Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm a Crack Head


Hi, my name is Deb and I'm a crack head. I reluctantly had to stand up and say this out loud in a room full of strangers after my family staged an intervention. You see, I'm addicted to thin mints. But not just any chocolate covered mint cookie. OH NO folks!!!! My drug of choice is thin mint girl scout cookies. After I saw that crack was one of the ingredients in those tasty morsels, I figured out real damn quick why I always had such a fantastic high after eating an entire sleeve of cookies.

I'm a second generation addict. My Mom was also addicted to thin mints, but she didn't know they taste much better if you put them in the freezer. I think the crack takes a bit longer to process through your system when it's really cold, so the high lasts much, much longer. Yea my poor Mom only got a quick cheap ass thrill. My high can last for hours if those puppies are frozen solid.

One of the ways I used to try to hide my addiction was to buy my drug from various suppliers. After all, I do have several friends whose daughters are in the girl scouts. If you spread the wealth around, you are helping out different troops, and it doesn't look like you have a serious problem. That worked for awhile, until my family found my hidden stash which could feed a small country in Africa. So now I have resorted to stalking all sorts of places where those little girls with the green sashes might be selling their wares. I will drive around town with a cooler in my car searching every grocery store, pharmacy, and WalMart in search of the girl scout cookie stand out front. When I see it, I start to sweat, my heart beats faster, and my hands start shaking. I just can't wait for my tongue to taste that delicious drug. The first few cookies I always devour in a split second, but then I take my time and start to savour every little crumb. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, when that crack starts flowing through my veins I see all sorts of beautiful colors and then the hallucinations begin. I'm talkin' all kinds of cool shit.

But alas, I've hit rock bottom and I am now in a recovery program. Life here ain't too bad 'cause the counselors give us 2 short bread girl scout cookies per day as part of our treatment. I've met some really nice people and we laugh and cry together. Some of these poor folks were snorting thin mints up their nose but the menthol burned their nasal passages. Others were freebasing those yummy treats but the chocolate kept melting and putting out the flame. DAMN, the things a crack head has gotta put up with to catch a high!!!!

Folks, please listen to this recovering addict. Those mint chocolate rounds of tasty goodness are really pure evil in disguise. PURE EVIL I'M TELLIN' YA!!!!!!!!!!

Images via: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rollinp/the-secret-ingredient-in-thin-mints-2b2d

11 comments:

  1. bwhahaha.... Thats awesome. Mr. Monkey Butt sent me this photo last week, hilarous. Not a big fan of thin mints, bad experience i guess, lets not talk about it! :) Glad you're on the wagon though. Best of luck to ya!

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  2. My crack is the shortbread cookies. WHOA. I could eat a whole box of those suckers without batting an eyelash.

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  3. No wonder the thin mints sell out first!

    ANd by the way. Crack Ice-Cream? Orgasmic...

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  4. holy fuck no wonder i havent been able to think about anything else, its like all the time every day

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  5. Thank you very much for the sharing! COOL.. Antipodes

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