ignorant girls and said, "NO IT'S NOT, IT'S A DICK"!!!!!!! Guess he told them!!!!!! I went in another stall, hovered over the toilet and tried to pee, but I just couldn't. I was laughing so hard at the ridiculousness of this whole situation that my pee was completely stuck. My quads were getting a helluva work out squatting over that dirty toilet just waiting to relieve myself, but my laughter at those kids prevented me from doing so. Mr. Loompa was so indignant that the picture was of a "dick", NOT of a "penis", that for a moment I actually wanted to teach him some other great new words like "cock", "pecker" and "schlong", but then I realized that this kid's ancestors probably invented those words. Hell, this chubby Oompa Loompa could give ME an education in Penis slang.

Clearly the kid knew what a dick was, but considering the size of his belly, I wonder if he ever really saw his own member. Maybe he just gets all of his information from pictures, and lives vicariously through graffiti on bathroom stalls. He seriously might want to go on The Biggest Loser ASAP, because he's gonna be one VERY unhappy Oompa Loompa if he can't find his joystick when puberty hits. Those everlasting gobstoppers can only satisfy a teenage boy's desires for so long before they need to slap their salami. And just think when he finally finds what he's lookin' for. WHOO WEE!!!!! Mr. teenage Oompa Loompa will probably lay on his back, pull his camo cap over his eyes, and exclaim with much delight, "IT'S A DICK"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Image via Google Images

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dirty Money

It's Wacky Wednesday again folks, and today I went all the way to the land down under to bring you this wacky story. First of all, I must say that the World News Australia is just so polite with their headlines. "Bikie charged after being found with cash wedged in buttocks". I literally can not stop laughing at that. Those mates down under are just so nice!!! Since y'all know I'm a straight shootin' redneck, I'll keep it real for ya. That translates to a biker dude was arrested for stuffing drug money up his ass.

Two members of the Rebels outlaw motorcycle gang were arrested in Sydney after officers pulled over and searched their Lexus. The popo found 300 Ecstasy pills, $22,000 of cash inside the vehicle, and a whopping $3,400 in cash concealed in one of the dude's ass cracks. DAMN, that guy must have a huge fucking ass to be able to stuff that amount of cash inside his crack. As my Dad always says about a big butt, "when someone tells him to haul ass he's gonna need to make two trips."!!! Either that, or the dude's crack is as wide as the Grand Canyon. And can you just imagine how hilarious that must have been as the law dogs are chasing the bikers' car, and the one "bikie" is pulling down his pants and stuffing the money inside his ass??? Hey mate, does this bulge in my buttocks make me look fat??? No mate, you can hardly tell, except for the $20 hanging out over your undies. Yo matie, when I sit down I feel like I have a load in my pants. LAWD, it's like a scene straight out of a Crocodile Dundee meets Eddie Murphy movie.

And seriously, you can make that much money selling Ecstasy??? Shit, I need to rethink my entire career agenda. Sure there are risks involved, but what high powered career doesn't include a few risks? And women have a distinct advantage with this drug dealing business. We have TWO holes in which we can conceal contraband. FINALLY, a career where women can succeed over men!!!! 

Well, the coppers sure did find a pile of cash when they pulled over these dudes. And the Aussies even have polite names for the charges against the bikies. Among other things, the one dude was charged with "recklessly dealing with the proceeds of crime". I suppose that means skid marks on the cash makes bagging the evidence a damn nasty job. Yeppers, that gives dirty money a whole new meaning folks!!!!!

Thanks so much to my friend and faithful reader Denise who hooked me up with this story.  

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

March Madness Gone Nuts!!!!

MMMMMMMMMM  MMMMMMMMMM GOOD!!!!!! There is nuthin' better than a good cheesy pizza. Hell, just ask the folks at Urology Associates of Cape Cod (UACC). They are offering a free pizza for every vasectomy scheduled during one of their three clinics during March Madness. Their promotion is "go under the knife, get a slice" and they give dudes a coupon for a free pizza at a local pizza place if they schedule a vasectomy. The idea is that after the surgical procedure, the guys need to recuperate on the couch, and what better way than to watch the tournament and eat some pizza. Apparently the gimmick is working. UACC normally does about 5 consultations per week, but since they started running this promotion, they have done about 100. Now that is truly March Madness gone nuts!!! Getting your nuts sliced and diced for the promise of a free pizza. Whew, guess some guys will do just about anything for an excuse to lay around and watch basketball.

Now, I've conducted my own unofficial poll with some of my guy friends about whether they think a free pizza would be a good enough incentive for them to sign up for the ol' snip, snip procedure. All of them (including some who have actually had the surgery) said HELL NO!!!!!! My husband, who is the world's worst critic, said he would never go to a urologist who has to resort to giving away free pizza to get patients. Guess he thinks that is just plain cheesy!!!!!!

The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey babe, check out this cool promotion. A free pizza if you sign up to get your nuts snipped.

Uncle Jeffy(UJ): That has to be the damn stOOpidist, most lame brained, marketing idea I've ever heard of.

Me: No Really. I think you should consider something similar for your plastic surgery practice. How about a free quart of Ben and Jerry's after liposuction while watching a Real Housewives marathon?

UJ: Uh no, I don't think I can promote unhealthy eating after I just performed a cosmetic procedure.

Me: How about a free magazine subscription of your choice after getting your eyelids done?

UJ: Deb, the patient's eyes are so swollen, they can barely see to read.

Me: What about a free ab roller after a tummy tuck?

UJ: After one of my tummy tucks you won't need an ab roller.

Me: Well damn boy, aren't you the hot shot????? OK then, go for broke and give a free bottle of wine for every new rack.

UJ: No alcohol while taking pain medication.

Me: You're no fun.

UJ: Yea well, I don't need any Whitney Houstons on my watch.

Me: Nobody likes a smart ass.

Images Here and Google Images

Monday, March 19, 2012

Junk on the Trunk

There's 22 year old William Paul Newkirk, who took a few hits of acid, and was found jumping on cars buck ass naked in one of Wilmington's oldest and most established neighborhoods on Friday afternoon. I must say I was SO pissed off when I heard the law dogs carted him off to the hospital. Yea I know he was charged with breaking and entering into a few homes, and that he snatched a lady's cellphone from her when she tried to call 911. But come on folks!!!!! Mr. Newkirk was providing some AMAZING, FREE entertainment to start off the weekend. Seriously, here I am a decent tax paying citizen, and there's some dude willing to let me check under his hood from the comfort of my own vehicle and I'm denied that right????? What a damn rip off.

Hell, I have some really good friends who live in that neighborhood, and I could have scored a sweet parking spot in front of their house, had a few cocktails, and could have seen a real live cock and tail right in front of me. And front and center seats can NOT be beat!!!! Do you people realize how much effort it takes to scratch and claw your way to front row seats at one of those all male reviews??????? You really take your life into your own hands with all of those screaming, liquored up women waiting to pull out your hair if you cut in front of them. Plus, this guy was doing the full monty baby!!!! Not just strippin' down to a g-string. Here was Mr. Newkirk willing to jump on cars in his birthday suit for free and the po po decided to lock him up. A disgrace to women everywhere I'm tellin' ya!!!!!

Yeppers, Friday afternoon in Forest Hills neighborhood could have been a helluva place for a bachelorette party or a girls' day out. A naked man jumping from car to car with his stick shift flapping in the breeze is a ONCE in a lifetime opportunity!!! Not to mention, he obviously has some acrobatic ability to be able to actually jump up on those automobiles. Every chick likes a dude with athletic prowess!!!! But maybe the poor guy had a spare tire and the police thought it was best for all concerned that they take him away. So I guess, instead of "junk IN the trunk", Mr. Newkirk coined a new phrase "junk ON the trunk".

Image: Here

Friday, March 16, 2012

That Greaser Guy

A couple of weeks ago at my son's JV baseball game, there was a kid on the other team who had a beard resembling Shaggy from Scooby Doo. My husband and I laughed our asses off because most of these 14-16 year old kids shave about once a month whether they need to or not. Our son couldn't grow a beard even if he didn't shave for a year!!!!! That bearded boy got me thinkin' about my own high school days. I'm sure all of you can relate to this. Wasn't there that one greaser guy growing up with you who had his driver's license in like 8th grade?

Yeppers, you know the type. He had a full beard when you were still in elementary school, wore plain white t-shirts and ratty old jeans to school every day. At first you thought he was really cool because he seemed "so worldly", but then you realized he flunked about 4 grades and actually should have graduated when your entire class just started middle school.

Well, I'm gonna call the greaser guy at my school "Buddy", because that name to me just signifies a bully, a greaser, a bad ass, and later on a jail bird. Buddy was all of the above. Buddy came from a large family and the kids always ran around town unattended. I was severely frightened of his older brother, and whenever he drove by, my friend Andrea and I would run and hide. One time during elementary school, Buddy pulled a thread on my skirt at recess, and he kept pulling and pulling and pulling until my entire skirt unraveled. I was literally standing there on the blacktop in my yellow underwear. My teacher quickly wrapped her sweater around my waist and I had to wear that sweater until my Dad arrived with a new outfit for me.

Now this folks was in the early 70's before MANY laws were enforced like they are today. My Dad busted through the doors of that school, into my classroom, and hollered at the top of his lungs, "BUDDY I'm gonna kick your fucking ass"!!!!!!!! WHEW, I can remember that plain as day folks!!!!! But, Buddy didn't even flinch. He didn't even bat an eye. Guess he was used to authority figures comin' to kick his ass. Thank God, the poor teacher held my Dad back because he was goin' for that boy's throat. Those were the good ol' days my friends.

However, that little incident must have pissed Buddy off though, 'cause Buddy did the unspeakable!!!! In the fourth grade, I was standing by a pole, minding my own business, in my favorite striped purple Danskin matching top and skirt when Buddy approached me. He said in his post puberty low voice, "Hey Debbie, you know there ain't no Santa Claus right? It's just your stupid parents". I stood there and cried my eyes out!!!! I'm talkin' buckets of tears. I couldn't believe it!!!!! NO ONE believed in the magic of Christmas more than me!!!!! My hopes and dreams just went up in smoke. He fucking ruined me for life. And all of this coming from a greaser who probably never even got a lump of coal in his dirty old stocking.

But as they say, Karma is a bitch. As we entered middle school, Buddy started getting into trouble with the law. There were a few shoplifting incidents, smoking on school property, and lots of fights. But then Buddy just sort of disappeared. Rumor had it, that he ended up in the stony lonesome after turnin' to hard crime. That will serve you right Buddy for tearing off an innocent little girl's skirt, and then ruining her one big dream she had left of Santa. I told Bubba and the boys to take REAL good care of ya in the slammer. Remember the soap gets awful slippy, so watch out behind ya!!!!! YOWZAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Images via: Google Images

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Jessica Simpson Phenomenon

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday. Today is devoted to the billionaire bimbo Jessica Simpson who must have the longest pregnancy EVAH recorded. Seriously, haven't we all heard about her being pregnant now for at least two years??????????

So here's Jessica totally ripping off Demi Moore's iconic Vanity Fair cover 21 years ago. That's all fine and dandy I suppose 'cause Demi is the person Jessica needs to apologize to for stealing her glory. But folks, I got one word for this cover shot- PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Either that picture was taken 7 LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNG months ago, or the dudes in the photoshop department had a helluva party cuttin' and snippin' about 3 feet off the diameter of her belly and took about 5 pounds off each of her famous Double D's.

UH YEAH, here's a recent shot of Miss Simpson, lookin' like her baby bump turned into Mount Everest. And from the looks of those milk jugs, her big ol' bundle of joy certainly ain't gonna go hungry!!!!!! She could feed a small country in Africa with those chumbuwumbas!!!

Now before you get your panties in a wad and start thinkin' that I'm bashing a pregnant woman, I'm here to tell ya that I personally think pregnancy gives you a free pass. Hell, when I was pregnant with my second child, I had a cushy desk job and ate a 2 pound bag of peanut M&M's every 3 days. By my delivery date my ass could barely fit through my office door and I outweighed my husband by a good 10-15 pounds. My ankles were swollen up like Dumbo's after eatin' too many salty peanuts. NOT PRETTY!!!!!!! All I'm sayin' here is that I think it's a damn shame that the photo on some magazine is obviously not showing folks the true story. They are trying to glamorize a star's pregnancy when the woman is anything but a rockin' hot babe right now. Keep it real people, keep it real!!!!! Shove the air brush up your own skinny ass. Show the humongous belly, show the stretch marks, show the fucking cellulite!!!!!!!! 

Now the real question becomes, how many Master Cleanses will it take the fashion mogul to go from this:

back to the itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini clad days of old?????????

Images: Here and Google Images

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Willard's 100 Club

I have been officially inducted into Willard Scott's 100 Club!!!! Today is my 100th blog post. A milestone for damn sure!!!!! Willard already put my picture on a Smucker's jar like all of the folks celebrating their 100th birthdays, so I know it's cause for a celebration!!! In my typical style I'll pop the cork on some champagne, pour me a Debosa, put on some classic rock, dance in my underwear, and shout out a big ol' WHOO HOO to all the poor neighbors who happen to be home. Problem is they will just think it's another typical day at my house. That redneck Deb is gettin' plastered again.

Now for all of you faithful readers, I thought I would do a "best of version" of Just Keepin' It Real, Folks' on this 100th post. First I wanted to link you to my all time favorite post. It was called "Ho Ho Ho Hobo" found here. I stalked a Hobo for days and then chased him down in my car while he was riding his bicycle just to get his picture. Now that's dedication!!!! I finally caught up with him at a local gas station and he was more than happy to oblige. You see, he looks EXACTLY like Santa Claus and I had this wacked out idea for a blog post starring this guy. Good thing the cave that houses my computer is right next to a bathroom because I peed a little when writing that post. I was literally laughing out loud so hard pounding on the computer keys that my family nearly committed me to the local mental facility that night.

And by a landslide, statistics show that my most popular post has been the one devoted to Steven Tyler and his MOOBS. That was posted in early January and people are still reading that one. I've reposted it again for your viewing pleasure. ENJOY!!!!!!!

Steven Tyler Ain't Got The MOVES, He's Got MOOBS!!!!!!

WHOA, there are some things that should NEVAH, EVAH be seen in the light of day, and folks, this is one of them!!!! Please remove all young children from the room while you are viewing this as my own kids had nightmares last night when they saw this picture. I completely understand if you need to go visit the porcelain God yourself right now.

YES FOLKS, it looks like Mr. Aerosmith has MAN BOOBS, or MOOBS, as they are more commonly referred to. Now in all honesty, I know plenty of women who would actually pay to have a rack like that. All he needs is a BRO. You know, one of those man bras that Kramer referred to in that classic Seinfeld episode. Steven's moobs look like they could use the help of an underwire, but damn, at his age that ain't nuthin'. After havin' two kids, my boobs have been headin' south for years- WAY south!!!!!! He has a decent chest so I'm thinkin' about a 38 B should do him about right. Can't you just see Steven Tyler shopping at Victoria's Secret for HIMSELF???? On second thought, I'm sure he has been doing that for years.

As for the camo banana hammock, I'm really at a loss for words. I would expect Steven to wear camouflage, and he does blend in nicely with the rocks. But no man really looks sexy in a speedo. There is just something about budgie smugglers that bring the sleaze factor up about 75%. It just reminds me of a group of screaming, liquored up women with dollar bills between their front teeth hoping for a sneak peak from a sweaty, coked up male dancer. Not that I've ever been in that group of women, but I've heard stories.

I AM afraid that poor Steven is going to end up on the cover of the next tabloid that does the big story entitled "Stars Without Makeup". WHEW, that guy sure does need some help from Mary Kay before his photo ops. Be that as it may, I'm still an Aerosmith fan. Put your clothes back on Steven, get a makeover and ROCK ON!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much folks for continuing to read my warped and wacky sense of humor. I realize my blog is only for the discriminating reader, but I hope I bring you joy and laughter, 'cause I sure do get lots of both from writing these bizarre and sometimes outlandish snippets of craziness.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Bestiality Ballbusters

When I was growing up in rural Pennsylvania every now and then you would hear news reports of some weirdo having sex with a sheep. I know it may sound disgusting and downright disturbing to some of you reading this, but as strange as this may sound, after a few of those reports you sort of got desensitized to it. Not that it ever became commonplace, but it was just sort of like, "Wow, wonder if I know the guy"? I mean damn, some of my classmates lived so far out in the country on farms they had over an hour ride on the school bus just to get to school each day. Think how lonely they must have been out there just milkin' those cows. Gotta do somethin' to get your rocks off ya know!!!

It seemed like when the BIG state farm show in Harrisburg rolled around every year, there was always a report of some sort of bestiality. I suppose those farmers got downright pumped up at the site of their purdy little beauties they were paradin' out in front of the state capital. The sheep, cows, pigs and horses were lookin' their VERY best lemme tell ya!!!! And those blue ribbon winners were probably just ripe for the pickins!!!!!! I imagine the site of all those animals primed and ready for their beauty pageant caused some perverts to get a big old boner and the sheep just didn't stand a chance with their gorgeous soft wool. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

But the other day I saw on the news a report of a 19 year old dude in Georgia caught on video having sex with female pit bulls. DAMN, now that is hard core!!!! I mean seriously, it's one thing to bang it out with a docile animal like a sheep, but to shag an animal known for its aggressiveness is quite another. That guy could have literally had his nuts ripped off. But yea, Bernard Archer was caught on video inside the dogs' kennel, on his knees, porking the pit bulls.

Now tell me, how damn desperate must you be to resort to fucking a dog??????? Excuse me, a DANGEROUS dog. Wouldn't it just be easier and safer to spend a few bucks on a Hustler magazine and slap your salami while drooling over the hot babes????  And if Mr. Archer really wanted a dog, he could just go down to any sleazy bar about closin' time and have his pick of the litter. The only danger he would have to worry about there is his dick rotting off from a bad STD. Nuthin' a little ol' shot of penicillin can't cure. But hey, that's better than having his pecker chewed off by a pit bull.

He just looks guilty doesn't he? There's somethin' about those eyes. The worst part of the whole deal is that Mr. Archer is now sitting in the slammer charged with two counts of bestiality. Imagine how Bubba and the boys are treating him. You just know the poor dude is takin' it up the Hershey Highway doggie style. I wonder if he's lettin' out a big ol' WHOOF WHOOF???????

Images via: Here and Google Images

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Channeling My Creativity

HOT DAMN, someone out there in the blogosphere actually thinks I'm creative. WHO KNEW?????? I just fancy myself as some redneck pounding the keyboard and trying to spread joy to those of you brave enough to read my warped and wacky sense of humor. But hey, my faithful reader and creative blogger in her own right, Whats On Your Mind Monkey Butt, thought I was worthy of this award, so I am humbled and SO VERY THANKFUL!!!!! Her blog is full of amazing photos on Fridays and awesome music on Tuesdays, so just to be named a winner amongst company such as that is a HUGE honor!!!!

Now the rules of this prestigious award are that I must tell you 10 random things about myself, and then tag 6 creative bloggers who are also deserving of this honor. Please don't judge, but here are the 10 random, slightly off the wall, crazy things you may or may not care to know about me:

1.    I have an unnatural, completely unrealistic fear of fish, stemming from an incident 25 years ago when I actually saw a fish jump out of a lake and bite my brother in law on his nipple. He screamed like a girl, his nipple was bleeding, and there were REAL teeth marks rimming his nipple. It seriously scarred me for life!!!! I rarely, if ever, get in the ocean as a result.

2.    With the exception of breakfast, I need to have something sweet (preferably chocolate) after every meal.

3.     I meditate daily.

4.     I'm a college football fanatic!!!!!!!!  If you dare trash talk my beloved West Virginia Mountaineers I will open up a can of whoop ass on ya!!!!!!

5.     I cuss like a sailor. Oh, I think you already knew that huh??????????

6.     Pompous assholes, and people who think their shit don't stink, get on my very last nerve and bother me to no end. I seriously want to bash their head against the wall, knock some sense into their overinflated egos, and scream at them to JUST GET REAL for Christ's sake!!! WHEW, sorry for that rage but I feel much better now.

7.     The mountains are my preferred vacation destination.

8.     Snow makes me unbelievably horny. I'm talkin' gotta have you now, RIGHT NOW kinda sex as soon as I see a snowflake!!!!!! Unfortunately, I live in a climate where we get snow about once every 3 years. MAJOR KILLJOY!!!!!!

9.     My all time favorite bottle of wine is Swanson Alexis.

10.    And in the words of my soul sister Cari at Mayhem and Madness I would SO fuck the werewolf over the vampire. Like she so eloquently said, "Why would you want pale and sparkly when you could have big and beefy"? AMEN SISTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's What I'm Talkin' About!!!!!!!
Now I must tag 6 deserving creative bloggers who you need to check out:
1.    It's My Mind  by Wily Guy is incredibly well written and I just GET him ya know!!!!

2.    Crack You Whip by Tracie has amazing illustrations and she can find humor in any situation.

3.    Random Girl Blog  and her soft-core Fridays is the bomb!!!

4.    Pickleope is absolutely hilarious. I find myself laughing out loud!!!

5.    Raviolis & Waterworks by Jax is one of my newest and favorite finds. This girl's got it goin on!!

6.    Alfred Lives Here cracks me up and it's always interesting to read a Canadian perspective.

So there you have it folks. I'm gonna savor my award and make Uncle Jeffy take me out for a mighty fancy dinner to celebrate. Maybe he will even spring for a bottle of Swanson Alexis. Hey, a girl can dream right!!!!!

Image via: Google Images

Friday, March 9, 2012

Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite

Did you ever hear that silly old saying, "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite"? Well here in little ol' Wilmington, North Cackalacky I guess the bed bugs were out for blood 'cause our local courthouse was closed yesterday due to an infestation of bed bugs. Exterminators needed full access to the building. My very first thought, as I'm sure all of you are thinking as well, was "Uh, don't you need to have a sleeping apparatus like a BED or a couch to have an infestation of bed bugs"???????????? I know it's been 11 long years since I've practiced law, but the last time I was at the county courthouse, there weren't any beds in the common areas. Of course my cynical mind immediately thought, "AH HAH, what really goes on in those judge's chambers huh"? A little hanky panky on a roll away bed where secret deals are made during private attorney conferences??????? My mind is purely in the gutter I'm tellin' ya!!!!

Now seriously, I don't know why the powers at be thought it was necessary to close the courthouse for such an ordeal. The media bombards us citizens with reports of how crowded the court docket is and warns against frivolous lawsuits. Well hell, there's your answer folks. Imagine how fast the attorneys would go through the court docket if their asses were sitting on chairs filled with bed bugs knowing those little critters were hungry and just dying for a taste of their sweet meat. Those lawyers would be settling cases and makin' deals so damn fast your head would spin. No clean cut counselor wants to tarnish his or her image with a nasty old case of bed bugitis. Think of the undesirable clients the attorney would be forced to represent if he looked like the photo below.

Bed Bug Rash- UGH!!!!!

I'm also thinkin' lame brains would be less apt to bring frivolous lawsuits too if they were in danger of getting a nasty rash from having to sit in a courthouse infested with bugs just waitin' to get under their skin. Long gone may be the days when some holy roller will sue David Blaine and David Copperfield demanding that they reveal their secret magic tricks to him (actual frivolous lawsuit). And there will no longer be a dumb ass who drinks a case of Budweiser, and when he fails to see two rockin' hot babes like on the commercial, sues Anheuser-Busch (another actual frivolous lawsuit). Perhaps every courthouse in America should plant bed bugs all around their courtrooms. Seems like it would cut down on the riff raff fo sho'!!!!!

I mean look at that little cutie. He needs to feed on humans to survive, so what better place than a courthouse filled with attorneys and criminals (some people would argue they are one in the same). This could be a serious deterrent to crime folks. Someone may think twice about committing a crime if they knew they had to defend themselves in a place where they were going to get the heebie jeebies where the sun don't shine 'cause little buggers were choppin' at the bit for a taste of their blood. Whew, and just think if they lost their case. WHOA, those first few nights in the stony lonesome ain't gonna be purdy until the guards find it in their heart to take the poor jail bird to the infirmary.

And in the absolute stupidest move to date, a spokesperson for the courthouse came on the news last evening and clarified that the bug infestation was NOT bed bugs as originally thought, but rather carpet beetles. Now how does New Hanover County, NC expect to deter crime, move those cases through the system at lightening speed, and prevent frivolous lawsuits without a bonafide threat???? Come on, who is afraid of carpet beetles????? I'm tellin' ya, the county had a legitimate shot at cleanin' up this town with the bed bug story. You blew it big time guys!!!!!!

Images: Here; There; wikipedia

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Rockin' For A Cause- Part II

Today's post is a continuation of yesterday's post where I talked about the charity event that Uncle Jeffy and I participate in every year for The Carousel Center. The Carousel Center is a nonprofit organization that treats victims of child abuse in my local community. Every year, local folks agree to make fools of themselves by dressing up like famous musicians and lip sync songs on stage to raise the big bucks for the Center's annual gala. If you missed yesterday's post, I showed some of Uncle Jeffy's most memorable performances. Today I intend to share with you some of mine.

There I am masquerading as Cher. Now you have to understand that when I was about 9 years old, I truly thought I WAS Cher. I would watch The Sonny and Cher show religiously, hold a pretend microphone, and practice Cher's every song, movement, and her famous lip lickin' trick in my bedroom. I really think I'm THE original Cher impersonator!!!!!

Here I am backstage hob knobbin' with a young Tina Turner. We did a duet that year and had a blast!!!!!

After my Cher gig, my friend Robin and I decided to parody the Wilson sisters from the group Heart. Of course we put a comedy spin on the whole deal, so please watch the entire video. I promise you, you will not be disappointed.

Now for those of you young'uns who weren't even born when Heart was popular and had all of their hit songs, lemme tell ya, those chicks were ROCKIN' HOT back in the day. But, then Ann started packin' on the pounds and looked like Jonah Hill before his dramatic weight loss, hence the whole comedy routine. Get it, got it, good!!!!!

Last year I had to completely change races, for my portrayal of Diana Ross. I was layin' in the tanning bed every other day for two months to get as dark as possible. Our group performed a hilarious rendition of "I'm Coming Out". My posse included some awesome popular gay folks like Ellen, Elton John, George Michael, and the "is he or isn't he gay" Tom Cruise. That song was such a blast to perform, and as much as the openly gay characters tried to convince Tom that "coming out" is OK, he still ran back to Katie.

This year the theme of the gala is "One Hit Wonders", so Robin and I are doing "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses. As you can imagine, we are straight up making fun of men with this act. Since we can't really get a muscle car on stage, we are going to give it the old college try with some other relevant props. Hey, every dude gets his rocks off from a rip roarin' power tool right? The show is on St. Patrick's Day, so stay tuned for video coverage and/or photos from the benefit.