Monday, January 16, 2012

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Anyone watch the Golden Globes last night? I really only tune in to see the stars walk the red carpet and talk to mighty midget Ryan Seacrest. I mean seriously, it's really just a fashion show anyway. So, as I sat in my designer velour leisure suit from Sam's Club, I took notes for y'all. You can then compare my redneck opinions to E's best and worst dressed list tonight and see how I stack up.

Tilda Swinton, pictured above, wins for the best impersonation of a member of the Flock of Seagulls. She's either that, or David Bowie in drag, I'm not sure which. Zooey Deschanel wins for most creative fingernails with her tuxedo painted nails. Michelle Williams takes the prize for the dress most resembling my grandmother's curtains, and Emma Stone with her low voice and masculine aura, wins for just being a dude in a fugly dress.

Seriously now, the best dressed award has to go to Charlize Theron, despite the big ass bow on her waist that looked like an extra appendage. There really should be a law for anyone to be that stunningly gorgeous. A close second was Kate Beckinsale. Everyone made such a big deal when Brad and Angelina arrived that you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ. Angelina's dress was so tight she could barely move, and she walked like she had a stick up her ass. It had a bright red envelope looking thing on the top of it where I think the Foreign Press Association kept all of the winners hidden until show time.

OH MY GAWD, then came Lea Michele, the actress from Glee. She was lovin' her some Lea Michele and the dress she chose for the big event SO much that she was striking some Marilyn Monroe poses on the red carpet like nobody's business. There was so much self lovin' goin' on there that I'm quite certain she had to excuse herself to go climax all by her lonesome.

One thing I do know for sure, 2012 was definitely the year of skin tight mermaid dresses with feathers on the bottom. And I can tell ya folks, there ain't a pair of Spanx to be found within a 200 mile radius of Hollywood right now.

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  1. I didn't watch them but I did see a post somewhere of those fingernails. How awesome were those!!! :)Charlize Theron is effn hawt isn't she... GAWD!!