WARNING: THIS POST WILL BE OFFENSIVE TO RODENT RIGHTS ACTIVISTS!!!!! IF YOU HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR SQUIRRELS, YOU WILL BE OFFENDED BY MY TWISTED, WARPED AND OUTRAGEOUS SENSE OF HUMOR. IN THAT CASE, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO CLICK OFF THIS SITE NOW!!!!!
Yeppers, that's the look I was sportin' when Jeff got home from work yesterday. He thought he was a dead man. Lucky for him, he was not the source of my anger. For the past several mornings at about 5 am, I would hear critters jumping on our roof and then scampering around above my bed. This was all too familiar to me, 'cause there have been many a squirrel in our attic before. I know the makins' of a squirrel comin' in for the winter and the bastards ain't makin' no nest inside my house.
There is a dude in town who bills himself out as a "wildlife control specialist". He's been to my house many times to get these furry rodents out of my attic. He sets his traps, he comes the next day and takes the LIVE squirrel away, I pay him 50 bucks, and he goes on his merry way. The last time he was here I asked him what he was going to do with that little bastard that caused me so much aggravation. He looked at me like I was absolutely insane and replied, "I'm going to take it down the street and let it go of course". What a fucking waste of 50 bucks!!!!!! No wonder the guy stays in business. The damn rodents are going to keep coming back if you don't teach those suckers a lesson. Haven't they ever heard of capital punishment????? If the entire rodent family learns that one of their own ain't comin' back to gather nuts for dinner after rummaging through someone's attic, they are less likely to do the crime.
Now a girl can only take so much, especially when she's PMS'ing. So, after hearing that varmint having a virtual PAR-TAY in my attic for several days, I decided to take the law into my own hands. One of the advantages to being married to a West Virginia redneck is we got us some guns, plenty of 'em. I put on one of the hubby's camo shirts and hats to get myself in the mood, pulled out a 22, loaded that mother, and went huntin' in the attic for my dinner.
You may think I'm kidding about the dinner part, but I'm dead serious. Back in the old days when Jeff and I were dirt poor living in a trailer in West Virginia, he would go out and hunt squirrels quite frequently. I became the Julia Child of squirrel pot pie. And yes folks, it tastes just like chicken!!!! Unfortunately, I came up empty handed yesterday in my hunt. That damn squirrel scampered out the way he came in as soon as I opened the attic door. But I'm undeterred. I'm packin' some heat and not afraid to use it. And I'm here to tell ya I still got that same ol' pressure cooker from the trailer days waitin' on stand by.
Plus as my friend Thom pointed out, the antenna on my redneck mustang is just beggin' for a bushy tail!!!!!!!